Page 39

CHAPTER THIRTY-NINE

JADE

That’s one of the worst things you can say to a person. That you need to tell them something. Because why do you need to announce it like that? Why not just say what you need to say? The announcement implies it’s going to be bad. Really bad. So bad you need to prepare yourself. Get ready, because here it comes. Granted, I’ve used this phrase many times myself, but I still don’t like it. And I only use it for bad news.

“You sure you want to tell me here? At the park?”

Garret seems confused. “Yeah. Why? What’s wrong with the park?”

“If it’s that bad, I think I want to be home for this.”

“It’s not bad, but if you want to go home, we’ll go.”

“Forget it. Just tell me.”

He turns toward me with a really serious look on his face. This can’t be good.

I jump off the picnic table. “Okay, let’s go. I don’t want to do this here.”

“You don’t even know what I’m going to say.”

“Then just spit it out. I can’t take this long delay.”

He waits for me to sit next to him again, then says, “Remember when I hurt my shoulder last year?”

“You mean when I got you shot and thought you were going to die? Yeah, I remember it. Every detail.”

“You didn’t get me shot, Jade. I got myself shot.”

“No, it was my fault. If I hadn’t been digging for info about my past and—”

“Jade.” He holds my hand and looks me in the eye. “I can’t tell you this unless you admit that what happened wasn’t your fault.”

“But it was my fault. You wouldn’t have been hurt if—”

“Jade, stop. You can’t keep taking the blame for that. It was my decision to get in front of you when he pulled the trigger. You had no choice in the matter. Just tell me it wasn’t your fault or I’m not continuing.”

“Okay, go ahead.”

“Say it. Say it’s not your fault.”

I have so much guilt over that day and what happened to Garret. I still have nightmares of him bleeding and lying unconscious on the floor of the study. Sometimes they seem so real I wake up shaking and out of breath. It usually wakes Garret up, but I never tell him what I was dreaming about. I just say I can’t remember.

“It’s not my fault.” I say it but I don’t believe it.

“That wasn’t at all convincing, but at least it’s a start. Maybe if I get you to say it a few more times you’ll actually believe it.”

“Would you just hurry up and tell me whatever you wanted to tell me?”

“After I was shot last year, my shoulder didn’t heal as well as I’d hoped it would. I tried to ignore the pain and sometimes it went away. But then it would come back. So I’ve kind of had this on-and-off pain for the past few months.”

“Garret, why didn’t you tell me?”

“We had a lot of stuff to deal with last spring. My shoulder was the least of our concerns. Anyway, it didn’t heal and I made it worse by skipping out on my physical therapy appointments.”

“You told me you didn’t need them.”

“Because I thought my shoulder was getting better. It was bothering me last January but then I got another one of those shots from the clinic and the pain went away. It didn’t really start up again until February when I started swimming more and lifting weights. So long story short, I can’t be on the swim team until this gets better. I thought the coach would tell me I can’t ever be on the team, but today he said if I go see a specialist and get physical therapy that I might be able to compete again.”

I don’t know what to say. Why didn’t Garret tell me this sooner? I guess I understand why he didn’t tell me last spring, but why couldn’t he tell me back in June or after we got married? I’m his wife. I vowed to take care of him and he’s been suffering in silence for months.

“I need to go.” I hop off the picnic table and walk to the car.

He follows me. “Jade. Wait.”

“Could you open the door, please?” I stand next to the car. He clicks the remote and I get inside.

He goes around the car and gets in on the driver’s side. “Why do you want to leave?” He puts his hand on mine. “Don’t you want to talk about this?”

“There’s nothing to say.” I yank my hand back. “You’ve been dealing with this on your own for months now. You didn’t need me then, and you don’t need me now. I don’t even know why you told me. It’s not like I’m your wife or anything. Or yeah, that’s right, I am.”

“That’s not what this was about. It didn’t have anything to do with you.”

“Your health doesn’t have anything to do with me? So if I ever find out I have cancer or some other disease, I’ll just keep it a secret because it has nothing to do with you?”

“That’s not comparable, Jade. This isn’t cancer. It’s just some damaged tissue in my shoulder that’s taking forever to heal.”

“Can we please just go home?”

He starts the car and we ride in silence back to the house. I race inside to the bedroom and find a pair of running shorts and a t-shirt. Garret meets me in there.

“You’re not running, Jade.” He takes the clothes I just took from the dresser and tosses them on the floor.

“I’ll only be gone for an hour.” I go to pick up the clothes but he holds me in place, his hands on my shoulders.

“You’re not going to start this again.”

“Start what?”

“You’re not going running whenever you can’t handle shit. That was the old Jade. You’re not her anymore. You’re stronger than her and you face shit head-on instead of running from it. I taught you that, remember?”

“Yeah, but you also taught me to trust you and then you lied to me.”

“I didn’t lie to you.” He sees my eye roll and says, “Okay, yes, a lie by omission is still a lie. And I’m sorry I didn’t tell you. But I didn’t think I needed to. I thought my shoulder would be better by now. I guess it just takes a long time to heal. I didn’t realize that, and I made it worse by pushing it when it wasn’t ready.”

My body is aching to move. “Just let me run. I swear, I won’t stay out that long.”

“Why do you need to run, Jade?” He leads me to the bed and forces me to sit down with him.

“Because. . . I don’t know. I just need to.”

“Why?”

He knows why. He’s already said it. Now he wants me to say it. Running to me is like a drug. Something I use to take the pain away when I don’t want to deal with it. And right now, I have a lot of pain.

“Jade.” He keeps his eyes on me but I won’t look at him. “Why do you have to run?”

I swallow past the lump in my throat. “You hurt me. You hurt me by not telling me and now I have to run.”

“Why? Why do you have to run? Why can’t you just talk to me?”

“I don’t know. I really don’t. I’m sorry.” Tears stream down my face and I quickly wipe them away.

Garret hugs me. “You don’t have to be sorry. I’m just trying to figure this out. I want you to stop running every time you can’t deal with your feelings. I want to help you.”

“That’s not fair!” I shove him away. “You want to help me but you won’t let me help you .”

“Because you couldn’t. What could you have done?”

“I would’ve made you go to the doctor. I would’ve got you something for the pain. I would’ve been more careful around you so I didn’t hurt you.”

“You didn’t hurt me. It doesn’t work that way. It only hurts when I strain it by working out instead of letting it rest. I did this to myself, Jade. I didn’t give it time to heal.”

We sit there in silence. He’s probably afraid to say anything, not wanting to start a fight. But this already feels like a fight and I don’t want it to continue. I’m mad at him for not telling me, but I’m also worried about him. And I’d rather talk about his health than argue over the fact that he kept this from me.

“So when do you see the doctor?” I ask him.

“I’ll try to get an appointment next week sometime. It’ll probably be after classes start and his office is a half hour away. Do you want to stay here or do you want to go with me?”

I can’t believe he even has to ask. It hurts me even more and I feel tears welling up.

“What do you want me to do, Garret? Just tell me what you need.”

He holds my hands and looks me in the eye. “I’d like you to go with me.”

“Good, because I would’ve had to run for the rest of the day if you told me I wasn’t invited.”

“Jade, about that. We need to talk about the running.”

I shake my head. “No. I hardly ran at all last summer. There’s nothing to talk about.”

“You ran for four hours yesterday because you were mad at me.”

“I didn’t run that whole time. I fell asleep on the beach.”

He studies my face, like he doesn’t believe me. “Okay, but if you start this again, we’re talking about it.”

He needs to stay out of this. I need to run until I get used to my new life. I admit I run when I can’t handle stuff, but it’s better than doing something destructive, like drinking. And right now, I need to burn off some stress. I’m feeling overwhelmed starting a new school, losing Harper, trying to be a good wife. I just need to run until I can get control again.

I lie down on the bed, turning my back to him. “I think I’ll take a nap. I’m tired.”

He lies behind me and I feel his arm around my middle, tugging me into him. “Then I’ll take one with you.”

“You don’t have to. Go watch TV or something.”

“No. I want to be here with you.” I feel him kiss the back of my head as he pulls me even closer. “I need you, Jade.”

“If that were true, you would’ve told me about your shoulder.”

“I’m sorry about that. I should’ve told you.” His voice is soft, more intimate than before. “I was trying to be strong for you. And for myself. I hate feeling weak, and this thing with my shoulder made me feel like I wasn’t as strong as I thought I was. So I kept fighting through the pain, trying to prove to myself that I was strong and could get past it. And I will get past it. I’ll see the doctor and get this fixed.”

“You don’t always have to be strong for me. Sometimes you can let me be the strong one for you.”

“I’m not there yet, okay? I don’t know if I ever will be. Maybe it’s a guy thing, but I need to be strong. I’m your husband and I love you and I will do anything to protect you. And I need to be strong to do that.”

“That doesn’t mean you can’t go to the doctor when you’re hurt. Or let me help you. Or at least tell me what’s going on instead of dealing with it by yourself.”

“I can’t explain it to you, Jade. I just wasn’t ready to tell you until today. I’m sorry for that but I can’t change it.”

“I want to be here for you, Garret. I don’t want us to keep secrets from each other.”

“I know.” He says it quietly. “I don’t either.”

I turn and lie on my back. Our eyes meet and I get the feeling we’re thinking the same thing so I just say it.

“What’s going on with us? I feel like everything got messed up when we moved here.”

He props himself up on his side and runs his hand along the side of my face. “I think it’s just a lot of changes all at once. Moving here. Starting a new school. Having to make new friends. How are you feeling about all that?”

“Truthfully?”

He laughs a little. “Well, yeah. We just said no secrets, right?”

I nod. “I’m scared.”

“What are you scared about?” He asks it with so much concern that it makes me wonder why I haven’t talked to him about this. Garret’s not just my husband. He’s also my best friend. And I should talk to him about this stuff. If I don’t, I’m being just like he was with his shoulder. Being secretive. Hiding stuff.

“Jade?” He’s still looking at me, waiting.

“I’m scared I won’t do well in my classes. I’m scared I won’t make any friends. I’m scared I won’t be a good wife to you.”

He sweeps his thumb over my cheek, his hand cradling my face. “Listen to me. You never have to worry about being a good wife. You’re already the best wife ever.”

“I don’t feel like I am.”

“Why? What do you think you need to do?”

“I don’t know. Maybe give you more space. Not make you feel like you have to take care of me. Let you do stuff other guys your age do.”

“I have plenty of space. And I want to take care of you. I like doing that. And I don’t feel like I’m missing out on anything being married. I don’t miss going to parties and getting drunk. I did all that during high school. It’s out of my system.”

“Then what do you need from me, Garret? How do I do this wife thing?”

“You don’t need to do anything. I don’t want you to try to change into whatever you think a wife should be. I love you just the way you are. And I love being married to you. I’m happier than I’ve ever been.”

“I am, too.” I smile.

His face remains serious. “Jade, tell me why you’re worried about school. You got all A’s last year. You have nothing to worry about.”

“The classes here are a lot harder than they were at Moorhurst. I looked online at last year’s syllabus for one of the classes I’ll be taking this semester and they move through the material really fast. What if I can’t keep up?”

He rolls his eyes. “Are you kidding? You’re super smart. I don’t know how you get through those science classes. I can’t understand any of that shit. All those diagrams of molecules in chem class? They look like stick drawings to me. They don’t even make sense.”

“I could teach you about them.” I’m kidding, but I say it like I’m not.

“That’s okay. I have no interest in science. The point is that I know you’ll do well. And you don’t have to get all A’s. Stop putting that pressure on yourself. When you graduate, nobody will go back and look at your college transcript to see how many A’s you got.”

“If I want to get into med school, they will.”

“You can get B’s and probably even some C’s and they’d still let you in.”

I shudder. “Don’t even bring up C’s. I can’t get a C.”

“The world won’t end if you get a C. Trust me. I’ve had plenty of them.”

“Well, I haven’t, and I don’t want to experience it.”

Just thinking about school makes me nervous. I declared a major this year and I picked chemistry. Most people who plan to go to med school major in biology, but I went with chemistry. I’m not even sure why. The advisor I met with last May suggested it, and at the time it sounded like a good idea. But now I’m panicking because I have to take two chem classes this fall in order to catch up on the requirements for chemistry majors. If you count the lab, it’s three classes.

The thing is, I’m not sure I’m that interested in chemistry but I felt like I had to pick a major. Now I kind of regret it. I haven’t told Garret this. I’ve decided to start classes first. Maybe once I’m taking the classes I’ll find I like chemistry more than I thought I did.

“So I see that I need to keep working on this with you,” Garret says.

“Working on what?”

“Keeping you from stressing out about your grades.”

“Yeah, good luck with that,” I mumble.

“Let’s talk about the friend thing. What scares you?”

“That the girls here won’t like me. That they’ll already have friends they made last year and won’t want any new ones. I’m not good at making friends, Garret. People don’t like me.”

“Stop saying that. It’s a self-fulfilling prophecy. You assume they don’t like you and people sense that and stay away. You need to be open to people. You need to stop assuming they don’t like you before they’ve even met you. There’s no reason for them not to like you.” He tickles my side and nuzzles my neck. “You’re cute. And sweet. And funny.”

I laugh and squirm away from his tickling hands. “Yeah, that’s what you think but you’re blinded by love.”

He stops tickling me. “You’re wrong. I thought you were all those things before I fell in love with you, even with that tough act you tried to hide behind last year. Now you’ve let that go and it’s even easier for people to see how great you are. People will want to be friends with you, Jade, if you let them.”

“Enough about me. Now you have to tell me what you’re afraid of.”

“I’m afraid I fucked up my shoulder for good and may never be able to compete again.”

“I know.” I lean over and gently kiss him. “And I hope that’s not true. I’m going to choose to believe that it’s not and that you’ll be okay.” I smile. “So what else you got?”

“Nothing. I’m not worried about classes or making friends. That shit doesn’t bother me.”

“I’m jealous. I wish I was that way.”

“You need to hang out with me more. My don’t-give-a-shit attitude will eventually rub off on you.”

I laugh. “You give a shit about some stuff.”

“Yeah, you. You’re basically all I worry about. Well, you and my shoulder.” He kisses me. “You feel better now?”

“A lot better.”

“Are we back to being us? And not whatever it was that we’ve been the past few days?”

“Yes. I’d say we’re definitely us again.”

“Let’s go do something.” He gets off the bed and holds his hand out.

I take it and let him pull me up. “What do you want to do?”

“Let’s take a drive. We’ll check out the area. See what’s around here. And I’ll get you some ice cream.”

“Why would you get me ice cream?”

“Ice cream makes everything better. You’ll see. You won’t be worried about shit anymore once you have ice cream.”

“I don’t think that’s true.”

“It’s true.” He leans down and kisses me, cupping his hand around my butt. “And you’re getting too skinny. All that running flattened your ass. I don’t like a flat ass, Jade.”

“My ass is not flat.”

“It will be if you keep running for hours and not eating ice cream.”

I laugh. “Okay, let’s go.”

He holds me in place. “I love you.”

“I know you do.” I smile, then break from his hold and walk off.

“Hey! Don’t you have something to say to me?”

I keep walking. “Not after you told me I had a flat ass!”

I hear him laughing. “I was kidding. I love your ass!”

“Yeah, whatever. I’ll see you in the car.”