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eighteen

Penelope

“ I have nothing to wear!” I complain to Hazel as she’s sitting on my bed.

I didn’t plan to tell her about the date, but Eloise couldn’t watch Kai. Hazel was my next choice and she could tell I was being weird and jumpy, so I finally caved and she offered to watch him.

“I honestly think what you had on was great.”

I glance at the jeans and lacy top that’s on the bed and groan. “It was giving ‘trying too hard.’”

Hazel chuckles. “Shirts can do that.” She gets up and grabs the blue off-the-shoulder top. “What about this and the jeans? That way the top is a little sexy, but jeans are super casual.”

Do I want to be sexy? No, because we’re going to have this one date, and then I need to figure out my life. I know my brother thinks I should live, and I want to, but my heart doesn’t have the ability to keep a part held back.

If I let myself date him, I’ll fall.

I’ve already fallen way farther than I ever intended to.

The way he looks at me, kisses me, makes my heart flutter—it’s a problem.

And here I am now, trying to find the perfect first-date outfit.

“Maybe I’ll wear sweats and a stained shirt,” I say, feeling like an idiot.

Her brows raise. “Considering he has feelings for you after seeing you at work with coffee grinds all over and during the storm, I think your plan is flawed.”

I laugh. “Great.”

“Penny, he doesn’t care about any of this. He cares about you and wants to give you a fun date.”

“I care.”

She lifts one shoulder. “Okay, what did the text say?”

I grab my phone and read it again.

Miles

I’ll pick you up at six. We’re going to dinner and something after. Very casual and wear sneakers.

She purses her lips. “Okay, jeans for sure, and I think the crochet top or the off-the-shoulder will fit both.”

Kai comes running in my room. “Where are you going, Mom?”

“I’m going with Coach Miles for a little while. Hazel is going to hang here with you.”

“Can I come?” he asks, nearly bouncing up and down.

“No, buddy, it’ll just be me this time.”

He looks crestfallen. “But I want to go with Coach Miles.”

I smile and press my hand to his cheek. “Maybe another time.”

Hazel jumps in. “Hey! I’m a hoot. We’re going to have way more fun than they will.”

Kai doesn’t look like he buys it, but he smiles anyway. “If you say so.”

I burst out laughing, and so does Hazel. I spend the next twenty minutes getting ready. I curl the bottom of my hair, letting it fall in ribbons down my back, and go for a subtle smoky eye, not that it really looks like a smoky eye, because I’m terrible at makeup, but I try.

I decide to go with the crochet top because it’s cute, but also casual. I come out, and Hazel makes a long whistle. “And you are trying to downplay this? Girl, you look hot!”

“Ugh, I can’t go. ”

But before I can turn to go anywhere, there’s a knock at the door. “Do you want to tell him or do you want me to?” she asks.

“Yeah, right, you’ll just tell him where I am.”

She shrugs.

Putting aside my fear, I open the door. Miles is there, this time with a beautiful bouquet of peonies, which happen to be my favorite.

“These are stunning.”

He smiles. “Better than the shovel?”

I laugh softly. “Well, prettier at least.”

Kai runs over, giving him a big hug, and Miles ruffles his hair. “Hey, little man.”

“Can I come out too, Coach?”

I sigh heavily. “Kai, I already said no. Maybe another time, though.”

Hazel comes over. “You guys go. I’ve got Kai, and we’re going to have our own fun tonight.”

My heart is racing at the idea of tonight. Not just because it’s been, like, a million years since I’ve gone on a date, but also because I’m leaving Kai. I keep hearing Quinn in my head, telling me we’re safe and that I should live my life, but my life never feels safe.

It’s hard to explain to anyone not living it, but my life feels as though I’m walking on a balance beam, and at any point my footing will falter and I’ll fall.

I squat down so I’m eye to eye with Kai. “Be good for Hazel and remember the rules, okay?”

He nods. “I won’t break them, Mom.”

I kiss his nose. “Have fun and I’ll see you soon.”

“Now go, you two crazy kids. Have a good time and don’t do anything I wouldn’t do,” Hazel says, shooing us both out.

I grab my purse and Miles places his hand on the small of my back, leading me to the car. He opens the door, and I smile at the gesture. “Thank you.”

He winks and then shuts the door.

My nerves continue to grow, but I promised myself I’d get through tonight and do my best not to be a basket case .

I’ve left Kai a few times since living here, and everything has been okay. It will be fine this time too.

“Ready for our date?” Miles asks.

I nod once. “I am.”

“Good.”

“Where are we going?” I ask.

Miles backs the truck out of the drive and grins. “Dinner, and then after we will be doing something fun. I promise.”

“Oh boy. The fact that you had to promise tells me that it might not be fun.”

“Or it’s telling you that it’s going to be the most fun you’ve ever had because I’m a pretty fun guy.”

I smile. “You are, huh?”

“I am. There’s a poll that went around town, and I was definitely the winner.”

“Well, if there’s an official poll, how can that be disputed?” I tease.

“Exactly.”

As we drive, my nerves settle a little. The more I’m around Miles, the safer I feel. However, even as we’re driving, he’s hyperaware, almost as though he’s assessing the risks and possible danger at every corner.

We chat about our days and how he’s a little sad that tomorrow is the last hockey practice.

“I’ve loved working with the kids,” he admits. “I’m around miniature adults all day that act like kids, but when I’m at clinic with the boys, it’s just the fun. They’re funny and willing to learn. I can see why Doug likes to coach Ethan’s teams.”

“I have no athletic ability, so I just appreciate that there are parents and uncles who will step in,” I say, shifting to face him. “I’m glad that you were Kai’s coach.”

“I am too, Penelope. I am too.” The deep timbre in his voice leads me to think it’s not only because he likes Kai and the other boys.

I clear my throat. “Right. Well, I know Kai will be sad he won’t see you every week.”

“He won’t, huh?”

“Well, I mean, the clinic is over. ”

He grins. “That’s not where I plan to see him.”

Oh.

He means me.

Sometimes I am so awkward it’s beyond embarrassing.

“You’re anticipating this to go beyond this date?”

“I told you, I’m a catch. You’re not going to want our date to end.”

I chuckle and then clear my throat. “I see. You’re going with the lay-it-on-thick strategy?”

“It’s more like the honesty and confidence side of it.”

“Isn’t the motto usually underpromise and overdeliver?”

“I’m more of a promise what you can deliver on,” he says with a smirk.

Could this man be any more adorable? I sure hope not.

Miles finds a spot right in front of the restaurant that’s a town over. Ember Falls has some options, but none of the places in town are fine dining. It’s more pizza, and there’s a bar at the end of Main Street.

“I hope you like whatever they’re serving tonight,” he says with a laugh.

“What does that mean?”

“Their menu ... well, it’s the best we’re going to get unless we want to drive an hour. It changes each day, depending on what side of the bed Marge wakes up on. Some days she feels a bit French, other days she thinks Italian. We just never know until we show up.”

“That’s . . . one business model.”

Not really sure how that works, but then again, we’re not the only car here, so clearly the people in the area just go with it.

“It’s something. I should also warn you that Marge is my gran’s best friend. She is going to do everything in her power to embarrass me. Anything she says is a lie.”

“Anything?”

“Literally anything.”

I grin. “So if she says you’re a great guy ...”

“I retract my last statement. Anything bad she says is a lie. I didn’t do it. I was the perfect child growing up. I have many great attributes and zero bad. No matter what she says. ”

My lips form a tight line as I attempt to withhold my laughter. The look on his face is part fear and part joy. “I’ll do my best to keep the good and discard the bad.”

“Good. Stay there.”

Is this also a drive-through? I’m so confused.

Then Miles is at my door, opening it. “My lady.” He extends his hand.

Okay, he can be cuter. Damn it.

I place my hand in his, allowing him to help me out of the truck. However, he doesn’t let go once I’m safely on the ground, and he tucks my hand into the crook of his arm.

We walk inside, where a woman nearly screams when she sees him. She’s short with long gray hair and big-rimmed glasses, and she clearly loves Miles. She rushes around the hostess booth and slaps his chest.

“You little stinker! You didn’t tell me you were coming for dinner.”

“Marge, this is Penelope, my date. I didn’t tell you because I thought the surprise would be more fun.”

Her gaze goes to me, and she has one of those smiles that is so much like a parent. Her eyes are full of warmth, and it’s clear she’s happy Miles is on a date. “Hello, beautiful girl. It’s so nice to meet you. I’m Auntie Marge, and I’ve known Miles since the day they slapped him on the ass when he was born.”

“It’s great to meet you,” I say, stifling a laugh. I have a feeling I’m going to be doing that a lot tonight.

“I’ll tell you, he was a handful, but oh”—she clutches her chest—“the way he could melt your heart with that smile. He’s the best, but you know that, since you’re on a date with him, I suppose.”

“He’s definitely the best,” I agree.

“He does have bad qualities,” Marge says quickly. “I don’t want you to get the impression that he’s perfect. No man is. Trust me on that. They’re all a little dense and often stupid too.”

“Same meaning,” Miles cuts in.

“See what I mean, had to correct me. You know, they never learn either. I’ve been married to my husband, William, for sixty-one years. Sixty-one. It’s like ... purgatory without an end other than death. ”

Miles sighs. “Regrets. So many regrets.”

She elbows him in the stomach.

This time my laugh does escape. I seriously love this place, and I haven’t even stepped past the entrance.

“I bet you’ll have regrets when I’m done telling her all the things about you, Miles Anderson.”

“How about we don’t and you feed us whatever is on the menu? It’s our first date, and I’d like to make sure there’s the option of a second.”

Marge clutches her hands to her chest. “First date? And you brought her here? Oh, I’m just so honored. Come, let’s get you the best table.”

We follow her in and Miles leans close. “I warned you.”

“I love her,” I whisper back.

She sits us in the back corner. The restaurant is old, but clearly loved. It has a cabin-like feel with exposed logs and glass chandeliers that have one individual light. All the tables have white tablecloths and a single candle in the middle.

“Here, this is the lovers’ nook.”

“I’m sure it’s not,” Miles says with a sigh.

“It could be if you don’t mess it up.”

I snort and place my napkin on my lap.

Marge looks to me. “Would you like some wine?”

“I’d love some.”

“For you?” she asks Miles.

“Whatever you bring will be great. Not like I think you’d bring what I ask for anyway.”

She shrugs. “If you made the right choice, I’d bring it.”

“Okay, I’ll have a beer,” he says.

“Wine it is.”

Marge walks off, and Miles looks at me with a smile. “Sorry, I should’ve known better.”

“You have nothing to be sorry for, this is amazing and she’s amazing.”

He stares off in the direction she left. “She really was like a second mother to me. Marge would watch me and Eloise when Gran was working or just needed a break. She and Uncle Will mean the world to me. He’s who taught me how to skate, and he put a hockey stick in my hand for the first time when I was ten. Not having a mom or a dad was hard when I got older, but this community of people in our lives softened the blow.”

Hearing that makes me ache for him because it’s eerily similar to what Kai is experiencing.

“I think being a parent is the hardest job in the world, but add on when you’re doing it alone, it sometimes feels impossible.”

He reaches his hand out, resting it on top of mine. “You’re doing the impossible. Never doubt that. Kai is a great kid, and he’s so lucky to have you as his mother.”

The guilt that settles in my gut makes it hard to breathe. If he knew ...

If he was aware of the person I let into my life, who I loved, who I trusted, would he think Kai was lucky?

I think he’d see me as a fool.

Marge appears back at the table and places our wine down, causing us to break apart. “Have you looked at the menu?” she asks.

“Not yet,” I admit with a smile.

She takes it from us both. “Don’t. I’ll make something just fabulous and unique that will be an aphrodisiac. Maybe oysters! Those are supposed to do the trick. Oh! And definitely chocolate with pomegranate for dessert. Yes, we’ll just load you two up on them.”

Miles covers his face with his hands. “I should’ve taken you for fast food.”

Marge humphs. “Please, I’m just helping here. Lord knows you need all the help you can get.” She turns to me. “He’s how old and never married? His sister is married, two kids, and this one over here can’t get it together.” Seeming to realize what she said, her eyes widen. “Not that it’s a bad thing. I’m sure he’s just looking for the perfect woman, you know.” She winks.

Oh my God, she’s the best.

“I’m sure he’ll find her.”

She pulls her head back. “Honey, what if you’re her?”

Miles clears his throat. “First date. First date, Aunt Marge. Let’s cool it. We don’t need oysters, which I don’t even think you’ve ever made. ”

Her back straightens, and she turns her head slowly to look at him. “I haven’t, but I’m a chef and I can make anything. However, by the time your uncle gets his shoes on and finds oysters, it’ll be tomorrow, so ... I’ll cook you both our special for the night.” Her eyes find mine. “Are you allergic to anything, sweetheart?”

I shake my head. “No, ma’am.”

“Good.”

And then she’s off again.

I glance down at my phone once more, making sure I don’t have any missed calls or texts—so far nothing.

“Everything okay?” Miles asks.

“Huh?”

“You keep checking your phone.”

“Oh, just making sure Kai hasn’t called.”

He smiles warmly. “Do you want to check on him?”

I bite the corner of my lower lip. “Do you mind?”

“Of course not. Call him.”

Immediately my anxiety settles a little. I get up and head to the front, dialing the phone that Quinn gave him.

“Hi, Mom!”

“Hey, buddy. Everything going okay?”

“Yup! Hazel and I are watching a movie, and then she’s going to take me for ice cream.”

I release a heavy sigh. “That sounds great. I’m glad you’re having fun.”

“Are you having a good time?” he asks.

“I am. Miles and I are having dinner, and then we’re going somewhere after.”

“Cool. Tell him I said hi!”

“I will. Be good. I love you.”

“Love you too, Mom!”

He hangs up before I can say anything, and I feel a little foolish for needing to make that call, but also better for having done it.

I head back to the table. “Everything good?” Miles asks.

“It’s great. He’s having a good time.”

“Good. Are you as well?”

I lift one shoulder. “I could be. ”

“Could be?”

“I mean, I have to ask Marge ...”

He smiles. “She’d tell you that you’re having a great time, because I’m her favorite person.”

“Really? It kind of seems like she’d tell me that you’re not all that special.”

“That’s her way of using reverse psychology.”

I nod slowly. “I see. It’s working then.”

“I knew you’d finally realize it.”

The first course comes out, and it’s a simple salad with some bread and butter. “Here. This is my special salad. I grow the lettuce myself. I had William make one of those hydro gardens, and I only serve this to the customers I really like. That’s you, sweetie.” She places it in front of me. “I gave you the bagged stuff from the supermarket,” she says as she gives the plate to Miles.

The two of us laugh, and she winks before heading back.

“I swear, I regret all of my choices,” Miles says as he grabs his fork.

“Did you find a teacher yet?” I ask as I pick up some of the special lettuce.

“I have not.”

I hate that this has been so stressful for him. “Are all the candidates just ... bad?”

“No, we had one that wasn’t awful, but that’s not the kind of staff I look for, you know? I want someone who is going to thrive at their job and care about the students and their education. There’s a big difference between teachers who love to teach and feel like it’s their calling and those who have no other options. Part of my job is not only to find those teachers, but foster an environment where teachers can thrive.”

“How do you do that?”

“Fuck if I know,” he jokes.

“No, I’m serious.”

Miles finishes chewing and then puts his fork down. “Well, I hold biweekly meetings with my heads of each department. We discuss what they’re seeing, issues, and possible improvements. Then, the other two weeks, I meet with the teachers without the heads of the departments. I feel like I get the most out of those meetings.”

“Why?” I ask.

“Because they’re honest. Brutally honest. I get a very full picture after those meetings, and it’s not any sugarcoating. I’ve made big changes because of some of the things I’ve been told during some of them. I’m also every teacher’s advocate when it’s required. I’ll take the heat from parents.”

“So you want the right person in the position.” It’s not a question, it’s a statement. I imagine how many people would want to work for him just because he’s a great boss.

He nods. “There are good administrators and then there are leaders. My goal is to be good at both. I need to lead while doing my job too. It’s why having good people around me is essential. Plus, the kids deserve a good teacher.”

What I wouldn’t have given to have had someone like him as my teacher. To care so much feels like such a gift.

“You know, you’re a good man.”

“I try to be.”

“Well, I see you as that. You came to my aid without a moment’s pause, and you stepped in to coach the hockey clinic?—”

“I was coerced. Let’s not get that confused.”

“Okay, you still did it. Then you gave me a tree and a shovel, not something a lot of men would do.”

He laughs. “No, probably not, but I was going for memorable. Did it work?”

“Very much. I mean, we are on a date.”

“We’ve been dating for weeks, Penny.”

I roll my eyes at that. “We have not.”

“Listen, we’ve done a lot in our short relationship, and then in two days, you’re coming to my Ultimate Frisbee tournament. It’s starting to get serious,” Miles says with a big grin.

“I didn’t know I was doing that.”

“You agreed.”

“I did?”

Miles nods. “Yup, you said, Miles, I would love to come to that tournament and cheer you on. ”

“Boy, I was really excited about it,” I say, teasing him.

I actually really do want to go. Ainsley came in yesterday and couldn’t stop talking about how interesting their full-day tournaments are. She asked me to come with her if I had off, but ... I’m not going to tell him that.

This is much more fun.

“You were. It’s because you’re crazy about me, I know.”

I laugh, shaking my head. “I guess I’ll be there.”

My phone buzzes in my lap, and I grab for it so fast I almost knock over the water. “I’m sorry, I just ...”

It’s a text from Ashton.

Ashton

How’s the date going?

I’m on it. You just scared me with this text and I almost spilled water on myself.

Ashton

So, it’s going well. Have fun. Love you. Get naked with him!

I ignore that last one and look up at Miles. “I’m really sorry. I thought it might be Kai.”

“Don’t be sorry. It’s not easy being away from him, huh?”

That’s the understatement of the year. Little does he know just how much more complicated my story is.

“No, not really. I just worry over him all the time. While the kids you teach aren’t yours, they are when they’re with you.”

“They really are. If anything were to happen to them ... I’d be a mess.”

My leg starts to bounce as I fight the urge to check my phone. Talking about kids and things happening is causing my anxiety to spike.

“Penny?” Miles calls my attention.

“Hmm? ”

“Are you okay?”

I nod quickly. “Yeah, fine.”

His head tilts to the side. “Honestly?”

Not wanting to lie, I decide to give a little of the truth. “I just don’t like leaving Kai. It’s really stressful for me to not be able to get to him in a few minutes. I know it sounds ridiculous, but there are ... reasons ... and I want to be here with you. I’m having a great time, truly. I’m trying to keep myself from calling him again.”

He reaches his hand out, and I place mine in his. The warmth that comes from him is felt everywhere. “I’m not going to ask for your reasons. I just hope one day you’ll trust me with them.” Miles lifts his hand and Marge comes over. “Can you do me a favor?”

“Anything. What do you need?” she asks.

“Can you box our meals, whatever you’ve decided we are eating without asking?”

She looks to him, her jaw slack. “What?”

I echo her. “What? Why?”

He faces me. “Because I never want to be the reason you’re stressed or anxious. We can take this meal, go home, eat, and hang out on the couch, and that will be the perfect date. All I want is to spend time with you. We can even take Kai with us for the rest of the date.”

Yeah, I’m so going to fall in love with this man.