Page 48

Gwen

“ G ood job, Ladybug.” JP gave me a fist bump after dance practice. “See you tonight.”

“Are you sure you’re okay? Tenny’s my friend, but I’m not afraid to kick his ass,” Cooter asked me for the hundredth time this morning.

“I’m fine, Cooter. It’s nothing that breakfast and a trip to the spa won’t cure. Thanks for bringing clothes for him.” I threw the bag over my shoulder.

Okay, I wasn’t all right.

“Clothes? Like you’re keeping a naked Bucket hostage in your room?” Dean laughed.

“Until I get my breakfast, yes.” I shrugged. Clark and Tenzin were waiting for me with breakfast and snuggles, and I desperately needed both. I’d been tempted to miss practice, but I knew someone would drag my ass there, so I came willingly.

“Are you giving me a ride back, Dean?” I’d driven over with him in a golf cart, as their villa was next to ours.

Dean checked his phone. “Yes.”

We got in the cart and I texted them.

Me

On the way back. Tens, if you want your clothes, my breakfast better be there.

Tens

Breakfast is waiting, M’lady.

Me

That’s what I like to hear.

Clark

Your snuggles are waiting, too.

Me

Perfect

“Are you feeling better?” Dean asked as we drove across the grass, the early morning air pleasant.

“I told you, I’m fine.” I’d woken up upset and clumsy. It happened sometimes.

“Okay. You know you can trust me, right?” He frowned a little. “Did they say or do something that set you off? Also, I hate to say this, but your eating habits suck and good nutrition will make you feel so much better. Fuck. Are you on legal shit? Illegal shit can fuck with you. Grif used to see a doctor that helps hidden omegas. I can give you her info.”

“I’m not an omega. Will everyone stop?” I snapped. Last night had been amazing and I didn’t like how I now felt shitty. I should still feel amazing… It wasn’t guilt, either.

Dean flinched like I’d slapped him and regret filled me.

“I… I’m sorry. My dads wanted me to be an omega like my sisters. When Austin and I broke up, he’d said he always thought I’d be one.” And him. Fucking Lucius. Tears streamed down my face.

The golf cart stopped and Dean pulled me to him. Omegas were usually pretty huggy people. He smelled like a cozy sweater, along with wisps of his mates’ scent.

“It’s okay, Ladybug. It’s just that right now you seem to be stuck halfway between an omega drop and a spiral.” He looked worried. “I don’t know if bringing you back to your naked boys will make it better or hurt you more. I don’t know how to fix this.”

Ugh, I really was broken, wasn’t I? Given I was with Austin when everything happened, I didn’t notice much difference. But now…

The tears kept coming.

“If you’re not an omega, maybe you should take a gamma test,” he said softly. “And I mean this out of love. Something’s wrong.”

Gammas were essentially failed omegas. Something in their environment was dangerous enough that their body stopped a biological process, because it felt dangerous. It used to be things like war and famine. Now it was mostly asshole parents.

My dads were assholes. But not like that.

It didn’t show up on the basic test, you had to do a special one.

“I had one a couple of years ago. Omega test, too. I come up as a beta on everything. I just need food and snuggles,” I admitted. As much as I didn’t want to have this conversation with Tenzin and Clark, they should know how damaged I was before we got deep.

“Okay.” Dean drove me back to the cabin, worry resided in his scent.

Before I’d even gotten out of the golf cart, Tenzin stood there, in nothing but a pair of too-short drawstring shorts, that were Clark’s.

“Precious.” Tenzin scooped me up. He kissed my forehead. “I have breakfast–and Clark.” He turned to Dean. “Thank you.”

“If you need me, please call me.” Worry gleamed in Dean’s eyes.

Tenzin carried me into the villa. Valya was sitting at the table on her phone. She snickered a little as we walked by.

“Have fun,” she called, as Tenzin and I went into the room and shut the door.

The overwhelming aroma of food and coffee made my stomach growl. A delicious spread sat on the low table by the couch, which had been moved, so we could look out the window at the wolves. The fire flickered in the background and the room smelled nice, like lavender.

Clark was there on the couch in boxers and a shirt, drinking a cup of coffee. “Ladybug, what’s wrong?”

“I’m broken.” I sobbed as Tenzin gently placed me on the couch.

“You’re not broken, Precious. It’s normal. I didn’t take good enough care of you last night. That’s all.” Tenzin sat down next to me and wrapped a blanket around me.

I shook my head, hating that he thought any of this was on him. “It’s not you. It’s me. I didn’t think it would be a problem, but it is. You should know. Um, I have to start at the beginning. Do we have anything stronger than coffee?”

Clark stood and came back with a bottle of champagne. “It came with breakfast. Who drinks champagne with breakfast?”

“You mix it with juice.” I took the cup of coffee Tenzin poured for me and leaned into him.

“Okay. Do you want it with juice?” Clark picked up a glass.

“Sure.” I didn’t want to be hungover for the wedding later.

Clark brought me a mimosa that looked like it was mostly champagne and sat down next to me.

He opened one of the covered dishes. “We got this one for you. I got myself waffles. You can have them instead if you want.”

They’d gotten me a meat with vegetables omelet and crispy potatoes. His was whipped cream with some waffle. Maybe. And a strawberry rose with a mint leaf for posterity, along with a side of fried ham and loaded hash browns. While I did like strawberry waffles I was feeling eggy.

“Thanks.” I devoured my eggs. I should start talking, but I was hungry.

They let me, keeping my coffee full and feeding me bites of their meals. Tenzin had steak and eggs, along with potatoes and toast. The food was delicious and beautiful.

Finally, I downed the mimosa, then made myself another.

“You don’t owe us anything,” Tenzin stated, rubbing the back of my neck as I returned to the couch.

“I have to, if I want this to work. And after last night… I… I want this,” I pleaded. Tears pricked my eyes. “But…” My head bowed. “I don’t even know where to start. I broke my hip while playing hockey when I was fifteen. At the time, I was living with my grandparents in New York, so I could train with a specific figure skating coach, though it was a ruse to play hockey. The dads brought me home to Vancouver to recuperate, since my mom was dying of OOC and she wanted me there. My mom and I were close, even when I was living with my nonna.”

I sniffed. Other than my nonna, she’d been my biggest advocate and supporter. OOC was a type of cancer that only affected Omegas.

“Her death devastated the dads, after all, she was their bonded omega. It was rough. My uncle, one of Dad’s brothers, was trusted with helping them run their shipping company, so that they could spend time with Mom while she was dying–and later grieve for her. He staged a takeover of the company. I don’t know much about it, other than he conspired with some powerful people and offered them things to help. It failed. Badly. Uncle was ousted.”

I took a sip of champagne. I was one of those things.

“After my mom died, I wanted to go back to my nonna’s. I was making a very good recovery, and I liked my life in New York. The dads wanted me to stop playing hockey, so I wouldn’t get injured again, and to stay with them in Vancouver. It was a huge fight. Nonna offered to fight for legal custody–and had a case given I’d spent years living with her already.”

That had caused a rift with my siblings. Some agreed that I should be allowed to return to New York and live my life. The others told me that I was being mean to the dads and should suck it up and stay.

“There was this guy that I’d known for some time casually, mostly from social stuff my parents made me attend. While my mom was dying and I was recovering, we started messaging a lot. His situation had changed, and he’d been feeling lonely. We were just friends–if that.” Thoughts of Lucius made me want to retch.

He went too far. Got away with too much. Some people blamed me. Apparently betas were only kind to alphas because they were flirting.

“Oh.” Clark’s voice was soft.

“His parents were some of the people helping my uncle with the failed takeover. I still don’t know all the details, but my uncle had promised me for Lucius, as part of their payment for helping. The idea of me leaving Canada made Lucius angry. He wanted me even without the deal. His family’s rich and powerful and it became easier to let Nonna and her pack get legal custody and have me leave Canada, than for the dads to put a stop to his nonsense.” In some ways, Matty was right. One misstep and the dads could go to jail.

I still felt betrayed.

“They didn’t get the police involved? They simply sent you away?” Clark made a face.

“His family is powerful. For a time, I was so happy with my grandparents, playing hockey and going to high school. But Lucius was a spoiled, wealthy, young alpha used to getting his way. Things got scary. Nonna and her pack got the local police involved, even though the dads said not to, and…” I winced. “And that led to my name being changed, and me being sent to Rockland alone at sixteen, emancipated, and hidden in junior hockey.”

Which had taken some work. One simply didn’t just get on a team like that, and I couldn’t exactly bring my old name’s records with me. But I wouldn’t go anywhere if I had to give up playing hockey.

Still, starting over had cost me a lot. Not to mention the work I had to do to separate myself from her. That life.

The fear I’d lived with. The loneliness I’d felt at having to leave everyone and everything behind.

“I’m so sorry that happened to you,” Tenzin added, rubbing my neck again.

“Shortly thereafter, my grandparents were in a car accident. I wasn’t allowed to go to the funeral–which hurt, since they raised me more than my dads. The police could never prove Lucius caused Nonna’s pack’s death, but later Lucius told me he did it, to punish them for taking me away from him, because I belonged with him.” I made a face. “Which would never happen. I wasn’t some trophy. While sure he said he’d support my dreams, I had zero interest in him romantically.”

His entitlement still rankled.

“Why was he after you? For the conquest?” Clark frowned, squeezing my hand.

I sat up and poured more champagne, not adding juice this time. “He was convinced we were scent matches and that my omega would wake up and we’d bond and be soulmates.” I shuddered. “Yeah, no. Not going to happen. I didn’t like his scent that way. But he was insistent.”

“Fuck.” Clark put an arm around me. “Your family should have done more to protect you. You were a kid.”

“They should have,” I agreed. “I was scared. Sure, the police changed my name, and hid me. Helped me the best they could. Still, I was terrified. So I did other things, like I intentionally took pucks to the face, dyed my hair, changed my mannerisms and speech, tried to alter the way I played, stuff like that.” Took illegal growth serum, so I wouldn’t be so petite. Anything to make me different from her, so he wouldn’t find me.

He’d found me anyway.

“Gwen.” Pain coated Tenzin’s voice as he cupped my face with his hand.

“Fast forward to my second year in New York. I’m living with Austin, playing hockey, working, and studying accounting at the community college. I hadn’t talked to my family in years and I felt pretty abandoned by them. One night after hockey practice, someone attacked me and I woke up tied to a bed in my uncle’s lake house.” I shuddered at the memories.

My uncle had helped him, but he hadn’t been the one to tell him where I was.

“He kidnapped you. After all those years?” Tenzin pulled both of us to him and I snuggled into the comfort of his body.

“Apparently, even with Lucius’ family’s political power, they were afraid his actions would reflect badly on them. So he wasn’t allowed to do anything as long as they were in office. He was using this time to wait for me to grow up a little, and awaken as an omega. After all, I was only nineteen. Then someone told him where I was–and that I had a boyfriend. Which angered him so much he kidnapped me, so we could be together like we belong. ” The words tasted bitter in my mouth.

“Shit.” Clark stroked my hair.

“He was frustrated I still wasn’t an omega, so he…” I buried my face in Tenzin’s chest. I didn’t like this part, because he’d literally tried to strip me of my autonomy, of myself.

At least he hadn’t succeeded.

Tenzin rubbed my back. “Did he hurt you?”

“Worse. He injected me with that street drug the traffickers use, mega-push, the one that can turn betas into omegas. He wanted to prove we were scent matches and was tired of waiting.” I sobbed into his chest.

Not that I’d ever want to bond with an alpha like him. I was so glad he hadn’t simply bonded my beta self and hoped it did the trick, since alphas could bond betas.

“Sweetness.” Clark buried his face in my neck.

“It didn’t make me omega. It made me sick. Probably a bad batch, given I have the genetic marker. That means I have the potential to push over to omega,” I explained. Some betas had the potential to be other designations, and it never woke up.

“Oh, Precious. So you think you’re broken, since the drug didn’t work?” Tenzin’s hands ran up and down my body.

My body shook. “Oh, no. The story gets so much worse–though he never bonded me, thank fuck. Given I went missing, Austin got the police involved, and they eventually tracked me to Canada. There, the local police wouldn’t do anything about it, because of payoffs and other bullshit.”

“What about your family?” Clark asked.

“Lenny discovered I was missing and told Matty. My family looked for me, trying not to involve the police or anger the other family, since Lucius’ parents are the fucking prime ministers. Corrupt prime ministers, because they, you know, tried to help my uncle overthrow my dads while they were grieving their omega and owned a bunch of police.” Okay, I could see why they needed to tread carefully, but still…

They took too long.

“Your family found you?” Tenzin snuggled me tighter between the two of them.

My heart hurt with the memory. “Enter the intrepid Officer Jones. He’d only been an officer for a year or two and felt like he had to find me, even though his superiors warned him away. They tried to dismiss it like I ditched my boyfriend in New York and ran off to Canada with another alpha. Officer Jones didn’t believe it. He mostly worked off the clock, pulling in favors, trying to solve the case and find me.”

Idealistic and sweet Officer Jones just wanted to make the world better. If he’d listened to his boss, he might not be dead.

But I might not have been found in time.

“The New York police had given the Vancouver police my picture and some of my clothes.” I bit my lower lip. “Officer Jones apparently said it was my picture and scent that drove him to look for me in the first place.”

Tenzin frowned. “He’s an alpha?”

“Beta.” I shook my head. “When he found me, his boss wouldn’t give him officers to raid the lake house. He tried to rescue me himself with the help of his off-duty roommate, an ex-military friend, and his friend’s retired scent dog. When Officer Jones found me tied up, I thought I was free and…”

My eyes squeezed shut as the memories bombarded me. “I was sick and weak. My leg was broken, because I kept trying to escape. I was terrified. Being made an omega against my will then force bonded to a delusional alpha was the thing my nightmares were made of.

Then Officer Jones came and…”

“You don’t have to go on,” Tenzin whispered, tenderly stroking my hair, trying to reassure me.

“Lucius came back before he could get me out.” I looked away as the memories continued to assault me.

Clark squeezed my hand. I squeezed it back.

“There was a gun-fight. I got shot in the crossfire, but not badly. Lucius also gave me a bloody face for trying to run. Officer Jones shot the guard, but Lucius shot Officer Jones. Not wanting to be a captive any longer, I got Officer Jones’ gun and shot Lucius,” I sobbed.

“I murdered Lucius. The prime ministers’ son. The man who’d been obsessed with me for years. I… I killed him.”

In that moment, it seemed like the right thing to do. He could have shot me next or taken me somewhere else. There, he would have injected me with the new drugs and bit and bonded me before anyone even knew we’d moved. I’d have been his permanently. Sure, bonds could be reversed with drugs, but it was a difficult legal process.

While I hadn’t expected shooting him to be cathartic, I hadn’t anticipated feeling so guilty about it. Or to be made to feel bad about it.

Or have people think that I was a murderer.

“It’s self-defense, not murder. He kidnapped you,” Tenzin soothed.

“Only because I refused him and he felt he had no other choice. Officer Jones was still alive, though barely. I used his phone to call emergency and held him in my arms. While I did what I could, it wasn’t enough and I watched the life drain out of his eyes, his face. It was awful. He died trying to save me,” I cried. “He died because he considered me worth saving. My own family took their time, but a stranger literally defied orders for me.”

For several moments I cried, hard, into Tenzin’s bare chest as he and Clark murmured sweet things to me. That kind stranger who gave his life for me.

“You’re worth saving,” Clark whispered. A low rumble filled the room, making me vibrate, and filling me with comfort.

I nuzzled Clark, taking the reassurance his purr offered me, until I’d calmed down enough to finish the story.

Sometimes I wondered if I had any worth at all.

“The dog found me first. He and his owner had been taking care of the other guards. They’d also run into a group of people Lenny and Matty gathered to find me.” The words barely came out through the tears. I rarely talked about Officer Jones. It hurt to do so. He’d had this wonderful life–and helping me took it away from him.

“He was gone.” Clark’s eyes filled with compassion.

“And with him, some of me,” I admitted. This was the hardest part to talk about, especially since not everyone believed me.

Because I was a beta.

“When he touched me, I felt something. When his eyes met mine and he said, I knew I’d find you. You’re safe now, there was a connection. When he died, it ripped something away. Broke me.” It was hard to say, but true.

The wolf knew. In many ways, I was a widow.

“What happened to you is traumatic and awful, but you’re not broken.” Clark frowned as he snuggled me. “You need to stop saying that.”

“It’s called a dead-match. One of the many theories why scent matches are so rare is that not everyone’s match manifests. There are plenty of betas with the potential to be alphas and omegas that stay betas. Like me. Basically, if I’d been an omega, and he’d been an alpha, we would have been soulmates. Him appearing there in the lake house took my breath away and not only because I thought I was free.” The sobs came harder. “It was that latent connection that drove him to find me.”

That hurt me so much more than killing Lucius.

“Dead-match. I… I’ve never heard of it,” Clark replied, still holding me tight. “Makes sense. I’m so sorry you went through that.”

Tenzin put my face in his hands. “Gwen, Precious. You’re not the reason he died. It was Lucius. A good officer died in the line of duty, and that’s devastating. It’s not your fault. None of this is your fault.”

My chest shook a little. “Sometimes it feels like it was. If I’d relented to Lucius when I was younger, none of this would have happened.”

Some of my siblings told me that I should be flattered that he liked me and to accept him, since a beta like me would never find anyone better–and he was too good for me as it was.

“And be tied to an alpha you didn’t love.” Clark shook his head. “You deserve love, Gwen.”

Did I?

“Dead-matches rarely bond, because we’re betas. Marry, but not bond. There’s also not a ton of research on it. But we did. They think it had to do with both of us bleeding and all the adrenaline.” I turned away. No, I didn’t deserve them. “We bonded, then he died.”

Clark sucked in a breath. “The wolf who lost his mate who likes widows. He knew.”

I nodded. “Animals often do.”

Tenzin’s hand went to his heart, anguish in his scent. “That must have been so traumatic, Precious. I’ve heard it’s quite painful when your soulmate dies.”

“It hurt. Physically. It felt like my heart was going to stop. They said I wouldn’t let go of his body and I didn’t talk much for quite some time. It took everyone a while to figure it out, since I had no way to describe all this. No one, not even me and Officer Jones, knew we were dead-matches. I had no idea what had happened to me, just that it felt like my soul had been ripped from my body.”

I looked at them through tear-filled eyes. There had been so much pain and anguish. So many emotions.

Some I still didn’t fully understand.

I was lucky I even knew this much. So much of this was considered stories, not actual knowledge. One of the nurses noticed the way my scent changed and knew what it meant. She’d taken it upon herself to figure everything out.

“Now you know. The broken bond didn’t really affect my relationship with my ex, so I didn’t think it would affect my relationship with you. As you can see, it did. Also, how can you be sure I want to be with you because of you and not only because I’m trying to fill the cracks in my soul and you’re there?” I got up from the couch, then threw myself on the bed and sobbed harder.

There, I’d said it.

“Um, I know you like me, Gweny.” Clark crawled on the bed with me, straddled my back and started rubbing it. “This constellation, hope ,” he traced my spine tattoo, “is because you have hope. Hope for love, hope for peace, hope for healing. It’s okay to grieve what you lost. It’s also okay to let go and move on.”

It was a fictional constellation from my favorite space books. But he was right.

“I try to have hope. But it’s hard.” It had been easy to go back to Austin, given he was familiar. He’d held on to me fast, helping me reenter the world.

“It can be.” Clark sighed. “Gweny, you’re not broken. Wounded, but not broken. People who lose their mates do love again, sometimes even mate again. I want to fill all those cracks up with cuddles and kisses until you feel whole.”

“I accept.” It hurt when your soulmate died. Sometimes you died, too.

There were times in those first weeks where I wished I had. Especially given no one understood. Originally, they’d thought maybe Lucius had managed to bond me. A posthumous bond test on him had been negative.

It wasn’t negative for me. Or for Officer Jones.

None of this was in my medical record, because even though it was a government test, it didn’t count, since we were both betas.

“Thank you for sharing such a painful story.” Tenzin came onto the bed with us. He peppered my face with tiny kisses as Clark continued to knead my shoulders.

“Are you seeing someone for all this?” Clark asked.

“I was. It’s hard. So I stopped, and told myself lies, so I didn’t have to think too hard about it. But…” I sighed. “Matty wants me to go back to a specialist. He’s right. My alternate narrative could cause harm. Like I’ve missed a lot of everyone’s lives. Though my dads are assholes and I want nothing from them. They abandoned me, didn’t find me fast enough, then after everything I’d been through, had the audacity to tell me that I should come back to Vancouver and leave behind the life I’d made for myself.”

That was the rub. I’d fought tooth and nail to make my own life. I’d been so young, and I’d still needed my family, my parents, and they all abandoned me for ‘my’ safety when it felt like it was more to protect them, their life, and their business.

Then they told me I belonged with them and should move back like nothing happened.

Like fuck I would.

They also didn’t like to be told no, which was why I feared that one day they’d just take me.

Like Lucius had.

Because those with the money made the rules.

“I’ll support you,” Clark asked. “Um, so how does your ex fit in with all this? He reported you missing?”

“Austin never knew much other than an obsessed alpha from my childhood kidnapped me and I was forced to kill him in order to escape. He didn’t make me talk about it, though he knew there was more to it. I was kidnapped in November, so I did most of my recuperating at my dads’ over break. When I had the fight with my dads and I crawled out the window in Vancouver, it was time for the new semester to start and they didn’t want me to go back to New York. I missed my life–and Austin. While he’d offered to come out, he still had work and hockey and everything.”

I also didn’t want him to see that part of my life. It wasn’t me.

“Not to mention Lucius didn’t do this alone. He’d promised to help my uncle get back what he lost during his failed takeover. Uncle is now in jail, as are some others who helped. I had zero interest in staying in Vancouver.” I sighed again. “I told my dads that if they had any money for me, to give it to Officer Jones’ family. He was a good guy. I attended his memorial, met his family and dog, and talked to his friends and co-workers.”

If I’d ever met him under other circumstances, we would have been friends.

Maybe even more.

“I hope they did that,” Clark told me. “Um, what’s the name you were born with? Will you tell me? Curious.”

“Gabriella. It was great for ice skating, but I never truly felt like a Gabriella. I also detested being called Gabby, which Maricella, of course, only calls me. Some people called me Gabs. Mostly my family calls me Buttons.”

“Because you’re cute as a button?” Clark booped my nose, which made me giggle.

“Because my sister, Isa, decided to potty train me after watching a video online and used chocolate button candies as a reward and I became obsessed with them.” I still loved them and would bribe people to bring them to me from Canada. They were pricey here in the gift shop, but maybe we could stop at a grocery store on our way to the train station.

“What do you need, Precious?” Tenzin asked.

“I still want to snuggle in a big pile like you promised.” I needed it before my paid-for spa afternoon.

“In bed or on the couch?” he added.

I eyed the couch. It wasn’t big and cozy like Clark’s. “In bed.”

Clark rolled me under the covers and the two of them fluffed pillows, got more blankets, and made everything nice and cozy before squashing me so tight between them they might just manage to squish my broken soul back together.

“Better?” Tenzin kissed my forehead.

“Much.” For a moment I luxuriated in warmth and cuddles. “You two are actually okay with the fact that I grew up with another name, that I essentially lost a mate, and I killed someone?” It seemed too good to be true.

“We all have things in our past, and I’m sorry for everything that you have gone through. I'm here for you. You're a lovely person and I enjoy spending time with you. I look forward to where you lead us next,” Tenzin told me.

Awww.

“The terrible things that have happened to us don’t define us,” Clark told me. “It’s what we do following it that counts. After all, I killed someone once, too.”