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Chapter thirty-five

Cecilia

I wish I really was Dracula.

~ One Week Later ~

All I’ve done is cry. But it’s not like last time, I don’t shut down and block the world out. No, this time I embrace the pain and let it take over.

During the day, I try to control my outbursts. But I’m not always successful. I’ve thrown things, broken glasses and plates. I’ve had meltdowns so bad the Burkley’s housekeeper had to take my screaming body into her arms while urgently calling Morgan to get home.

Just two days ago, I wandered into their home gym, thinking working out would help take some anger out of me.

But that didn’t go as planned. After ten minutes on the treadmill, I lost my cool and ransacked the room.

Taking weights and throwing them at the floor-to-ceiling mirrors, knocking over racks, and ripping up mats.

An hour later, Morgan showed up and found me in a fetal position in the middle of the chaos, bawling my eyes out.

I felt so guilty after that incident. I’ve caused them so much trouble in just a week, I can’t even imagine what it will be like a month from now. Because I know it won’t get better, no matter how many times everyone tells me it will.

What Silas and I have doesn’t just go away magically.

They keep telling me it’s okay and not to worry about all the damage I’ve caused. That it’s normal to react this way, that the wound is still fresh, and my body needs a way to let out the emotions it’s been bottling in since everything started.

Two days after I moved out, my car showed up in the driveway.

I know it was Silas. He’s been messaging and calling since I left, but I never answer.

Instead, I torture myself and read every message, listen to every voicemail on repeat.

I know it’s not healthy, but I don’t know how to stop.

Even if I know this is for the best, I still love him. I still miss him .

I quit my job the very next day. Amanda called me and offered me more time off, but I couldn’t do that to her again. This is different. I don’t need time to sort through this and get better. This won’t get better, not anytime soon.

So I told her I’d find time to clear my office and that I was sorry for all the problems I’ve caused her since the beginning of the year. To which she replied that I was always welcome back when I was ready.

I just finished clearing my desk when Emma walks in with Steve, both with a doleful expression.

“No, please. I’m barely holding it together...” My voice cracks as I turn away.

“Babe, you don’t need to hold it together. Not for us,” Steve says softly, voice filled with sympathy.

They come to my back and hug me from each side, causing me to break down once more in my office. I try hard to stay quiet, but eventually I hear Emma telling someone I’ll be okay, so I know we’ve gathered attention.

“All right, let’s all get back to work, please,” Amanda calls from behind us.

The sound of footsteps echoes as people retreat from my embarrassingly pathetic scene. “You guys, too. Emma, you can wait outside the door to help her bring her things down. I’d like to have a moment with Cecilia, alone.”

Steve and Em both hug me tight, then step away, closing the door behind them. I clean myself up quickly with the back of my sleeve, even if that won’t hide the evidence of my meltdown.

Amanda comes to stand before me, placing her hands on my arms and rubbing up and down.

“I know this is hard and you feel like your world is being ripped apart. But it won’t always be like this, Cece.

You are one of the strongest women I know.

You’ve already been through so much, and yet you still stand tall. ”

She offers me a soft smile as she continues. “You’ll get through this too with time. Day by day it will hurt less, and eventually you’ll start getting better. You’ll come out on top of this, whether it’s by his side or alone. You’ll make it because you are a force, nothing can take you down.”

“It feels like this took me down pretty hard.” I blink through tears and steady my shaky breath.

“No, Cecilia. This hasn’t taken you down, it’s simply dimmed your light. And when you get out on the other side, you’ll shine brighter than ever. I know you will. You just need to remember that.” She brushes my hair out of my face and tucks it behind my ear.

“Now go home. Take the time you need to cry it out, and then figure out what you want to do. But know that there’s no shame in going back to him if that’s what you want.

You two love each other, and this was an unfortunate event, but it doesn’t have to mean it’s the end.

You just need to figure out if it’s all worth it or not.

And no matter what you choose, no one will judge you. If they do, fuck them.”

My eyes grow wide at her choice of word. Amanda never swears, so it catches me off guard.

“My door is always open. Whether it’s for work, a recommendation, or simply a friend. I’m here for you.” She wraps her arms around me, then lets go and motions for Emma to come back inside.

We gather the rest of my stuff and head to my car. The one Silas bought for me as a birthday gift. The one that makes me cry every time I see it.

I make my way home and manage to stay focused most of the drive. But as I turn into Morgan and Clay’s neighborhood, the one with the home Silas and I bought together, my mind begins to drift.

I go over what Amanda said in my old office. How it doesn’t have to be the end. But I don’t know if it’s a situation I could live with without it affecting our relationship. It’s already had such a big impact...

Would I be able to accept this child? Would I be able to love it like it deserves? Or would I push it away every time it seeks out love from me because it would remind me of how it was created?

Questions run through my mind until I pull up in the driveway and park.

I’m about to step out when movement catches my attention.

I look up and find Silas standing by the trunk of his SUV with his duffle bag over his shoulder.

His beard hasn’t been trimmed in a while, and he has dark circles under his eyes.

Oh, God. What have I done? Why am I here?

I must have driven on autopilot without realizing it and went home. My real home. I cry out and hurry to put the car in reverse and speed out of there as quickly as I can, tires screeching against the asphalt. I don’t look back. I don’t look to see if he’s still standing there.

I can’t.

Five minutes later, I arrive at the Burkley residence and park my car. But I don’t make it out. My broken heart takes over while I scream and cry, hitting every surface on the inside of my car.

A minute later, the front door opens, and Clay stands in the entrance with the phone to his ear. He hangs up and rushes down to my SUV, yanking the door open, unbuckling me, and picking me up in his arms.

I give up the fight against my emotions and let them swallow me whole, bawling my eyes out in his arms .

He sits down on the pavement right beside my open car door with me in his lap. I’m losing control, yelling at him, hitting him, trying to get out of his hold. But he won’t let up. He forces my arms between our chests and squeezes his tightly around me, making it impossible for me to move.

Eventually, my body goes limp, sagging against his. I cry so loud I’m sure all the neighbors can hear me, but I don’t care. There’s no way I could stop.

Another car pulls up beside us, and from the little I can see, it appears to be Morgan. She rushes over to our side as my sobbing lessens to soundless cries.

“Oh, no... what happened?” she asks.

“I’m not sure, Hayes called me worried. Said she showed up at the house but seemed lost and drove out of there like a maniac when she realized where she was. When I came to look outside, I found her losing it in her car.” Clay continues to hold me in a death grip.

“Clay, I don’t like this... maybe we should get her some help.”

“Babe, the last thing she needs right now is someone else meddling in her business. It’s been a week, give her some time.”

I begin to doze off while I listen to their hushed voices, my body entirely drained of energy. Clay loosens his hold on me and repositions me, placing his arm under my knees and the other spanning my upper back. My head rests in the crook of his neck.

“She’s falling asleep, let’s get her inside and in bed. I think a long nap could do her some good. Can you grab her things from the car?” Clay says as he somehow manages to stand from the ground without dropping me.

He’s not wrong, I’m in deep need of a good sleep; my nights have been anything but. I wake up most of the time in the early hours screaming or crying, my dreams turning to nightmares every time I close my eyes. But right now, I’m too exhausted to dream, too exhausted to think.

I’m so exhausted that Clay doesn’t even make it past the threshold, and I’ve already left this world.

SILA S

~ Two Weeks Later ~

I don’t know what to do anymore, I don’t know how to fix this. She won’t speak to me. She won’t answer my messages. I’m losing my goddamn mind.

Seeing her come up the driveway two weeks ago freaked me out. At first, I thought I was hallucinating, but after rubbing my eyes and doing a 360 on the spot, I realized I wasn’t.

Her focus wasn’t on me though, her body was there, but her mind clearly wasn’t. And when she took in her surroundings and drove off like a madwoman, I nearly lost it. I was worried sick about her.

What if she got into an accident? What if she did something like hurt herself...

I called Clay immediately, and when he told me she had just pulled up but hung up quickly with “SHIT!” being the last word he spoke, I was both relieved and freaked out.

I called back a couple of times, and it took him nearly an hour to finally reach back with news that she had a meltdown in the driveway and was now asleep in bed.