Page 46 of His Atonement

Huge. Fucking. Mistake.

I couldn't even steady the bow enough to get a fucking arrow in it and every time I tried I got even angrier with myself, but that only made my symptoms flare to the point of maddening.

My tremors were so out of control that I resorted to eating a few gummies that just came in—pot gummies that you're only supposed to eat half of one—and not only did they get me higher than a goddamn kite, they had the reverse fucking affect and my coordination was totally shot, so much so that I wound up with a touch of vertigo and fell onto the grass.

And because I was so fucking high, I fell asleep.

Yep.

My stupid ass passed the fuck out on the archery range for forty-five minutes before I woke up to full body rigidity, so I just cried until it let up and I could get to my feet.

If that shit had happened while everyone was home, there is no doubt in my mind my secret would have been discovered and Allie would have freaked the fuck out over it, then probably made me go to every specialist in Oregon. But thankfully it's only Hank and Janet, who are currently in town shopping, Karel who is no doubt wandering around in the woods because that's what he always does and fucking Zan who hasn't surfaced once today.

Good.

Fucking great.

Perfect even.

Today is already shitty enough, I don't need him ruining another bucket list item for me. Apparently, I can do that all by myself.

And I definitely don't need him acting all concerned about me then pretending like he wanted to kiss me.

God, I really thought he was gonna kiss me.

Kiss me.

Kiss me.

Kiss me.

I know he felt the bolt of lightning that raced through my entire body when he grabbed my face, I fucking know he did. I could see it in his eyes, the way his pupils dilated and almost turned a silver color, which was weird and oddly sexy.

Zan's eyes are amazing though, the way the red and gold swirls inside that amethyst color, darkens as it mixes closer to his pupil. I probably imagined the silver, I'm sure it was just the way the moon reflected in them, but I know they widened the second he touched me.

And his concern was genuine.

A little crazy when it came to my clothes and being out alone just after dark, but it was sincere, even more so when he saw the bump on my head.

Then my eyes had to do their thing and that seemed to distract him from the possibility of kissing me.

And despite the way he pisses me off, I really wanted him to kiss me, but when he didn't, well, I wasn't expecting to feel so crushed over it.

It was like a slap in the face, the sharp sting of a deep seated rejection.

Not just the kiss that never happened, but like Zan himself was rejecting me.

Something that hurt so bad I almost cried and that would have been so fucking embarrassing.

Now that I'm thinking about it though, I should have taken it as a sign because I only get emotional like that, like this, when my symptoms get really bad and affect my overall mood.

Why the hell else would I feel rejected and almost cry over a man I want to punch in the throat most of the time?

Whatever.

It's good that Zan didn't kiss me and it's even better that I haven't seen his stupidly hot face at all today.

Hot.