Page 1 of Loving an Earl (Widows of Mayfair #1)

Langford Manor

Kent 1814

L illy St. Claire’s body had trembled as she’d released heart-wrenching sobs from deep inside her soul as she’d stood over her papa’s grave so soon after she’d wed the Earl of Langford—mere hours, really. As she sat in Langford’s carriage now, tears ran unabashedly down her cheeks, and she was surprised she had any left to shed after her episode earlier in the day. Her new husband sat opposite her, looking almost as heartbroken as she. This was unsurprising since her papa and Langford had known each other for nearly thirty years. And that friendship had led to her marrying the earl this day.

The earl was something of a recluse and rarely traveled to London except when Parliament was in session. The crowds, noises, and smells of London made him nervous, he said, and he preferred the peace and quiet of his country estate in Kent. Lilly was very grateful Langford preferred the country. Not that she knew much about London, as she’d never been, though she’d always dreamed of visiting. Nevertheless, now that she was married to Langford, she could only imagine the scandal when London Society learned the earl had married a vicar’s daughter who was only seventeen. Her fear of becoming the talk of London had her trembling again.

“Are you cold, my child?” Langford possessed a gentle, soft-spoken voice. He always referred to her as a child, which had never bothered her before, but it sounded inappropriate now that they were married.

“Just a little. Please call me Lilly.” She had lied about being cold, and her fingers gripped her cloak, pulling it tighter around her body. But there was no sense in admitting her panic about her new life and what it would entail.

“We are almost to the estate. And you must call me Henry.”

With half-lidded eyes, she studied her husband. At his advanced age, he still clung to the handsome younger self she’d seen in a portrait hanging in the gallery at Langford Manor. Although his hair was white and his frame lean, he still appeared strong, and his mind was sharp. Suddenly, her insides churned. Would he try to get an heir with her? Would that not be the reason he had accepted her father’s request? She’d not been instructed in the goings on of the marriage bed, since her mama died many years ago, and she’d been too young then. What would Henry expect of her? Would he want to consummate the marriage tonight even though they both mourned her papa?

“You may relax, my child,” Henry said in his soothing voice. “When we arrive at Langford Manor, I have instructed my housekeeper to whisk you away to your chambers and prepare a bath and light repast for you before bed.” He paused, leaned forward, and gently covered her hands with his thin, slightly bent ones. “There’s no need to fret about tonight. The loss of your dear papa saddens us both, and I imagine you would prefer to mourn in private, as would I.”

Before she could ask what he meant by fret, the carriage stopped before the large stone manor. The household were lined up outside, ready to welcome her even though she’d been here many times. This time, however, she was introduced as their new countess. Her insides quivered at the look of pity she witnessed in many of their eyes, making her wonder if the pity was for her papa’s death, or for marrying the old earl, or both.

She paid the closest attention to Mrs. Pemberton, the housekeeper, and Miss Daisy Campbell, who’d been introduced as her maid, as they would work closely with her.

When formal introductions were complete, Mrs. Pemberton led her up a grand marble staircase. The beautiful staircase gently curved and split off to the right and left. They stayed to the right, going up another flight to the private family rooms.

“Please accept my condolences on losing your father, your ladyship. There will never be another vicar with a heart as kind and gentle as his.” Mrs. Pemberton cleared her throat and smiled sadly. “Campbell and I unpacked your belongings.” She opened the door, and Lilly gasped at the beauty surrounding her. The room was decorated in soft shades of cream and mauve with little touches of light blue. The furniture consisted of a large sleigh bed with matching nightstands, and a lovely ornate carved secretary, which doubled as a dressing table. Opposite the bed was an impressive fireplace and a beautiful mauve chaise longue. She could imagine spending afternoons reading on it with the flames from the hearth warming her. A more welcoming and soothing bedchamber she’d never seen. Not that she’d seen many.

“The dressing room is just over there.” Mrs. Pemberton pointed to a door next to the secretary. “And this way.” She led Lilly to another doorway to the left of the fireplace which opened to a modest sitting area. “This is your shared sitting room, and his lordship’s chamber is right through that door.”

Lily didn’t know how she felt about being in such close proximity to the earl, even though they were wed. By law, since speaking their marriage vows, he could do with her as he wished. She was essentially his property. Though the thought of that didn’t unnerve her as she initially believed it would. He was kind and gentle on the surface, and she believed his heart was as well. She would not panic now and believe he hid any odd tendencies, though the thought did bring her mind back to consummating the marriage. Lily clasped her hands together to hide the trembling as the housekeeper led her back through her room and into the dressing room, where a tub filled with steaming water awaited her. The scent of roses filled the air and tickled her senses.

“I will leave you in Campbell’s capable hands.” Mrs. Pemberton bobbed. “Good evening, my lady, and welcome to your new home.”

Lilly found herself being undressed and helped into the soothing bathwater. “I will see to the rest myself, Miss Campbell.”

She dipped. “Yes, my lady.”

How odd to have a maid of her own. Perhaps Miss Campbell would allow Lilly to call her Daisy. Perhaps that would make this all feel a bit less strange and formal. She’d have to ask her tomorrow, Lilly thought, as the young maid left.

Alone at last, Lilly sank into the tub up to her shoulders and relished the scented and soothing water. Her hand touched the small emerald pendant that had belonged to her mother. It was a necklace she rarely took off. Even though her memories of her mother had faded, she felt close to her when she wore her necklace.

Lilly closed her eyes and concentrated on the warm water cradling her body, hoping it would help to tame her runaway mind and heart about how unprepared she was for her new role as a married woman. Managing a household, even as large as the earl’s, did not frighten her. She had managed her papa’s affairs, which had included the whole village, for many years. Surely, along with the housekeeper and the butler, she could manage Langford Manor. What she didn’t know was how to be a wife. Everything she’d learned about married couples had been observed in public places. She hadn’t a clue about the intimate details of a marriage.

She didn’t bother with washing her hair, as she’d done so that morning. After scrubbing her skin and realizing she couldn’t hide in the cooling water forever, she exited the tub, dried off, and donned the night rail and matching robe laid out by her new maid. When she entered her bedchamber, she froze when she came face to face with Henry dressed in a thick blue banyan and looking flushed.

“I hope your accommodations are to your liking, my chi... Lilly.”

Swallowing the lump in her throat, she replied, “Yes. Very much so.”

“The cook prepared a delicious feast for us. Come into the adjoining room so we may partake.” As soon as he finished speaking, he turned and walked through the doorway into the sitting room. He stood by a chair at a table filled with covered dishes and a platter full of cheese, fruits, and slices of bread, waiting to seat her.

As she sat and murmured, “Thank you,” she hoped she’d managed to hide her nervousness from her new husband.

“My pleasure,” he said as he sat and placed a napkin on his lap. “This looks wonderful.”

Draping her napkin across her lap, Lilly removed the cover from her plate and found roasted pheasant, crispy small potatoes, and candied carrots. “It all smells divine.” She hadn’t realized until this moment that she was hungry. With all that had happened today, she’d not eaten since breakfast. Her heart pained, and tears stung her eyes as reality set in.

Her papa was gone. Forever.

Her life as she knew it was gone. Forever.

How had she gotten here? To this pivotal point in her life?

She wiped her tears from her face. “I’m sorry to cry. Please forgive me.”

Henry reached across the small table and wiped more of her tears with his bare hand. “There is nothing to forgive. You have lost your papa, and I have lost my dear friend. We both are entitled to mourn for as long as we need.”

How had she been so fortunate as to marry such a kind man? “It hurts.”

“It does. From my experience, the pain will lessen as time goes on, but you will never forget. He will always be with you.”

Henry ate nearly his entire plate while Lilly only nibbled. Yes, she was hungry, but nothing seemed to settle well. She thought it best to eat light.

When they were both finished, Henry helped her up and escorted her to her chamber. All the while, Lilly’s insides vibrated, her mind raced with unseen scenarios, and she thought she might cast up her accounts.

They stopped near her bed.

“You have had a heartbreaking day, so I will bid you goodnight.” He bent and lightly brushed his lips on her cheek. “We will talk tomorrow about what our marriage will entail.”

Lilly’s feet refused to move as she watched her new husband exit her room and close the adjoining sitting room door. Her feet remained stuck to the floor, and her eyes never wavered from the closed door Henry had gone through, leaving her both relieved and anxious. She was relieved that her wedding night was postponed, but she was anxious because surely it was better to get it over with and not have it looming over her, wasn’t it? How could she relax and sleep when worry swirled around inside her mind and body?

*

When his closest friend and local vicar, George St. Claire, asked Henry to marry his daughter, Lilly, the answer came quickly and easily. It was the least he could do to repay his friend for all but saving his soul many years ago during a dark and tragic time.

Henry had never married by choice, although he had come close once. He never worried about an heir because he had a nephew, Edmund, who knew from an early age that he would inherit the earldom since his father, Henry’s younger brother, had died when Edmund was young. It was public knowledge that Henry never planned on marrying and producing an heir.

Never say never.

He had finally married, after all.

Could produce an heir if he wanted to.

Which made him think about the lovely young woman close by. His wife. She was like a daughter to him—he’d known her since her birth. Could he bed her and consummate the marriage?

Even though Henry had people reporting to him on his nephew’s actions and whereabouts over the years, deep down, he didn’t know what sort of man he was. Edmund hadn’t visited since leaving university, which bothered Henry. He appeared well-liked in social circles, an affable fellow if somewhat of a rakehell. He owned a shipping import and export company with two other gentlemen, and by all accounts, it had become very prosperous. The business took him out of England for many months, if not years at a time.

However, what if the marriage wasn’t consummated and Edmund found out? Henry never wanted Lilly’s status as his countess to come into question once he passed on. Would Edmund cast Lilly out, penniless with nowhere to go? Was Henry willing to risk her future? No, he wasn’t. It was the whole purpose of George asking him to marry her and keep her safe. A meeting with his solicitor was needed to set up a trust in Lilly’s name. He would not leave her future to the whim of his nephew.

His thoughts returned to consummating his marriage. He would have to impress upon Lilly to keep this knowledge to herself after he was gone. That way no one could ever question the legality of their marriage.

Lately, he’d had trouble sleeping, so he spent most nights in the library. A warm blaze glowing in the hearth as he sat in a comfortable chair, his feet on an ottoman, reading from any book on the shelf, it didn’t matter which, and a nice glass of brandy in hand. This night was no different, although he’d never had a wife waiting upstairs for him before. He snorted. Waiting might be a stretch. The poor child was probably frightened to death that he would visit her bed and demand his husbandly rights.

What had George been thinking? Marrying his daughter to an old man? Of course, Henry knew why. If the roles had been reversed, Henry would have done the same. He may never have had a child, but he understood parents, especially fathers with their daughters. They would do anything for them, anything to keep them safe and to secure their future.

A cold chill crept up his spine at the thought of what would have happened to Lilly if George had died suddenly and not been able to secure her future. If she had been fortunate, she would have procured a position in a household as a governess or a maid or married a member of the local gentry. But none of those guaranteed her safety. Henry refused to think what may have happened to the innocent, sweet girl who’d become his countess if they had not wed. And would he have had the whither all to intercede on her behalf?

Swirling the amber liquid in his glass, he shrugged his shoulders. It was a good thing he’d married her. George could join his beloved wife in heaven and rest easy knowing their daughter was safe and cared for.

*

The creaking of the door woke Lilly up as her maid came in. “I’m sorry about the squeak. I’ll have someone oil the hinges today,” Campbell said as she opened the curtains, letting in the cloudy daylight. She went back out into the hallway and returned with a breakfast tray, settling it on the bed next to her.

“His lordship thought you may want your breakfast brought to you. I’ll return soon to help you dress.”

Alone again, Lilly’s reality of her new life weighed heavily on her heart and mind. It was difficult enough dealing with her papa’s death, which made breathing difficult this morning, but finding herself suddenly married to the earl baffled her brain. Two shocks she needed to deal with. If she could only bury herself beneath her covers and never leave these beautiful rooms to face her future life. She’d only recently turned seventeen and wasn’t prepared for what lay ahead. She hoped Henry was a patient man.

Sighing heavily, Lilly fluffed her pillows against the headboard and sat up, realizing she was famished. After she’d finished her tea, toast, and eggs, Campbell returned and helped her prepare for her day. And what, pray tell, would her day hold?

“His lordship wishes to see you in his study right away. I’ll show you the way,” Campbell said as she put the last few pins in her hair. “Also, Mrs. Pemberton wanted me to say that a seamstress will be coming to fit you with a new wardrobe this afternoon.”

Lilly wasn’t surprised about the new wardrobe. She hardly had clothing fit for a countess. When they traveled to London, she certainly didn’t want to embarrass Henry with her country attire. Thinking of London had her chest constricting again. The earl could dress her to look like a countess, but underneath, she’d still be the vicar’s daughter. Oh dear, would she ever be ready for a foray into London Society? She wondered how long she had before Parliament was in session.

Once Lilly stood outside Henry’s open study door, she smoothed down her plain blue skirt. It was more to settle her nerves than because it was wrinkled. It also gave her trembling hands something to do.

“Enter, my dear.”

Lilly’s nerves eased somewhat when she heard Henry’s soothing voice and also because he hadn’t referred to her as a child. She needed to be treated as an adult now, whether she wanted to or not. Since finding out her papa was dying, she felt she had aged ten years anyway. Gone was her idealistic younger self.

“Good morning, Henry,” she said, trying to make her voice sound, if not happy, at least not sad.

“Good morning to you, Lilly.” He stood and came around his desk, gesturing to one of the two chairs opposite his large mahogany desk. “Please sit.”

She sat down, arranged her skirts, and then entwined her hands on her lap. Henry sat in the chair next to hers.

“I hope you slept well and found your room comfortable.”

Was that nerves she heard in his voice? Could he be as uncomfortable with their sudden circumstances as she? After all, he was elderly and had never been married before. “Yes. I slept quite well, all things considered.” He looked at her, raised his brows, his soft brown eyes questioning. Her stomach sank to her toes. Oh dear, she hoped she hadn’t insulted him. “I didn’t mean...”

“I know what you meant. Yesterday was a shock to both of us. No need to explain.” Once again, he proved how kind and understanding a man he was. “I requested your presence so we may discuss what is expected of you within our marriage.”

Her body tensed against her will, and she fervently hoped he didn’t notice.

Gently, he placed one of his warm hands on top of hers briefly. “If I say anything you object to, please interrupt me as I tend to prattle on at my age. I want to tell you a story about myself in the hope that you will understand me better. And then perhaps you will share some things about yourself, your hopes and dreams.”

“I will.” She held her breath, waiting and anxious to hear what he had to say.

“Many years ago, when I first inherited the earldom, I spent much of my time in London enjoying myself. I was young and rich, relishing my time as a new earl. I had a small group of friends I’d known since Eton, and we belonged to all the same clubs.” He paused, took a deep breath. “Some things I say may shock you, so I will apologize now. But know that everything I say relates to my life and the decisions I’ve made and will continue to make. So where was I? Oh yes, my friends and I were known as rakes. We drank, gambled, and socialized to excess. We spent many hours in brothels and snubbed our noses at our Parliament obligations. This went on for several years, I’m afraid.”

Rising, he went to the sideboard, poured amber liquid into a tumbler, and sat back down. “During this time, I met a duke’s daughter during her first season. She was beautiful and shy and had sapphire eyes that I drowned in. I was smitten immediately. I sent flowers, called upon her, and tried my hardest to prove to her father that I wasn’t a wastrel. For weeks I called upon her during the proper visiting hours, but her father refused to allow me to court her. Evelyn was as devastated by her father’s refusal as I was. I will never really know why she fell in love with me, but by the grace of God, she did. I even stayed away from my friends and my clubs. All to prove to the duke I was worthy of his only daughter.”

Lilly sat motionless, hanging onto his every word. She couldn’t take her eyes off his face. A face that, even now, all these years later, was saddened by the retelling of his story. And if she weren’t mistaken, tears glistened in his eyes.

“After being relentless for many weeks, I was finally allowed by the duke to court his daughter, which led to my marriage proposal. But Evelyn fell ill as we waited for the banns to be posted and the wedding to be planned.” Henry cleared his throat, removed his handkerchief from his coat pocket, and dried his eyes. “Forgive me. I still get emotional even though it’s been forty years.”

“I’m so sorry.”

“We decided to have a private ceremony, but she passed the night before it took place. Their family physician could never tell us why she had taken ill. All I know is that over the course of a month, I sat at her bedside and watched as the lovely young lady I’d fallen in love with wasted away to nothing.”

This time, Lilly placed her hand on his and squeezed, hoping to give him what little comfort she could. “How terribly sad for both of you.”

“Within another month, I’d moved here. I hated London after that because I saw her beautiful face everywhere I went, which drove me to the brink of madness. Or perhaps not true madness, but I was mad for a time. The country air soothed me, as did busying myself with the estate. Eventually, my heart healed, but not enough to give it away to anyone else. Even though Evelyn and I never married, she was the wife of my heart.”

Lilly touched his hand again. “I don’t know what to say. Except thank you for marrying me. I know it couldn’t have been an easy decision to make. I nearly died of embarrassment when Papa told me he’d asked you.”

He turned his hand over and squeezed hers. “It was easy. Your father asked—the man who saved me from myself all those years ago. You see, I skipped an important part. The part where I met your father.”

Tears welled in her eyes, and her lungs constricted, making it hard to speak. “Will you tell me?” she whispered.

“For almost a year after Evelyn’s death, I buried myself in drink. I was careless with myself. I went riding across the countryside at breakneck speeds, inebriated and not caring if I lived or died. One afternoon as I led my horse by the reins, too drunk to ride, even by my standard, I came across your father and he kindly invited me into his home. He introduced me to his young bride, your mother, and served me soup and bread. Both of them treated me with such kindness, never judging me for my drunken behavior in the middle of the day. That was the first day of a long friendship with both your parents. But an even longer one with your father. Months later, after your father had helped me truly begin to deal with my grief and anger, I thanked my horse, my household, and your father for keeping me alive.”

Lilly sniffled most unladylike. “Thank you for telling me.”

“Thank you for listening to an old man babble about his lost love. Which brings me to our marriage.”

Tension coiled inside her body, causing her stomach to ache.

“Ours will be a marriage in name alone. I’m an old man and do not wish to produce heirs or take a child bride to my bed. If this is shocking to you or you object, please say so now.”

What did she think? Truly think? The tension drained from her body, and she inhaled and exhaled in relief. If Henry had said he wanted heirs, she would have performed her wifely duty in the marriage bed, even if she didn’t know exactly what that entailed. But she could only think about how relieved she was because he didn’t. And sad for Henry. About how lonely a life he’d led never having loved again.

“If that is what you want, I will agree. But if you change your...”

“I won’t. Someday, when I’m gone, you will find a good gentleman to love and one who will love you in return, give you babies, and you will thank me. Do not waste your innocence and love on me.”

Her mouth opened to speak, but words escaped her. There were so many things to thank Henry for, but she didn’t know where to begin. For however long he had left, she would take over her papa’s role in the earl’s life and be his closest friend and confidant.