Page 8 of His Atonement

I honestly don't know which is worse.

Having one’s body give way, destroying itself from the inside out while your mind remains intact until the end, your clarity only disappearing under the influence of the many drugs to make you comfortable, or the other way around.

I'm not sure if it would be worse to have your mind slip, change, alter before your body totally gave up, still be able to use it to complete your infuriating rituals and act out on the intense mood swings or crippling depression and anxiety.

Honestly, they both fucking suck and I'm not sure which I hope happens to me, or how quickly I hope it happens.

Happens.

Happens.

Happens.

I push off the wall and head toward the kitchen, my nails biting into my skin so hard they'll probably draw blood.

My feet land on every other floorboard, never next to each other, and I make sure to avoid the cracks so I don't have to start over.

I can't afford to start over.

There is nostarting overor starting again, there is no starting period.

Just a painful and lonely race to the finish.

Finish.

Finish.

Finish.

My nails scratch along my thighs as I round the corner and walk into the kitchen, the sight of my abandoned coffee and toast, and the letter on the counter practically mocking me.

I approach with caution, my steps slow and calculated, every other tile without my bare feet touching a crack until I'm once again staring down at the paper that sealed my fate.

My eyes scan the words but barely see them through the way they blur.

Sorry to inform you...

Progression is clear...

Results confirm...

Symptoms will worsen...

More tests needed...

Treatment to make you comfortable...

Time to get your affairs in order...

Schedule follow-up immediately...

With trembling fingers, I pick up my death sentence and begin methodically tearing it into one inch squares, stacking the pieces neatly so their edges line up.

I should have known today was going to be epically terrible.

Should have known since Granny slept through the night, sinceIslept through the night.

I felt good when I got up, felt rested, and loose, tension free.