Page 71 of Love or Your Money Back

CHAPTER

Freddy knows he’s depressed because he just ordered two slices of apple pie at Winkel’s bakery. And one slice is enough to give most healthy people indigestion. Also, he didn’t take the phone number of the blonde waitress who just did the splits in front of him.

When the two portions of apple pie arrive, Freddy eats one giant slice within a matter of minutes, then moves the second plate towards himself.

‘Hello, Freddy.’

Freddy looks up.

Kat’s two Aunties stand over the table. Sylvia wears a bright-pink puffa jacket with the worst spray tan he’s ever seen and makeup that would make a drag artist think twice. Caro looks like a female Godfather in a baggy, black suit and felt fedora.

‘Sylvia. Caro. How are you?’ Freddy launches out of his seat and gives vigorous handshakes.

‘We’re worried about our niece.’ Sylvia sits at Freddy’s table and waves a waiter over. ‘ Very

worried.’

Caro takes a seat too – a quiet presence that Freddy feels could turn menacing.

‘Is Kat okay?’ Freddy sits down, heart racing. ‘She’s not in hospital or anything like that?’

‘No, worse than that,’ says Sylvia. ‘She’s marrying Chris.’

Suddenly, the apple pie on Freddy’s plate looks like set cement. ‘You’re kidding me.’

‘Sadly not,’ says Caro.

‘Oh for fuck’s sake.’ Freddy pushes his slice of apple pie across the table. ‘Do either of you want this? I feel sick.’

Caro reaches for it, but Sylvia smacks her hand away. ‘NO Caro.’

‘We were hoping you might jump in and sweep our girl off her feet,’ says Sylvia. ‘We’ve been watching the two of you for months now, delicately stepping around the obvious affection between the two of you.’

‘It’s not affection.’ Freddy slumps in his chair. ‘It’s love. True love. But I messed it up.’

‘How did you mess it up?’ Sylvia asks.

Freddy swallows. ‘We got close, but I couldn’t handle it. I ran away. That’s why I called the two of you out to Frankfurt. I abandoned Kat in the dead of night.’

‘You left

our girl?’ Sylvia throws pink fingernails to her mouth. ‘But she was having a relapse!’

‘A pseudo relapse.’ Freddy’s eyes turn better. ‘She was feeling better. And I made sure the two of you were there …’ His words trail away as Caro crosses her arms, a furious look settling on her broad face.

‘Look, I’m not proud of it,’ says Freddy. ‘I’ve been trying to make amends. Calling and sending messages. But she won’t speak to me. Do either of you want a cup of coffee?’

‘Cappuccino,’ says Caro. ‘Two sugars.’

‘NO Caro,’ says Sylvia. ‘We’ll have two black coffees, Frederick. No sugar. I can’t quite bring myself to say thank you.’

‘That’s okay.’ Freddy rubs his eye sockets. ‘I loathe myself right now, if that helps. The last thing I ever wanted to do was hurt your niece. I just got scared. I didn’t think I could be the man Kat deserved.’

‘Do you think Chris is the man she deserves?’ Caro rumbles, arms still crossed.

‘Absolutely not. I can look after her a hell of a lot better than he can.’ Freddy puts his head in his hands. ‘But it’s too late. She’ll never trust me again. I’ve been calling and leaving messages, but she’s totally iced me out. I wish you could buy forgiveness in a department store.’

‘There’s no time to go forgiveness shopping,’ says Sylvia. ‘Kat and Chris are getting married this Friday.’

‘You are shitting me.’ Freddy jerks his head up.

‘No.’ Sylvia accepts a black coffee from the waiter.

‘I am not shitting you. It’s Kat’s birthday on Friday.

She’s getting married as some kind of distorted birthday present.

Kat and Chris will catch the 10 o’clock train to Edinburgh in the morning.

They’ll marry at Gretna Green that afternoon, and then we’ll lose her forever. ’

‘Kat deserves so much better.’ Freddy feels like crying. But he already knows what that sounds like, and he isn’t about to go there again.

‘Yes, she deserves better,’ says Sylvia. ‘But as far as Kat is concerned, this is the best she’s going to get. Married before the age of 35. Life goal achieved. Tick, tick, tick.’

‘So what can we do about it?’ Freddy asks.

Sylvia leans forwards. ‘I hear you’re a very good salesperson. Is there any way you can change her mind?’