Page 14 of Is It Casual Now?

fourteen

Jamie worried her teeth on her bottom lip as she finished reading through the article one more time. It read well, and she liked it. It had been a while since she had liked an article this much. The editing stage had been more pleasant than ever before. Still her stomach tumbled with nerves.

The interview with Siena had been quick and easy. Far easier than she had anticipated. The questions were in essence asking Siena about thoughts and comments on Jamie’s previous post, her articulation doing nothing to quell Jamie’s desire to get arrested for public nudity.

The tension between them hovered beneath the surface of the professionalism neither of them would drop. Despite the need for them to lean over the coffee table in the crowded cafe in order to hear each other.

Siena’s eyes had wandered on more than one occasion to Jamie’s cleavage. Jamie had done nothing to dissuade her from looking. The woman’s precise answers and calm voice told nothing of the darkening of her eyes.

Jamie had listened to the recorded interview a few times more than she technically needed .

Tapping her fingers on her mouse, Jamie bit the bullet and pressed the number. She had been debating video calling Jessie for a little over an hour now.

“Hey, Sis. What’s up?” Jessie answered after a few rings. Her hair was a mess and her eyes still glassy. That jealous side of Jamie snickered at the idea of Jessie’s students and parents seeing their perfect teacher disheveled like this.

“I have an article I want to post, and I’m not sure about it.” Jamie dove right in, squashing that darker thinking.

“Okay?” Jessie answered as she moved around her kitchen. “So what’s the issue?”

“I was wondering if you could read it and let me know what you think.”

“Since when did you ever second-guess yourself or bother to ask me for my thoughts?” Jessie smiled.

Jamie knew her sister meant the words in jest, but they hurt, and she couldn’t muster the energy to hide the pain.

“Hey.” Jessie stopped moving, a spoon of ground coffee held in the air above her machine. Her voice was gentle. “I was joking. But you have to admit it’s unlike you to second guess yourself. Is this because of your dumbass boss?”

“Probably,” Jamie replied, grabbing ahold of the easy out. It was about so much more than that, but she wasn’t really ready to dive into that yet. There was too much for her to be thinking about as it was. And these interviews were literally capable of tipping her career progress one way or the other. She knew which one she would prefer.

“Of course, I’ll read it. Send it over, and I’ll get to it as soon as the coffee’s ready. I’ll call you back soon.”

“Thanks, Jessie.”

“Of course.” Jessie smiled before the call disconnected.

Thirty minutes later and Jamie was certain she was going to climb the walls at any moment. Each minute had felt like hours since she’d hit send on the email to Jessie. She had made coffee, paced the floor, eaten some toast, and now had resumed pacing once more.

Still Jessie hadn’t called her back.

“It wasn’t a fucking novel, Jessie,” Jamie muttered, running her fingers through her disheveled hair. She jumped in the middle of her pacing when the sound of knuckles on her door echoed through her place.

The kids asking questions about the similarities between Jessie and Jamie at the Halloween party hadn’t bothered her. Their innocence and curiosity were genuine and sweet. But usually, the questions that probing adults asked would annoy her at the best and become downright creepy at the worst. Eventually everyone would ask about telepathic links and mental abilities between them as twins.

Jamie and Jessie had never known anything quite like that. The conversations they had with a mere glance had far more to do with their similar lived experiences versus them being twins.

They did, however, always seem to know when the other one was around. That feeling washed over Jamie now as she stared at her closed door.

“Open up. I know you’re still home, JJ.” Jessie’s voice so alike and yet so different from her own.

“I hate that nickname,” Jamie called out loud enough for her voice to reach through the still closed door.

“I know!” the call came back.

Jamie wanted to scowl, but her smile won out. As jealous as she was at times with Jessie’s easy perfection, she understood why everyone loved her. She loved her sister even more than the rest. Her playfulness with Jamie had saved her sanity countless times while they were growing up.

That aside, she still needed to steel herself for her sister’s unexpected presence. Jamie pushed her shoulders back and channeled her remaining anxious energy in a vain attempt to control the situation.

“Well, it’s about time,” Jamie said as she flung open the door.

Jessie laughed, rolled her eyes and stepped inside. “You didn’t have a clue I was heading here.”

“Nope, but in the story I tell in the future about this, I’ll be all in tune and shit. It’s what the people want.”

“True,” Jessie said. “Just make sure you add that I was already up and ready, exercised and beautified enough for the runway when you called.”

Jamie laughed and wrapped her arms around her sister before they shuffled themselves inside.

“Of course. You’re always the prettier one in all my stories.” Jamie chuckled even as the truth of the words missed Jessie.

“You’re nuts.” Jessie laughed as she headed to the small kitchen and grabbed herself a mug and another cup of coffee.

“So?” Jamie asked tentatively. “What do you think?”

“Can we maybe catch up a little first?” Jessie smiled, those big baby-blue eyes of hers better than any puppy dog Jamie had ever seen.

“Of course,” Jamie said. “It’s been a bit hard catching up lately.”

“Lately?” Jessie sat at one end of Jamie’s couch, pulling her legs up and folding them underneath her as she used the arm as a backrest.

Jamie mostly mimicked her sister’s position at the other end, though she left one leg down, her toes bouncing her leg as they moved up and down on the floor in front of the couch.

“I know.” Jamie rolled her eyes. She was sure they communicated better through eye rolls than anything else. “I’m a shit sister who never has enough time for her older sibling. ”

“Two minutes older, and don’t you forget it.” Jessie nodded before sipping her coffee.

“So, what exactly do you want to catch up on?” Jamie asked, dreading the answer as she asked the question, feeding directly into Jessie’s agenda.

“Did you realize I was the one leaving the parking lot the other night?” Jessie was eyeing her carefully, definitely waiting for Jamie’s reaction. And Jamie really needed to control her shit right now. But she was also damn sure that wasn’t going to happen.

“What? What other night?”

“The Halloween party.”

“Halloween par…“ Jamie’s mouth dropped open, and realization dawned in a heated flush of her cheeks. Her hand slapped over her mouth in a vain attempt at hiding the shock. “The headlights,” Jamie murmured behind her hand.

“I didn’t think so.” Jessie smiled as if she’d caught Jamie in her own little lie.

“Well, fuck.”

“I know you did a while ago, but again?” Jessie asked, her smile turning up into an all-knowing grin.

“No, I didn’t fuck her again. Especially in the school parking lot.”

Jessie shrugged, her face expressing shock at Jamie’s outburst. “It’s not like it was during school hours.”

“No.” Jamie jumped up and paced again. “Oh my God. I know you have issues with how much I like sex, but do you really think I have no uncrossable lines?”

“Hey, I don’t have issues with it. And you’re both consenting adults.” Jessie stopped for a moment and pinned Jamie with her eyes. “Aren’t you?”

“Of course.” Jamie was disgusted that her sister had to even ask. “Consent is sexy.”

“Okay, so you didn’t fuck again.” Jessie sipped her drink as though she had mentioned nothing more interesting than what she had for breakfast.

“No. We did not fuck again.” Unfortunately , Jamie’s mind unhelpfully added. “But can we please get back onto the actual topic?” Jamie’s voice was a little harder edged than she had meant.

“Seems to me this topic is pretty much related to the one you called me about,” Jessie replied, seemingly unaffected by Jamie’s snapping.

Jamie shook her head. “No. It’s not. I fucked her before I knew who she was.” Or she fucked me. “This interview is nothing about that.”

“So then why is it so different from everything else on your blog?” Jessie’s eyebrows rose as though she had just pulled out the smoking gun in the middle of a courtroom.

“You’ve read my blog?” Jamie could have been knocked over with a feather. She stopped pacing and turned to her sister as she blinked slowly, trying to process this information.

“Of course I’ve read it,” Jessie replied, her face filled with hurt. “I’m one of your subscribers. I figured you must have known that.”

“I didn’t.” Feeling like she had kicked a puppy, Jamie shook her head and wondered how she had missed that. To be fair, she rarely bothered to look at the details of the subscribers, focusing almost solely instead on the number. And by focusing, she meant being utterly obsessed with every movement the numbers made.

“I also read all the bylines of yours I find in the paper,” Jessie said. “It’s the only reason I read the newspaper.”

“Oh.” Jamie was suddenly lost for words.

“Did you really think I wouldn’t?”

Jamie closed her mouth, trying to find her words again. She searched for a truth that wouldn’t be carved on a dagger. “I guess I just never thought you’d bother. You’ve never mentioned them, so I just didn’t think about it, I guess.” The lie came too easily to Jamie’s lips. Of course she had thought about it, thought about how uninterested her family was in her passion for the truth, for her growing skill in writing.

Jessie pulled her face into a look Jamie knew all too well. The look she had named Jessie’s enhancing-her-calm expression. “I do. I’ve always read what you get published. And this is different from what’s usually on your blog.”

“How so?” Jamie grabbed onto the safer topic, easily pushing away the idea of her sister following her life far closer than Jamie had ever followed back.

“It’s not…” Jessie’s lips pursed together for a moment, the telltale sign she wanted to find a more diplomatic way of saying what was on her mind. Jamie supposed they weren’t one hundred percent opposite as she had told Siena they were the other night. She guessed it might be more like a ninety-percent average.

“Just spit it out, Jessie.” What little patience Jamie had remaining throughout this unexpectedly confronting conversation vanished. But that wasn’t Jessie’s fault, not really. So Jamie added. “Please?”

“It’s better written, there’s absolutely no doubt about that. But it’s not the same level of snark and bitchy observation as your usual stuff. It doesn’t have that same hate-for-the-world angle you usually take.”

“Oh.” Whatever Jamie had expected the answer to be, apparently, it hadn’t been that.

“It’s not bad. It’s just different.” Jessie smiled and lifted her shoulders.

As close as the two of them were, that connection had become more distant over the years as Jessie threw herself into caring about other people’s kids and Jamie focused on getting her own career on track.

“You think the difference is something my audience will see as bad.” It wasn’t a question. What was worse was that Jamie couldn’t even entirely argue or even disagree with Jessie’s assessment. It had felt good writing something without such a negative spin on it for once. Was that why the writing had come so much easier? Why the words flowed and she had smiled as she edited it?

Or did that have more to do with the subject?

No, Jamie dismissed that idea. For now.

“I guess that depends,” Jessie said.

“Depends?” Jamie narrowed her eyes at her sister. “What do you mean it depends ?”

“Well,” Jessie put her mug down on the coffee table and straightened her back, wriggling in her pretzel pose on the couch. “I guess it depends on who you actually want your audience to be going forward.”

“It’s taken me this long to get to the number of subscribers I have now. Why would I want to change that? I might finally be getting somewhere. I don’t want to live my whole life relying on other people for my income, especially when being a grunt at a paper isn’t exactly filling me with joy.”

“Does the blog fill you with joy?” Jessie asked.

“You just have to ask the hitting questions, don’t you?” Jamie teased. “And honestly, not usually.”

“But this one did?”

“Yeah.” Jamie’s smile was easy and real. She felt it in every part of her. “It really did. It felt good giving the other side of the argument.”

“It’s a good piece, Jamie. You should be proud of it.”

“But?” Jamie asked, feeling that two-minute age difference as though it were years. She sat on the couch next to Jessie. Her sister twisted around, her legs still crossed though her position righted so her thigh touched Jamie’s.

“But…” Jessie said as Jamie rested her head on her shoulder. “I just want to know what’s going on with my sister behind the writing.”

“I don’t really know,” Jamie answered honestly, knowing Jessie would listen no matter how little any of it made sense.

“Okay, so start anywhere, and we can figure some of it out. If you want, that is.”

“I hate my job. I do it to pay the bills. I wrote that first piece with information I had gotten ages ago, but never thought I would ever use.” How would Siena react if Jamie actually explained that to her? Instead, Jamie had done what she normally did and pushed to get exactly what she wanted—or at least what she thought she wanted and what she thought the world wanted of her.

“Until she left you high and dry on a Friday night?” Jessie’s voice carried a hint of mirth with a larger helping of understanding.

“Yeah. And I’m not proud of it.”

“You’ve written far more damaging articles.”

“I know,” Jamie whispered, fearing the words that danced on her tongue. “And I think maybe every word of it makes me a bad person.”

“You aren’t a bad person,” Jessie replied quietly, not quite matching Jamie’s whisper.

“But I’m not a good person.” Jamie knew that truth deep in her heart, and she wasn’t ever going to be able to escape it.

“I think you are,” Jessie answered.

“You think everyone’s a good person.”

“Nah, I just think everyone has the potential to be.”

“Even me?”

“Especially you,” Jessie replied. “If you think you aren’t the person you want to be, then maybe it’s time to change things.”

“I want the interview to be good, but I don’t know if she’ll let me ask the question. ”

“Oh, not the interview you sent me?” Jessie picked up her phone as if to show the interview she’d sent over.

“No. This interview is just to placate the day job until I get the questions approved for the big one.”

“The Bunny and Piper one? And Siena has to approve all of them?”

“Yeah.” Jamie smiled. She should have known. Jessie always listened to her work rants and remembered. Jamie needed to work harder on listening to Jessie’s work talk. She had to learn to ask. Because she did care, whenever she could get her head out of her ass long enough to look around. And she needed to do that way more often than she had been.

“So, what questions don’t you think Siena will approve you to ask them?”

“She’s approved most of them. But honestly, there’s only one question I really want to ask them now.”

“What question is that?”

“What made you choose Siena as your manager all those years ago?”

“Oh, Sis. Looks like you might have met your match.”

“I know,” Jamie said. “I’m fucked.”

“So what are you going to do?”

“Get my head back on and stop fucking around.”

“Hmmm.” Jessie pursed her lips. “I’m not sure I’m going to like where you are heading with this, am I?”

“Nope.” Jamie smiled, though it mustn’t have reached her eyes as Jessie’s own face deflated like the metaphorical kicked puppy once more.

“You know having feelings doesn’t have to be a bad thing.”

“It does if it stops me being the kick-ass journalist I’ve been working so damn hard to be.”