Page 5

Gwen

I sat on the subway, drowning in hopelessness. On Friday, Clark, Carlos, and Dimitri had spent the day feeding me, watching movies, and letting me cry. I’d spent most of Dimitri’s party playing video games, getting too drunk, and had woken up on Clark’s couch.

Yesterday, we’d cleaned my apartment, sorting through everything to see what was salvageable. They’d also bought me some basics, which had been sweet. Today, Clark had flown home, Dimitri was getting ready to leave on vacation, and Carlos had family things.

Leaving me on my own.

While I still had so much to do–like figuring out my life–I needed to get out of the apartment.

Austin’s social media accounts had disappeared and his phone was disconnected. Did I even try to find him? At least to get the money he owed me? I’d spotted him quite a bit the past few months, as hockey finals, university finals, graduation, and everything else impacted his work schedule.

I’d been working overtime to make ends meet.

At least most of my tuition was paid for. Figuring out how to pay the rest of it would be enough.

Maybe? I didn’t want to deal with him alone. If I was staying in the apartment for long, I’d change the locks.

Getting off the subway, I walked to the zoo. I hadn’t been in a few days.

“Hey, Gwen, going to visit Marty?” the gate-guy asked as he scanned my pass on my phone.

“Yep,” I nodded. Marty was a good listener.

Wishing I could justify buying a coffee from the cart, I walked around the zoo. The summer weekend made it crowded. Usually I came at odd times, bright and early after yoga in the park, between classes, right before closing. It was still nice–and calming–to visit all my animal friends.

I wandered my usual route, including the aviary and the reptile house. Finally, I ended up at the tiger enclosure. I’d always loved animals. My nonna had been a veterinarian. One of my cousins had taken over her practice. An aunt ran an animal sanctuary that Nonna and I would volunteer at. Also, I’d brought so many animals to the rink that the coaches made a rule about it.

Several people had gotten pets out of it. Marty was supposed to be mine . There’d been a big snowstorm in January. It had gotten bad quickly, and I’d been walking across campus to get to the subway before I got stuck there. Marty had been in a tree and I’d climbed up to get him, tucked him into my hoodie, and brought him home.

The little gold and white striped cat was so small and cute–and cold. Marty kept me company through the storm. Austin had been away with his team and had gotten stuck there when the airports closed. After we’d lost power, we used the gas oven for heat and stayed in the living room. I fed him kitten formula that Mrs. Jenkins had left over from fostering, and tiny little scraps of meat.

When Austin came back, he’d fallen in love with Marty, too. We’d decided to keep him, since pet rent was minimal.

Then I had to find out my kitten was a mini golden tiger cub that somehow escaped from the zoo when he’d been brought in from a raid. Ugh, not fair. Fail, kitten distribution system, utter and total fail. No, do not recommend.

Clark and Dimitri had gone with me to the zoo to give him back. The zoo had been excited and gave me the pass as a reward. It was sweet, but not the same.

I walked around to the viewing area on the side where the little tigers played. The keepers successfully integrated him with some cubs, and he was thriving.

Whistling, I called Marty, and he came bounding over to me and I played with him through the glass. I put up my hand, and he put his paw there.

Sometimes I wish I would have kept him. I mean, he was a mini tiger. Sure, he’d be a big cat, but tiny for a tiger. Who’d know?

No, it was the right thing to do. Animals were expensive to care for.

Still, I wish I had some Marty cuddles.

Trixie, one of the zookeepers, saw me and waved from the tiger side of the glass as she brought out some enrichment items. I stayed in the little nook against the glass and watched, the little tigers making me giggle.

Eventually, she finished and disappeared. A bit later, she came out to the viewing area. Trixie was a blond omega and worked with the mini tigers and tiger cubs. Omegas were great with predators, because they usually weren’t seen as a threat–and many times got ‘adopted’ by alpha animals. She’d been kind about letting me have time with Marty and had even gotten me trained to play with the mini tigers in the playroom. Sometimes we took Marty for walks.

“Hi Gwen.” She grinned. “Do you want some playtime?”

“Please?” My chest shuddered. I needed to tell him all my woes. He was a good listener, as were flowers and stray animals.

“Are you okay?” She eyed my forehead and bruises, then gave me a big hug, smelling of bubble gum and tiger.

“I broke up with Austin.” It came out like a wail.

Her arms tightened. “It’ll be okay. Tiger playtime will make it all better.”

“I hope so.” My heart ached. I still couldn’t believe that he discarded me so easily for some deal he never mentioned, with people he hated.

That he’d hurt me.

We went into the playroom, which looked a bit like a kid's soft-play area, and had all sorts of toys and obstacles for the mini tigers. One wall was glass, so that people could watch the tigers play.

Trixie used her badge to get me in through the employee door, then used another door marked employee that opened into the tiger area, so she could get Marty.

“Marty,” I squealed when he came out and ran toward me, straining against the leash.

Trixie unclipped the leash, and he leapt in happiness.

“I missed you so much. You won’t believe what happened.” I sniffed, picking him up and snuggling him. He was a golden tiger, so he didn’t have any black stripes. Baby mini tigers also looked a little more like house cats than their bigger brethren.

Marty was so much bigger than when I’d found him. Not that he was nearly as large as he’d be if he were a regular tiger. Mini tigers were one of several wild animals genetically engineered to be house pets. While mini giraffes were a hit, mini tigers weren’t what people expected and were ending up in zoos and rescues.

Obviously, people didn’t do their research. I could take care of a mini tiger just fine. They didn’t even get as big as malamutes.

As I played with Marty, I told him everything in Italian. It felt good to get it all out, and I knew he wouldn’t judge me.

“What do I even do?” I told him, sniffing. “Do I drop out with two semesters left? If I had an agent, I’d call them up and see about going free agent now, but I don’t even have that. I have nothing. Sure, I’ll talk to Coach and financial aid tomorrow, and there might be a place for me at the townhouse my friend rents at. Still, how do I make it on my own here?” I felt so hopeless.

Marty gave me more snuggles as if to say if you give up, he wins.

“You’re right; we don’t let the assholes win. I’ll crunch the numbers and make a plan,” I agreed as we played with his favorite rope toy, Trixie watching us from the corner.

It’s not like I had anyplace else to go. I sure wasn’t going back to my dads. I liked New York. And my life. Yep. I’d rather starve than do that.

“Still, where did I go wrong, Marty? How could the person I’d loved for five years end up being like that?” Another sob wracked me.

Marty licked the tears off my face.

“Whatever happened, I’m pretty sure it wasn’t your fault,” Trixie said softly. “I get off at four. Do you need me to go with you to the police?”

I gave her a look, my heart skipping a beat, because I’d gotten very personal with Marty. “You speak Italian?”

“No. But I know what being hurt looks like. There’s help if you need it.” Her expression was kind.

“Thank you. Some people already talked to the police with me.” Nothing was going to happen, considering Austin was an upstanding young alpha athlete with no record. Not that I wanted to blow up his life. But answers would be nice.

She gave me a look. “Are you sure?”

“I… I’ll be okay. I just needed to talk through what to do next. It’s a little scary.” I nodded.

“It is,” she agreed. “Especially when you’re with someone for a long time and you suddenly realize that maybe you didn’t know them at all.”

I gulped. That’s exactly what happened. “It’s a lot to process.”

“It is. Fortunately,” she joined us and pet Marty, “this boy here is a good listener.”

“That he is.” I gave him extra pets.

“You can do this, Gwen. One step at a time.” She squeezed my hand.

“Thanks.” At least I had Marty.

She let me play with Marty for a long time. Finally, he had to go back. I gave her a hug.

My belly rumbled in hunger.

Austin also destroyed or had taken every bit of food in the house. While Dimitri had brought over some things, I’d need more than that. I’d eaten a lot of my meals at Tito’s–where I no longer had a job.

One step at a time.

Leaving the zoo, I made my way to a little hole-in-the-wall Italian deli. It had red-checked tablecloths, pictures on the wall of famous people who’d eaten there, and the best pastrami sandwiches I’d ever had.

The deli always gave me free food. Probably because they knew I was friends with Lenny-the-Fence. Too bad I had nothing to sell him, I could use the money.

Even though it was a Saturday, guys in suits talked business and ate sandwiches.

“Who hurt you?” the older Italian woman I only knew as Zia, aunty, demanded from behind the counter.

“My ex,” I sighed.

She leaned in. “Do you need my sons to take care of it?”

“It’s fine. But thanks,” I told her as I ordered my usual–a pastrami sandwich with extra pickles, fries, and a black and white cookie.

Her look grew skeptical as she got my cookie from the case of baked goods. “You let Zia know if you change your mind. You’re not going back to him, right?”

“Never.” I shook my head.

“Good. Sit.” She handed me my cookie, and a bottled lemon soda I hadn’t ordered.

I took a seat at my favorite corner spot that gave me a view of the bustling street. This area reminded me too much of home–and Nonna–so I didn’t come here much. One of the good food banks was down the street.

Hmm. I checked my phone as I gobbled my cookie. The food bank was open today. Nice. The campus food pantry was closed on weekends during the summer, and I didn’t have summer meal privileges in the dining hall. But I did have Knights’ dining room privileges at the rink–and I got fed on shift, though it was more snacks than food. Okay, I’d use the meal boards more and go back to a regular food bank rotation. Yeah, I could make this work.

She brought me my sandwich and fries. “This is going to be your year. I can feel it.”

“Thank you, I hope so,” I told her. Zia knew all about my dreams of playing pro hockey. I dug into my sandwich, which always had the perfect ratio of meat to mustard.

After this, I’d visit the food bank. Then, I’d curl up on the couch with the laptop Clark lent me and figure things out.

Tony was right. I needed to focus on classes, hockey, and myself. If I was going to do that, I needed to see how much that would cost.

A good soothing spreadsheet would do the trick. I may have supported Austin’s big dumb ass for all these years. He may have broken my heart. But I wouldn’t let that stop me from reaching my dreams.

You’re a fucking nothing who will never fucking make it.

I took a bite of pickle.

Yeah, we’d see about that.