Page 19

Three Years Ago – November

Jordan

When I turn around, I’m met with a very angry looking Ash. My eyes widen as I spot the rest of the group at the table. I didn’t expect them to be here.

“Ash—”

“No, Jordan. What the actual fuck, man? You don’t call or text back for months, and now you’re back in town and you don’t even tell us? Why weren’t you at Thanksgiving?”

I realize that we’re probably making a scene and that I should table this conversation for another time, but my gaze catches Alice and the jersey she’s wearing.

My old jersey. My stomach churns with the feeling of guilt and hurt and I don’t know if I’d rather throw up or cry over the sight of her right now.

Does it mean anything that she’s wearing it?

Does she still care about me? Or has she moved on?

I take an involuntary step forward. The thought of her with anyone else makes me irrationally angry and I take a deep breath, cracking my knuckles.

Ash blocks my path and murmurs, “Don’t even think about it.”

I finally look back at him and nod in understanding. “I’m sorry, Ash. You’re right, I’ve been a really shitty friend.”

Looking down at my feet, I try to reign in this feeling of being miserable—of feeling sorry for myself.

“I’ve been dealing with a lot, honestly, and that shouldn’t be an excuse, but I really needed to focus on my mental health.”

“Oh, okay,” Ash says, some of his ire fading. “Look man, I know how that is, and I get it, truly. Just—we’re here for you, even though you ditched us for Texas.”

I laugh and push gently on his shoulder. “Yeah, like that was my choice.”

“I know, I’m sorry. If it’s worth anything, our defense kinda sucks without you, man.”

“Yeah, that’ll make me sleep better at night,” I say with a snort.

“Do you wanna join us?” Ash asks tentatively.

I look back at Tangy and she nods at me, already grabbing her purse. “I’ll see you tomorrow for brunch,” she says, giving me a quick hug.

“Well, come on,” Ash says, smiling over at the table.

I blow out a breath and follow behind him. For a moment, everyone is silent and I dread the anxiety and awkwardness that my actions have led to. But then Eli stands up and offers me his hand to shake.

I swallow the knot in my throat and take it, pulling him into a hug. He grunts out a laugh and hugs me back.

Robbie follows suit and hugs me. “Good to see you, man.”

“Yeah, you too,” I manage to say. It’s an understatement. Even if things are tense right now, seeing him is still a relief. I’ve missed him more than I expected.

I finally let him go and I wrap Olivia in a quick hug. She gives me a small smile and sits back next to Alice.

Seeing her up close has my stomach twisted up in knots. She’s so pretty, and I want her to smile at me like she used to. Before I fucked everything up.

“Hey, Al,” I say, taking a tentative step towards her.

“Hey,” she says, giving me a wave and returning to her phone, all but ignoring me. I deserve it, I do. But it still fucking hurts.

Eli brings me a chair and I move to sit between him and Alice. My shoulder brushes hers as I readjust my chair and I feel her stiffen next to me. That’s not the kind of reaction I ever want to draw from her, so I lean back as far as I can without making it obvious I’m giving her space.

The conversation picks back up and besides the fact that Alice so clearly hates me now, it feels like I’ve never left, like not much has changed.

Except, I watch as Eli puts his arm around Ash’s shoulder and whispers something in his ear.

Ash smiles and puts his hand on Eli’s thigh, and I can’t help but stare at them, impressed that they actually acted on their feelings.

A smile takes over my face and I say, “You two finally figured it out, huh?”

“What do you mean ‘finally’?” Ash says, indignant.

“Please, you two were always crushing on each other, it was really obvious.”

“Says the most oblivious guy ever,” Alice mutters loud enough for the whole table to hear.

When no one says anything for a beat, she lifts her eyes up from her phone and glances at me. I try to catch her meaning, but she quickly glances back away from me and I frown.

As Olivia excuses herself for being tired, she offers Alice a ride home. Robbie stands up too and the three of them are ready to head out.

“Jordan, how long are you in town?” he asks me.

“I head back on Sunday.”

“How about you come over for dinner tomorrow? Ash, you’re invited too.”

“Gee, thanks for the afterthought, grandpa , ” Ash says.

I look between Robbie and Olivia who are smiling at me and glance at Alice. She still won’t fully look over at me and my shoulders drop in defeat. She likely won’t attend this dinner, so what the hell.

“Sure, that would be nice.”

“Great, we’ll see you then,” Olivia says. They say goodnight and head out, and I’m left staring after Alice … and my last name embroidered on the back of her jersey.

Ash and Eli catch me up on the last few months and tell me the story of how they got together and their fateful trip to Finland. I’m happy for them and I do my best to tell them about Texas without giving away how much I hate it there.

By the end of the night, I’m back in my sister’s guest house, all alone once more, thinking about ways I could make things right by Alice. I should explain or apologize at least. Would she even forgive me?

Alice

I tried to get out of dinner, I really, really did.

But I already skipped on the tree farm tradition, knowing that Jordan was going to join.

And when Robbie spent the whole morning chopping down trees for the family and bringing one to my apartment, setting it up in the stand for me, well—I couldn’t say no to my favorite brother.

So I threw on my favorite sweater dress, a green one with flowy sleeves that makes me look like I have a skinny waist and a perky ass, and I took extra time to curl my hair and do my make-up.

I told myself I was dressing up for me, but in truth, I just want to show Jordan what he’s missing out on.

If he’s going to just show back up in our lives unexpectedly, the least he can do is suffer a little.

I sing along to one of the carols—us Elliots are always starting Christmas celebrations right after Thanksgiving—and add some decorations to Robbie’s living room. I freeze at the sound of the doorbell and will my nerves to go away.

What right does he have to make me nervous? I scoff to myself and shake myself out, my sleeves billowing with the movement. Get it together, Al .

“You okay?” Olivia asks, walking over to me as Robbie heads for the front door. She’s wearing a red sweater with a fluffy white and black Santa hat on it, and I smile at how quickly she embraced our crazy ass traditions.

“Yeah, better now that I’m seeing you in this sweater. I need to take a picture.”

“Ugh, you’re the worst.” She laughs and smacks my shoulder lightly. I snap a quick picture and send it to the group chat.

“What do we want to start with? Dinner? Drinks?” Robbie says, walking up to us, Jordan trailing close behind. My eyes land on his chest and the expensive-looking sweater he’s wearing. It’s a nice charcoal gray color and it fits him just right, showing off his broad chest and perfect biceps.

I grit my teeth. Couldn’t he wear sweats for once?

An image flashes in my mind of the time he wore nothing but sweats at the cabin after we went into the sauna together and how good he looked with sweat gleaming down his—nope, not going there .

I make a beeline for the kitchen counter, pouring myself some orange juice and champagne in a flute.

Robbie comes over and says, “Wait, I have just the thing to make that perfect.” He opens the fridge and takes out a cup of cranberries, dropping one in my drink, then carefully placing a slice of orange on the lip of my glass.

I raise my eyebrows at my brother as I watch him proudly admire my drink. “Wow, are you switching careers once more? Going into mixology now?”

“Oh, shut it. You know you like it,” he says, making one for himself and clinking glasses with me.

Olivia comes over and checks on the pot roast in the oven.

The whole place smells incredible and if it weren’t for the giant six foot three elephant in the room, I would actually be excited to hang out with my favorite people.

But my stomach flutters and I can feel Jordan’s eyes on the side of my face from where he came over to stand by me.

I just wish Ash could get here already. He always has something random to talk about and would make this awkward silence dissipate.

“When’s Ash coming?” I ask, taking another drink and rubbing the side of my neck, willing Jordan’s gaze to land somewhere else. I feel like he might set me on fire with his looks alone.

“He’s not,” Robbie says, putting on oven mitts to take the food out.

The mimosa tastes bitter all of a sudden. How am I supposed to make it through dinner now?

“Oh, is he okay?” Jordan asks, gripping the counter.

“Yeah, he got called up to play in Detroit tonight. Sorry, I forgot to mention it,” Robbie says, placing the pot roast on a board in the center of the kitchen island, followed by the potatoes and honeyed carrots.

“That’s amazing,” Jordan says, reaching for a beer and pouring it in a glass.

“I’m so excited for him, I can’t wait to see him on TV,” Olivia says, and smiles at me.

Our eyes hold for a second and I’m sure she can sense my panic about this being essentially a double date.

She takes in a deep breath and lets it out, never taking her eyes off me.

I mirror her and do the same, relaxing a bit, knowing she’s got my back.

Out of everyone in our group, Olivia is the only one that knows the full extent of what happened between me and Jordan. Eli and Ash have hinted at knowing bits and pieces, or at least that they assume something happened that week at the cabin, but Robbie has been pretty oblivious.

Dinner is thankfully pretty quiet as we talk about the upcoming holidays and plans. Robbie fills us in on the progress for his nonprofit, Blue Line Brigade, and talks about how grateful he is that Alex and Malia moved back to Grand Marquee last year and that they decided to start the nonprofit.

I briefly mention that teaching is going well still and that my bookish social media account continues to grow. Olivia tells us how excited she is to have her grandma move to Grand Marquee to have the last member of her family closer.

Unsurprisingly, Jordan plans to be in Texas over Christmas and New Years, but he hints at returning over the All Star break when we plan to take a cabin trip.

I take another sip of my drink, trying to erase all thoughts of the cabin from my mind.

I haven’t been there since two months ago, when we all went up to visit Ash and Eli at training camp.

That was the first time we found out they were in a relationship as we literally caught them kissing in the backyard.

I squeeze my eyes tight, hiding them from view. Stop thinking about that week. Stop thinking about his hands on you. Just stop.

“Al, everything okay?” my brother asks.

“Yep,” I lie. “The mimosas are getting to me, I should go sit on the couch,” I say, standing and moving to the living room, picking Beans up on the way, plopping the chunky little black cat in my lap.

He squirms for a moment, but then fully sits down and starts to purr.

I give him gentle pets on his fluffy little head and he tips his nose up, mouth open in satisfaction.

I smile and lean back, letting my hands roam over his fur. The couch dips next to me and I square my shoulders. Looking back to the kitchen, I don’t see Robbie or Olivia.

“They went to take the trash out and turn on the Christmas lights,” Jordan supplies, and I nod, deciding that's enough of an answer.

“Can we talk?” he asks after a few minutes of silence.

I debate giving him the silent treatment, but I’m better than that. I can handle this as a mature adult. “There’s nothing to talk about.”

“Sure there is,” he says, almost pleading. I turn my head, finally looking at him head-on, and find that he’s already watching me, a mixture of regret and sadness in his brown eyes. Whatever—he’s the one who hurt me , he’s the one who left.

I hold his gaze, keeping any emotion off my face. “No, there’s really not.”

He sighs in frustration and a muscle in his jaw ticks. “Al, I’m so?—”

“Don’t,” I snap, spooking the cat, who jumps off my lap and runs to his cat tree. “Can you just keep pretending like nothing happened? It’s what you’ve been doing this whole time, cutting everyone off.”

Jordan winces and shakes his head, “Will you let me apologize, at least? Or explain.”

I tilt my head, pondering it for a second. “No, I don’t think I will. I think you said precisely what you needed to that night and then your actions and disappearance from our lives spoke the rest.”

“That’s not fair,” he says, pinching the bridge of his nose.

His wish for a heart-to-heart is here a little too late and I’m pissed that he would corner me like this when he clearly could tell I didn’t want anything to do with him.

“No, Jordan. You know what’s not fair? It’s not fair that you left me like I was nothing .

I wasn’t even worth a full explanation from you.

It’s not fair that you treated me like garbage and didn’t even talk to me about your issues or decisions.

I was just an afterthought at the end of the day.

“It’s not fair that you got to walk away with a clean slate.

And it’s definitely not fair that you’re back now and want to act like none of that happened—like you didn’t break my heart.

” My voice wobbles on the last word and I wipe the single tear that escapes me.

Jordan looks at me, mouth open like he might respond.

But he doesn’t. His eyes shine with tears, and my first reaction is to console him. Apologize for being so harsh.

Fuck that. I can’t do that when I’m still so fucking angry about his actions.

“Al,” he says in a hoarse voice.

“Let’s just get through the rest of tonight so we can get back to our own lives and only interact when we absolutely need to. Okay?”

He doesn’t respond, but when Robbie and Olivia come back inside, he moves to the chair as we settle in to watch Eli and Ash play against Boston.