Page 88 of Fathers of the Bride

“Too late!”

“Andy, how could you?” Miles said.

“I’m sorry,” I said. “I had to do something. Martha was not the right maid of honor.”

“I think you should leave our niece out of this,” Pudge said. Then smugly added, “No one’s ever called her Evil Martha.”

Two large men arrived—from where I had no idea—and peeled Evil Kayla up off the floor. As she was dragged away, she yelled, “I hope you loved that dress because it’s ruined now!”

That brought a moment of silence. Kelly had obviously loved the dress. It was perfect for her. Or at least it was before it was turned into a lace and tulle Jackson Pollack. She couldn’t possibly—

“Can it be saved?” Kelly asked Timpani.

“Probably not. These are delicate fabrics. They may not stand up to the kind of cleaning necessary. And… I’m not even sure what this is. It’s a little sticky.”

“We’ll pay for the dress, of course,” Miles said.

“What? No,” I insisted. “They’ve got insurance, I’m sure. And it was an honest mistake.”

“We do have insurance. Our policy in situations like this is to prosecute the perpetrator.”

“You have a policy for situations like this?” I asked.

“Yes. This kind of thing happens more often than you’d think. People get a little high strung around weddings.”

I turned back to my husband and daughter. They were still clearly angry at me—as were Pudge and Lissa, and Martha, and Raj. Even Jeffery seemed annoyed.

“Papa, how did you even find her?” Kelly asked.

“Oh, uh, yellow pages.”

“Under what?” Miles asked. “Rent-A-Bridesmaid?”

Oh crap, I was going to have to tell the truth. “Helene Barker sent me the alumni contact list.”

“Helene Barker? She’s at the North Pole. How did you—”

Now I was really caught. “I may have looked at the contacts on your old laptop.”

“Papa.”

“You spied on our daughter?” Miles asked, clearly appalled.

“No, I did not! I merely looked at her contacts from high school. I didn’t read her emails or texts or look at her search history. Okay?”

“You don’t get any credit for that.”

“Well, I should.”

Actually, had I gone ahead and invaded my daughter’s privacy, I might have avoided the whole fiasco.

“Jeffery, why are you being so quiet?” Pudge asked. “These people are behaving badly. You should admonish them.”

“Once again, bad behavior that doesn’t include a racial, ethnic, gender or sexuality component is not my purview.”

“Ack, you are useless.” She turned to Kelly and said, “Kelly, dear, we’re here for you. If you want us to take over the wedding planning we—”

“Wait!” Miles said. “I didn’t do anything.”