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Life never throws just one punch. There’s always the first one that you never see coming. And then there’s the one you can feel is coming, and you even see it coming, but too late. And it’s often that second punch that knocks you out. But if you are like me and you endure the second punch too, life will throw a rocking hard third punch which is a skull breaking punch. There is no escape from it. The first two punches might give you false hope that you might be able to handle the third one too. But nope. The third one knocked me out cold.

I come home shaking and crying while driving all the way. He hurt me, I hurt him…

Juju runs towards me when I enter the house. She probably heard my not so subtle sobs. “Ri… What happened? Why are you crying?” She wraps her arms around me.

“It’s over…” I sob in her arms. “We…we’re over. Just like that. I…I…” She hugs me tighter. “I had really fallen in love with him and he…he lied to me.”

“What? Do you want me to break his bones?” I visibly see her nostrils flare.

I don’t care about his bones, he broke my heart! This is exactly why I didn't ever want to fall in love. I feared the heartbreak that came along…But…I…I thought that we were different. I thought we were game!

I just keep sobbing, gasping for breath. “I know babe…I know…” she pats my head and rubs my back. “I know…Love conquers our deepest fears, but your deepest fear was love. I know!”

“I really loved him, Justine.” I fall to the ground. Broken and frail.

The last time I’d dated a boy in freshman year of high school. We’d broken up because apparently I wasn’t enough for him. Or maybe I was too much. It wasn’t like I was head over heels in love with him. But I did love him. We were best friends for two years. He’d just transferred to our school. I was his first friend and he became my best friend.

‘I really love you. Would you like to be more than friends?’ he’d asked me. I had always loved Karthik as a friend. Correction-best friend. And when he confessed his feelings to me, it felt like I owed him the relationship. I did love him. I wasn’t in love with him. But I loved him. And when he told me that ‘He didn’t want to continue this relationship with me because we would never work out in the future’, I didn’t just lose a partner, but I lost my best friend too.

‘I never loved you anyway.’ I’d told him. I was angry at him and I was hurt. I always say things I don’t mean when I’m heartbroken. The truth is I did love him. Not deeply. But I liked spending time with him and holding his hand and hear him talk about his life. I loved that even after getting into a relationship, we still remained best friends. But when he told me that he never considered me his best friend, I was shattered. I regretted every word.

I started to feel guilty for hurting him so bad that I ignored the pain I’d felt. But he moved on. When I was stuck there for two years. I feared love after that. I feared that if someone I barely loved could break my heart so badly, what would happen if I found love that consumed me and that love broke my heart?

Well, I did find out.

It hurts like a bitch.

“I just want this pain to go away, Juju…I…” I gasp for air. “I can’t bear the pain anymore!” I keep crying.

The only one who can soothe this pain is the cause of the pain itself.

When he’d called my name, I wanted to stop. I did stop for a split second, my legs had become so heavy as if I was pulling an entire car with my legs.

My heart wanted to stay and listen to him.

But my brain told me to have some self respect and leave. If only…If only I had listened to my heart. I don’t know why but I feel regret. I feel guilt for some reason. I know that I said things I didn’t mean, but he hurt me. He broke me in the worst way possible.

I trusted him. I hadn’t trusted anyone in a long long time and yet, he gave me a reason to restore my fear of love again.

“Do you want some soup?” Justine asks me.

I pick myself up. “No, I’m sweating like a pig for some reason.”

“Riya…I know you loved him and I don’t know entirely what happened, but are you sure you don’t want to give this another shot? Just know that I am here for you, no matter what, babe.” She hugs me tighter. And I feel myself break more so.

My chest physically hurts from all the pain. My eyes feel dry. My nose is runny. And my emotions are all over the place.

“Thanks, Juju. I know that I can always count on you.” I wipe my snot on her shirt.

She steps back and chuckles. “You need to shower.”

“I already did.” I tell her.

“With girly products. You need a bubble bath and champagne…or whiskey” she adds quickly. “Whatever you want.” She rubs my shoulder and I am glad that I at least have her by my side. I don’t know what I’d do without her.

I will dehydrate myself if I get in a tub. “I don’t want a bubble bath, but the whiskey does sound good right now.” I don’t want to think about anything and I definitely don’t want to feel anything but numb right now.

I walked towards our alcohol cabinet and grabbed the cheap whiskey. I want my head to hurt tomorrow. I want the worst hangover possible, then, I won’t be able to think about anything else. Maybe then I will wake up tomorrow and think for a minute that this was all a bad dream. Maybe then I will forget that all this happened, even if it is for a minute.

“I’m gonna head to my room. I just need some time to myself and…maybe a cold shower.”

“Wait!” Juju shouts from the back. I wipe my tears and look at her with confusion.

She runs towards me, it’s just a few steps but she’s already out of breath. She really needs to work out. “Jake is in your bathroom. I’d completely forgotten. For some reason, there’s no hot water in my bathroom, so he’s using your bathroom to clean up.” I sigh. “Do you want some soup?” She asks me sheepishly.

“It’s fine. I want to take a cold shower anyway. I’ll use your bathroom and can you call the management and let them know?”

“Already did. They said they will send someone by four pm.”

I take a big swig of whiskey and head to Juju’s room. I strip in the bathroom and break down again. I take another big swig of the whiskey and pick myself up off the floor. I splash some water on my face to wake myself up from this dream. It has to be a dream. There’s no world where James and I would hurt each other like that.

But we did.

An hour. That’s all it took for him to throw me away. To throw us away.

I step into the shower and let the cold water wash over me. We were so happy not even two hours ago. I was consumed by my orgasm with his arms wrapped around me in his bed. Just when we had finally confessed our feelings…It feels like our story is over before it even began.

But I don’t want it to be over.

I was happy. With him.

I am happy with him

Until you weren’t …my inner voice whispers.

But fights happen with every couple.

But your’s happened before you two could even call yourself a couple , she whispers back.

‘Shut up!’ I shout. I pick up the bottle of whiskey and take another swig.

I let the cold water wash away my thoughts, my memories that my inner voice was starting to taint. I washed off the taint. And when my teeth start to clatter, I step out of the shower.

I wrap a towel around my chest and walk out of the shower. I’m sure Juju has one of her robes lying around in her bedroom. I walk outside in her bedroom and I feel chills all over my body.

It must be from the cold shower, but Juju’s room is hotter than the fucking Sahara desert. I feel another chill as I take another step.

I wipe my tears and drop my towel on the ground when I find her bathrobe. I quickly put it on and tie it around the waist. Jake was using my shower, so I cannot go in my room. I look around for my phone and it is inside the bathroom, on the floor, next to the pile of my clothes. James’ clothes. I go inside the bathroom to pick up my phone to see if there was any message or anything, from James and—

◆◆◆

Women have better sixth sense than men. It is not scientifically proven. Nonetheless, it is a fact.

We carry pepper spray when travelling anywhere, and hold onto keys or anything sharp when walking home at night. Hoping that we never have to use it. We try to prepare ourselves for going to a war when going out at night.

Make sure you never leave your drink unsupervised, don’t take drinks from other people, and never drink to the point of passing out when out. Make sure your phone never dies, especially when you are alone. Keep a shortcut for dialling the emergency number. The list goes on and on for the things that girls and women do when they leave their house.

But nobody told me that all that preparation was necessary even when you are in your own sanctuary. Your own house.

I pick up my phone from the bathroom floor and I unlock it to see if I had any messages. That’s when I get that ominous feeling again. I walk out of the bathroom into Juju’s room and I hear it lock. My heart sinks. I have a murmuring feeling in my stomach and the urge to throw up.

“So…Justine told me that you finally let Williams fuck you.” Jake stands in front of me in nothing but a towel wrapped around his waist. I can see the outline of his erect cock pushing against his towel. And his eyes are dark. Cold. The hair on the back of my neck twinges and I feel colder than before.

“What the fuck, Jake? You cannot talk to me like that and I most certainly don’t have to tell you shit. I’m out of here.” I walk towards the door but he holds my arms and pushes me back.

I hear loud music from outside. Break up songs, played at full volume on TV speakers. “Where do you think you are going?” He grins in an evil way. It is so loud that it makes it impossible to hear anything else in not just the living room, but the kitchen too. It is one of the reasons I bought that expensive speaker. Because whenever Jake stayed over, they would make enough noise to traumatise me for a lifetime. I got that speaker to drown them out.

I see the way his eyes scan me up and down. I’ve never felt so violated in my life. I feel dirty given the fact that I’ve just showered twice in the past hour. “Don’t you fucking touch me, you piece of shit!” I walk past him and grab the handle of the door to unlock it. He wraps his arms around my waist and jerks me against his body.

“Let me go!” I try to wriggle out of his grip but to no avail. I gather all my strength and turn around and punch his face. He falls on the ground and I run towards the door.

He grabs my foot and pulls me back. My anklet digs into my ankle and it breaks off as he pulls me, causing me immense pain. It makes me lose my balance and fall on the ground.

“Juju!!!!” I shout at the top of my voice. “Justine!!!” I yell again. “Justine!!! Hel–” Jake pulls me by my feet and picks up the towel I’d used before and pressed it against my mouth. Tears flood my ears as I try to escape his grip. His knees hold my hands underneath him, immobilising me completely.

His nostrils flare in anger and his chest heaves with impatience. “I have held myself back way too long! I wanted to be the first one to fuck you, but you just had to be a whore. And then fucking Williams!” He clicks his tongue and shakes his head side to side slowly. In a villainous way. “Bad move, Riya.” he lowers himself on me and drags his tongue across my neck and I have never felt more repulsed in my life. It feels like someone is hammering nails in my body wherever his tongue touches.

“Let me go!” My screams are muffled by the towel. He grabs my hands from under his knees and holds them above my head and locks my feet underneath his. “Please!” I beg Jake this time.

He chuckles hoarsely. His eyes narrow on my body as they scan me. “Well..if you are begging…I shall give you what you want, darling.” His smile is ugly and vile. I freeze when he loosens his towel and I feel his cock against me. I wriggle. I wriggle hard, but his grip is too strong and he has completely immobilised me. I try my best to free myself from his clutch.

Screaming, shouting. Yelling. “Shhh…You are just making this more fun for me, darling.” I am wearing nothing underneath the bathrobe. One tug and the bathrobe slides off my body along with my shame. I lie there naked, defeated, lost. Jake’s eyes light up with lust at the sight of my body. I try to turn around to cover myself up. I try to hold the bathrobe between my legs, but he pulls it off as well.

His gaze travels up and down my body like I’m his prey and he’s waiting to hunt me. “Let me clean Williams off of you.” he forces and glides his tongue over my body. I have never found human touch so repulsive in my life. I keep screaming and yelling and wriggling and kicking, but nothing is working in my favour. I cannot just stay there and let him rape me.

Then it strikes me– Jake is raping me! My brain goes into panic mode. I start to move faster and with more force as I feel his hand reach between my legs.

I’d be wet if it was James who was touching me, because I know for a fact that James would never ever force himself, not just on me, but on anyone. But it is Jake’s hands on my body, and his fingers inside me. I feel bile in my throat and pain between my legs. It is more painful than the first time I had sex, as he moves his fingers violently.

“Oh! You are so fucking tight!” Jake groans in my ear and sweat beads my forehead and tears burn my eyes, fear coats my heart and shame consumes my brain.

I cry this time and force my eyes shut. Maybe I won’t feel this. Maybe this is just a nightmare. Maybe if I close my eyes tightly and think of something else, it will get rid of this vile feeling. But his hands on my stomach still linger there. I still feel them. This is not a nightmare. This is happening. “Now I know why Williams wanted to fuck you so many times…Oh! How my cock would love your pretty little cunt! It’s so much better than Justine’s.” His words feel foul and repugnant.

I keep pleading him to let me go. I keep crying, but he doesn’t budge. Seeing me fall apart only feeds his animalistic behaviour.

He holds himself at my entrance and just as he is about to insert himself inside me, we hear a knock on the door. I open my eyes and wriggle faster and harder and scream louder. “Juju!!!” The towel still muffles most of my screams. He presses the towel harder against my mouth. “Juju, help!” I keep screaming.

I hear the door unlock, Juju must’ve used the key to unlock the door. She is very claustrophobic and has a phobia of being accidentally locked inside her room so she hides her bedroom door key outside the door in the pot next to it. How very creative! I was reminded about the key everyday for a year, but never had to use it once. Crazy how she had to be the one to use it.

Everything after that happens in a matter of two seconds, just as Juju opens the door Jake flips me over. He does it so fast that I lose balance and my hands land on his chest as Justine walks in. The towel from my mouth falls on his mouth. I look up and Juju looks at us with shock. Tears stream down my cheeks and I get up and run towards her. I quickly tie my robe and hug her.

“Juju!!!” I sob.

Jake gets up and quickly wraps his towel around him. “Justine…”

“What the fuck was going on over here…” Justine whispers loudly. Switching her gaze between me and Jake. Then our attires. Jake’s expression changes so fast that I am scared. Not even a minute ago he was grinning evilly and now his expression matches mine.

“Juju…he…he…” I cannot bring myself to comprehend what had just happened, let alone form sentences. “He…Tried to…” I sob again. I cannot form sentences. I cannot believe what was happening to me.

“Will someone fucking tell me what the fuck was going on here?” Justine screams and I flinch. I had already gone into panic mode.

I started replaying everything that had just happened and I get stuck on one part over and over again.

I face Justine. “You told him?” I ask Juju. My voice is barely audible, but she hears it.

I see her nostrils flare. “You don’t get to ask questions here. You tell me Ri. What were you doing sitting on top of Jake, naked!” Her tone is harsh and accusatory.

She broke her promise again. She’d promised me that she wouldn’t tell Jake anything about me and James again. “Did you tell him about me and James ?”