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CHAPTER FIFTY-SEVEN

JADE

Garret and I didn’t get much sleep last night, but sleep isn’t what we needed. Last night, we needed to be together and reconnect. We’d been apart for way too long. So long I can’t remember when we’d done it last. It had probably been weeks. And I missed him. Not just the sex, but him.

When we finally got together last night, I didn’t want it to end. So it didn’t. As soon as we finished, I craved to feel him again. He felt the same away about me. We were completely in sync; our bodies, our minds, everything. And this morning I feel like we’re back where we used to be, before everything got so out of control.

“Good morning.” I feel Garret kissing the back of my neck. “You tired?”

“I feel okay.” I flip over to face him and am met with a view of his naked body; tan, muscular, perfect in every way. “Actually, I feel great. Last night was amazing. It’s been so long I’d almost forgotten how good you are at that.”

“I won’t let that happen again.” His warm hand slides over my hip and down my leg, then back up between my legs, lightly brushing past the area that aches to feel him yet again.

I glance back at the clock. “We should’ve got up earlier. We need to get back to having our morning tradition.”

“What time is it?”

“Nine. We have to get up. But I’d like to suggest a plan for tonight.”

“I’m listening.”

“Let’s get takeout for dinner, eat out on the deck, then meet back here and do this again.”

“I like that plan.” His lips are now lightly kissing my neck as his hand moves over my breast, causing a tingling heat to run down my core.

“We should really get out of bed. If we don’t, we’ll be late for class.” I reach down and touch him. “But I can’t seem to make myself go.”

He flips me on my back and gets on top of me. “Fuck it. We can be late to class.”

We’re only five minutes late. And my professor didn’t even notice me walking in late because he was too busy trying to fix the projector which never seems to work.

This is chem 2 and normally my head hurts during the lecture because I’m always mixing up what I learned in this class with my organic chem class. But now that I don’t have organic chem anymore, everything in today’s lecture made sense.

After class I sit outside and catch up on the reading that was assigned for my psych class. I’m surprised how much I’m liking that class. I’m learning a lot about how the human brain develops and how much our thoughts and behaviors are affected by our environment from the day we’re born.

I’ve learned that basically everything my mom did while raising me was the complete opposite of what you’re supposed to do when raising a kid. Obviously, I knew this, but what I didn’t realize is that everything she did affected me in some way and made me who I am today. My fear of getting close to people, my trust issues, my constant disappointment with myself, can all be traced back to how she treated me.

Little kids spend all their time observing the world and those observations teach them to see the world a certain way and react accordingly. As a child, my world was full of fear, uncertainty, disappointment, and sadness. I learned early on that I couldn’t depend on my mom for even the most basic stuff, like food and love. I couldn’t trust her either. She lied to me all the time. And she told me I was worthless and that everything I did was wrong.

I always tell myself I’m moving past what happened during my childhood but the truth is I’m not. And I know I need to deal with that stuff. I’m not sure how I’m going to do that yet, but it’s something I want to work on.

My phone rings. It’s Harper.

“Hey, Harper. I tried calling you earlier but you must’ve been in class.”

“No, I met Sean for lunch and forgot my phone.”

“How’s Sean doing?” I haven’t asked her about Sean for a few weeks so I figure now’s a good time to get a status update on their relationship.

“He’s good. He hates his job, though. His boss is a total jerk. Sean made some special seafood dish the other day and this food critic came in the restaurant and ordered it and loved it and Sean’s boss wouldn’t even give him credit. He told the food critic that the head chef made it instead of Sean.”

“He needs to find a different job.”

“I know. I tell him that all the time but he still stays there.”

“Has he looked for other jobs?” Maybe I shouldn’t ask these questions, but this is getting ridiculous. Sean shouldn’t be suffering at that stupid job when he has this great opportunity waiting for him in California.

“There aren’t any other good restaurant jobs around here. There’s just fast food and diners. And he’s too talented to work at some crappy diner.”

“Maybe he should look in a different town.”

“Yeah, I told him he should try to get a job at one of the fancy restaurants in Manhattan. But he doesn’t want the long commute and I don’t blame him. It’d be over an hour each way.”

“What if he moved there?”

“He can’t afford to live in the city. It costs way too much.”

“But if he could, would you be mad if he moved?”

“Of course not. This is his career. It’s important. He needs to be in a job that has a future. Or a job that will teach him what he needs to know to open his own restaurant someday.”

“If he moved, you wouldn’t see each other as much. Wouldn’t that bother you?”

“Yeah, it would suck. But I love him and I want him to be happy. And right now, he’s not. He pretends he’s okay working at that place, but I know he hates it. I can tell.”

“Aside from the job, how are things going? I mean, how are you and Sean? Are you still unsure about him?”

“I’m not unsure.” Her voice changes to a happier tone.

“What does that mean?”

“It means I love him.” She says it all slow and dreamy.

I laugh. “I know you love him, but last summer you said you weren’t sure if you could see a future with him.”

“Yeah, but then I thought about it and I realized that it’s my parents that can’t see us together in the future. Not me. Last summer, I was so focused on making them happy that I wasn’t able to let myself be happy. It’s like I had this wall up before and I wouldn’t let Sean get past it until my parents approved of him. Well, mostly my dad. I really wanted my dad’s approval. Then I realized that it’s not going to happen so I need to stop worrying about him and my mom and just be happy. And once I decided that, everything changed. Sean and I are so much closer now.”

“So you love him the way I love Garret?”

She laughs. “I don’t think anyone has that type of love. You and Garret have that one-in-a-million type of love that nobody believes exists until you actually see it in front of you. I don’t know what kind of love Sean and I have. I just know that I really love him and I’ve never felt this way about anyone else.”

“Harper, this is big news. Why haven’t you told me this?”

“Because you wouldn’t talk to me for weeks. Every time I called, you said you had to study.”

“I know, and I’m sorry about that. I dropped my organic chem class so things are getting better now.”

“Good, because I was really starting to worry about you.”

“So have you and Sean talked about the future at all?”

“Not really. I’m not sure if I’m ready to. I like just being where we are right now. I’m not ready to get married and I’m sure he’s not either.”

I swear, I do not understand these two. Do they never talk about this? I have to say something. I’m trying not to interfere, but I at least need to drop a hint.

“Now you sound like I did last year.”

“What do you mean?”

“Last year you kept telling me that Garret wanted to marry me and I didn’t believe you. Now it’s my turn to tell you that Sean would marry you tomorrow if you wanted him to. I know he would.”

She laughs. “Well, that’s not going to happen so don’t start shopping for bridesmaid dresses.”

“I’m really happy for you, Harper.”

“I know you are.” She laughs again.

“I’m serious. I’m happy for you. Why are you laughing?”

“Because I know you and Garret are secretly hoping Sean and I get married. And I know for a fact if I don’t marry him someday, you’ll never speak to me again.”

“That’s not true.”

“Yes it is.”

Now I’m laughing, too. “Okay, I admit I’d be annoyed with you but I’d still talk to you. I’d have to. How else would I lecture you on what a huge mistake you made letting Sean go?”

“Yeah, you’d totally do that. But I lectured you about Garret all last year so I guess you owe me.”

“I didn’t mind your lectures. I needed to hear that stuff.”

“Speaking of lectures, you need to get to work on that baby.”

“Excuse me?”

“I want to be an aunt, Jade, so hurry up. What’s taking so long? You should be pregnant by now. I told you I wanted that baby next summer.”

“Well, you’re not getting one. I’m only 19. I guess I’ll be 20 next week, but I’m not going to get pregnant at 20.”

“Why not? You’re in good shape. Your eggs are fresh. If you wait too long, your eggs will be old and you don’t want to make a baby with old eggs.”

We both laugh. “Seriously, Harper. Do not talk about my eggs.”

“If you get pregnant, I’ll marry Sean.”

“There is no way I’m agreeing to that. I’m sure you’ll marry Sean long before I get pregnant.”

“I don’t know about that. As much as you and Garret do it, I think there’s a strong possibility I’ll get my little niece or nephew before Sean even gives me an engagement ring.”

“Can we please change the subject now?”

“Actually, I need to go, but I’ll call you later. Tell Garret I said hi.”

“Okay, bye.”

Now I’m even more confused about the Harper-Sean dilemma. It sounds like she wants to marry him, just not in the near future. So maybe Sean should take the job in California. If she wants to marry him, she’s not going to break up with him if he moves. Or maybe she would. Harper’s a touchy-feely type of person who craves physical contact. A phone call isn’t enough. She needs to be able to hug Sean and kiss him and everything that comes after that. If he’s not around, maybe their relationship wouldn’t survive.

“Nice day to be outside.” I look over and see Walt sitting next to me on the bench.

Where did he come from? I grab my backpack and get up. I don’t want to be around this guy. He makes me nervous.

“No need to hurry off,” he says. “I could move to a different bench if you’d like. I’m just waiting for a meeting to start in the building behind us.”

“I have to go so the bench is all yours.”

“I understand why you hid your identity.” He’s looking down at his phone, swiping the screen.

I’m curious about his comment so I stand there and wait for him to continue.

“You don’t want to be a target. Someone with your kind of money is a target for scams. People will try to get close to you. Make their way into your life to get a piece of that money. You never know who your friends are. You never know who you can trust.” He puts his phone away and looks at me, and just like the other day, I feel like he’s trying to tell me something with his expression and his tone. “It’s a shame when you can’t trust people, isn’t it?”

I don’t respond. I don’t know where he’s taking this. I’m completely confused by this whole conversation.

“Given that Garret grew up in such a wealthy family, I’m surprised he’s so trusting. He should know better.”

“How do you know if he’s trusting?”

“We both know he is.” Walt stands up, his dark eyes fixed on me. “That’s what made him such an easy target. Isn’t that right, Jade?”

“What are you talking about?”

“I need to get to my meeting.” He starts walking away.

“Wait. What are you trying to say?”

He stops and turns around. “Secrets and lies tie you down, Jade. Doing the right thing can be very freeing.”

And then he just walks off.

What the hell does that mean? He acts like I’ve done something wrong. Secrets and lies tie you down? I’m not keeping secrets. Or lying. Well, technically I am doing those things when it comes to hiding the truth about Pearce and his secret society and what he did to Royce.

Shit! Is that what Walt meant? Does he know about Royce? No, that’s not possible. Is it? What if Walt isn’t a consultant? What if he’s a cop or a private investigator? What if he knows something he shouldn’t?

It’s almost noon and I told Garret I’d meet him at the coffee shop for lunch. He’s there when I arrive, at a table near the back.

“How’s my beautiful wife?” He kisses me, then holds the chair out for me.

I remain standing. “Remember that guy you met here the other day?”

“You didn’t even say hello to me.”

“Sorry.” I kiss his cheek. “How was class?”

“Good. Can I get a better kiss than that?”

I give him a real kiss, then we sit down. I scoot my chair closer to Garret’s and lower my voice. “So I saw that guy, Walt, just now and he said something really strange to me.” I retell Garret the story. “What do you think he meant? What secrets and lies? Do you think he knows something?”

“How could he possibly know about that?”

“I have no idea, but I don’t know what else he could be talking about. I don’t have any other secrets.” I check around us to make sure no one’s listening. “And what did he mean when he said you’re an easy target? An easy target for what?”

“I don’t know. Just stop worrying about it, okay? I’ll take care of it. Next time you see him here, call me and I’ll be right over. I’ll talk to him. He won’t bother you again.”

Sara stops by to take our order. “Do you guys know what you want?”

We give her our order, then before she leaves, I say, “Sara, what else do you know about that Walt guy?”

“Not much. Why? Why do you keep asking about him?”

“I’m just curious. He’s in here a lot, right?”

“Usually every day.”

“Do you talk to him much?”

“Just about kid stuff. I tell him about Caleb and he tells me about his grandson.”

“So you don’t ever get a strange vibe from him or anything?”

“No. I think he’s a nice man. He leaves me really big tips. I haven’t told him I’m a single mom but he’s figured it out. He’s one of those people who just picks up on stuff, you know?” The bell in the kitchen dings. “I have to get that order. Yours will be out soon.”

She leaves and Garret puts his arm around me. “Jade, just forget about that guy and stop asking Sara about him.” He leans closer and talks by my ear. “Put your mind on other things, like what I’m going to do to you when we get home tonight.”

His lips touch my ear as he talks and it makes me shiver. He proceeds to describe exactly what he’ll be doing to me later and I feel my cheeks blushing. I’m so hot for him right now I have the urge to forget lunch and race home quick, but then Sara brings our drinks. The place is packed today so she drops off the drinks and leaves.

“Garret, not here,” I tell him.

He sits back and takes a sip of his soda. “I’m just warming you up for later.”

“You went way past warming. Way, way past. Now I won’t be able to concentrate during class this afternoon.”

He laughs. “Then I did my job.”

A few minutes later our lunch arrives. As we’re eating, Garret checks his phone. “Shit, I forgot I’m supposed to meet with my project group in a few minutes. I have to take this to go.” He wraps the rest of his sandwich in a napkin.

“You’re leaving me? After what you did to me? I still haven’t recovered from that.”

His cocky smile appears. “Always leave them wanting more. It’s in the guy handbook.” He kisses me. “I’ll see you after class.”

When we get home later, we forget all about dinner. We head straight to the shower and then to the bed for a repeat performance of last night. I know it’s a lot, but hey, we’re newlyweds and we’re making up for all those weeks of not doing it. At least tonight we managed to get a few more hours of sleep.

The alarm goes off at 9 and Garret rolls over and hits the snooze button. “Too early,” he mumbles.

“I can sleep all morning. I only have one class today.” I yawn and stretch my arms out. “Maybe I’ll go for a run.”

“Jade, we’ve already discussed this. You’re not running alone.”

“I won’t go very far.” I flip on my side to face him.

“No, it’s not safe.”

“Why? That burglar is dead and we haven’t seen anyone suspicious hanging around here.”

“It doesn’t matter. I don’t want you running alone.”

I sigh. “Then what am I going to do all morning? I can’t just sit around until class starts. Maybe I shouldn’t have dropped organic chem. Now I feel like a loser.”

“You’re not a loser. You have plenty of things to do.”

“Like what?”

“Call Grace. Or Harper. Call Brook and set up a time for the four of us to have dinner. And figure out what you want to do when Frank and Ryan are here next weekend.”

“I think I just want to hang out here. Set up chairs on the beach like we did last summer. Do you think you could grill out burgers and hot dogs on Saturday? Or is that too much work?”

“It’s not too much work. Decide what else you want. Make a list of what we need. See? You’ve got all kinds of things to do.”

“I think I’m going to tell Frank and Ryan about med school when they’re here next week.”

“I thought you wanted to wait.”

“I did, but now I just want to get it over with.”

“Whatever you want to do.”

“They’re going to be mad, aren’t they?”

Garret tucks my hair behind my ear and looks me in the eye. “They are not going to be mad. They love you. They want you to be happy.”

“I don’t like disappointing them.”

“I promise you, you will not be disappointing them. They’re proud of you. And they were proud of you even before they knew you were considering med school.”

“You still think I made the right decision?”

“It’s not about what I think. It’s about what you think. Why do you ask that? Are you having doubts?”

“No. But I still feel like a loser. I had a goal before, and now I have nothing. I don’t like not having direction, not knowing what I’m working toward.”

“You’re working toward finding out what makes you happy. That’s not going to happen overnight.”

“So you don’t think I’m a loser?”

“I would never, ever think that about you. You work your ass off to succeed. You’re way more driven than I am. I have no problem slacking off. If I only had three classes, I’d be hanging out on the beach every day or going to the pool. And would you call me a loser?”

I smile. “No.”

“Jade, you’ve already accomplished so much, and I know you’re going to do so much more. You may not know what that is yet, but you’re going to kick ass at whatever it is. And I’m going to be here to watch it happen, and be even more amazed by you than I already am.”

“I’m not so sure about that.”

“You need to stop doubting yourself. You’re going to do incredible things in the years ahead. You’re going to make a difference in people’s lives. I know you are. I can feel it.”

“I don’t know why you believe in me so much.”

“I’ll always believe in you. And I’ll always support you in whatever you want to do.”

I hug him. “I love you.”

“Well, you are married to me. It’s kind of required that you love me.”

The alarm goes off again.

This time I reach over and shut it off. “You better get ready. You have class soon.”

“Would you call me a loser if I skipped today?”

“No, but I don’t think you should skip.”

“I’d rather stay in bed with you.”

“I’d like that, too, but you should go to class.”

He gets out of bed and stands beside it. “Today’s Friday which means it’s date night. You going out with me?”

“I don’t think so.” My gaze wanders over his naked body. He’s so damn hot. I feel heat rising inside me just looking at him.

“Why not? You got other plans?” He notices me checking him out and leans down to kiss me.

“I want you as my date.” I kiss him back. “I just don’t want to go out.”

“So you want to stay in?” He shoves the covers back and nudges my legs apart with his hand. “And do what?”

He lays over me and I smile as I feel him between my legs, hard and ready. “I thought we were planning our date.”

“We are.” He says it by my ear as he pushes inside me. “Go ahead.”

“I can’t now,” I say, breathlessly.

He kisses my neck, his hips moving in a slow rhythm. “If we stay in tonight, we’ll just end up doing this again.”

I’m still smiling. “Then we’re definitely staying in.”

And that’s what we do. But our Friday date night ends up being more than just sex. We order a pizza, watch a movie, and cuddle on the couch. And then have sex.

Over the weekend, Garret and I catch up on homework since we both missed classes while I was sick. On Sunday, Garret goes to the gym and the pool to do his shoulder exercises.

His shoulder isn’t hurting as much since he started doing physical therapy. I sat in on one of his sessions. It didn’t look easy. They had him doing push-ups and resistance training with bands. It made me tired just watching it. After all that, you’d think his shoulder would hurt more , not less, but after weeks of doing this, he’s in a lot less pain now.

Monday, I start getting excited about my birthday. But then Wednesday morning arrives and I wake up feeling depressed. Every year I tell myself I’m over it and I’m not going to think about it, but then I do. I can’t help it.

Today is the anniversary of the day my mom killed herself and no matter how hard I try, I can’t get that day out of my head. I just want to erase it from my memory, but I can’t. It just remains there, vivid and new, like it just happened, even though it was years ago.

I can still see my mom sitting across from me at breakfast that morning, telling me how she was going to order pizza for my birthday. I remember feeling a twinge of happiness when she said it. I couldn’t believe she wanted to do something for my birthday and that she was even acknowledging it.

I went to school that day with this tiny glimmer of hope that maybe my mom was getting better. Maybe something had changed. Maybe I’d come home from school and she’d tell me she’d decided to stop drinking. I don’t know why I thought that. I knew better. But for years, I’d held on to this fantasy of her changing into the mom I wanted. The mom I needed. And for whatever reason, on that morning when she promised me pizza, I really believed she was going to change.

Then I got home that afternoon and my fantasy world and my real world came crashing down all at once. When I saw her there on the bathroom floor, I was in total shock. I knew she was dead, but I still screamed and yelled at her to wake up. I was so angry. She couldn’t do that to me. She couldn’t leave me like that. She hated me and treated me horribly, but she was all that I had. And then she was gone. I collapsed on the floor and sobbed over her lifeless body. I hugged her and begged her to come back. I would never in a million years tell anyone that. Not even Garret. I don’t want anyone to ever know how much I hurt that day and how much of me she took with her when she died.

It was easier, both then and now, to pretend her death had no effect on me. And so at breakfast, when I see Garret giving me that look, I cut him off when he asks how I’m doing.

“I’m not talking about it, Garret, so don’t even start.” I go to the fridge and take out the jug of orange juice.

“Jade, you can’t tell me you don’t think about it.” He takes the orange juice from me and sets it on the counter, then brings me into his arms for a hug. “I want you to be able to talk to me about this.”

“I need to move on.” I try to free myself from his hug but he’s so strong I can’t pull away. “And I can’t move on if you keep pushing me to talk about it.”

“I’m not pushing you. If you don’t want to talk about it, fine. I just want to be here for you.” He kisses the top of my head.

“The best thing you could do for me is just to pretend it didn’t happen.”

He lets me go, but takes my hand and leads me to the table to sit down with him. “But it did happen. And I know you think about it, especially today.”

“Why would I think about it? Why would I want to remember that? You don’t like thinking about the day your mom died.”

“Of course I don’t like thinking about it. But I still do, and I know you do, too. That’s why I’m trying to be here for you. You were with me last year on the anniversary of my mom’s death.”

Garret’s mom died in a plane crash the day before Thanksgiving when he was just 10 years old. It was a small private plane. Garret said his mom thought they were dangerous so she’d usually only fly in regular planes, but that day she agreed to take the private plane because she was in a hurry to get home to start baking pies for Thanksgiving. She’d been at a fundraiser for a senator who was one of Pearce’s friends. Pearce had to fly home early for a meeting, but Garret’s mom stayed behind to go to a party for the senator. It was his plane that crashed and they were both on it.

Garret and his dad didn’t have Thanksgiving that year. And I think that’s why Garret’s family never has a real Thanksgiving at home. They always take a trip to a tropical island every Thanksgiving. Garret said that was all Katherine’s idea but I kind of think it was Pearce’s idea, too. He probably likes being far away from home. Far away from anything that would remind him of that day.

“Last year, you wouldn’t even talk about that day,” I say to Garret. “We went to your old house and you didn’t even mention what day it was.”

“I didn’t talk about the plane crash but I talked about her . That day usually sucks for me. I used to spend it drinking until I passed out. But last year I spent that day with you and I didn’t need to drink. I didn’t even have the urge to. You made me feel differently about that day. I got through it and yeah, I was sad, but it wasn’t the same sadness I felt before. I didn’t feel the need to get rid of the sadness by drinking. Instead I just accepted it. And on Thanksgiving I made you the sandwich she used to make me. I always make that sandwich on Thanksgiving in case maybe she’s watching. It’s my way of remembering her. And I wanted to share that with you.”

“It’s just that you didn’t act sad and depressed on that day so I don’t know why you expect me to act that way today.”

“I’m not expecting you to act that way. I just want you to feel something . Anything.”

“Why? What difference does it make?”

“Jade, stop trying to pretend it didn’t happen. I know today is hard for you and I just want to help.”

His insistence that I talk about this is making me angry. I know he just wants to help but I don’t want his help. I don’t want anyone’s help. I just want to forget about it and make it go away.

“I’m fine. So stop bugging me about this. Besides, you weren’t around for me last year on this day and I survived.”

I didn’t mean to bring that up. Both of us try to forget all those weeks when Garret wouldn’t speak to me. I don’t know how he felt during those weeks, but I was a mess. He had become my best friend and one of the few people I trusted and then he just ditched me and refused to talk to me. He didn’t even give me an explanation for why he did it. That was a really bad time for me and sometimes I still feel a little pissed off that he did that to me.

He sighs and looks down at the floor. “I know, and I regret that, Jade. If I’d known, I would’ve—”

“You would’ve what? Not stopped being friends with me without even saying why? Not ignored me for all those weeks? Like I really would’ve wanted you to be nice to me out of pity.”

“That’s not what I’m saying. And I regret doing that to you last year. Leaving you like that, without an explanation. I hate knowing that last year on this day, you were all alone in your dorm room. That shouldn’t have happened. But you shouldn’t have waited so long to tell me about this day. Even before we dated, we were friends, Jade. Best friends. We still are, and that’s why I wish you’d open up to me about this.”

“You’re making a big deal out of nothing. Really, Garret. I have nothing to say about it.”

His eyes search my face. I can tell he’s trying to decide if he should keep pushing this issue or just let it go. Luckily, he lets it go.

“If you change your mind about this, I’m always here for you, okay? Even if it’s the middle of class and you decide you want to talk, just text me and I’ll be there.”

I agree to it, but I know it won’t happen. I don’t want to talk about it. This is something I deal with in my head and that’s where I’m going to keep it.

And by the next day, I’ve already moved past it, or at least I tell myself that. I focus all my thoughts on my birthday, which is tomorrow. I start quizzing Garret about it. He tells me we’re going out to dinner at that crappy diner with the bad pancakes. Obviously, it’s a lie but I can’t get him to tell me what we’re really doing. Whatever it is, I’m sure I’ll love it.

Tomorrow is going to be so great. Frank and Ryan will be here and I’ll have an actual birthday celebration. Maybe I’ll even get a cake with candles. My first real birthday party. This is so exciting!