Page 6

“ A re you still thinking about the Irish?” Peyton asks as I slump my ass on the mattress and start taking off my boots. She steadily crawls up behind me, planting kisses on my neck, while her dainty hands try to knead the tension outta my shoulders.

“I have a lot on my mind right now,” I croak, lifting off my shirt and standing up to unbuckle my belt. My girl is looking hot-as-fuck with her pretty, lace panties poking out from under one of my old band t-shirts, and she’s got that look in her eye.

“Wanna lose yourself for a little while, Prez?” She rests back on her elbows and spreads her legs wide open.

“I’m tired, darlin’,” I tell her, looking away and trying not to get more frustrated than I already am. I know my answer is gonna disappoint her, and that's the last thing I wanna do, but right now I have to keep my head focused.

“Raze.” Peyton sits herself back up in a more modest position, and I can tell just from her tone that there’s a serious talk coming. “Are you having second thoughts about us making a baby?” she asks softly, looking as if she’s about to cry.

Hell, I don’t want her to cry.

“What would make you think that?” I ask, taking a cigarette from the packet and resting it between my lips.

“Well, there is a fundamental thing a couple has to do to make it happen.” She stands up and moves toward me, taking the cigarette outta my mouth and crushing it in the ashtray. “And you said you were gonna cut down on these,” she points out, reminding me that she doesn’t forget a thing.

“I have cut down,” I tell her, taking a fresh one and lighting it with my Zippo.

“You did for a little while, but lately you’ve been smoking more than ever. You know that article said it lowers your sperm count.” Her fingers pitter-patter across my open jeans, and I take her by the wrist and hold her steady.

“Darlin’, I’ve been smokin’ since I was twelve years old. I don't think it’s gonna make much of a difference.”

“It might help.” She looks up at me through her lashes and bites her lip, before moving away and picking up the book she’s been reading.

“What’s that supposed to mean?” I bite, despite my intentions not to let this turn into an argument.

“Raze, we’ve been trying for a while now, aren’t you getting a little bit worried that nothing’s happened?”

“What? No.” I shake my head at her like she’s crazy. “You're just being impatient.”

“Impatient? I think I’m the most patient woman in the world right now,” she snaps back.

“Okay, what's the underlying meaning of that?” I shake my head and take another drag of my cigarette.

“I don’t know, Raze, what do you think?” She holds up her hands. “You're distant, you're constantly in a bad mood. We’re supposed to be trying for a baby, and I haven’t seen your dick in a week.”

“In case you hadn’t noticed, a lot has been going on around here. The hits just keep on fuckin’ comin’ and I have to keep up with ‘em,” I tell her. “I’m sorry if knocking you up isn’t top of my priorities right now.” I instantly regret my choice of words when I see her bottom lip start to wobble.

“Pey, I’m sor–”

“Don’t say you're sorry if you don’t mean it.

” She holds her finger up to silence me.

“There’s never gonna be a good time to do this, Raze.

I get that the club has to take priority, and I know the pressure you're under. I just thought we both wanted this.” Her voice goes all soft and sweet, and I feel myself weaken.

“Answer my question, are you having second thoughts?” She takes my hand in hers and looks down at where we touch.

“Sweetheart, I don’t have to tell you how much I love you,” I start, rubbing my thumb against the soft skin covering mine.

“With all that's happening right now, do you really think it’s a good idea to throw a kid into the mix?” I watch her eyes fill up with tears and feel like a cunt for what I’m saying.

“Wrath and Eden are doing it. Alicia’s doing it by herself.” She frowns. “Lettie came from the enemy, and she’s choosing to stay here with Rory.”

“That’s all choices they made, darlin. I’m just suggesting we think about this a little harder. Long Beach is nowhere near where I want it to be yet, and–”

“This was your idea, Raze. You were the one who suggested we start a family, and now you’ve got me all excited to the ide.

..” She drops her hand from mine and grips her hair in frustration.

“Sometimes you make me feel as if I’m losing my mind.

” She backs away from me and sits on the edge of the bed.

“That’s not my intention, you know how I feel about you.

I just think we should hold off on baby making for a while.

” I run my hand over my face, knowing that my words are gonna be crushing her.

Peyton’s right, she’s been getting real excited about the idea of being a mom, she’s planned out all the things our kid would do with Wrath and Eden’s kid.

She even has a list of names she likes written out around here somewhere.

“I just don’t understand why you would be so keen to do something, then change your mind.” She shrugs sadly.

“Listen, I gotta head back to the club for a while, there's something I forgot to do before I left.” I make an excuse so I can get the hell outta here. Seeing my girl sad only makes me angrier.

“Okay,” she whispers, pulling back the covers and climbing beneath them.

“I love ya, Peyton,” I tell her before I leave.

“I love you, too,” she answers, pulling a tiny smile to her lips before turning her back and resting her head on the pillow.

Even the goddamn bird judges me as I leave her and make my way back to the club.

The lights are still on, but only Saint and Ruckus are in the barroom when I step inside.

“What ya doin’ back here? I saw the look your old lady had in her eye when ya left. Can’t tell me you're finished already.” Ruck laughs, then blows down the cocked barrel of the sawn-off shotgun he’s cleaning.

“What time do you boys take over from Dev and Vike?” I ask, heading to the bar to pour myself a whiskey. I left Wrath in charge of putting together the schedule, so I’m clueless.

“Not till four am,” Ruck answers, not looking thrilled at the idea.

“So where’s ya girl?” I know for a fact Ruck wouldn’t have left her alone in the apartment above the gym. Not while we have a psycho on our streets killing women.

“She’s staying here tonight. Polly made up a room for her and Alicia. Vike’s out there now, and she didn’t want to go home alone,” he explains, and I nod back at him.

“I understand that.” I clutch the glass I’m holding a little tighter when I think about another huge fuckin’ problem that needs solving.

I haven’t got the manpower to have someone on the gate twenty-four/seven and watch the shipping yard. But I do have Tawk, Sasquatch, and Rocco all residing at the motel.

“You know, this shift work is lame as fuck. We ain’t gettin’ no intel. I say we crash a cage through the gates, raid the joint, and leave Wrath and Dev to get creative. Hell, we could even let your old man at ‘em. I’m sure Vex has plenty of tricks still left in him,” Ruck points out.

“Someone's thirsty for a fight.” Saint sniggers at me.

“I just don’t like hanging around and waiting on shit. I’m a strike first kinda guy and after what those cunts did to us on the road, I’m fuckin’ ready to unl–”

“Burlusconi needs to be sure that the person behind all this is who he thinks it is. We just need a few more days… max,” I promise. “What are you even doing here. You two still have a few hours before the shift swap.” I look up at the clock on the wall, it’s only just past one am.

“Saint here's too scared to go home in case his landlady comes a knockin’.” Ruck reaches across the table and ruffles up Saint's hair.

“You behind on your rent?” I check. The club may have had its troubles lately, but we’ve been earning big. All the boys have been well compensated.

“No, Sinner makes sure of that, don’t he, Saint?” Ruck keeps the wide grin on his face while Saint shudders. I have no idea what the fuck they’re talkin’ about, and if Sinner’s involved, I don’t think I want to.

“I noticed Corey here earlier, was he askin’ you to give him a shot at prospect again?” Saint rapidly changes the subject.

“He was hinting at it,” I admit, knowing that Saint and Dev are close. They came here from Nebraska together, and Dev’s about the only person I know who's ever gotten through to Saint’s other personality, Sinner.

Saint is sure to take Dev’s side on the way he’s been handling his brother, but I can’t help thinking that he’s making a mistake.

“Dev needs to loosen up, Corey ain’t a kid no more.

He’s entitled to make his own choices, just like we have.

” Ruck snaps the barrel back shut before placing his gun on the table.

“We need a prospect, Polly can’t keep up with the bar on her own, and you know how she feels about cleaning all you dirty fuckers’ cum off the couches. ” He raises an eyebrow at Saint.

“And whose cum do you think she’s cleaned up the most of, huh?” He comes right back at him.

“We could just enforce the rule Wrath wanted in place,” I remind them. “There are perfectly good rooms right across the yard, ain’t no need to be doing your business in here for us all to see.”

“Fine by me, boss, I’m a changed man. There's only one girl getting her lips around this weapon these days, and that’s a private show. But you know how Sinner gets off on an audience, you really gonna take that away from him?” Ruck shrugs.

“The club’s changed, Sinner has to accept that.” Saint sits back in his chair, thoughtfully..

“Sssshhhh. That’s the kinda shit that gets you taken away from us.” Ruck warns before standing up and heading toward me.

“You do have a point, though; this place is becoming much more family-friendly. We got a kid living in the motel now, won’t be long before there's a couple more running around. Who knows, there might even be a mini Ruckus in the near future.” He laughs to himself, and I roll my eyes.

“Hey, don’t look like that, boss. I hear you and Peyton got plans, too. ”

“Where ya hear that?” I snap back far too quickly.

“The girls talk, Raze. Ain’t nothin’ off the table with them,” he reminds me. I love how close the girls have become, but I don’t know how I feel about everyone around here knowing my private business.

“I say we put Wrath's rule to another vote, I’m getting sick of having to see Sinner’s chopper.” Ruckus takes us back to the subject we were on before.

“Hey, that's my chopper too,” Saint pipes up, looking offended.

“It ain’t when it’s going into Mrs. Kirby.” Ruckus winks.

“You're just jealous that your old lady can’t keep her eyes off it.” Saint covers his hand over his mouth to hide his smirk.

“Now why in hell would my old lady wanna look at that when she’s got prime fuckin’ T-bone, right here?” Ruck grabs his junk through his jeans.

“I’ll be in my office if anyone needs me.” I leave them to fight it out because I ain’t in a tolerable mood. Times like these, I’m much better off alone.

I light myself another cigarette, watching the end burn cherry-red as I inhale. I guess it don't matter how much of these I smoke now, either way I’m gonna hurt Peyton’s feelings. I could take the gun out my top drawer and put a bullet through my own skull for that.

My girl deserves better than the life I’m giving her. She’s still so young, she wouldn’t even be thinking about having kids if it wasn’t for me. I’m the one who was pushing for us to make a family together, and now that she’s on board, I’m the one slamming on the brakes.

I massage my temple, hating myself for fuckin’ with her head. It’s just one of the many mistakes I’ve made lately, and I need to start thinking smarter. I need to be a better leader for the club and a better man for Peyton.

I can already feel myself starting to lose her, and I don’t know what I’d do if that happened.