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T he nightmare is now over. I tell myself every waking day. James has been a huge help the last few days since my breakdown. He held me, or at least the pieces of me. I tried putting the pieces back to how they were before, but they don’t fit that way anymore. It is difficult trying to find your own self, trying to build your own self. I have been going to support groups and even had my first therapy session. I have been somewhat scared to be in close proximity with a man.

I know that not all men are the same, but the one who broke me was a man. No, he was not a man. He was a predator. He is a predator. But I have to move on with my life, because if I don’t I know that life will leave me behind. And I don’t want to be stranded alone. It sucks!

So I shake all these thoughts away and get out of bed and brush my teeth. I shower and get ready and head to class. With finals looming over my head, I need to catch up on the things I couldn’t focus on. I have the interview assignment for my Journalism class submission due this week and I haven’t even started writing the final article.

Hell, I don’t even know what I’m going to write about Marcus James Williams. Maybe I can write about how he is a gentle and caring man, or how he loves to watch anime. Perhaps I should focus on his game that I know nothing about or how his passion for coding that nobody seems to appreciate. I carefully jot down all the points in my notebook, ensuring to exclude any personal details about his family.

Jamilah takes a seat next to me. Today is the last day of classes before finals week officially begins. “My interviewee was so particular about everything! I should’ve just asked her to write the article herself. She’s a Communications major and represented Winston Uni in the UN debate team. Like, I get it Jessica! You want to highlight how each of your arguments was neatly designed to have the perfect balance of productive and filler words, but I do not need the statistics of every sentence you speak! How’s your stupid article coming along?” She groans. I chuckle softly. Jamilah and I have become pretty close friends, from meeting just in class, we have taken our friendship to random weekend plans.

“Good morning to you too.” I say.

She chuckles. “Sorry. It’s just Jessica pisses me off in a way nobody does! And trust me I deal with cyber bullies ALL THE FUCKING TIME!” she stresses.

“Yeah, that really sucks. I’m surprised you haven’t told her to fuck off soon enough.” Jamilah is a very sweet girl. When you first meet her. As she gets comfortable with you, her real self starts to show. She is a typical lawyer. And the girl can bitch! She showed me some of the “conversations” with her cyber bullies and trolls and if someone sent me messages like those, I’d cry. She hits the nail where it hurts. And the thing is that she knows where it hurts!

“I know right!? Unfortunately, at the end of the class, the interviewee also gets a form where they rate us and that is going to decide our grade. I need straight A’s to get a scholarship for law school. So, everything lies in the wicked witch of the west’s hands. I hope she drowns in her own tub!” I stifle a chuckle.

“Drown?”

“I don’t mean ‘drown and die’! I just hope that she at least chokes on some of her statistics and I hope that my face flashes in front of her eyes as she gasps for air!” The expression on her face scares me a little. But I like her! She was there for me through the entire Jake situation. She really helped me spread the true colour of Jake using her online superpowers. She is the reason how all those girls that Jake had assaulted before know that he is being ousted!

“Wouldn’t wanna be Jessica! But thankfully my interviewee is a nice guy.” James is a nice guy.

“Lucky bitch! You don’t have to rub it in my face!” We both break out into a laugh just before Cruella aka our Professor steps in the class in her Dalmatian coat.

Literally! She’s wearing a dalmatian coat! It is a knockoff, I can tell easily, but it suits her personality.

◆◆◆

One rejoices life and mourns death.

One rejoices life and mourns death.

One rejoices life and mourns death.

I am rejoicing in his death. I do not mourn it.

I really tried to.

All I could think about was what he did to me and wanted to do…

I am rejoicing in his death. I do not mourn it. Not one bit!

Jake is dead.

He was beaten to death by his new cellmate. His new cellmate was in for murder. Muder of rapists. Apparently his wife was once raped in front of his eye by some criminal gang leader and since then, he swore to find and kill every rapist.

God bless his soul—He, who killed Jake.

I am rejoicing in his death. I do not mourn it.

I am free.

Free.

Free of the fear.

Free of the torment.

Free of my nightmares.

Free at last.

Free.

◆◆◆

Have you heard the phrases, ‘Love sustains you’, ‘Love nourishes you’? Love and love and love…

I know that I am capable of sustaining myself, of nourishing myself, of caring about myself, of loving myself. I know that I don’t need anyone to tell me what I can and cannot do. I don’t need anyone’s opinion about me for me to get to know myself better.

I don’t need anyone’s help. I want it.

I’ve realised the biggest difference between need and want- the availability of choice .

I want love in my life. I want someone to sustain me. I want someone to nourish me. I want someone to care about me. I want someone to love me. I want someone I need. I want someone who needs me. And thankfully only one person makes the list.

It’s time to suit up and go get my man!

◆◆◆

It was no shocker to me when my article wasn’t selected to be published. And it screwed up my entire plan of grand gesture. But thankfully, I have one thing- money. I bought a small column in the same paper for that week’s paper. And by buying the column, I mean that I buttered up one of my colleagues who was in charge of the column, I promised to buy her dinner.

One thing college students will do anything for is good food! Although I’d heard that Winstons has better food when compared to other Universities, I refused to believe that dry chicken and unseasoned food should be allowed to count as good food.

The space was obviously shorter than before. I know I couldn’t pour my entire heart into it, but I wanted to pour just enough.

◆◆◆

It has been two days since my article was published in the paper. Everyone in the University knows that I am madly in love with Marcus. I did not write anything of the sort, but I wouldn’t say that it’s entirely wrong either. There has been no word from James. No text. No call. No meeting. Nothing.

I know he held onto me when I’d given up, he held onto the hope of us when I never thought there could be an us anymore.

It’s my turn to keep faith now. In us.

I check my phone for the hundredth time. No texts. No calls. I bang my phone on the desk and go back to studying.

My stomach growls in retaliation. I’ve been studying for 7 hours without a break. I place a quick order on doordash and go back to studying. The Biology finals are going to be the death of me!

The bell rings just on time as I close my laptop and flop on the bed. I open the door totally expecting the food delivery person. I don’t even bother tidying my hair or blot my oily face. A very handsome football player stands outside my door, holding my food order.

“Please don’t tell me that your grand gesture was to sign up for doordash delivery, just so you could wait for me to place the order and deliver it to my house and that is why it took you two days to respond because I hadn’t placed any order on doordash?!” I take a breather and he keeps smiling at me.

“If there was a competition of grand gestures, I’d win!” I say too quickly in my defence. James breaks out in a huge laughter.

“You win.” He drops the food to the ground and closes the distances between us in one stride and swoops me in one arm and crashes his mouth on me. I don’t think one second before I tangle my hand in his hair and we are heavy breaths and tongue and two bodies starving for each other. He pushes me against the wall and presses his body onto me. Grinding against me, while his mouth proclaims me in the purest and most innate way possible. Our bodies mesh together in need of the other.

I bring my other hand to his neck and his hands wander on my body, settling on my waist and the crook of my neck. His lips trace hungry kisses from my mouth to my neck and a loud moan escapes my throat. We realise that the door is wide open and the neighbours are hearing everything.

But I don’t give a damn right now. I need him. I need James. He grabs the food in his left hand and pushes me inside the house, while not breaking the kiss. And when he finally pulls back he smiles at me. He traces his thumb across my lip with hunger in his beautiful blue eyes. With love in his heart. And me in his arms.

“I love you Raven, with my heart, body and soul.” he smiles and his ocean blue eyes sparkle like the rising sun lights up the ocean.

“I love you James, with my heart, body and soul.” I think we can make it this time. James and I. Us. I love him.

I love James.