Page 53

CHAPTER FIFTY-THREE

JADE

I wake up at 2 a.m., my heart racing because I just had a dream that I forgot to study for a test and ended up failing it. I had a similar dream last week, but it was one in which I forget to turn in a paper.

I sit up a little and lean against the headboard as my heart rate returns to normal.

The past three weeks I’ve been completely overwhelmed. My classes are more than I can handle. I feel weak for saying that, but it’s true. It’s too much math and science all at once. I desperately want to drop a class but then I’d feel like a failure. And I’m afraid Garret, Frank, and Ryan would think I’m a failure, too. I don’t want them thinking I’m not smart enough to get through the semester. Because I know I’m smart enough. I just don’t have enough hours in the day to complete all the homework and study for tests.

Two weeks ago I had my first quiz in advanced calculus and I got a 75. With the grading curve it turned out to be a B minus, but for me that’s failing. I’ve never had a 75. I didn’t tell Garret about it. He’d tell me I’m overreacting but he doesn’t get how much I worry about this stuff. I won’t get into med school if I keep getting 75’s on my tests.

That’s the other thing. Lately I’ve been rethinking the med school idea. Even though I’m good at science and math, I don’t really like them that well. I just always thought that if you’re good at something, you should pursue it as a career. And I always wanted a job where I could help people, so the doctor idea made sense. But I don’t have to be a doctor to help people. I could do something else. I just don’t know what.

This is why I never wanted anyone to know I was thinking about med school. I was never 100% sure about it, but now I feel pressured to continue down this path. Frank, Ryan, Grace, and Garret will all think I’m a failure if I don’t pursue this, especially since I don’t have an alternative in mind.

For now I just need to get through this semester. Maybe after that I’ll make a decision. Unfortunately I don’t know how I’ll make it through the next few months. To keep up, I’ll have to study even more, which means spending even less time with Garret. I already feel like I never see him. Every time he asks me to do something, I turn him down. I don’t like doing that, but I need to study. He’s been really understanding and supportive, but I know he’s getting tired of this. I am, too. I miss him. We live together and yet I miss him. How messed up is that?

That’s why I finally took tonight off and watched a movie. Being with Sara and Caleb earlier gave me some perspective. Here I am complaining about being overwhelmed with classes, and poor Sara is trying to raise a baby on her own. Talk about being overwhelmed. It makes my stressing over homework seem completely stupid.

I can’t imagine what Sara’s going through. I know she struggles to pay her bills and I wish I could help her but she won’t let me. Last week she said she was running out of diapers but that she couldn’t buy more until payday which wasn’t for two more days. I gave her a twenty and she gave it right back. She hates taking money from people, just like I do. She wants to be able to support Caleb by herself, and she’s really trying, but her job at the coffee shop doesn’t pay enough, which leaves her struggling to make ends meet.

I told her to take the money I offered her and to pay me back later if she felt she had to. She still refused and said she’d try to get an extra shift at work. She’s as stubborn as I am. Now I understand why Garret was so frustrated with me last year when I wouldn’t accept his help.

After Sara told me about her money problem, I snuck in the coffee shop later that day and left a $20 bill on a table that was waiting to be cleaned. There was some money already there to cover the check but the people who left it didn’t include a tip. People always forget to leave a tip because most people order at the counter. But the waitress still brings your food and fills your drink so you’re supposed to leave a tip.

Anyway, after I left the tip, I stood outside and watched as Sara cleaned the table. When she saw the money, she covered her face and I saw her shoulders shaking. She was so relieved to get the money, she was crying. I was glad she didn’t know it was from me. I’d rather have her think it was from some random customer, someone who thought she did a good job or who thought she could use some extra money.

Sara needs that. She needs to have faith in people so she doesn’t turn into the person I was before I met Garret. Someone who thinks nobody cares and that you can’t rely on anyone but yourself. Sara’s not there yet and I’m hoping that tip she got will act as a gentle reminder that she can count on people.

“Jade, what are you doing?” Garret notices me sitting up in bed. “Why aren’t you sleeping?”

“I was thinking about Sara.” I lie down beside him. “Last week I gave her some money because she really needed it, but I didn’t tell her the money was from me. I made it look like it was a tip from a customer. That wasn’t wrong, was it? I mean, it’s not considered lying, is it?”

“No. Not at all. Sara’s stubborn and she doesn’t like taking help from people. She’s just like you that way.”

“It’s totally frustrating. She needs money but she won’t take it from me.”

“Believe me, I know how frustrating that can be.” He pulls the blanket over me and kisses my cheek.

“I was a real pain in the ass last year, wasn’t I?”

“Let’s just say you were frustrating.” He hugs me into his chest. “You still are, but I love you.”

“I love you, too.”

He goes back to sleep, but I can’t. I keep hearing noises in the house and think someone’s trying to break in. I’m still freaking out about seeing those guys get shot in the parking lot. I keep thinking the shooter saw me and is going to come after me. Three weeks have gone by and nothing’s happened so I probably don’t need to worry, but I still do. Garret keeps telling me it’s over and to relax, but at the same time he’s been super cautious ever since it happened. He takes me to and from class and calls and checks on me whenever we’re not together. So despite what he says, I know he’s worried about it, too.

I finally fall asleep, and a few hours later the alarm is beeping. I dread getting up because getting up means going to class and getting even more homework on top of the stuff I haven’t even finished.

The talk I gave myself last night about needing to take time off and not work so hard is all forgotten when I go to organic chem and get my test back with a giant C written on it. I spent forever studying for that test so I wasn’t expecting to get a C. But I’m finding organic chemistry is more difficult than regular chemistry. Or it could just be that my professor sucks, because he does. He’s not good at explaining things in simple terms. He uses so much chemistry jargon that I have to keep referring to the glossary in the back of the book to make sure I’m understanding him correctly.

The bad grade I got pushes me to return to the nonstop studying that I told myself I wasn’t going to do. I was supposed to take some breaks and not stress out so much, but I can’t seem to make myself do it.

I study constantly for the rest of the week, including Friday night and all day Saturday. Garret leaves me alone. He can tell I’m in a crappy mood. He just doesn’t know it’s because I got a bad test grade.

Saturday night, Garret goes over to his new friend’s apartment to watch a football game. I haven’t met this Nate guy but Garret seems to like him. He said there will be about 10 other guys there, including Dylan.

While Garret’s gone I study for my calculus test. I never know how to study for math. It’s not like you can memorize anything. You just have to keep doing practice problems and hope they put similar problems on the exam. When I’m done with calculus, I read a chapter in my organic chemistry book. It’s so boring.

This is not how I want to spend my Saturday night. Everything in my life just seems so out of balance right now and I don’t know how to fix it.

When Garret gets home at 10, I’m angry, frustrated, and exhausted. He has no idea what he’s walking into. I shouldn’t be around him, or anyone, right now. I’m so tense I just want to scream.

“Hey.” Garret comes over and kisses me. “Did you get your studying done?”

“I never get my studying done. As soon as I get caught up, they pile on more.”

“Why don’t you quit for tonight and hang out with me?” He pulls me up to standing.

“I told you, I’m not done yet.” I back away from him.

“Jade, it’s late and I think it’d be good if you took a break.”

“Stop telling me to take a break! I can’t take a break!” Shit. I did not mean to yell at him like that.

“Why can’t you take a break?” He steps closer to me.

“Because I’m failing my classes. That’s why.”

“What do you mean you’re failing?”

“I got a 75 on my calculus quiz a few weeks ago.”

“Yeah? So? That’s probably a B with the grading curve. And it’s just a quiz. You’re not failing the class.”

“I studied really hard for that quiz, Garret, and I still got a 75. And then I got a C on my organic chem exam and it’s a big part of my grade.”

“That’s not failing. You’re overreacting here.”

“I’m NOT overreacting! You don’t understand!” I’m yelling at him again and I don’t mean to. I really don’t. I should’ve locked myself in the bedroom before he got home. I can’t talk to him when I’m like this. This has nothing to do with him. He didn’t do anything wrong. I’m just really cranky and really tired and really stressed right now.

“Jade, it’s okay.” He holds my shoulders and says calmly, “We’re only a month into the semester. You’ll have plenty of other quizzes and exams.”

As he talks I smell the beer on his breath. I’m not used to that smell on him. He hasn’t drank since last fall, other than some sips of champagne, which he had with me. “You were drinking?”

He tenses up but his voice remains calm. “I just had a few beers.”

“What’s a few?”

“Three or four. I don’t know.”

“And then you drove?” I shove his hands off my shoulders. “What the hell? Are you trying to kill yourself? Or kill other people?”

“I’m not drunk. I finished my last beer like an hour ago.”

“So are you going to do this all the time now?”

“Do what?”

“Are you going to start drinking again?” It comes out harsh and accusatory.

“Why are you freaking out about this? I just had a few beers!” Now he’s getting angry. “You’re the one who keeps telling me to hang out with other guys and you’ve told me repeatedly that it’s okay if I drink. And I’ve promised you I won’t get drunk.”

“Well, I was wrong. I don’t want you to drink, okay?”

“No, it’s not okay. I should be able to have a few beers without being accused of being an alcoholic.”

“I didn’t say you were.”

“You sure as hell act like it.”

“You know my past, Garret. You know I can’t be around alcohol or people who drink.”

“You need to get over it. People drink. You can’t avoid it.”

“Maybe not, but I should be able to avoid it in my own house.”

“Jade, you can’t tell me I can do something and then get mad at me for doing it!”

He’s completely right and I don’t know why I’m saying these things to him. I’m not mad at him for having a few beers. I’m happy he went out and had fun with his friends. But I’m also jealous that he got to do that while I had to spend the whole night studying, feeling like a failure, and feeling trapped in this stupid major. I need to get away from him before I do more damage.

“I can’t talk right now, Garret. I’m going in the bedroom and I’m closing the door and I need you to leave me alone.”

“Why? What’s going on with you?”

“I just need time to myself. Can you sleep on the couch?”

“Why the hell would I sleep on the couch?”

“Then I’ll sleep on the couch. You take the bedroom.” I go to the hall closet and pull out a pillow and a blanket.

Garret takes them from me and throws them on the floor. “What the fuck is going on here?”

My patience is completely gone and I’m about to explode. “Just leave me alone!” I run in the bedroom, slam the door, and lock it.

Garret tries to open it. “Jade, open the door.”

I’m slumped on the floor, hugging my knees, tears pouring from my eyes.

“Jade.” He jiggles the door handle again. “Open the door. Right now.”

“Please, Garret. Please just leave me alone.”

I hear him sigh, then walk away from the door. I hear his fist slam against something. And then I hear the TV, the volume turned way down.

I take off my shorts and get into bed wearing my bra and t-shirt. I’m too tired to change into pajamas. I’m still crying because I feel horrible for treating Garret that way. But I’m not ready to talk to him yet. I need to calm down and figure out why I’m such a mess right now.

I get up and unlock the door, just in case he wants to come in later. But I’m sure he won’t. He needs a break from me after I yelled at him like that. He probably won’t even talk to me tomorrow. I get back in bed and eventually fall asleep.

Two hours later I wake up. My head is pounding and I’m sweating but I have goosebumps everywhere. I draw the blanket up to my chin but it doesn’t help. I’m still freezing to the point that I’m shivering. My stomach starts to churn and my throat is hot and dry.

I know this feeling. I haven’t had it for a long time but it’s something you don’t forget. I have the stomach flu and it’s coming on fast. I rip the covers off me and race to the bathroom and throw up everything I ate earlier. Afterward, I want to rinse my mouth out but I can’t make it to the sink. My head is spinning so bad I can’t tell where I am in relation to the sink. I take off my sweaty t-shirt and bra and lie down on the tile floor. It’s cold and feels good on my hot skin.

I lie there until that sick feeling in my stomach rises to my throat and I throw up again. Based on past experience, I know this is how it’ll be for the next few hours. It’s like clockwork. My body will give me a little break and then I’ll get sick again. I really hate the stomach flu.

After my third time throwing up, I crawl out of the bathroom and back into the bedroom. I accidentally run into the nightstand and knock something off it. It makes a loud noise and I cringe because the sound makes my head hurt even more. I collapse on the wood floor.

“Jade?” I hear knocking. “What was that noise?”

“Nothing,” I mumble.

“Jade.” I hear the door open and the sound of Garret walking toward the bed. “Jade, where are you?”

“Down here.” My voice is weak and hoarse and my throat burns when I talk.

“Down where?” I feel his foot hit my leg and he almost trips. “Jade, what the hell are you doing on the floor?”

“I’m sick.”

“You’re what?” He kneels down and feels for me in the dark. His hand is like ice on my skin. “Shit. You’re burning up.”

“I have the flu.” I reach my arms up trying to find him. “Would you help me?”

He lifts me up onto the bed. “Why didn’t you come get me?”

“I didn’t want to wake you up.”

“If you get sick in the night, you wake me up. That’s the rule. Got it?”

I nod, weakly.

He turns the light on by the bed and a sharp pain shoots through my already-pounding head. I cover my eyes with my hand. “Too bright.”

“I need to get a cold washcloth. You need to cool down.”

I’m completely delirious. I’m not even sure Garret’s there. This could all be a dream. I reach for him and find him in the dark. “Don’t leave.”

“I’ll be right back.” He goes to the bathroom and returns with the cold washcloth, spreading it over my forehead. “What do you need? Did you take anything? Should I—”

I yank on his shirt. “I think I’m going to be sick again.”