Page 34 of Is It Casual Now?

thirty-four

“Good morning,” Siena’s voice was far too chirpy as she slipped back into bed.

“What time is it?” Jamie groaned.

With a small chuckle, Siena brushed her lips against Jamie’s. By the time Jamie tried to react, those lips were already gone.

“Not fair,” Jamie muttered. “That was too quick.”

“I’ve made you coffee, if you can bring yourself to sit up.” Siena ignored Jamie’s accusation.

“You don’t play fair at all,” Jamie said as she moved, shuffling her body into a sitting position against the head of Siena’s bed.

“I never said I was fair.” Siena perched on the edge of the bed beside Jamie and gave her another quick kiss on the lips.

“Uh-uh,” Jamie said when Siena tried to move back. She captured the back of Siena’s head and pulled her back for a deeper kiss.

“Mmmm, you taste like coffee,” Jamie moaned when she let Siena out of the kiss .

“And you can too.” Siena grabbed a cup from the bedside table and handed it to Jamie.

Jamie took the mug and looked at her warped reflection in the surface.

“Jamie?” Siena asked, placing a gentle hand on Jamie’s arm.

“I can’t take the job, Siena.” Jamie looked up as she spoke the words. Fear and self-loathing filling her, but she had to do this. For Siena, and for herself. She had to be honest and stop hiding behind her walls.

“Oh.” Siena leaned back as though the words had physically hit her. “I thought you needed time to think about it?”

Jamie shook her head and swallowed over the lump in her throat. “No. I knew right away that I couldn’t accept it. I’m sorry, Siena. I should have told you last night.”

“Why didn’t you?”

“I wasn’t lying.” Jamie looked up and hoped Siena could see the truth radiating in her eyes. “I really want to think about decisions, about the big ones, before I simply answer. I want to be moving forward in a purposeful way, not just chasing the bouncy ball that grabs my attention.”

“But you’re definitely sure now?”

“Yes.”

“Okay.” Siena’s tone was so sad it almost made Jamie reconsider. It almost made her open her mouth and tell Siena she was wrong. Tell her she would take the job, and they could live and work together and skip off into the sunset.

But she knew that wasn’t how these things went. “I know you must be mad at me.”

“No, I’m not mad.” Siena gently lifted Jamie’s chin with her fingers. “I’m sad that I don’t get to see you walking around all sexy in some more laundry-day outfits. But whatever you choose is okay with me. I love you for you, Jamie, not for what you can offer me. ”

“For how long?”

“What?”

“How long will you love me when I can’t offer you anything? I don’t have a job. I don’t even have enough gas in the tank or money in my account to get some. And that’s not the worst part. I have so much to do to work on myself. I need a lot of time to become the person I actually want to be. And I have been told I’m not the easiest person to be around.” God, Jamie was such an idiot sometimes. She really had to stop giving out all the reasons why people shouldn’t like her if she wanted to be liked.

“And who says that?” Siena asked.

“Ummm.” Jamie let out a small huff of amusement. “Everyone who has ever been around me for any significant amount of time.”

“Jamie.” Siena stopped her before she could really get on a roll. “I love you. It’s not going to be smooth sailing, and there’s going to be the ups and downs and the shit that gets dragged in from two lives merging together to become a third entity. Let’s be honest, every relationship is a little bit ménage à trois .”

Jamie laughed, Siena’s eyes sparkling as they met.

“None of that stuff is what made me fall in love with you. Not the job you have, not the money you earn, not the things you can offer me professionally. I love you. And that’s all there is to it.”

The silence lingered and rested heavy in the air.

“Can I ask you a question?” Siena asked.

“Yeah.” Jamie took a sip of her coffee and closed her eyes. Whether it was from the blissful hit of her first taste of caffeine for the morning or to prepare herself for whatever the question might be, she didn’t know. Perhaps a little of both.

“Why are you declining the job?” Siena asked.

Jamie nodded as she tried to process how to put into words all the reasons .

“Stop overthinking it and just tell me. It’s okay, whatever the answer is.” Siena’s voice was so kind.

“You can’t know that until you know the answer,” Jamie argued.

“I can,” Siena argued right back. “Because no matter what the answer is, I’d still love you, and so that means it’s all okay.”

“You just love using that word, don’t you?” Jamie teased playfully, a smirk on her lips before she lifted the cup once more. This time it was no tentative sip. She gulped down half of what remained as though it might give her the strength to explain why she couldn’t take the job. “I love that you think I could do it. I love the offer of the job. And the perk of getting to see you every day at work really would be amazing.”

Jamie paused for another sip of the coffee. Siena waited, not butting in but letting Jamie take whatever time she needed to get where she had to go.

“But I can’t do that to us,” Jamie blurted and knew the rest wouldn’t be far behind.

“To us?” Siena asked. “Sorry, please ignore me.”

“I could never ignore you. That’s sort of how we got here.” Jamie smiled.

“True,” Siena conceded.

Jamie couldn't believe in the middle of baring her soul she could find herself feeling safer than she ever had with her walls and her distant bitchiness. Then again, she couldn’t believe she was baring her soul at all—the truth of her fears and all her faults.

“I don’t know that you haven’t offered me this job because I know how to make you scream.” Jamie held up her hand as Siena’s mouth opened. Once Siena smacked her lips back together Jamie continued. “I don’t believe that’s the reason. But others don’t know you, don’t know me, and don’t know us the way we do. And they’ll think it’s the reason. Because I won’t hide the happiest, most fulfilling adventure of my life. Because that’s exactly what you are. What we are together.”

Siena looked so confused by that, and Jamie could understand why. “Do you really care so much what people think?”

“Yes and no.” Jamie shrugged. She wasn’t entirely sure. It was so much harder being honest with herself when she had never stopped long enough to examine her actual thoughts and feelings. “But it’s the mosquito effect.”

“The mosquito effect?” Siena looked beyond confused, and Jamie never thought she had seen anything more adorable in her life.

“They are tiny, and so seemingly inconsequential, but the buzz will drive you nuts in the quiet dark of the night. And when they land and bite, you’ll slap yourself silly just to be rid of them. You’ll hurt yourself in order to make them go away.”

“Your mind is magnificent.” Siena leaned in and kissed her cheek.

“Because I love metaphors?” Jamie laughed.

“Because of how you think, how you use words, how you can relate everything to something the majority of the world would understand.” Siena kissed her lightly. “You’re fucking brilliant and I’m pretty sure that you don’t even know it half the time.”

Jamie’s cheeks burned, but a warmth settled into her chest that she was loving feeling. Is this what it was like to be loved? To have her own personal cheerleader through absolutely everything? Jamie could get on board with this, although it’d take some serious getting used to.

“So yeah. If we worked together, everyone would know we’re also together personally because I refuse to hide this.”

“Is that the only reason?”

“No.” Jamie could have said yes, and the old Jamie would have. But she was already liking the new Jamie just a little more. “I don’t want a work Siena and a home Siena. I want all of you. I want you to be able to talk to me about things and not worry that I can’t keep my mouth shut or worry that I might change how you or I do something.”

“I trust you.”

“I know. And I trust you, too. But the little things can hurt more than the bigger things. Remember the mosquitoes.” Jamie covered Siena’s hand and squeezed gently before interlacing their fingers. She wasn’t willing to give this up. Not now and maybe not ever.

Siena laughed and took Jamie’s now empty coffee mug out of her hands. When had she finished that? After placing the mug on the bedside table, Siena cupped Jamie’s face in her hands.

“I love you more than I thought it was even possible to do.”

“I love you, too,” Jamie said, peering at Siena through her eyelashes.

“I don’t think I truly realized just how much until now.”

“Because I’m turning down your offer of a job?” That was nearly unbelievable, but Siena had said it, so it must be true. Right?

“Because you’re turning down my offer and choosing me instead. No one has actually ever done that before.”

Jamie’s face burned hotter beneath Siena’s touch and then her kiss. She had to break that tension quickly because it was too much for her to handle. She needed the easiness that she’d found in their relationship, not this intensity that was so filled with emotions she wasn’t quite comfortable with.

Jamie smirked. “Well, they are really good orgasms.”

Laughing with ease, Jamie pulled Siena in until their lips gently brushed. The kisses were slow at first and then quick. Jamie hadn’t had enough, though. She tugged Siena in even closer, deepening their kisses as Siena started to crawl on top of her .

“I love you,” Jamie whispered against Siena’s mouth. “Come back to bed… I didn’t get my dessert last night.”

“Always.” Siena climbed over Jamie, curling beside her and snuggling into her side.

Jamie inhaled the relief and the comfort. She still wanted more, but she was happy with what they had for right now. She kissed the top of Siena’s head and smiled. “Thank you.”

“For what?” Siena asked.

“For believing I can be a better human, for trusting me, for loving me when you don’t have to.”

“No one has to love anyone else.”

“Family does.”

“Oh no!” Siena’s laugh was a mocking sound, and Jamie now had a hundred million questions running through her mind. And she sensed pain there, a deep pain that Siena wasn’t prepared to share. Still, she couldn’t wait to learn every moment that had formed this incredible woman she got to wake up with. “They don’t have to love you.”

“Maybe. But thank you, anyway.” Jamie shuffled, and Siena sat up.

There had never been any doubt in Jamie’s mind that the physical attraction between the two of them had always been electric. From their first touch, the physical contact had magnified that electricity a thousandfold. She had experienced more sexual confidence and exploration with Siena than she had with anyone in her past. And now, she knew this would be yet another new experience for her.

It wasn’t time for hard and dirty, or fast and furious.

It was time to use her body to enhance the emotions within her instead of as a wall against anyone getting closer. Slowly, allowing Siena all the time in the world to say no, or to stop her, Jamie shifted and straddled Siena’s legs.

“Oh, is that right?” Jamie teased and started kissing Siena’s face, over her closed eyes and her cheeks and down to her jawline. Siena tilted her head back, giving Jamie access to her neck.

“I have to make up for last night,” Jamie purred between kisses.

“No, you don’t.” Siena pulled back, gently moving Jamie so their eyes could meet. “You never owe me sex.”

“But—”

“No.” Siena’s voice was firm but not hard. “If sex was all I wanted from you, then we could just as easily still be playing that game. But as crazy as you make me, you never owe me sex.”

After a beat of silence, Jamie smiled and shook her head. “How do you do that?”

“Do what?”

“Say exactly what I need when I don’t even know what I need?”

“Because you don’t see just how amazing and beautiful you really are.”

“I’m not. But I’m trying to be.”

“Baby, you already are,” Siena said, and kissed Jamie again. “You’re wanting to show more people the true beauty inside of you, and that’s wonderful. But it’s already there. It really is.”

“Hmm,” Jamie said as she slowly moved her hips in Siena’s lap.

“Baby, we don’t have to fuck.” Siena tucked a strand of Jamie’s hair behind one ear.

“I don’t want to fuck you,” Jamie said between kisses as her hips moved slowly against Siena’s crotch.

“Are you really sure about that?” Siena asked as her chest rose and fell faster and her hands found Jamie’s hips.

“I want to make love to you.” Jamie stopped the short quick kisses she had been peppering Siena’s neck with and captured her lips instead. Siena moaned into her mouth as Jamie’s hands found Siena’s breasts under the silk camisole .

“Please,” Siena whined.

Jamie teased the nipples into erect buds.

“Please, what?” Jamie asked, moving her hips a little faster.

“Please.” Siena gasped as Jamie squeezed one erect nipple between thumb and forefinger. “Please make love to me.”

“I thought you’d never ask.” Jamie removed her dominant hand from Siena’s breast, dancing her fingers lightly down Siena’s stomach.

“Hold onto me?” Jamie asked.

“I’m never going to let you go,” Siena replied.

Jamie couldn’t wait any longer. Lifting herself just a little off of Siena’s lap, she slipped her hand between the two of them.

“Mmm,” Jamie moaned as she brushed her fingers across wet cotton.

“You make me so wet. I’ve never gone commando so many times in my life, and it’s all thanks to you.”

“Maybe you should start having a spare pair in your bag.” Jamie chuckled lightly, but satisfaction rolled through her. She’d never done that for someone else.

“Maybe,” Siena said, catching her breath as Jamie maneuvered her hand beneath the elastic waist band and found the slick folds beneath.

“Or you could just start out commando and save yourself the laundry.”

Siena might have laughed at some other time, but Jamie wasn’t offended. She was enjoying the feeling of Siena’s nails biting into the skin on her back through the fabric of her dress.

“Can I touch you?”

“Yes,” Jamie said as her fingers circled Siena’s entrance, her hips grinding harder and faster, and her breath keeping up.

Siena didn’t bother with trying to rid Jamie of any clothes, thankfully, as she found her way beneath the hem of the dress and into Jamie’s underwear faster than Jamie thought possible .

“Impressive.”

“Just wait until I fill you up.”

“Oh, you already do.”

As they worked each other up, Jamie filled with memories, and not just the good ones. Her mind drifted to those moments when her heart had hurt so much from being filled with shame and doubt. Those moments of never being enough, never being the good one. The one everyone despised.

“Hey, stay with me, baby.” Siena’s soft voice pulled Jamie from the spiraling thoughts, and when their eyes met, the pain she feared would envelop her fled from the truth of her love for Siena, and Siena’s love for her.

“I’m here.”

“Good girl,” Siena purred and Jamie’s breath caught.

“Can I be inside you?”

“Yes. Can I return the favor?”

“Oh yes.”

As Jamie eased down onto Siena’s fingers, she slid her own into Siena. She imagined all the amazing and wonderful things that might happen if she truly let herself believe all the things she saw in Siena’s eyes.

She might not have the same complete trust and vision of herself as Siena yet, but she would. She would keep working on it, and she knew without a doubt Siena would keep reminding her just how amazing she was.