Page 57 of His Atonement

Fuckity, fuck, fuck.

Now I have to give her a bullshit reason because I can't give her the real one, but I don't want Allie to think I'm shutting her out either. I'm just protecting her from something that will hurt her.

So I blurt the first stupid thing to pop into my head.

"It's Zan."

"What?" Her eyes go wide. "What do you mean,it's Zan?"

Well, fuck me running, man. I just made this hella awkward. At least it's not totally untrue and maybe it'll help a little to talk about it. Allie knows him better than I do, maybe she can shed some light on things.

"I… " God this sounds so stupid. "I like Zan." I actually think I more than like him, might have stupidly fallen in love with him, but that sounds even dumber than saying I like him like some idiot teenager. And if I tell Allie that, then this conversation will get a lot weirder and more difficult than it's already going to be. I suck a lot today.

Allie's jaw drops but she quickly recovers and turns to face me completely. "I thought you guys hated each other?"

I shrug. "We do. I think, anyway. That's the problem, I've had these crazy mixed up feelings about him and—"

"You have feelings for Zan? Cora's brother? The asshole that bought you Nic Cage linens and covered your house in dildos?"

Yeah, I told her about that. I kinda had to though, because Allie showed up while I was taking down all fifty-three of them.

"Yeah."

"Zan, who isn't actually nice to anyone but Cora? Who scowls more than Andrej? Who has been torturing you since you moved up here? That Zan?"

"Yes. Jesus, how many Zan's do you know?"

Allie starts giggling so hard she snorts. "Oh my gosh, I don't know how I didn't see it before. You're like two kids on the playground chasing each other. He pulls your hair and you put dirt in his PB and J ‘cause you secretly like each other."

I frown. "You sound like an idiot."

"It's true though! You guys are total jerks to each other all the fucking time, but your sexual tension is off the charts. Shit, I have no clue how I missed it."

"Yeah, well, thanks for not making me feel stupid about it,” I deadpan.

Allie laughs harder. "Well, how do you know you like him? I mean, Zan is hot as fuck, a different hot from the rest of the boys and definitely not as hot as Andrej, but he is a total babe. I just don't get how you can have feelings for him."

I chew my lip and look out the window. "When you were gone… we spent a lot of time together."

"You did not fuck that demon seed and not tell me about it, did you?"

“No." I shake my head. ”But we hung out a lot, he helped me with some of my bucket list stuff. I just, I dunno but I like him and I thought he liked me—"

"Oh, he likes you. Zan likes you a lot."

"Then why haven't I seen him in like four days?"

"No one has seen Zan in four days. All the single dudes around the compound do that from time to time.” Then Allie frowns. "Cora's actually kind of worried about him though."

Oh, that's just fucking great.

Now I can be heartbroken over Zan sneaking out after that epic kiss, depressed as fuck over that and my downward spiral, and now I can slip into a permanent panic attack over the fact that he's apparently disappeared.

Awesome.

"What does she think is going on?"

She shrugs. "I'm not sure, but he's locked himself in his room and won't come out. He won't even give Cora visual confirmation he's ok aside from pictures he sends from his phone. And she'd probably question that if he wasn't at least eating the meals she leaves for him."