Page 29 of Is It Casual Now?

twenty-nine

“Hey baby.” Siena smiled as Harley opened Tori and Miranda’s front door and jumped up into Siena’s waiting arms. “I’m so glad to see you.”

“Me too, Mommy,” Harley replied as Siena stepped over the threshold.

After a quick hug, Siena put Harley back on the ground with a smile. Harley raced off down a hallway without a glance back.

“Hey, you’re early.” Tori came out from the kitchen and brushed her lips along Siena’s cheek.

“Hope that’s okay.”

“Of course it is. When has it ever not been okay?”

“Well.” Siena felt her face grow warm as she rubbed the back of her neck and looked around at the place she had never been able to afford the equal of during her and Tori’s marriage. Miranda, in some ways, was doing so much better than Siena. That or they were just at different places when the relationships started.

“Oh for goodness’ sake, Siena.” Tori rolled her eyes, but that smile, always so sweet and understanding, danced on her lips. “You are always welcome here. And I never have an issue with you seeing our daughter more. And I never will.”

“But does Miranda mind?”

“No, why would she?” Tori asked as she led the way back into the kitchen.

It was easily double the size of their old one, but still Tori waved her hand toward the table, and Siena took a seat in the place as she would have back there—back then.

“I’ll put the water on, and you can tell me why you look like you’ve gone ten rounds in the ring with your hands tied behind your back.”

“Oh my God.” Siena laughed and relaxed down into the chair a little more. “That’s one hell of a metaphor.”

“I know, right?” Tori laughed as she puttered around, getting things ready to make them both a cup of tea. “Tierney is dating this gym owner, and everything he says is a boxing metaphor or some other workout thing. He seems nice enough, though, if a little dull.”

“That’s good.” Siena smiled, and she couldn’t deny how much she enjoyed Tori’s stories and knowing how happy her ex-wife was.

“It is,” Tori said as she placed one cup in front of Siena and slid into the adjacent chair with the other cup. “Now will you tell me what the hell’s going on with you?”

“What do you mean?” Siena lifted her cup and sipped, instantly regretting the distraction as the hot liquid scorched the tip of her tongue and her lip. “Shit.”

“I’d be tempted to say instant karma, but I know how you hate that.” Tori smirked and made a show of blowing on her own liquid to cool it before taking a tentative sip. “So I’ll ask again. What’s going on with you?”

“What makes you think anything’s going on?”

“You really want me to do this?”

Siena blew on her drink and took another sip, forcing herself not to wince as the liquid touched the small burn she had already given herself.

“Fine.” Tori settled her cup back onto the table and counted on her fingers as she continued. “You’ve been taking more time off work. I know this because more than once in the last few weeks you’ve called to have some spontaneous time with Harley. Which I love, and if it were just that, I would be even more thrilled. But then you chased down Jamie, and you snapped at Harley. Now you’re showing up early for exchanges, and you look like a lost little puppy.”

“A lost puppy?” Siena lifted a single eyebrow as she looked at Tori over the rim of her cup. “Really?”

“You’re more offended at being called a puppy than being told you look like you’ve been beat up?” Tori laughed and shook her head before she leaned over the table and gently put a hand over Siena’s. “Please tell me what’s happening. Maybe I can help.”

“It’s me, Tori.” It was as though that simple touch had broken the dam holding back the emotions she’d been failing to convince herself weren’t there. “The problem is me.”

Tori got up from the table and returned with a box of tissues. She held them out for Siena to take one before sliding back into place and pushing the tissues close enough for Siena to reach.

“Thank you.” Siena dabbed at her face. “But I swear to God if you start in on a Taylor Swift song, I’m leaving right now. Besides. I shouldn’t be a mess with Harley here, and I’m about to take her home for pizza.”

“Pizza’s already on its way,” Tori said, taking another sip of her drink.

“What?”

“Don’t go getting mad, but while I was making our drinks, I messaged Aili.”

“Fuck. ”

“She’s on her way with pizza and games to keep Harley occupied enough until you’re ready to take her home. Then you’ll have two of us to gang up on you.”

“Great. I’m such a shit parent.”

“Seriously?” Tori’s tone snapped Siena out of her spiral into intrusive thoughts before they could even begin.

“I know. I’m a great parent. Harley proves that,” Siena recited.

“Yeah, and when you say it like you mean it, I’ll know you’re doing better about yourself as well. But come on, quit stalling, and tell me what happened.”

“Fine.” Siena caught Tori up on the fake engagement and the leak.

“All right,” Tori said slowly. Her eyebrows were slightly furrowed as she thought about the words before she spoke. “So stuff at work has really gone haywire. But these things have happened before. Why is it affecting you so much this time?”

“Because of Jamie.”

“So there is something with Jamie?” Tori asked. The lack of surprise in her voice should have offended Siena, or at least made her feel something.

“Yes.”

“And more than just some casual fun?”

“It was never just some casual fun.” Siena hated admitting that, but it was impossible with it all staring her right in the face. She’d wanted it to be. Because it’d be so much easier if it was.

“And you think she betrayed you?” Tori asked.

“She did betray me. And I should be furious with her. Instead, I’m just sad and broken. I can’t keep making these kinds of mistakes.”

“What kind of mistakes?”

“Love.” The word caught in Siena’s throat, and she looked up, prepared to face hurt and anger from Tori. Instead, her ex- wife’s face radiated the same kind understanding Siena had always loved about her.

“Love isn’t a mistake, Siena.”

“Maybe not.” Siena could have left it at that, but she had been a coward for too long. “But I screwed up with you. I should never have asked you to marry me. I should have never put you through what I did. I’m so sorry, Tori.”

“Excuse me?” Tori now sounded affronted, and the relief of being seen as the true villain of their relationship was a relief. “Don’t pull that shit on me, or on yourself.”

“Myself?” Siena looked up, and while Tori’s face did show hints of anger, it wasn’t the anger she was expecting.

“Yes.” Tori pinned Siena with her stare. “Do you think I’m completely blind about everything, Siena?”

Siena opened her mouth and shut it again. “No, I suppose not.”

“And yet you think I haven’t been able to figure out the complications of our past?” Tori put her hand over Siena’s once more and squeezed lightly before pulling back. “I know you loved me, and I know you still do. But we were never truly in love with each other. You weren’t the only one convinced that near enough was good enough.”

Siena blinked and tried to fit this information into her own world view, of both her own actions and of Tori.

“Of course, I was upset and angry when I first realized, but I know you, Siena. You believed in love, and you believed the love we had for each other was enough to get us what we both wanted. Not just you, but I wanted it too. I still did even after we got divorced. That’s the difference. You gave up on it, and I didn’t. Not our marriage, but the dreams of family.”

“Yeah, but that doesn’t excuse me. That doesn’t mean I’m not making the same mistake that I made with you again.”

“Then do something different,” Tori snapped out before Siena could continue further down the self-flagellation road .

The doorbell rang, and Tori was on her feet and heading out of the kitchen before Siena had taken in her words, let alone her tone.

Throughout their marriage and subsequent friendship, Tori had so rarely used that tone with Siena that she genuinely couldn’t remember the last time or the reason for it.

It did its intended job, though. By the time she returned to the kitchen, pizza in hand and Aili and Harley in tow, Siena was ready to talk properly, and to ask Tori for her help and guidance.

“Hey there.” Hugs and kisses were exchanged.

Once the pizza had been put onto plates, Aili led Harley away, pretending to tiptoe in secret as she took the food out of the kitchen. Harley’s giggle filled Siena’s body with a lightness that had gotten her through more days than she could ever count.

“Nothing that brought her into our lives could ever truly be a mistake, Siena,” Tori said.

Siena turned from where their daughter had disappeared and watched as Tori pulled her own eyes from the same place to look back at her.

“I could never see her as a mistake.”

“And our relationship wasn’t either. It was precisely what we needed, for as long as we needed it to be.”

“Love’s made you an even bigger sap,” Siena joked, smiling at Tori.

“Yep. And what are you going to let it do to you?” She took a bite of her pizza slice as she nodded and waited for Siena’s answer.

“She doesn’t want me like that, Tori. I can’t stop thinking about her. And she doesn’t even want me like that.”

“Oh my God,” Tori exploded as she slapped her pizza slice back onto her plate. “Are you kidding me?”

“What?” Siena took a big bite of her own slice, having realized how hungry she was only when the smell of grease and cheese had made her stomach growl.

“Siena, I love you. I will always love you. As the mother of our daughter and as someone I’ve shared my life with.” Tori leaned back already, shaking her head. “But for the love of God, would you finally stop overthinking every single little thing in your life?”

“Just because I don’t like rushing into things?—”

“There’s taking things slowly, and then there is becoming a sloth with your emotions.”

“I’m not a sloth.”

“Yeah, you really are.” Tori chuckled and picked up her pizza again. “You might get naked easy enough, but not with your heart.”

“You want me to get naked with my heart?”

“Yep. And sooner rather than later.”

“Yeah okay, let me just schedule that in.” Siena’s voice dripped with sarcasm. “My first free time would be in three years’ time.”

“You’re impossible sometimes. You know that.”

“It has been mentioned.” By Tori herself, actually, during one of their many arguments over the past years. Though this time it didn’t quite carry the same tension that it used to.

Tori laughed and got up from the table once more.

Siena busied herself with eating until a heavy thunk jerked her head up again.

“Go see her. Go take this to her place, and for the love of God, just get out of your own head long enough to let her into it.”

“Oh my God.” Siena laughed as her eyes flicked from the bottle of tequila, to Tori’s eyes, and then back to the bottle. “I don’t think that’s going to be as helpful as you think. Besides, I owed you a bottle, not the other way around. ”

“I have a theory about that.” Tori sat back down, and the air between them had grown warm and comfortable again.

“Oh yeah?”

“Yeah.” Tori picked at her food. “Tequila doesn’t make people get horizontal easier.”

“Oh, I beg to differ.” Memories of their post-divorce fucking flooded Siena’s brain. It had been sloppy, drunk, dizzying, and had wrecked her all at the same time.

Tori shushed Siena, who quickly mimed zipping her lips.

With a nod, Tori continued. “It helped us…” She flicked her fingers between herself and Siena, “…get horizontal because that was what we needed.”

“Really?”

“Yep. It seems to have the effect of getting rid of the bullshit walls and making you do what needs to be done.”

“We needed to shag one last time?” Siena asked, amused by the entire conversation.

“Apparently.” Tori smiled.

“Hang on.” Siena narrowed her eyes. “If that’s the case, then what did it make you and Miranda do?”

“That…” Tori pointed a finger at Siena as she stood up and quickly busied herself with tidying up the empty cups and plates, “…is something no one else ever needs to know.”

Siena laughed and helped by wiping down the table as Aili stepped back inside. God, Siena missed her. With Harley not being in daycare except in the evenings, Siena barely saw her old friend anymore.

“What problems are we solving?” Aili put her hands on her hips. “Harley’s sufficiently entertained.”

Siena furrowed her brow and wrapped her arms around Aili’s neck in a tight hug. “Tori already solved them.”

“You’re kidding.” Aili frowned. “You mean I don’t get to use my amazing deduction skills? ”

“No, sorry.”

Aili’s gaze dropped to the bottle of tequila on the table. “Who’s trying to get laid?”

Siena broke out into a laugh, right along with Tori. Siena wrapped her arm around Aili’s waist and pulled her in for a slight hug. She really needed to not forget her friends so often. She needed them, just like they needed her.

“Tori,” she said as Tori was about to head out of the kitchen, undoubtedly to go check on Harley.

“Yeah?” She stopped and turned around.

“Are you really not mad at me for wasting your time?”

“Oh, no.” Tori wrapped her arms around Siena’s neck and held tight. “I’ll never be mad at you for that. We have a relationship I wouldn’t trade for the world and a daughter I’d kill for.”

“Not die for?”

“Well, sure.” Tori untangled her arms and stepped out of Siena’s space. “But that’s easy. Anyone can die, but killing takes deliberate action.”

“You know, I think I should be worried about how much you’ve obviously thought about this. But it’s strangely comforting.” Siena laughed lightly, already noticing the ease that she was feeling compared to before.

Tori laughed and looped their arms together. “I think you need a bit more time to relax with friends. What do you say?”

“Yeah.” Siena didn’t resist this time. She did need this, and she was going to take the offer. “Yeah, I do.”

“Perfect, because Tori promised girl time with no partners.” Aili clapped her hands together. “Just like the old days.”

“Not quite like the old days,” Siena confirmed, glancing at Tori. “I don’t need to go back to the drama of dating either of you again, thank you very much. I have enough dating drama in my life right now. ”

“Oh, do fill me in.” Aili snagged a slice of pizza and sat down at the table, expectedly waiting for Siena to spill. Laughing, she obliged.