Page 26

September

Alice

I managed to avoid Jordan for almost a month and a half, but I’m running out of excuses.

I’ve skipped family dinners, claiming I had to put finishing touches on my book.

I’ve also skipped visiting training camp, instead volunteering to babysit Valerie so Robbie and Olivia could have an extended kid-free weekend away.

The eight-month-old baby is staring at me with her wide green eyes as I change her diaper, giggling as I tickle her sides.

I want one so bad, my ovaries might actually explode.

But seeing as I don’t have a serious relationship, and the one person I’ve ever loved is the exact person I’ve been avoiding recently, I’ll stay content babysitting my adorable niece.

“Who’s the best baby in the whole world?” I singsong, and little Val flaps her arms at me to pick her up. I do so and hold her with one arm, snapping a selfie with the other and sending it to the group chat.

Alice

We’re about to have the time of our lives watching Disney movies.

Olivia

Aw, my favorite girls. :)

Robbie

Make sure she eats enough.

Robbie

And make sure she doesn’t pull on Caramel’s tail too much, he scratched her the other day.

I roll my eyes at my overprotective brother.

I think out of the two of them, he was the one most reluctant to leave Val alone with me for the weekend.

Olivia’s had to make a few trips already for a referee camp this summer, and she’s prepared to be gone during the season too, as her job will take her all over the Midwest.

My brother, however, takes the job of stay-at-home dad very seriously.

Alice

Okay, dad. She’s in good hands, don’t worry. Enjoy your weekend.

My phone pings again, but it’s not the group chat this time. It’s a text from Jordan.

Jordan

I hope you didn’t skip this weekend because of me.

I scowl and leave it on read, just like all the texts he’s sent me since January.

For a while there, he got the hint, leaving me alone.

But ever since he moved back, he’s started to pester me again.

He makes it impossible for me to move on, and I dread the day that I’ll actually have to talk to him again in person.

Jordan

I’m not staying at the cabin.

I roll my eyes and think about texting back, but I’m worried that once I do, he’ll find some way to burrow himself back into my life. I’ve got enough to deal with as it is, the last thing I want is to let him in again.

Jordan

Everyone else has gathered here for a bonfire—Ash and Eli, Robbie and Olivia, even Alex and Malia are here, alongside my sister and Michael.

My nieces are already asleep in the basement, and the whole cabin is full.

Even though the place is crowded, Alice’s absence is palpable. Or am I the only one feeling it?

“I really like the guy, he’d be a great fit for running the program here,” Alex says, taking a sip of his IPA and adjusting the black baseball cap on his head.

Robbie throws another couple logs in the fire and nods. “I agree, he’s dedicated and seems to genuinely want to give back to the community and help kids.”

“What are we talking about?” Ash asks, carrying a tray of fruit and cheeses, placing it on a table by the cooler.

“Alex and Robbie are enamored. Got themselves a boyfriend,” Malia snickers, making fun of the guys, who have been constantly talking about this new guy—Jason.

“Oh yeah, what’s he like?” I ask.

“Har-har,” Robbie says, sitting in the hammock next to Olivia. “We’ve been talking about expanding the youth program. The community here has always shown up for us at training camp, and it would be a good spot to try a pilot program.”

“Jason’s one of the guys we’ve been interviewing to run the local program, maybe even coaching the kids,” Alex supplies, pulling his wife into his lap. “I think he’s got what it takes, even if he’s a little young at twenty-one.”

“You know who else has got what it takes?” Ash asks, squeezing my shoulders. “This guy. Congrats on your first day as assistant coach, man.”

“Thanks,” I mumble, peeling the label off my beer and avoiding everyone’s eyes.

“You looked amazing out there,” Robbie says, and I lift my gaze to him. He nods and I crack a smile. “It’s good to have you back.”

“It’s good to be back,” I say, and bite back my emotions.

I don’t deserve these guys. Not after keeping them in the dark about my injury and reason for retiring.

Even though Robbie and I have kept in touch, I couldn’t bring myself to burden him with my sob story.

Not when he became a dad and had so much on his plate already.

But I promised myself I would be honest from now on, no matter how hard those conversations would be.

“There’s actually something I’ve been meaning to tell you all,” I say, clearing my throat and standing up. Looking around the fire, everyone’s eyes are on me. I catch my sister’s gaze and give her an apologetic smile, knowing I’ve kept her in the dark too.

“I haven’t been entirely upfront with you all about the reason I came back. That injury I got in January, when I was supposed to meet you all at the hospital—well, it wasn’t just a broken leg,” I say, glancing at everyone, catching their confused looks.

“The hit landed me in the hospital for something much worse. I had a fractured hip”—I grimace just thinking about it and how dark and miserable it felt in that lonely hospital room—“and recovery was a bitch, honestly.” I laugh, looking at the sky and blowing out a breath. This is harder to share than I thought.

Ash pats my back and nods at me to keep going, so I do. “It took about five months to recover, but I’m still dealing with a lot of pain. I may need a hip replacement if I want a chance for the pain to go away completely, but even then …” I trail off, looking at my friends.

“Why didn’t you tell us when it happened?” Robbie asks, shock and disappointment written all over his face.

Fuck, I hate seeing that expression aimed at me. “I wasn’t going to ruin one of the greatest nights of your life.”

“Why didn’t you tell us after?” Eli asks, even though I’m sure he knows a lot more than he leads on since Ash was flying to Texas on a regular basis to check on me during my recovery.

I shake my head. Because I was embarrassed, because I didn’t want to be pitied. “Because I didn’t want to be a burden on any of you. You’ve all got your careers and you’re kicking ass?—”

Tangela stands up so quickly that her chair falls backwards. She gives me one tearful look and heads inside the house, Michael trailing after her. I run a hand over my short beard and consider following her to explain myself.

“Does Alice know?” Olivia asks, a contemplative look on her face. When her green eyes meet mine, I know that she knows about my past with Alice.

“No, she doesn’t,” I say, my shoulders dropping. “And I want to tell her myself, if you don’t mind keeping it to yourself a bit longer.”

She purses her lips but gives me a curt nod and I relax.

“I’m sorry, I should have told you guys. But more than that, I should have trusted that you’d all have my back when I needed you.”

Robbie takes a few steps towards me and wraps me up in a big hug. I cling to him tightly and let my tears fall. “From now on, we’ll be honest with one another, all right?” he says, and I nod, relieved. Getting this reaction from Robbie gives me hope that Alice might forgive me too.

“I should go talk to Tangela,” I say, preparing myself for a well-deserved lecture.

The cabin is quiet as I make my way down to the basement in search of my sister. My nieces are snuggled up together on one of the beds, but the other is left untouched. I frown, wondering where my sister ended up.

The bathroom door is open and the sauna is off, so I make my way back upstairs and look around the other rooms. Nothing.

The front door swings open and I spin around, hand over my heart. “Man, you scared me,” I say to Michael as he watched me intently.

“She’s really mad at you,” he says, tucking his hands in the pockets of his basketball shorts and toeing off his sneakers, leaving them by the door.

“I know, I’m sorry,” I offer, and attempt to walk by him. Michael and I have never really been close, but we’ve had amicable visits and short conversations about the weather and hockey. So I’m surprised when he takes a step towards me and wraps me in a hug.

After a beat of hesitation, I return the embrace and pat his back, unsure what prompted this reaction. “You good?”

“Yeah,” he says, straightening up and crossing his arms over his chest. “I’m just glad you’re okay, even if you did hide your injury from everyone. I’ve been around hockey my whole life, I’ve seen how brutal something like that can be,” he says.

I don’t know how to reply, but Michael smiles and pats my shoulder on his way to the basement. “Go talk to her.”

The breeze picks up and rattles the wind chimes as I walk to the end of the porch where Tangela is leaning against the railing, staring out into the darkness of the trees. I mirror her stance and let our shoulders brush against one another.

The silence stretches on for so long that I feel a churning in my stomach and try to blink back the tears that threaten to fall.

“Why did you keep me in the dark?” she asks quietly. My hands grip the railing and I let my head drop back when I realize how hurt she is.

“I just couldn’t?—”

“No, Jordan,” she says firmly, turning to face me with a stony expression on her face. Her dark brown eyes gleam with tears and I reach out to hug her, but she sidesteps me.

“Tangy …”

“I need you to listen to me, okay? I know that growing up, our parents never really made us talk about our feelings and we learned to bottle things up and pretend that everything was fine. And I know you’ve always been anxious and introverted and mostly kept to yourself, but Jordan, we’re your family.

We’re supposed to share the bad things too.

We’re supposed to lean on each other through tough times,” she says, taking a deep breath and wiping away a tear.

God, I hate this.

“I’m really disappointed that you didn’t think you could lean on me for this. I’m your big sister, I’m supposed to have your back. So don’t tell me that you couldn’t bother to pick up the phone and call. You simply didn’t want to.”

I swallow and shrug, knowing she’s right.

Growing up, we were always there for one another, but at some point I decided that she didn’t need me anymore.

That I didn’t need her. Finding my voice, I say, “Sometimes I just feel left out. You married into this amazing, wonderful family and I just tagged along. I thought I belonged with the Manticores, but when I got traded, I think something in me broke. It made me feel unworthy—of my job, of my friends, my family. So I took the cowardly way out and ran away. And I figured everyone would be fine without me.”

“You fucking fool. I wouldn’t even be here if it wasn’t for you. If you and Robbie didn’t become best friends. And we were all devastated when you left,” she says, lightly punching my chest. “Asshole.”

“Really?”

“Yes, really. We had some really depressing family dinners without you there. I can’t believe you’ve kept all of this inside for so long. Is that still how you feel? Like you don’t belong?”

I reach out for a hug, and this time my sister lets me embrace her, turning so that her cheek is over my heart.

“No,” I say softly. “I’ve been seeing a therapist and I’m on antidepressants, which has helped a lot.

There’s always gonna be some part of me that is doubtful, but I think being back here, amongst all of you—it’s helping. ”

Tangela nods against me and hugs me tight. “I’ll always be here for you, no matter what. Please don’t push us away again.”

“I’ll try my best,” I say with a small smile.