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Tenzin

“ A re you coming to Carlos’ mom’s for dinner?” Gwen asked me, as we worked out in the weight room in the training center.

I shook my head as I lifted free weights. “I have to meet with a potential new sponsor tonight. They’re in town for the golf tournament tomorrow. I’ll see you there, right?”

The pre-season golf tournament was a fundraiser for the Knights’ youth programs.

Gwen’s eyebrows rose as she used one of the leg machines. “Me, at the golf tournament? I can’t play golf. Also, I have class, work, and practice.”

“Oh. I was hoping you’d be able to drive around in the golf cart with me. Clark, you’ll be there, right?” I looked at him.

Clark shook his head from his spot on the bike. “I don’t know how to golf.”

My heart sank. “Oh. I signed up for it because I thought you two would be there. Well, that and the team wants to finally formally announce they signed me. Will you go to the party after at least?”

“I have practice.” Gwen sighed. “You can come over after?”

“Training camp starts the next day. I need to finish getting ready.” I was so behind, too. Being unprepared wasn’t a good look when starting a new team.

“Oh. Well, routines are important.” She nodded as she finished her set.

The defeat on her face broke my heart. I hated missing yoga and a visit to Marty yesterday, but it was when my lawyer could meet–and it was only the first of many meetings.

I was redoing my will, and starting a trust and education fund for Squiggles, which was what Morgan was calling our son. Bean was her and Jacen’s daughter, and Pickles was Imogen and Ilya’s baby. We were also working out some preliminary parenting agreements.

All that was just the work I had to do on the legal end. The work I needed to do on myself before I became a parent was much more painful.

It was still difficult to wrap my head around the fact that I had a son on the way.

How did I even balance having the life I wanted with making sure my son got what he needed? I wasn’t sure where I fit. Where I wanted to fit. There was so much, and I was terrified of messing it up.

Instead of taking the fishing trip to get my shit together, the news I'd be a dad sent me into a tailspin. I’d spent most of the trip drunk and depressed. So much that I had to tell Cooter what was going on.

Though there had been some excellent fishing, and we’d had a good time despite everything.

Right now, Cooter was the only person who knew, well, besides my lawyer and therapist. I wasn’t ready to tell anyone else. Telling people made it real. I hadn’t even told Zaya. When I did tell people, Gwen and Clark should be among the first.

I looked over at Gwen as she dabbed her forehead with a towel. A forehead that still had a scar.

What would those two think of me being a dad? It changed things. I wasn’t getting back with Morgan, but I had other responsibilities now, including wanting to spend time with my son during the off-season.

So much about all this confused and overwhelmed me. Why? Why did it have to be me when something good was starting to happen with them?

“Everything okay, Tens?” Gwen’s scent turned concerned as she went over to another machine.

“I have a lot going on, Firecracker.” I finished my set, not ready to burden them.

“Okay. We’re here if you need us.” She started on the leg press.

“I know. I’m so very grateful,” I assured her.

“Yeah, I've got to get myself sorted for training camp, too. Have to show Coach I’m not just a wonder rookie, that I can be an asset,” Clark added.

I hated telling them that I needed more time. Really, I’d much rather be with them, than meeting with a lawyer and therapist. But I had to figure out my feelings before he was born. I didn’t want him to suffer because I had a complicated relationship with his mother.

Which meant this had to be my focus right now, even if I didn’t want to. Not that I was completely neglecting them. I’d been researching how to best take care of Gwen. There wasn’t much information on dead-matches. Hopefully, someone would get back to me.

My timer went off. “I have to get ready for my meeting. I’ll see you later? Oh, I found little lunchbox-sized packets of the cookies you like when I was at the market, Gwen. You might want them for your backpack.”

Gwen’s face brightened. “Thanks, Tens. I hope you get this new sponsor.”

“Me, too.” I grabbed my stuff and headed down to the parking garage.

These sponsors would want me, right? It felt weird to be negotiating things like this, without much help from my agent–she was still on maternity leave. They were a big athletic shoe company. It could be a great thing. Making sure I was financially stable, that I had money for the future, was more important than ever.

Not only for my son. But the life I’d build with them.

As soon as I got my shit together.