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“You dare ask me that when I just found you fucking my boyfriend!” Juju snaps at me. She starts shaking and shivering. Jake rushes and wraps his arms around her. How dare he act innocent? How dare he touch another woman after what he tried to do to me? After what he did to me.

I finally snap and push him away from her. “You want the truth? Here’s the truth, Justine! Your boyfriend tried to–”

“She forced herself on me.” Jake stuns me again. “You saw it too, right babe? She was sitting on top of me and she had muffled my mouth with the towel and she–” he looks away, acting as if he is in pain. He wipes his non-existent tears.

I feel my breathing constrict and get shallow with every passing second. Until I realise that I am not breathing at all. “He’s lying, Juju.” I say softly that nobody hears it. Then I scream. “He is the one who tried to rape me.” I wrap my hands around myself and let the tears stream free.

“Riya!” Justine shouts and takes two steps away from me. “Jake would never do something like that. And rape? Don’t you dare use such words for him. He could never!” She defends him and my last thread snaps. Now I will set everything ablaze.

“So you will believe that I forced myself on him? Me? He is fucking stronger than me. For fucks sake! Get your head together and think! How could I overpower him, get him hard and fuck him at the same time? I was in the fucking shower and I–”

“She was drinking.” Jake leaves to go to the bathroom and returns with the whiskey bottle. “She was drunk. I didn’t know that she was taking a shower in here and when I came in here she told me that she needed me to keep her company and she started to undo her robe and…and…” he acts traumatised. It makes my blood boil even more. He is not the victim here. He is the perpetrator!

“She started stradling my thigh and when I tried to escape and…” He looks away blinking his eyes and I cannot believe the show he is putting on right now! “She fucking punched me.” he tilts his head to show her his cheek that I had punched. Perhaps not strong enough. “You yourself have seen how strong her punches are!”

This piece of shit!!! He should be writing a fucking book or a should audition for a TV show. “I couldn’t hit her back. You know I don’t hit women, right?” Justine walks towards Jake and hugs him and caresses his now swollen cheek. I am crushed in the worst way possible today. “When I fell to the ground, she climbed on top of me, locked my arms and legs under her knees and stuffed the towel in my face and tried to…but thank god baby! Thank god that you barged in at the right time! You saved me.” Jake flashes me an evil smile as Justine hugs him tighter. Why can’t she see the devil behind that face? That smile said everything. It told me that I lost.

But I am not giving up. Not so soon. “Are you done with your crap story? Because I am going to call the cops on you and report you. I am not letting a rapist walk free.” I don’t have the energy to explain anything to Justine. I shouldn’t have to explain anything to her. She is supposed to support me.

“Juju…” I walk towards her and try to shake her out of her trance of love. He has trapped her. I can’t let her date a rapist. I just can’t. “Juju…he’s lying to you babe. Look at me.” I force her face towards me. “He came inside the room and locked it and when I tried to leave he said stuff about James and I lost it. Yet, out of respect for you, I just tried to leave. But then he grabbed me from behind and that’s when I punched him. He pulled me and tried to…” I couldn’t tell her what exactly happened. “Please Juju, you have to trust me. You–”

“Leave.” She says quietly enough for me to hear it. But I thought I must’ve misheard.

I keep on telling her what had happened, “When you twisted the key to open the door that’s when he–”

“Leave!” She shouts this time.

“Juju…”

“It’s Justine for you.” She cannot even look me in the eye anymore.

“So you want to choose a fucking rapist over your best friend then?” I raise my voice at her for the first time.

“Please…” She exhales painfully. She turns her face to look back at him and he quickly changes his expression from the smug grin to being sad and hurt.

“You don’t even have the balls to say what he is? A rapist! Well, since you have made it pretty clear where we stand. Then I will see you in court.” I say out of venge. But I meant every word of it. By hook or by crook, I will have Jake punished.

“The court?” Jake asks as his eyes widen and the fear is evident on his face.

I take a step towards him, wiping the tears off my face. And I see him flinch slightly. “You chose the wrong bitch to take advantage of, fucker. I will make sure that your ass rots in jail for the rest of your pathetic life. And trust me when I say that I will make it my life’s mission to make sure that it happens. And not even your little bitch can save you from that.” I grab my phone and waltz out of the room.

I walk in my room and lock the door behind me. I lock all the windows and close all the blinds too and I run into the bathroom and empty my stomach. After I’ve emptied the breakfast, the vile feeling doesn’t creep out of me. Instead it seeps deep into my bones until I am repulsed by my own reflection. I dry heave in the toilet bowl as the nauseating feeling doesn’t fade.

I don’t know what to do. Even Justine turned against me. I…The one person who I told me that she was going to be there for me no matter what. I jump into the shower and grab the loofah and start to rub it over my body. I soon realise that Jake had used my bathroom, what if he used the loofah too? I immediately throw it away and scratch my body where I’d used the loofah. I cannot let even a single cell of that man remain on me.

I scratch and scratch my body to the point where I can see small red dots appearing on my skin. I am bleeding everywhere he has touched me. The sensation of his fingers inside me repulsed me. And I run to the toilet and throw up again.

I cannot breathe, I take shallow and fast breaths but it feels like the air is not flowing into my lungs. My head feels dizzy. I try to take deep breaths but I feel my body shaking and shivering. I pull my knees closer to my chest and try to concentrate on my heartbeat. This is probably one of the worst panic attacks I’ve had. I sleep on the bathroom floor unable to breathe, shaking, broken, used, tainted.

Dark thoughts keep creeping in my mind. Pain. I need physical pain to distract me from the emotional pain I am feeling. I need to escape the whirlwind of emotions I am caught in. Even if that escape is for a split second. I need to escape. I desperately need an escape. I am feeling everything yet I am numb. I need to feel something else. I take the stone exfoliator and I bash it on my left hand. Pain. I finally feel it. A distraction.

Excruciating pain. I think I might’ve broken my bone. But at least it distracted me. Mission accomplished?

I step out of the bathroom and dry myself and put on fresh clothes. Full clothes that cover my entire body. My loose turtleneck hoodie and loose flared jeans. I start packing my suitcase. I cannot stay here anymore. I will lose myself if I do.

I pack all my essentials. And I will hire someone to move the rest of my stuff. But I am never stepping foot in this apartment again. I text the landlord as well and let him know that I am moving out by next week and that I don’t know what Justine was going to do.

I take two deep breaths and then one more. “You can do this.” I clutch onto my Louis Vuitton bag and close the door behind me. I make sure to lock it and take the keys to my door with me.

I drag my suitcase down the stairs and walk by the kitchen towards the main door. “You’re seriously leaving?” Justine gives me a nasty look. I don’t take off my sunglasses at all because I don’t want her to see that I was crying. She and I were through the minute she chose her rapist boyfriend over me.

“Yeah Justine. I’m like seriously leaving.” I say in a taunting tone. “Because I like…seriously got raped by your boyfriend.” I continued with the tone. I still can’t believe that all of that just happened to me.

She puts down her mug of what must be coffee with cream and sugar. She has one every morning, then one in the afternoon and one in the evening. Her brows furrow in worry and there is sympathy on her face so contradictory to her words and her behaviour. “Riya, I’ve always seen how you act around Jake. I’ve had my doubts about your intentions towards him for a long time now.” Just when I think that I am at my lowest, God proves me wrong yet again. I feel her hand shake on my shoulder and maybe it is in my imagination, but I feel her pat my shoulder slightly as I feel her hand linger a second too long.

My tears make everything hazy. Tears of anger and betrayal. “Then all I can say is that you are fucking blind and the worst friend ever! You two deserve each other. Oh and also, I am moving out by next week.”

“You can’t just get up and leave!” Justine yells again. Her expression changes so fast that I am surprised.

“Watch me.” I smile through my tears that I hide behind my sunglasses as I walk away. It is starting to get dark outside as the Spring sun is setting and it is cold.

I pack my suitcase in my car and just sit in the car. I have no energy or will left to go to the police station and file the complaint about everything that has happened. I will have to live through it all again and I cannot do it. Not right now. I look up hotels nearby that I can crash at and then it hits me. I had lost my wallet. Shit! I had cancelled all my cards and haven’t received any cards. I am also a stupid person who doesn’t keep any cash saved for emergencies. Shit! I check my backup purse to see if I have any cash whatsoever left in my purse.

Twenty-one dollars. That’s all I have. Tears stream down my cheeks. Way to kick a person when she’s down! If I had to choose one day which has been the worst day of my life, it has to be today. I rest my head on the steering wheel and cry. I cry my heart out. I cry through the sunset and I cry through the moonrise. I cry to the point of dehydration and I have no more tears left. But the pain doesn’t subside. I cannot stay here like this for the entire night. I need to leave, what if Jake comes down here?

I dial the first person I can trust who would be able to help me.

“Siddharth?” I sniffle.

“Hey, is everything okay?” He asks me.

“Is…Ja– Marcus there?”

“He is here…” he must’ve moved closer to the boys because their voices are more audible now.

“M…she’s wanting to talk to you…” Siddharth must’ve told him before he picked up my call because he didn’t mention my name to him.

“I can’t talk to her right now, not li–” I immediately cut the call. I don’t want to listen any further. I cannot listen to any of it. Not anymore. I cannot hurt myself listening to whatever Marcus was going to say after that.

This time I laugh. Uncontrollably. Like a lunatic. Like I’ve finally lost it and gone crazy and perhaps I have…who knows? Life is laughing in my face right now, so I am going to laugh back in life’s face. I lost. I lost everything today. I might’ve even lost a part of myself.

No! I will never lose myself. I am the only person I can trust! I tell myself out loud, once and for all. I just need to find a place to park my car where I won’t be kicked out.

I dial another number that I never thought that I would call.

“Hello?” he picks up on the first ring.

“Cole?”

His voice is very loud at first. He probably must have company. “Riya! This is very unexpected. What's up?”

“I know it might sound very weird but is it okay if I just park my car in your parking area for tonight?”

“Is everything okay?” He asks me softly this time.

My voice breaks and I don’t lie to him. There is no point in lying anymore. “No. Nothing is okay. But I just…Nevermind it was stupid of me to call you like that. Goodnight Cole.”

“Riya! Wait. Wait. Wait. Don’t hang up” he rushes. “I am sending you the location of my house. You can park your car here.” my phone pings immediately after with a message from Cole. It is the location of his house. Not too far. It is a twenty minute drive from my place. I gather myself and start my car.

I am about to press on the accelerator when I see a black jeep pull up in the parking lot. I don’t need to wait for the person to get out of the car to know who it is. The little chipped paint just above the headlight, was from when I was trying to park his car. I’d offered to pay for it immediately, but he said no.

He doesn’t even bother turning off his car before he jumps out and runs towards mine. I feel myself wanting to run into his arms and cry. Maybe he is here to tell me that this entire day didn’t happen.

I can’t talk to her right now. That’s what he’d said. Before even listening to what I had to say. He…He broke me.

He knocks on my window and I don’t look at him. “Open the door, Raven. I want to talk to you. I need to talk to you.” he begs. But I can neither drive off nor unlock the door and throw myself in his arms. I refuse to even look in his direction. “Please Raven.” His voice is still soft. “Riya.” he says and it twists the knife in my heart.

I roll down the window. Still refusing to meet his eyes. Because I know the second I look in his eyes, I will break down again. And I am too broken to be broken more. I feel ashamed and used and more than that, I feel defiled. Defiled by Jake’s hands and his…

“I’m sorry.” His voice is sincere. “I’m sorry Raven. Please. At least look at me. Please…Riya. Just one time.” I can hear his soft gasps. He is crying.

“Jam–Marcus…Please. I…Please don’t do this. Not today. I feel disgusted today. Please just let me be. Just for today. Please.” I try my best to hold back my tears, keeping my eyes straight ahead.

“I made you…I…” he mumbles something under his breath. He wipes his tears. “The bags! Are you going somewhere?” He asks me.

“It doesn’t concern you anymore. Goodbye James.” I say as I finally drive off. One last look. I get one last look of him in my side mirror. He falls to his knees, holding his head in his hands. Crying. And all I keep saying is, “Hold onto us. You are my biggest weakness, yet you are my biggest strength, James. ”