Page 39 of Lust & Lies

NOELLE

I TOOK A DEEP brEATH and tried to calm my nerves, unable to believe I was getting all worked up over nothing. I blinked back the tears and swallowed the lump in my throat when I heard Aiden’s approaching footsteps.

“That was about work,” he told me, returning to his seat.

I kept my eyes on my plate, quietly pulling myself together. Had I always been this emotional? In the past, did every little thing get me worked up?

“After we eat, I need to step into my office to do a video call with a client,” Aiden told me.

“Hmm,” I hummed, then caught myself.

Stop being petty and clingy, Noelle. This didn’t even feel right. This couldn’t be me. It was the situation. It was the memory loss. It was the not knowing that had my emotions all over the place.

Clearing my throat, I said, “While you do that, I’ll find a movie to watch.”

“Okay. I may be a while. But once I’m done, I’ll join you,” he told me.

Feeling more composed now, I faced him and nodded, forcing a smile. He leaned in close and kissed my forehead. It was something he’d done over a dozen times now. Yet, this time, it didn’t make my heart melt. I hated this feeling. I hated this doubt. I hated myself right now.

“Let’s finish eating, love,” he told me.

“Okay.” Whatever you say.

It was always whatever he said, and I was growing tired of that. Facing forward, I resumed eating, but I no longer tasted the food. I chewed and swallowed... chewed and swallowed... body moving like a robot with a task to complete. I finished eating before Aiden.

“I’ll be in the garden room while you’re working,” I told him, rising from my seat to empty my plate and wash it.

“Just put your plate in the sink. I’ll wash the dishes later after my call,” he offered.

I was tempted to say I could wash my own damn plate. But even the petty side of me knew that was too much.

“Okay,” I replied.

With my back to him, I placed my dishes in the sink, hating this dark feeling that had settled over me.

Aiden hadn’t done anything wrong. I was the one being overly emotional.

Maybe some time alone was what I needed.

After washing and drying my hands, I headed for the exit.

I was startled when Aiden grabbed my arm.

“You okay, baby?” he asked.

I hadn’t even heard him rise from his seat. Forcing another smile, I looked up at him.

“I’m fine, love. Go work. I’ll find a horror movie to watch. When you’re done, come join me.”

He stood there, staring down at me, trying to read me.

I forced a smile, hoping it reached my eyes, hoping I didn’t burst out crying and reveal just how much I was falling apart.

I wasn’t too strong or prideful to admit that it may be time for me to start seeing that therapist Dr. Mercer recommended.

I now understood why he’d wanted me to talk to someone. I’d thought I could handle this on my own. But I couldn’t. And this wasn’t something Aiden could help me with. I needed to talk to a professional.

I needed to know how long this stage, or whatever it was, would last. I needed help processing my ever-changing feelings. I wanted to understand why my emotions were all over the place.

I wanted to know if there was a way to control these feelings because I couldn’t keep going through this, especially if this memory loss ended up being permanent. That would be pure torture. And none of this was fair to Aiden.

He didn’t deserve to have to keep talking me down from the ledge. Damn it, how long was he going to stand there staring at me? Couldn’t he see I was on the verge of a mini meltdown?

“Are you really okay?” he asked.

“I’m fine, Aiden.”

He placed his hand against my cheek. “I’ll be as quick as possible.”

I nodded but said nothing, hoping he’d hurry up and go, while at the same time wanting him to stay and tell me everything about our past.

Please tell me whether what we have is real or not because I’m losing my damn mind over here, and I don’t trust my judgment.

“What’s wrong, baby?” Aiden asked again, eyes pleading with me to tell him.

The desperate look in his eyes only made me feel worse. He wasn’t the problem. I was. And I refused to unload on him again.

“Nothing’s wrong,” I insisted. “How could there be? I’ve gotten some sun. Had some good food. Now I’m going to relax with a horror movie. How could anything be wrong?”

My acting must not have been up to par because he continued staring at me, not speaking.

“If you want, I’ll cancel the call.”

“Why would you do that?”

“Because you come first and there’s clearly something wrong.”

I stood there, staring up at him. He was willing to cancel his work call for me. I really needed to get a grip. I couldn’t be this clingy. I couldn’t be this kind of wife. I’d gotten used to us being out here by ourselves, used to having Aiden all to myself.

We wouldn’t be able to live like this forever. I had to get used to sharing my husband with the world. Resting my face against his palm, I let his touch soothe me and focused on the look in his eyes, not the turmoil in my heart, in my spirit.

“Aiden, I know I come first. But work is also important. So, go work, hubby. And take your time. I’ll be alright. I’m serious,” I told him, guilt creeping over me the longer he stood there, staring at me. “I’ll be okay. For real. It’s not like I can hog all your time.”

“Yes, you can,” he insisted, expression and tone serious as hell. “Hog it. Hog all of it. It’s yours. I’ll cancel...”

I leaned forward and kissed him, silencing him.

Once I had him quiet, I murmured against his lips, “Go work. I’ll be okay.”

When I leaned back, he whispered, “I love you.”

“I know. I see it in your eyes. I feel it in your touch. I know you love me. And I love you too.”

I really did. And I was supposed to be holding on to that love, to this feeling whenever I felt myself spiraling.

I was supposed to hold on to the look Aiden had in his eyes right now whenever I felt like I was losing myself to my thoughts, my doubts, my fears.

I was falling short of the promises I’d made him and myself.

“If there was something wrong, you’d tell me, right?” he asked.

“Right,” I lied like the horrible wife I was being.

“Okay, baby. Go relax. I’ll bring you a snack when I join you.”

“Thanks, husband.”

“Anything for you, wife,” he told me, some of the worry leaving his expression.

Perhaps my acting was getting better. He pressed a kiss to my forehead before we parted ways. I watched him walk away, staring at his back, a sinking feeling coming over me. Was it an emotional memory?

Had he walked away from me before, away from our relationship? Damn it, Noelle, what are you thinking? Movie! I needed to watch a movie to clear my head. I headed to the garden room to find something to distract me.

Grabbing the remote from the center table, I curled up on the couch. Flicking through the movies, I scrolled past romances, thrillers, and even comedies before finally landing on a zombie movie.

Something bloody and violent felt safer than letting my mind wander. I hit play. It wasn’t long before screams and gunfire filled the room. Chaotic comfort. This was exactly what I needed. At least on screen, the monsters were easy to spot.

Ugh! I couldn’t believe I’d just thought that. Leaning back, I pulled a throw pillow against my chest. My eyes remained on the television, but my thoughts weren’t on the flesh-eating zombies.

The shed flashed in my mind. It was part of my property yet somehow off-limits. I thought about Aiden’s hesitation when I’d asked about it. Then came the phone call that I couldn’t listen in on. I knew I was being ridiculous.

There were no monsters hiding in the shadows here. Aiden had done nothing but love me, care for me, and protect me. I knew that to be true. I also knew that he was keeping things from me. I also knew there was a whole life I didn’t remember.

So yeah, I had a right to feel a little lost, a little upset, a little whatever the fuck I wanted to feel. Shit! Heart racing, I closed my eyes, feeling a headache coming on. Suppressing my feelings couldn’t be okay for my health.

Neither was complaining about every damn thing. I was stuck in this weird position where I didn’t want to complain, but I was also having a hard time holding it in. I felt like I was going to explode at any minute.

I took a few deep breaths, holding back my feelings. It seemed all I did was hold back my feelings. This wasn’t healthy or helpful. Even knowing that, I pushed them down anyway. The question was, was I doing this for me or for Aiden?

I kept worrying about what was fair to Aiden, what would make him upset, what would make him stressed. But what about what was fair to me? My feelings were valid, even if they were irrational.

Those tears I was trying to keep from falling slowly crept down my cheek. I squeezed my eyes shut tighter, but there was no stopping them. I turned onto my side, facing the cushion. Aiden wasn’t even here for me to hide my tears from, yet I was still hiding.

I was becoming good at hiding how I felt, and I hated that. I was the patient here. I shouldn’t have to hide how I felt. And Aiden hadn’t asked that of me. He’d just asked me what was wrong, and I’d pretended everything was okay.

All I had to do was open my mouth. It wasn’t like I didn’t know how. I just didn’t want to keep overreacting. That would get old fast. So, I was doing this to myself, once again proving that I was the problem.

Fuck! I lay there, face pressed against the couch, bawling my eyes out and hating myself for it. And hating myself for hating myself. And to make matters worse, a sense of Deja vu washed over me at that moment.

I felt like I’d done this exact thing before, lie on this exact couch and bawl my eyes out because of Aiden. But I didn’t know if that was just my mind playing tricks on me or my mind filling me with an emotional memory.

Not knowing caused more tears to fall, and I felt even more helpless than I’d felt the day I woke up not knowing who I was. I cried until my head started to ache. And still I lay there, too drained to move.

The movie droned on behind me, sound fading as exhaustion pulled me under. I drifted off to sleep. And like my previous dreams, this one felt more like a memory than a dream. But this dream was nothing like the others I’d had.

In this dream, I wasn’t laughing and smiling. I wasn’t planning my life with Aiden or talking about how much we loved each other. There was no garden, no joy, no happiness. This dream, this memory, was a nightmare.

In other dreams, it always felt like I was living in the moment, seeing things through my eyes. This time, it was more like I was watching it happen. Like my spirit was present, watching the past unfold. And what I saw and heard left me shocked and disturbed.

“He’s not the man I thought he was,” Dream-Me stated, speaking to someone I couldn’t see.

I was standing in a bedroom I didn’t recognize, arms crossed, pacing in front of a bed covered in a green comforter with pink flowers on it. My voice was strained, and I could tell I’d been crying.

My hair was pulled back in a ponytail, yet stray hairs were loose in certain places. This woman in disarray looked like me. Sounded like me. But she wasn’t me. Not the me I knew. Then again, I didn’t really know who the real me was.

This version of me was currently falling apart. Her eyes were red and swollen. Voice shaky, and she looked like she was barely holding on by a thread.

“Everyone thinks he’s so perfect. I used to think so too,” I mumbled in my dream.

“But he’s worse than they know, than you know.

Way worse. I’ve never seen him like this before.

He’s harsh. And mean. So mean. It’s disrespectful how mean he is,” I said.

“He’s ashamed to be seen with me now. He doesn’t let me talk about us.

I know he regrets being with me, and he’s trying to keep our relationship a secret.

Whenever I call him hubby or husband, he loses his mind. ”

Dream-Me stared up at the person she was talking to. Though I couldn’t see who that person was, Dream-Me was staring at them with pleading eyes, eyes that were begging for help. But help didn’t come. The person remained silent. Dream-Me wiped her eyes, but more tears fell.

“He doesn’t even like for me to call him Aiden now. He wants me to call him Mr. Park. What kind of sense does that make? Oh, and he didn’t come home last night. Again,” I screeched.

I stopped pacing, chest heaving like I was having a panic attack. My hands twitched at my sides as I stared at the other person in the room. I won’t lie, I looked crazy. I looked on the verge of losing my mind.

And it was all because of a man. This didn’t feel right. It didn’t feel possible. But I couldn’t keep denying what I was feeling and now what I was actually seeing.

“He won’t answer his phone when I call. But if I get Tristan to call for me, he answers, or at least sends a text. And when he finally does pick up for me, it’s always with a cold tone like I’m just someone he tolerates.”

I wiped my eyes before continuing.

“He doesn’t want me around his friends. Doesn’t even take me out. I asked him to go to dinner last week and he said he was too busy. Then I found out he went to some cigar lounge with that fake-ass Julian Cattaneo and stayed out till 3 a.m.”

A laugh slipped out of Dream-Me, a bitter shrill that filled the silence around me. This woman was me, but I didn’t recognize her or her life. I didn’t recognize the Aiden she was describing.

He was nothing like the man who kissed me, who cuddled me. Nothing like the man who hugged me and told me he loved me at least a dozen times a day. Nothing like the man whose stare could make me melt.

This Aiden sounded cruel. Cold. It sounded like his love had turned to loathing and left me grasping at the ghost of something that used to be beautiful. It seemed like we’d entered a rough patch, and I was the only one fighting for us.

Yet, I was losing myself to that fight while he was moving on from what we used to have. But this felt so damn wrong. I mean... this dream felt real, it felt like a memory. And I couldn’t deny that Dream-Me was hurting because of Aiden Park. Her pain was real.

However, if that was true, that meant everything he was currently showing me was a lie. Was there any truth to what he’d been telling me? Were we as happy and as in love as he claimed, or had that faded a long time ago?

Dream-Me wrapped her arms around herself and said, “You already knew that he was cheating on me, didn’t you? You should’ve told me. I know you hate me. But you still should’ve told me. I don’t deserve this. No one deserves this.”

That statement was like a dagger through my heart. And though I was asleep and lucid dreaming, I was pretty sure tears were streaming from the corners of my eyes.