Page 67 of Fathers of the Bride

That afternoon,I walked into the condo and the first thing Raj said was, “The proposal is trending. I’m gaining scads of followers again. Everyone’s forgotten the whole African dress fiasco. I can’t believe Pudge and Lissa would do something that dumb.”

I shook my head. Obviously, it was now their idea, rather than his.

“Raj, what were you thinking? Proposing? You don’t believe in marriage. As I recall, it’s the definition of heteronormative.”

“I know that,” he said without looking up from his phone. “I don’t believe in beige either but if beige sofas were popular I’d buy one.” He looked frightened for a moment and asked, “They’re not popular though, are they?”

“Wait a minute. You want to get married because it’s trendy?”

“Well—no. I proposed because it solved a problem. But now I’m thinking maybe weshouldget married. Kim Kardashian made like twenty million when she married that basketball player. I’d be happy with one million. You could get us a million, couldn’t you? Five hundred thousand? Two hundred?”

“I slept with Miles,” I said, hoping that would end the marriage talk. It did make him look up from his phone. He gave me his sad face, the one I’d caught him practicing in the mirror.

“I figured. Hopefully, that will make the divorce easier.”

“I’m not sure there will be a divorce.”

“But we’re getting married. We can’t get married if you’re still married to Miles.”

“Yes, I understand how that works.”

“We can’tnotget married. The proposal video got me a hundred thousand extra followers. I crossed a million, finally. My followers are going to expect things. Engagement parties, bachelor parties, rehearsal dinners, gifts—for God’s sake Andrew, these people will send us gifts! All you have to do is get divorced and marry me.”

“Raj, I’m not in love with you. I don’t think I’ve ever been in love with you.”

“Whatever. This isn’t about love; this is about business. We need to register. Where should we register?”

“So, you’re not in love with me, either?”

He shrugged that off. “I thought I was. Last year. For a while. But then it passed.” The last bit made me feel like our entire relationship had been a bad bout of nausea. He forged on, “There are wedding registry sites. Can you get us a deal with one of them?”

“Why are we still together?” I asked.

“We’re a brand, we’re #randrew. I thought you understood that?” He was clicking into his phone.

Did I understand that? I mean, it was my business, so I should have. But honestly, I don’t think I did. Not fully. I’d thought we had a relationship that we were exploiting, not having a relationship in order to exploit it.

“Oh yeah, these registry places all charge a fee. You’ll need to get them to wave that. Wait, which one is best for LGBTQ…”

“Raj, I think I need to move out.”

For a moment, he looked crestfallen, and I thought, maybe I’m wrong, maybe he does care. But then he asked, “You’ll still pay half the mortgage, right?”

I didn’t answer that. He made plenty of money, he could pay his own mortgage. Instead, I went into the bedroom and started to pack a bag. While I packed, I called Kelly from our landline. Yes, it was the perfect way to discourage Raj from coming into the bedroom and continuing our very unpleasant conversation…and, I wanted to find out what had happened to her at the engagement party.

“Hello, sweetheart,” I said when she picked up. “How are you this morning?”

“Relieved.”

“Glad the engagement party is over?” Hint. Hint.

“Glad I didn’t end up on the Internet like every other single person in the family.”

“You don’t need to sound so judgmental when you say that.”

“Papa, you’re not really going to marry Raj, are you?”

I wasn’t sure how to answer that. Miles hadn’t wanted her to know I was with him that morning—and the previous night. What would he want me to say? It seemed we had a big old mess on our hands. One that should probably not include our daughter. I decided the situation called for evasion.