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CHAPTER THIRTY-FOUR

GARRET

I wake up to the sound of a guy yelling “…just $19.95, plus we’ll throw in this handy chopper AND this spiral-bound cookbook. It’s a value worth—” I click the TV off, leaving the room dark except for the moonlight filtering in through the blinds that are still open.

I look down and see Jade sleeping soundly on my chest. She’s looks so peaceful when she sleeps. A few times when I’ve been awake at night, I’ve heard her mumble something and I’ve looked over to see her smiling and it makes me wonder what she’s dreaming about. I’ve asked her but she said she doesn’t remember her dreams.

Tonight she’s not smiling or mumbling. She’s just sleeping contently, her face just under my chin and her arm tucked into her side and resting on my chest. I kiss the top of her head and watch her for a moment, noticing how beautiful she looks in the soft moonlight. Sometimes I still can’t believe she’s my wife. That she’s all mine.

I love that she’s mine. That she chose me as the person she wants to be with for the rest of her life. Sometimes I feel overwhelmed by the responsibility of that. I want to be the husband Jade deserves but I’m not quite sure what that means. All I know is that I want to make her happy. I want the pain and the sadness she had for all those years before I met her to go away, and I want all the years ahead of her, the ones we’ll share together, to be filled with only good memories. I know that’s not realistic. We’ll have our ups and downs, but I want the good to far outweigh the bad and I’ll do all I can to make sure of that.

I love Jade more than I thought it was possible to love another person. I finally know how my dad felt about my mom. I remember how my dad used to look at her and I know he loved her just as much as I love Jade.

I can’t imagine how hard it was for him to lose my mom. How devastating it was when he got that call saying she was gone. It was bad enough for me, but it was different for him. I’m sure if I asked him, he wouldn’t even be able to explain how he felt when she died. I’m sure that type of grief is something you can’t put into words. I know I wouldn’t be able to if something like that happened to Jade. And I’ve only known her a year. My dad was with my mom for 12 years. He loved her, like I love Jade, for 12 years and then she was gone.

I see my dad so much differently now. I understand him more. I don’t approve of the way he turned his back on me after she died, but I kind of understand it. My mom and I are a lot alike, and to my dad, I was a constant reminder she was gone. So he avoided me. He kept his distance, spending all his time at work. At a time when I needed him the most, he abandoned me.

My grandfather deserves some of the blame for how my dad treated me all those years. After my mom died, my grandfather retired and forced my dad to take over the business. And he told my dad he had to be stricter with me. That’s when our relationship completely fell apart. My dad started trying to control every aspect of my life, just like his father did with him. Even today, my grandfather still controls my dad. He’s a master manipulator and he knows it and takes pleasure in that role.

As much as I complain about my dad, he’s never treated me as badly as my grandfather’s treated him. When my dad married my mom, my grandfather wouldn’t speak to him for years. Then when he finally did, their conversations were nothing more than my grandfather telling my dad what a disappointment he was, how he’d disgraced the Kensington name by marrying my mom, and how he was a complete failure as a son.

I remember hearing those conversations when I was a kid and I had to tune them out. I loved my dad and I couldn’t stand hearing my grandfather talk to him that way. And I didn’t want to believe my grandfather was the type of person who would say those things. So I’d hide in my room and turn the TV on so I couldn’t hear them.

For years, I pretended those conversations never happened. I pretended my grandfather was the person I wanted him to be. The kind, loving grandfather every kid wants. The kind who takes you fishing and buys you toy race cars and takes you to baseball games. But he was never that grandfather. He’s always been distant and reserved, showing little emotion, but not needing to because his words and his actions say enough.

Growing up, my grandfather didn’t lecture me as much as he lectured my dad, but he did constantly remind me that being a Kensington is a privilege and that I always need to act in a way that protects and upholds our family name. So he was pissed last spring when I did all that stuff to ruin my image. Of course none of that was real, but my grandfather thought it was and he blames my dad for it. He blames Jade, too. He thinks she’s destroyed my life and my future. That’s why he acted the way he did last Fourth of July, refusing to speak to Jade and me.

I used to work my ass off trying to get my grandfather’s approval but now I’ve given up. He’ll never approve of me as long as I’m married to Jade. And if he’s making me choose between Jade and him, I will always choose Jade.

I look down as Jade adjusts herself on my chest, her hand lightly gripping my t-shirt. I need to get her to bed. I can’t see what time it is, but judging from the infomercial that was on TV, I’m guessing it’s the middle of the night.

I sit up a little and rotate just enough so that I can reach under her legs and lift her up. Her head flops forward and one of her arms falls down under her, hanging there as I walk to the bedroom. I carefully set her down on the bed and slip her shorts off. She can sleep in the tank she’s wearing. I pull back the covers and gently slide her over onto the sheet.

“Garret?” Her arm moves over the mattress like she’s looking for me in her sleep. She always does this. If I get up in the night to get a drink of water, I come back and find her arm sprawled over the sheet, trying to find me.

I drop my shorts to the floor, yank my t-shirt off, and slip in bed beside her. “I’m right here,” I whisper.

She scoots closer until she finds my chest. I move my arm out and she lays her head just under my shoulder. Her leg hooks around mine and her arm drapes over my middle. It’s not the most comfortable position, at least not for me. I’m basically trapped now until she moves. But I’ll wait until she falls back to sleep, then I’ll gently roll her off me and we’ll lie together on our sides, like we always do.

“Goodnight,” I whisper, pulling the blanket over us.

“I love you,” she whispers back.

I don’t think she’s fully awake, but it’s good to know she loves me in her sleep as well.

“I love you, too, Jade. More than you’ll ever know.”

It’s true. I’ll never be able to tell Jade how much I love her because there aren’t words for it. But I plan to spend the rest of my life showing her. Maybe that’s what it means to be a good husband. To not just tell your wife, but to show her how much you love her. I tried to do that in the time I spent as her boyfriend. And I will continue to try to as her husband because Jade means everything to me and I want her to feel loved. It’s something she still struggles with sometimes because of the way she grew up. It took me forever to convince her she was worthy of being loved and to accept the fact that people love her. Frank. Ryan. Grace. Me. Even after I told her I loved her last November, I don’t think she really believed it until months later.

Jade’s come a long way since last year but she still has a ways to go. After what she went through with her mom, she still has trouble believing people actually care about her. It’s just another reason why I need to always show her how much I love her. I don’t want her to ever doubt that.

It’s been a few minutes and I gently move Jade onto her side, then pull her into my chest and wrap my arm around her. Having her tucked safely in my arms, my mind and my body relax and I fall back to sleep.

When I wake up again, the sun is shining through the window, lighting up the entire room. I stretch my arms out and notice Jade’s not there.

“Jade?”

She doesn’t answer. Maybe she’s in the bathroom. Sometimes she likes to brush her teeth before our daily tradition of wake-up sex. But the bathroom door is open and it looks dark in there.

“Jade?” I push the covers off and start to get up. “Are you in the kitchen?”

“Yeah, I was getting some water.” I hear her voice, then see her come into the bedroom wearing running shorts and a sports bra, her skin slick with sweat, her hair in a ponytail and one of the headbands I gave her last Easter.

“Where were you?”

“I was out running.” She climbs on the bed and kisses me. “I got up early and decided to go for a run on the beach. It was great. The weather’s a lot cooler this morning.”

“You shouldn’t run by yourself early in the morning. There aren’t enough people out. Wait until later. Or wake me up and I’ll go with you.”

“You hate running.”

“Doesn’t matter. I don’t like you out there alone. If you want to run, I’ll run with you.”

“Garret, there are no crazy killers out on the beach. We’re in a small college town and this is a private beach. I’m perfectly safe.”

She doesn’t get it. Jade doesn’t get how much I worry about her. The world is not a safe place, especially for women, and especially for small, cute, young women who are barely dressed. I wish the world wasn’t like that, but it is.

I also worry because what happened last spring is still fresh in my mind. The organization let me go, but what if they’re still watching me? What if they’re watching Jade? What if they decide to do something to her to punish me for ruining their plan?

My dad keeps telling me not to worry, but I know he only says that because he wants me to relax and enjoy college and my new life with Jade.

I don’t believe him when he says we’re safe. I don’t trust the men from the organization or the people they work with. That’s why I constantly keep a close watch around me. I keep a close eye on Jade. I always check to see if anyone’s following us. I always lock the doors. I even check the cars for listening devices. Maybe it won’t always be this way, but for now, it’s what I need to do.

“Jade, please do not go running out there alone again early in the morning. I don’t mind going with you. I really don’t.”

“I didn’t want to wake you up. You needed your rest. I could tell you were tired from the move. What time did we end up going to bed last night?”

“I’m not sure. We both fell asleep watching TV. When I woke up I took you to bed.”

“You got me to bed without waking me up? That’s a skill.”

“You didn’t wake up?”

“I don’t think so. Why? Did you think I was awake? Was I talking in my sleep?”

I smile. “A little.”

“Garret.” She pushes my shoulder back. “What did I say? Was it embarrassing?”

“You said something about how you wanted to have sex with me and couldn’t wait until morning.” I shrug. “I told you you’d have to wait. I was tired.”

She looks like she really believes me. “You turned me down? Seriously? I can’t believe you didn’t wake me up.”

I laugh. “You’re right. If you’d said that, I totally would’ve woken you up.”

“What did I really say in my sleep?”

“It doesn’t matter.” I gaze down at her neon green sports bra, then down to her flat, tan stomach still dotted with sweat. I get out of bed and haul her up over my shoulder, my hands cupping her tight little ass as I walk to the bathroom. “Let’s get you in the shower, dirty girl.”

“I’m not dirty. I’m sweaty.”

“You’re both. You’re sweaty because you ran and you’re dirty because you were having sex dreams last night.” I reach in and turn the shower on.

“You just said you were making that up.”

“Whatever. I know you dream about us having sex.” I set her down and hold the shower door open.

“Maybe sometimes.” She strips her bra and shorts off. “So you want to make my dreams come true?”

“Always.” I follow her into the shower. And our morning tradition continues.