Page 28

There are some things that I am very very protective over- my brother, my Raven and my personal space. And it seems like all three are in jeopardy.

When mom got into that accident all those years ago, she was pregnant. Mom and dad had decided to keep it under the covers this time and they were going to announce it at his last game. He always used to say that my brother was going to be his retirement gift to him from mom. We were all genuinely excited for my brother to be born.

Frankly, if I ever wanted a sibling, before I had one, I’d always wanted a little brother. I could teach him football like dad taught me. We’d go golfing with dad and to Tech fest with mom. I’d bully him and bully anyone else who bullied him. When I dreamed of having a brother I’d dreamed of us all vacationing in Hawaii- mom’s favourite vacation spot.

“We can only save either of them.” The doctors had informed us. “The mother or the child. The mother chose to save her son, but she still wanted to make sure that you two were on the same page.” Even on deathbed, my mother thought about the man who had cheated on her while she was pregnant with his child. I was on the verge of throwing up.

“I–I–I–can’t. How can I choose? Your fucking job is to safely deliver my child while keeping my wife alive. I will not choose. You will save them both, or else I suggest that you find some good lawyers.” Dad said in a very calm voice which was more threatening than if he’d yelled.

The doctor starts to sweat. “I assure you that we are doing the best we can. But when your wife arrived at our hospital, she was already on the brink of death. The baby’s heart is still strong, the odds are in his favour. The decision is you and your wife’s. And she has chosen to save the baby. Again, we are trying to save both of them but she has lost a lot of blood, if the baby stays inside, you might lose them both.” I zoned out after that. Nothing made sense to me. I looked at my father’s face and I was shocked.

Tears. I saw tears flowing down his cheeks. Just thirty minutes ago, this man was lifting the Vince Lombardi trophy and now he is having to choose between having to save his wife or his unborn child. I felt sorry for my father. He must be feeling so helpless right now. I wish…I wish I’d gone with mom. I wish it was me instead of her who was lying on that bed.

“Save the child.” My father was inaudible. Defeated.

I jumped onto him thinking I must’ve heard something wrong. “What? Dad…how can you–”

“Save the child!” My father said sternly now.

“Dad!” I shouted as I saw the doctors and everyone walk inside. “You are a fucking monster. I am not letting my mother die.” I tried to run past him and he held my hand and stopped me.

“If I chose her over the baby, she would never forgive me and she would never forgive herself.”

“Well…now she won’t even be there to forgive you or herself.” I raised my voice at my father for the first time in my entire life. “You are a selfish person. You only care about yourself. And you are doing this just because you want to have a clear conscience for yourself.” Poison. I was spitting poison. And it consumed my father, because I saw it on his face.

He’d won the last game of his life, but he’d lost at the game of life that day. “I will never forgive you. Ever.” I walked away from him.

I was so consumed by anger, frustration and pain that I never got to say goodbye to my mother. I don’t know if my father did though.

I’d never felt that helpless after that because I never gave one thing so much power to make me feel helpless, until I did. Until I fell harder than ever for her. Until I loved her. And I ruined it all.

◆◆◆

I’d just walked inside the house and was very pumped up for round two this morning. “Raven!!! Time for round t–” I spotted my brother sitting at the table. “Caleb?!” Panic triggered in my brain, was my father here? Why was he here? I was not ready to talk to him. I didn’t want to even see him for now. I needed space. I needed air. Suddenly breathing became difficult.

“James…you’re here.” Riya appeared from the stairs. “James…are you okay?” her brows furrowed as she ran towards me. I was clearly having a panic attack.

“Where is my father?” I managed to ask her.

She helps me sit on the sofa and gets me some water. I focus on her hand on my back and then on my breathing. It’s fine. I can breathe. Only after I’ve calmed down does she tell me. “He’s not here. Your brother came here by himself…I think…he took a cab by himself.”

My panic turned into anger. How irresponsible could my father be? He let Caleb out of the house, let alone take the fucking cab to my place? Caleb doesn’t talk. It’s not like he cannot talk, but he hasn't ever since he was three. After he spoke a couple of sentences, he never spoke again. Not to our father and not to me.

I sometimes wonder, if things would be different had mother still been alive. Had that accident not happened. Had I gone with her and it was me who died instead of her. I could’ve driven her. If only I had not gone to the game with my father despite knowing about his indiscretions.

“Ri…Ri…choco chips.” Caleb called out for Riya from the table.

“Yes, darling. Just a minute.” Riya’s face is unreadable. It is as if she is mad at me, yet she feels pity for me.

“Hello, Emem.” Caleb signs to me and smiles.

I hold her hand. A little too tight perhaps. “He talks to you?”

“Ouch, Marcus! That hurts.” she winces.

“Sorry.” I immediately let go of her arm. I didn’t mean to hurt her in any way. I just am baffled by the fact that Caleb talks to her.

“Hi Caleb. What are you doing here?” I ask him verbally this time, hoping and praying that he will talk to me as well. I walk towards the table and sit in front of him. Riya sits next to him and sprinkles chocolate chips on his crepes.

“Thank you, Ri.” he smiles at her. Completely ignoring my question.

“You're welcome. Caleb.” she smiles at him and pokes his nose. And he laughs. HE LAUGHS! The last time I saw him laugh, was before he learned how to speak. When he was a baby. And a small nose poke from Riya was all it took for him to laugh?

“When did you come here Caleb? How did you come here and why did you come here?” I ask. My voice is tougher than before. His smile immediately fades away and he stares down at his plate of food.

Riya clears his throat and my gaze shifts to her. “He came twenty minutes ago. I called Dan a bunch of times too, but his call was going straight to voicemail. And he came here to meet you, Marcus. If you could be a little nice about it. He is your brother after all.” Riya’s eyes darken even more. It is clearly visible that she is mad at me.

“Riya, you don’t know, but Caleb doesn’t–”

“Caleb.” she shifts her gaze back to him and smiles. He looks the same as he does back at home when me and dad argue. “Do you want to take your plate to Marcus’ room and watch your cartoon while eating?” she asks him.

“He’s not going anywhere but home this instance.” I stand up from my chair. I love Riya and I know she is trying to help, but I will not tolerate anything when it comes to my brother. I will protect him with everything I have.

Caleb gets out of his chair and hugs Riya. Is my brother scared of me? No that can’t be, right? I’ve done everything I can to protect him, to make him happy and yet he has never once smiled at me like the way he smiles at Riya. “Ri, I don’t want to go home.” she smiles back at him. It is so weird how she can smile at him yet glare at me at the same time.

“Don’t worry. You can stay here for as long as you like.” She caresses his head. “Why don’t you go to Marcus’ room and eat the crepes there?”

Caleb picked up his plate and started walking towards the stairs. Riya stays silent until she hears the door of my room close and then she gets up abruptly out of her chair.

“What is wrong with you?” She yells at me.

“What is wrong with me? What is wrong with you?” I shout back at her. “That is my brother, Riya! I will not–”

“Exactly James! That is your brother! A brother you never told me that you had!” She sits back down in her chair. Looking defeated. And then it strikes me. The only people who know about Caleb are my father and Daniel. I never got the courage to tell anyone else. I mean, how could I? I am ashamed of myself that I could not be the brother that he deserves.

“Riya…I…I was going to tell you but–”

She didn’t even look me in the eye. “But you didn’t. I trusted you with every little secret. And I am not saying that you didn’t tell me anything at all, but when were you going to tell me that when your mother–” she takes a look at the stairs and lowers her voice. “That when your mother got into that accident all those years ago, she was pregnant with Caleb? I told you everything about my sister and you know how much family means to me yet you lied to me.”

“I couldn’t tell you because I am not a good brother.” I shout. “I am not a good brother, Riya.” I mellow my tone this time. “I could never tell him anything about our mother. I would yell in front of him. I would fight with my father in front of him. And I let him believe that he is alone. I…” my throat constricts. I have always thought these thoughts but I could never say them out loud. Not even to myself. Because if I did, I wouldn’t be able to look myself in the eye.

Riya rushes to me and holds my face in her hands. “James…Your brother…you know him better than anyone. All he needs to hear or in fact all he has ever wanted to hear was that he is not alone. That his big brother will always be there for him.” her hand caresses my face.

I blink off my tears. “I wasn’t there when he needed me, Riya. I wasn’t…I didn’t tell him anything about her. I couldn’t. I couldn’t bring myself to talk about mom without breaking down before.”

“James I know–”

“And when I saw him speak to you, laugh with you. I…I felt jealous. Envious. Rage. I need space. So back off!” Words spit out like hot fire from my mouth. She suddenly takes two steps back from me. I wish I could take them back. But it is too late. Am I jealous? Yes. Am I envious? Yes. Do I feel a little bit of anger? Yes. My brother said her name before mine. He refused to share his laughter with me. And he was laughing and talking to someone who he’d met not even an hour before. Water pools my eyes and I fall on my knees. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it.”

She keeps backing away from me. “No James…I got it. I heard you loud and clear.” I could hear the lump in her throat reflect the pain in her words. She was holding back her tears.

“I feel pathetic.” My words are barely audible. Even to me.

“It is not my fault that you chose to hide a huge part of your life from me and him and didn’t fucking talk to him. I didn’t do any magic on him or force him to talk to me. He just felt safe with me. It’s sad that he felt safe with me within an hour, yet you couldn’t do it in five years, just because you didn’t have the balls to feel your pain and process it. Just because you were a coward your brother can’t speak to anyone!” Her words stung like a bee stung an allergic person. I had gone into an anaphylactic shock. I couldn’t believe what she was saying. I know I hurt her with my words, but if my words were a small cut, hers were bullet holes.

The next words that came out of my mouth were purely out of spite. I never meant them. And I never would either. Yet, I said them. “You have so much to say about me and my brother, huh? You are so brave when it comes to your sister then! You couldn’t even tell her the fucking truth to her face! Well, if you had used your own fucking advice, maybe your sister wouldn’t be such a bitch to you.”

Her face is red, with anger, with pain, with embarrassment. Tears roll down her cheeks. And I did that to her.

You hurt me, I hurt you …

The reality of what I did to her hits me. No…What have I done? I screwed up big time!

“How… dare you…bring my sister…into this!” her voice breaks. “You fucking lied to me! You didn’t even tell me that you had a brother to begin with! And yet you have the audacity to yell at me and make accusations? You know what? We’re done. I’m done with you! I knew from the beginning that everything was a facade. The show you put on! It is my fault I fell for it. But don’t worry, your every single word made it very clear to me where ‘WE’ stand!” She grabs her phone and walks towards the door.

I trust you with my heart, body and soul, James.

Her words keep echoing in my mind.

Stop her.

Don’t let her go.

I freeze.

“I’m sorry…” I mumble, standing still. She doesn’t even wait to hear those words.

I open the main door and run behind her.

“Ri…Ri…” Caleb comes running down.

I hear a tumbling noise and I run back to the stairs. “Caleb!” I shout. Fear set inside me at the sight of blood. Flashbacks of mother being wheeled into the ICU. ‘We can only save one…’ I hated the sight of other people’s blood after that. My hands start shivering. I grab the table cloth lying nearby and press it on his head. He is bleeding profusely.

I keep yelling out for Riya. And I hear the engine of her car start and she leaves. She drives away. I was going to ask her for help. I didn’t have my phone on me either. I didn’t get to buy a new phone.

“Where’s your phone, Caleb?” I ask him. He points upstairs towards my room. Fuck! I need to apply pressure to his wound! Only if Riya could’ve fucking stopped for two seconds to listened to me. But no! She had to let her ego take over. Not that she was the only one in the wrong. I wasn’t entirely honest with her. But if she had waited even ten seconds more to listen to me, she could’ve helped me with Caleb. If not the second chance, at least help me with Caleb.

I hear another car pull into the driveway immediately. Is she back? Thank God!

“Riya!!!” I shout, not moving an inch and keeping a constant pressure on Caleb’s forehead. “Riya! I need your help. Run in here! Fast!” I shout again.

I hear heavy footsteps bang into the house. “M…” I hear Daniel’s voice. George and Sid are right behind him.

“What happened?” Dan asks me as he helps me pick Caleb up and carry him towards the car.

“I just need to get Caleb to the hospital, right now.”

George doesn’t mutter a word. He gets in the car and drives us to the hospital.

◆◆◆

We come back home after I drop Caleb back at home. He needed two stitches on his forehead and sprained his wrist falling down. Thankfully there was no internal bleeding and he should be fine within the next three weeks.

“Where was Riya?” Dan finally asks me. I don’t want to think about it right now. This always happens to me. Just when my life is at my peak, I am forcefully knocked down. The game of life always has a point over me. Never letting me win!

“And why is she calling me?” Sid asks me. His screen displays Riya’s name and her photo from Dan’s father’s ball. She is smiling in that picture. We had fun at that ball to be honest. Even if I don’t want to admit it, I fell for that woman when I first laid my eyes on her at that party, I fell deeper for her at the ball and I have been a goner for her ever since. Only for us to end up like this.

I couldn’t tell her about Caleb. And I admit that it was my lack of trust in her that I couldn’t bring myself to tell her about Caleb. No, it wasn’t my lack of trust in her, but maybe it was my lack of trust in myself. I was too ashamed of myself. She wasn’t wrong when she said that I was a coward.

“M…she’s wanting to talk to you…” Sid pulls me out of my thoughts.

“I can’t talk to her…not like this! Not over a call. I need to see her in person and sort it all out.”

“M…!” Sid shouts at me. “She cut the call before you could finish yo–” I realised that the call was on speakerphone.

I am up and out of the house with the keys in my hand before Sid can even finish the sentence. I don’t know how much she heard, but I need to tell her. I need to tell her what I was going to say before, but couldn’t.

I keep chanting the entire drive–

“I’m coming to you baby! Please hold on to us. There still exists a WE. And above all, I’m sorry, my Raven. ”