Page 47 of Heartstruck

Alli

The walls of my childhood bedroom feel smaller now, like they’ve been closing in with every year I’ve been gone. It’s strange being home, caught somewhere between who I used to be and the person I’m trying to become. Everything feels off, like I’m both here and not here at the same time.

I sit cross-legged on my bed, a puzzle spread out in front of me.

The pieces blur together, but I can’t focus enough to make them fit.

Serena’s words from a few days ago are still rattling around in my head: We went from you pouring your heart out about the breakup, admitting it wasn’t real, to you twisting my words into some kind of attack.

I let out a dry breath that breaks into a cough. I lay back, resting my head against the three pillows my mom left out for me. I’d thought coming home would be easier once the holidays were behind us, but it’s like the air between Serena and me hasn’t cleared.

On cue, a familiar knock hits the door. I glance up to find her standing in the doorway. She looks like she’s been rehearsing whatever she’s about to say, her shoulders stiff and her hands twisting nervously in front of her.

“Hi.”

“Hi,” Serena lifts up a light wave, “can I come in?”

“Uh, sure.”

She hesitates for a beat before crossing the room and sitting on the edge of the bed. “How were your exams?”

“They were good. I think I aced them.”

“That’s good.”

The silence that follows feels dense, like we’re both tiptoeing around the real reason she’s here. I pick up a puzzle piece, fiddling with the edges, and Serena watches me with a guarded expression.

She clears her throat. “I, um… I wanted to check on you. We haven’t really talked since our fight.”

I glance up, trying to read her expression, but she’s hard to read sometimes.

Her shoulders slump, and she looks down at her hands, fingers twisting together. “I know I said some things that hurt you. And I know I was out of line. I just… I wasn’t sure how to feel after everything. Let alone how to fix it after what I said.”

I sit up straighter. “Why didn’t you just say that in the first place?”

“Because I didn’t know how,” she admits, almost too quiet to catch, but enough to make me lean in. “I was angry, Alli. Not at you—well, maybe a little, but mostly at the situation. And instead of talking to you, I let it come out wrong. I’m sorry.”

I let out a breath, my shoulders sagging. “It felt unfair. You acted like I was intentionally keeping you out, but I was just trying to figure things out for myself. I thought if I told you, it’d be too much. I couldn’t handle your reaction on top of everything else.”

She looks at me for a long moment, then nods slowly, her expression softening. “I get it. And I’m sorry I made you feel like that. I should’ve been someone you could lean on, not someone who made it harder.”

“I didn’t want to disappoint you,” I admit, clearing my throat at it. “I just didn’t know how to explain what started as fake… isn’t anymore. And I didn’t want you to feel like I’d betrayed you somehow. I know it was hard on you when Jared and I first happened.”

Serena’s expression shifts as her eyes widen slightly.

She seems like she might say something, but then she presses her lips together.

After a beat, she exhales slowly and shakes her head.

“I don’t feel betrayed,” she says quietly.

“It just… caught me off guard. Seeing how close you two are now, I didn’t know what to think. But that’s on me, not you.”

I look up, meeting her gaze. “So… you don’t hate me?”

“Of course not,” she says firmly. “I was protective. Maybe a little jealous, because you’re my best friend, and he’s my brother. But I want you to be happy, Alli. If he makes you happy, then that’s all that matters.”

I smile at her, and she reaches for my hands, which I hold. She even messes the puzzle up a little, but I don’t mind.

The apology I’ve been avoiding sits heavy on my tongue.

“I should’ve listened to you more. I shut you out.

I twisted your words… made something they weren’t.

I’m sorry for that.” My voice cracks; the regret spills out like vomit.

“I’m sorry for lying to you. I was scared you’d judge me, but I should’ve known you never would.

I’m sorry for not being a better friend. ”

“We’re good, Alli. No need to apologize. We’re all learning. And you’re doing the best you can.” She smiles reassuringly.

Her words wash over me, easing the tightness in my chest. After all these days, I can finally breathe.

“Jared makes me happy,” I murmur. “It’s not perfect. We’re figuring it out, and it’s messy. I’m scared half the time that I’m going to screw it up.”

“Messy is okay. That means it’s real. And if anyone can handle Jared, it’s you.”

I let out a chuckle, the tension between us finally breaking. “Thanks. And I promise, no more secrets. At least not the big ones.”

“Deal,” she says, squeezing my hand. “So, how are things with you and Jared? Better?”

“If better means he’s trying to win me back, then yeah.” I roll my eyes, feeling my chest rise and fall quicker just at the thought of him.

“Is it working?” Serena’s grin widens, clearly too excited about the idea.

I fiddle with a loose thread on my comforter, my voice dropping. “I guess. I miss him."

She tilts her head. “So… kiss and make up? What’s holding you back?”

I flop back dramatically on the bed, throwing an arm over my face. “The deal is… he’s trying to win me back.”

“Yes, you said that…” she says inconclusively.

I take my arm off, meeting her gaze. “I kind of want him to work for it. Maybe beg or something.”

Her jaw drops, eyes wide. “Alli!”

“What?” I sit up, smirking in faux innocence.

“You’re diabolical.” She laughs, nudging me. “I love it.”

I let out a laugh, but it dies fast. Too fast. Because the second it’s gone, the thoughts rush in—loud, insistent. Jared. The look on his face. The words that cut too deep. The damage I can’t undo. And the worst part? I have no clue how to fix it.

“You really care about him, don’t you?”

Sword at the chest. I look down at my lap, twisting my fingers. “Yeah. I do. I didn’t plan on it. It just… happened.”

Serena’s teasing smile falters, her expression turning serious, and I understand what she’s asking even without her pronouncing a single word.

“It’s not that simple.” My voice cracks, and it irritates me how vulnerable I sound. I focus on a stray puzzle piece, counting the colors on it to avoid speaking, but Serena’s silence pushes me to do so. “He’s everything I said I didn’t want. Charming, unpredictable, the guy everyone’s after.”

“So, he’s hot, confident, and into you? You poor thing.” She raises an eyebrow, the sarcasm practically dripping from her words.

I shoot her a glare. “You’re not helping.”

“Not my job.” She shrugs, completely unfazed. “But if you like him and he likes you, then just… do something about it, Alli.”

I scoff, straightening up and gathering the pieces that fell to the floor.

“I wish it was that easy. I left home, and everything changed. I was just trying to find myself again. Trying to study to avoid feeling alone and… anxious all the time. It feels like I don’t even know who I am anymore.

And now…” I trail off, squeezing the hem of my sweatshirt tighter.

“Now what?”

I take a shaky breath. “Now, with Jared, it’s like he sees a version of me I forgot existed.”

“Okay…”—she extends the Y—“so what’s the issue? Are you afraid he’s too good to be true?”

“No,” I admit, “I’m afraid I’m not enough for him. That I’ll start relying on him too much. Lose myself again.”

“Alli, please. You’re acting like Jared’s this perfect guy who only dates perfect girls. He’s just… a guy.” she raises her arms, then snorts, making me chuckle. “A guy who happens to like you. If he can’t see how amazing you are, then he’s the one who’s not good enough, not you.”

I let out a reluctant laugh that eases the strain on my body. “You make things sound so simple.”

She shrugs casually, leaning back. “Comes with the territory. Learned a lot the hard way. But seriously, take your time if you need it. He’s not going anywhere. Trust me, the guy’s been asking me which rom-com he should watch to prepare for his ‘big win you back’ moment.”

I groan, grabbing a pillow to toss at her, though my smile betrays me. “You’re the worst.”

“Am I?” She catches the pillow dramatically, holding it like a prize. “Or am I the best at telling you what you need to hear? Don’t forget that when you two kiss and make up. And maybe don’t gloat too much about making him beg.”

I roll my eyes and smile. For the first time in what feels like forever, I’m able to catch my breath.

“So?” I glance up at her. “Are you gonna help me out with this puzzle or what?”

Serena frowns, eyeing the puzzle pieces laid out. “Alli, you know I’m bad at these.”

“You are not that bad.” I tease, tapping my chin like I’m thinking it over. “My abuelita can do this in an hour.”

Serena drops her shoulders and rolls her eyes. “Oh, lovely. Good to know Grandma Castillo can finish it faster than me.”

“Come on, Ser. It’ll be fun!”

She crosses her arms over her chest and pouts dramatically. “Ugh, I love you way too much.”

“I know, and I’m grateful for you, always.” I wink at her, resting my hand on her shoulder.

She glances at me with a mischievous grin, tilting her head slightly. “Grateful enough to take me to the frutería for a pina colada ?”

I roll my eyes, laughing. “Of course, I’ll even drive.”

Serena’s face lights up, her lips curling into a grin. “You’re letting me be a passenger princess? I really do love you.”