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twenty-five

Penelope

T onight has been much better than I could’ve anticipated. Miles’s family have welcomed us with open arms, and I promised Gran I would come by this week to pick up something she wants to make for Kai.

Being here tonight was both wonderful and a little heartbreaking.

I don’t have this.

I never did. My parents didn’t live anywhere near our grandparents, so we never saw them, and they didn’t speak to me. Miles’s family loves him so much. They’re close and warm, and it was beautiful to be a part of.

During dinner we laughed and they told old stories. Then we had the best chocolate cake I’ve ever had in my life. Gran was a baker and used to own the bakery in town. She definitely still has all the skills.

Now Miles and I are out walking down toward the falls, my hand laced in his, and I rest my cheek against his arm.

“I feel like we’ve been walking more than five minutes,” I say as we wander along the tree line.

“I may be taking you the long way.”

I smile. “I don’t mind. I like having quiet time with you.”

It’s the best. We don’t need to fill the silence, we just are together. I never knew there could be so much peace with another person, but with Miles, it’s effortless.

“Good. Do you remember what I told you about the falls?” he asks.

“Yes, that Gran owns half, which doesn’t make any sense.”

Seriously, how do you split a waterfall?

Miles chuckles. “The land splits right down the middle of the river. So the right half is Lachlan’s and the left is Gran’s. Of course, they’re not putting ropes in the middle, but it was divided to protect the falls from ever being one person’s.”

“I think that’s kind of cool. The ancestors of this town really thought about it.”

“They did. They wanted everyone in the town to have a chance to heal themselves.” He kisses my temple and veers us to the right. “When the land was divided, it went to two families who hated each other.”

I glance up at him, surprised anyone would do that. “Really?”

“I always thought this was such a cool part of the story, and it always gets left out. This land has been in my family’s name since the beginning. Gran’s great-great-great-grandfather was the hated one.”

“What?” I ask, jaw falling slack. “Why did you leave this part out?”

He chuckles. “Honestly, most of the time I just forget. Anyway, the Andersons and the MacLeroys hated each other. It was ugly. I think they stole cows and one slept with the wife of the other. I don’t know, it was very messy and caused huge issues. So the town came together because they’d often suffer during their fights.”

I’m honestly fascinated by all of this. “You make it sound so serious.”

“Well, it was. I mean, old man MacLeroy could’ve taken my great-great-great-grandma, and then ... I wouldn’t be here.”

I laugh softly. “That would be tragic.”

“See, I knew you’d understand.”

I shake my head. “Go on.”

“Okay, so, the rival farmers hated each other, and there was drama so the mayor, or whatever he would’ve been of the town, stepped in. He decided that the only way to make the families stop feuding was to re-divide the land ownership. He made some bullshit decree, and they moved the river to be the buffer, but their beloved falls, well, they still needed those.”

“Right, we need to magically heal the sick,” I say in agreement.

“Exactly. The only way to do that was to divide the river itself in half. The Andersons and the MacLeroys were very powerful. They had a lot of cows.”

I snort. “The testament of wealth, no doubt.”

“Anyway, they split the land, and the demand the town made was either the people of Ember Falls were permitted unfettered access to the magical falls or the land would be seized from them both. If there were any more issues, they’d redefine the property lines again, and the falls would be off-limits. Since my family were definitely the most reasonable, we agreed immediately. After that, the MacLeroys left town, and we’ve stayed.”

We reach the falls, and I stare at the beauty of it all. “I’m glad you stayed.”

He turns me to look at him. “I’m glad you came.”

I lift up on my toes, kissing him softly with the sounds of the rushing water behind us, and thank every star in the sky that I found my way here too.

My sister-in-law was right: Orgasmville is a lovely little town.

“Am I sneaking out your window again?” Miles asks as he curls his body around mine.

I turn, rolling to face him while he has his elbow propped up, watching me. “I was thinking ...”

“About me, I hope.”

I smile. “Yes, it’s about you.”

“Can I guess it?”

“If you must.”

His grin causes my stomach to flutter. “I was thinking that you might be thinking that we should start sleeping together every night, and I don’t have to leave before Kai wakes.”

He’s not that far off.

“You’re close.”

“I knew it.”

I lean closer and kiss his lips. Miles makes me feel like a teenager experiencing her first crush. From the rush of nerves to the butterflies in my belly when I see him. Each time I think it’ll lessen, but it hasn’t.

“Do you want to know what I was actually thinking?” I ask.

“Of course I do. I want to know everything.”

I know he does. He’s been so patient, and I’ve appreciated it more than he can know.

“Okay, so I had two thoughts. First is that I think we should maybe go visit my brother. I know you have football games every weekend and you’re busy, but I think you’d like Ashton and I’d love to visit.”

“I’m never too busy to spend time with you, Penny. I’ll always make the time. We can go any weekend you want.”

The butterflies take flight again. “Ugh.” I groan and flop on my back.

“That upsets you?”

I turn my gaze to meet his as he looks amused. “Yes, because you’re so perfect. You’re not supposed to be perfect. I keep waiting for this fatal flaw to emerge so I can convince myself that ...”

That I’m not falling in love with you.

“That what?” he asks, his fingertip brushing across my lips. “Tell me what you’re trying to convince yourself and I promise I’ll find you a flaw.”

I take his fingers in mine, intertwining them and staring at our hands. I may not be able to give him all he wants about my life, but this isn’t the past.

This is the now and ... if I have to walk away tomorrow, I would want him to know what he truly means to me.

Miles’s warm green eyes glimmer in the soft light of the bedside lamp.

“That I think I’m falling in love with you.”

He shifts his body closer and slowly leans down to kiss me. Each kiss feels different. It’s as though he tells me something more and more every time. In this one, I feel his love. The tenderness pours from him and I drink it in.

He deepens the kiss, pulling his hand from mine and bringing it to my face, moving me to be closer to him. My hand goes around his back, leaving no gap between us.

He gentles the kiss and then pulls back. “I think I’ve already fallen in love with you.”

Instead of feeling absolute joy, my heart is swarmed with pain and anger.

He can’t love me.

He can’t love a person he doesn’t even know.

God, I didn’t think it would feel like this. I had no idea that love could hurt because it might not last.

I let the tears come. They wouldn’t stop even if I wanted them to.

I let all the sadness that I’ve been feeling for years come to the top, because I know Miles won’t let me drown. Every emotion of fear, shame, despair, and hate bubbles up, making every part of my body ache.

I’ve struggled so much, I’ve been so fucking alone.

I’ve tried to keep it together, only crying in the shower, where no one could see or hear. To make the best of the situation because Kai deserved a better life than what I could give him.

All I’ve wanted was better for him and me.

Now I have it. I have it with Miles and he said he loves me. Why? Why can’t I dream for more?

Because I made bad choices, that’s why.

Miles pulls me against his strong chest, holding me together as I fall apart.

“Penny, sweetheart, please don’t cry.”

I wish I had any control, but he shattered me with his confession.

He doesn’t let go and murmurs words of encouragement as my body is racked with sobs.

I cry for the life I lost.

I cry for the fear I’ve been living in.

I cry for the man I don’t deserve who loves me.

I cry for the loss I know I’ll have to suffer.

Losing Miles will be a pain like I’ve never known. I won’t heal from it because it’ll be so deep in my soul.

Finally, the sobs start to subside and I gain control. He lessens his hold and stares down at me.

“I’m sorry,” I say, sniffling. “I know that’s definitely not the reaction you were looking for.”

The concern in his eyes almost breaks me again. “I’m more worried about you.”

I owe him an explanation. Yet, it’s more than owing it to him. It’s that I want to tell him. I want to give him a part of me and hope that he’ll understand.

“I’ve spent the last six years avoiding allowing anyone in,” I tell him, staring at the vein in his neck.

He tenses. “Do you feel comfortable telling me why?”

“Only part of it.”

Miles nudges my head up to look at him. “You can trust me, Penelope.”

“I know, but I can’t tell you everything. I wasn’t exaggerating when I said it’s best you don’t know. It would’ve been honestly better if you never came around me. You wore me down,” I admit as a tear trickles over my cheek. “You broke down every defense I had, and now I don’t know how to get it back.”

“I’ll be your defense.”

How absolutely perfect is this man. He has no idea what he’d be defending me from, yet he gives it so willingly.

“You can’t defend me from the past, Miles.”

“Did you do something? Are you running because of it?”

“Who said I’m running?” I ask, fearful of how close to the surface he is.

“I’m not saying this to scare you, but I’m trained to read and find secrets, Penelope. I know you’re running from something. I’m pretty sure your brother doesn’t work for a start-up, and he’s helping to keep you hidden. I haven’t asked about it because I don’t want to push you. I’ve waited for you to open up because no one just randomly moves to Ember Falls. So what is it that has you hiding?”

I let someone’s money and influence destroy my life because I thought he loved me. Edward’s words were pretty, but his actions were those of a monster. I remember thinking how wrong he was, how cruel he could be, and explaining it away because he’d buy me something pretty and say how sorry he was after.

If I accepted his faults, surely it meant he’d accept mine.

But his weren’t just fissures, they were fucking fractures.

Miles waits patiently, and I work to find my courage. My eyes meet his beautiful emerald ones, and I say all that I can. “I fell in love, or what I thought was love, with a very wealthy and powerful man. We’ll call him John. John is Kai’s father. John was the kind of man who wanted more—always. He wanted more money, more control, more of anything he could. I’m sure I wasn’t the only woman he dated at the time, either, but I don’t know for sure. He was brutal and savage and absolutely fucking awful.”

“Did he hurt you?” His voice is full of restrained anger.

I close my eyes, remembering the pain of the back of his hand, and nod. “Yes, but it was always ... calculating. Mostly he used other ways than brute force to scare me when I tried to leave. He broke into my apartment when I didn’t sleep at his place and slashed my couches after I tried to leave him the first time. He would threaten me, more than anything, and I never knew if it was going to happen.”

It was the fear that was the worst. That may sound impossible to someone else, but I could handle a backhand; the stalking and mind games were worse to me.

Miles draws slow circles on my back, telling me it’s safe for me to go on.

“I found out I was pregnant. In that moment, when I saw that test with a plus sign, I knew I had to leave. There was never a doubt in my mind that he would either kill me or use the baby as a way to manipulate me.”

There had never been a more clear moment in my life. I refused to bring a child into this world with Edward VanderGroef. Even if it meant spending the rest of my life on the run.

“Does he know about Kai?”

I shake my head. “No.”

“But he’s searching for you?”

“No. ”

His eyes narrow, and I can see the confusion on his face. “Penny, I’m not sure I understand.”

“I know, and I’m sorry, but if I tell you more, if I give you this secret, your life will be in danger. I can’t do that to you. I can’t risk that you’ll be dragged into this. The reason I didn’t want to love you, damn it, is because I might have to leave. No, I will . They’ll find me. They always do.”

“Who will find you? If John, as you call him, doesn’t know about Kai, why would he be hunting you?”

I look down, my heart aching from this conversation. Once again, the tears come, because the agony of this situation is eating me alive.

I love him.

God, I hate him for making me love him, but how could I not?

My hand balls into a fist and I rest it on his chest, wanting to push him away, but then needing him close.

“I can’t tell you more.”

He moves his hands to cup my face. “I will not let anyone hurt you. Telling me, giving me that risk, that’s mine to take.”

I shake my head. “It’s mine to give and I won’t.”

The men that killed Edward know me. They saw me that night. They know what I saw, what I took from his office, thinking it would protect me, but it didn’t. It made me their top target.

Even if I gave it back to them, they’d kill me. I know too much—names, places, certain players that are involved, all of it in that stupid book Edward kept in his top drawer. There is a missing link, though, the person who is at the top of it. Edward was smart enough to leave that out. That person will never stop.

“What will you tell me?”

“That I wish this could be different. That while I’m here, I’m yours, but I need you to promise when I have to go, that you won’t follow. You won’t look for me. You will let me and Kai go and know that leaving you is going to be the hardest thing I ever do.”

“So one day you’re just going to pack up your things and leave? You won’t even give me a chance to protect you?”

I nod. “Yes. One day you’ll come here because I won’t be at work or Kai won’t be at school, and it’ll be like I never existed. ”

I won’t lie to him about that. He deserves whatever truth I can share.

Miles sits up in the bed, shifting his legs over the side, and rakes his hands through his hair. “You have no intention of giving me a chance?” he asks, looking out the window.

My jaw trembles and I wrap my arms around my middle. “I’m giving you the truth. If I don’t go, when I’m told I need to go, Kai or I could be taken, killed, beaten, or have to watch them torture the people I love. I’ve seen what they do.”

He turns quickly. “So, what? I love you now? I come here one day to an empty house, and I just go on with my life as though I never loved you?” He shifts, taking my face in his hands. “Like I don’t know what it felt like to hold you? To kiss you? To have you in my arms? Do you really think I can do that, Penelope?”

My heart breaks all over again. “I don’t know.”

“Well, I do. I can’t do it. I will search for you, Penelope. If you leave, I’ll be right behind you, because I’m not going to give you up without a fight. If someone is hunting you, then it’s time I hunt them.” He kisses me softly, and the pressure in my rib cage increases.

Miles pulls back and I gasp. He releases me and gets out of the bed, pulling his clothes on. “Where are you going?” I ask with fear that this is it. I would’ve prepared myself better if this was the end. I scramble out of the bed, pulling the sheet with me. “Miles? Are you leaving me?”

He has his pants on and grabs his shirt from the end of the bed. Once it’s on, he steps closer. “I’m going to do what I need to do in order to protect you, because I’m not losing you.”

And then he walks out and I rush to grab my burner phone out of the top drawer.

“Penelope?” Quinn answers on the second ring.

“I need you.”