Page 7

DAMIEN

“ Y ou sure you’re okay to stay here for a drink?”

It was the third time in ten minutes that Selwin asked me that question.

I didn’t care what kind of bar it was, if I could get a strong drink, I was good.

I hadn’t seen my friend and former teammate in person in over a year, and we had a lot to catch up on.

Besides, it was a change from the usual sports bars or pubs back in Vermont.

Moonbeam lived up to its name, with midnight-blue walls, velvet booths, and sparkling lights that lit up the ceiling and dance floor. And on a Saturday night, it was packed.

We’d snagged a couple of seats at the bar and settled in.

“If you want to go someplace else,” he continued. “We can do that. it’s fine.”

I glared at my friend in response, and he laughed at my expression.

“I’m just checking,” he replied with a grin and sipped on his negroni. “Not all guys are cool with queer clubs.”

“You know me better than that.”

“I do, but with that uptight expression on your face, it’s always hard to tell,” he quipped.

I rolled my eyes at his joke, reaching for my dirty martini.

“That’s right, keep drinking. Let loose,” he urged. “You took a team to the national college championship, Damien, you should be smiling. Hell, you should be dancing on this bar.”

I shrugged.

“I’m happy, I am. It’s just that—” I paused. “Again, you know me, it’s never enough.”

Selwin nodded.

“And besides hockey, how’s life in Vermont?” Selwin asked.

“There is no ‘besides hockey,’” I retorted. “It’s what I live and breathe.”

“You gotta make time for your personal life.”

“Says the man who avoids relationships.”

“I said personal. That could mean fucking. Or hanging out with friends. Doesn’t have to be a romantic relationship.”

I took another long sip of my drink and thought about that.

“Dave and I hang out sometimes, and I’m friends with the other staff in the athletics department. But other than a dinner here and there, I’m pretty much working. Or thinking about work.” I sighed. “And sadly, there’s hardly any fucking, and dating least of all.”

Honestly, my libido was near to comatose. I’d had one hookup with a woman but that was over a year ago, and I hadn’t met anyone that had me craving anything more. It was so unlike my twenties, when I fucked more than I slept.

“What do you do for fun?” he asked me.

I had nothing to say, so I took another sip of my drink. A long one, draining most of the glass.

“Seriously, Damien?”

“This is my first time out in weeks. No, months. I think?” I paused. “I can’t remember.”

“If you can’t remember, it’s too long.”

“You didn’t want to invite any of the guys with you tonight?” I asked, changing the subject.

“Not here.” Selwin ran a hand over his mullet.

“I’m still not out to anyone except you and a few of the guys I’ve known since college.

I thought I’d be there by now, but nope.

It’s still scary to say I’m bisexual out loud.

I have no idea how teammates, or the league, will take it.

My agent tells me he’s good when I’m good. As to when that’ll be?—”

“You gotta do it when it feels right,” I replied. “Some of my players have come out recently. Things are changing, Sel. It’s slow, but it’s happening.”

“There’s so much more pressure on me now, you know? Once you hit the big-time spotlight, it’s unnerving.”

Boy, did I know it.

“Shit, sorry,” Selwin started.

I waved him off. “That was a long time ago. It’s old news. And I’m good with how things are now.”

“But you want more?”

“I want back in the league. Coaching at that level’s my ultimate goal.”

“After today’s win, I can see that happening. And speaking of today.” Selwin waved at the bartender and motioned for a refill. “Let’s get another round to celebrate.”

I finally looked around the bar and noticed several guys checking out my friend, one man more beautiful than the next. Whoa. Since when did I notice if a guy was beautiful? Not since… no. I pushed that thought away.

What the fuck was in this martini?

“One more drink, but that’s it,” I added.

I was looking to get relaxed, not shit-faced.

“So.” Selwin turned in his chair to face me. “Going back to your comment about barely fucking, why’ve you been living like a monk? Is that what happens when you move to Vermont? You eat cheese and maple syrup and stare at the green mountains?”

“Very funny,” I replied and downed the remainder of my drink.

“The night’s still young, maybe we can hit another bar and fix your problem.”

I would’ve laughed at that comment had I not been choking on my vodka.

“There’s no problem.” I coughed and cleared my throat. “It’s a dry spell. It happens. It’s no big deal.”

“Coming from you, wait, sorry, poor choice of words,” he teased. “I’m shocked. You were quite the fuckboy in your day.”

“Not when I was married.”

“Before.”

I nodded. “I was. But I’m not twenty anymore.”

“No shit. Who is?”

“Every player I coach. God, I’m ancient compared to them. They can play all day and party all night. Which is what they’re doing right now,” I replied, shaking my head. “I’ll be the only one on the plane tomorrow without a hangover.”

“Not if you have more than one of those martinis.” Selwin pointed to my drink. “Speaking of your team, they got you good after the game. That guy Moss had it in for you.”

“Yeah, he did.”

Thank God I packed another outfit.

To be honest, it wasn’t the shock of the champagne that hit me. It was seeing Silas smile as he sprayed me with the bubbly. It was the first time in eight months that he’d cracked one. A genuine one. Once I saw it, I couldn’t look away. And I couldn’t help but wonder why he didn’t do it more often.

Stop thinking about it. He’s a student for fuck’s sake.

“Anyway, we headed here so you could find someone, not me,” I offered. “I’m too old for this scene anyway.”

“Old? You’re only thirty, D.”

“Picking up someone at a bar isn’t my thing anymore.”

“Who are you right now?” Selwin replied with a concerned look. “I’m worried.”

“I told you, I’m fine. I’m happy. Work makes me happy,” I insisted. Shit, I sounded pathetic. “That being said, maybe it’s time for a vacation. I’ll be running a summer hockey camp this year, but I have a few weeks off in August.”

“It’s April, D. You need a vacation now.”

Thankfully, our conversation was interrupted by the bartender. He placed our drinks down and gave me a smile that was near to blinding.

“One negroni and one extra dirty martini,” he announced.

“Thanks, Quinnie,” Selwin replied to the blond bartender.

“Um, I don’t think I ordered mine extra dirty?” I added.

“You didn’t, honey, but it’s my pleasure.”

I didn’t miss the long once over or the fact that my face was now flushed as a result. The guy wasn’t flirting, was he? Nah. Even if he was, that was about tips, not me. Fuck, not having sex for so long was screwing with my brain. I hadn’t been hit on in, well, I couldn’t remember that either…

“Sorry, Quinnie, but Damien’s appallingly straight.” Selwin chuckled.

“You are?” Quinnie’s dark gaze met mine, and I shrugged. “Shame.”

I took a long sip of my drink and groaned in appreciation.

“Damn, I should’ve been ordering extra dirty all along,” I confessed.

“I know a filthy boy when I see one.”

Quinnie winked and headed off to serve the next customer.

“What was that?” Selwin elbowed me.

“What was what? I was making conversation.”

“It almost looked like you were flirting with him.”

“Nope,” I replied, the alcohol burning away my reserve. “He’s cute, but not my type.”

This time, it was Selwin’s turn to choke on his drink.

“Cute? And what type? Damien, did you pop drugs while I wasn’t looking?”

“Hey, I can appreciate a good-looking man,” I insisted. “Besides, I’ve done my share of exploration. I’m not as straight as all that.”

Selwin stared at me with his mouth open.

“Whoa, one mind-blowing revelation at a time,” Selwin whispered. “How did I not know this?”

“Well, I… I mean… I?—”

God, I was such an asshole. My friend was struggling with coming out and here I was holding back on him.

“Fuck, this is why I shouldn’t drink,” I added. “I’m sorry.”

“You never said.”

He sounded hurt, and I couldn’t blame him.

“It was when I was in college,” I admitted, the words all tumbling out. “Another player, a guy I roomed with on the road.”

“Do I know him?”

I shook my head.

“Sometimes, he’d catch me jacking off and we’d, you know, finish together.”

“That’s not uncommon for straight guys.”

“He jerked me off once.”

Selwin pursed his lips. “That’s less common.”

“And we—” I paused, licking my surprisingly dry lips.

“We had a threesome with a woman. I put it down to curiosity, I guess. It didn’t happen when I hit the pros.

I mean, yeah, okay, maybe there were times when I wondered about it, but by then I was dating Eloise, and we were exclusive.

And then I was married and monogamous, so I didn’t think about it again. ”

Why was I thinking about it now?

“And you haven’t been curious since then?”

“I—” I hesitated, something in my gut telling me yes. “No.”

“You paused, D.”

“I’m thinking.”

“Thinking about that threesome.” Selwin chuckled. “It’s okay, you know. You don’t need to have all the answers.”

“But I’m a control freak. I always need the answers.”

There was no one I’d been lusting over lately. No woman, and certainly no man. No one had caught my attention.

No one made me feel anything.

No one except…

“So, another hockey player,” he concluded. “That’s your type?”

I could feel the heated flush stain my cheeks.

“Oh man, this is getting good.” Selwin rubbed his hands together. “Maybe we came to the right bar after all.”

“Please, I’m so rusty,” I acknowledged. “I have no game to pick up women, never mind a guy.”

“You don’t need game. Just eye contact.”

“People always think I’m pissed off.”

“Well, you do give off that stern daddy vibe.”

“Oh my God.”

Selwin nudged my elbow. “You need someone younger, but experienced. A guy who likes a challenge. Like that defenseman, Moss. God, the body on him. And all those tatts? Ngh.”

“Are you drunk?” I asked my friend.

“Not yet.”

“Sel, he’s my student,” I hissed.

“So? That makes it hotter.”

My pants were starting to get uncomfortably tight.

It’s the alcohol. That’s it. Nothing more.

“No. End of discussion. I need to finish this drink and go back to my hotel. Alone.”

“Fine. I won’t push.”

“Thank you,” I replied and paused. “Wait, why him?”

“Why not? I saw him looking at you.”

“What do you mean?”

“Finish your drink.”

I reached for the toothpick with the olives, set it aside, and downed the rest of the martini in one go. The salty brine and the burn of the vodka was so damn good.

“Are you ready?” Selwin asked me, his expression serious.

“Yes.”

“He was watching you. Intently.”

I shook my head with incredulity. “That’s because he can’t stand me.”

Selwin rolled his eyes.

“Damien, for a former fuckboy, you’re remarkably na?ve. I don’t mean glaring at you. I mean, undressing you with his eyes.”

“What? No. He likes to push my patience,” I stated, my voice cracking along with my calm. “And the feeling’s mutual. He’s always mouthing off, making some sarcastic comment or another, and I give it right back to him. That’s all. You’re wrong, buddy. So fucking wrong.”

Selwin shook his head and motioned to Quinnie again.

“This news calls for another drink. And don’t say I didn’t warn you.”