Page 76

CHAPTER 75

LARA

“Lara? Are you in here?” I can hear Sofia, but I’m too tired to want to talk.

Her footsteps ring through the front room getting closer.

I should tell her I’m okay, I just don’t have the energy to.

“Hey, there you are! Mikhail asked Jax if I could check in on you. How are you doing?” She flicks her maroon hair over her shoulder before sitting on the end of the couch near me.

It’s only after a moment I catch the smell of something garlicky and savory coming from the bag in her hand.

“I’m fine.” My belly growls in argument.

“I brought you some stew. I figured you wouldn’t feel much like cooking.” Her brown eyes watch me closely.

It’s hard to push myself up.

Maybe I should say something mean so she’ll leave?

That would also take effort.

“Thank you.” I give up. Anger is exhausting.

“Lara? Are you okay? You look, well, pale.” Sofia’s hand rests over my covered foot. “I know you miss Alexei, but don’t you want to be healthy for him when he gets back?” Her thumb moves and she squeezes me.

“He’s never coming back,” I say hopelessly. “It’s been over a month.”

The hollow ache comes back like it does every time I think about him.

It hurts so damn bad.

“And if he doesn’t? Are you going to just wither and blow away?” She raises one eyebrow then opens the bag. “You need to eat something.”

I don’t want to be heavy when Alexei comes back.

He won’t love me anymore.

I shake my head. “I’m fine, I told you that.”

Her lips thin and she pops the top off of the bowl. “Eat.” There isn’t a waver or question in her command as she thrusts it into my lap. “I brought a spoon, too.”

It does smell good.

“Just a little. I’m not very hungry.” I’m starving. But I’m terrified to act like it or I’ll overdo it.

Sofia frowns. “I’m not leaving until you finish it.”

Whatever. Once she’s gone, I can get it out of my stomach.

“And, I’m staying for at least an hour afterwards.” She adds as she hands me the soup.

That irritates me. “I don’t need a babysitter.”

“Apparently, you do. I know what it’s like to be your own worst enemy. You’re not the only person who struggles with it.” Sofia looks down at her knuckle before spinning her wedding ring on her finger. “Everyone has their own demons they fight. Sometimes they need help,” she says quietly.

I forgot about Jax.

But this is different.

It has to be.

I can’t spiral like he did. This isn’t the same.

I don’t want to die. I just want to be pretty enough to be worthy of love.

It just means I need to be thinner, perfect for Alexei when…if he gets back.

“Lara.” Sofia gets my attention. “Please. You need to be healthy. For you, and the life you want to have.”

“Maybe the best part is over.” I raise my spoon to my lips and sip some of the broth.

My stomach spasms with the rich liquid. I guess it’s been longer than I realized since I ate.

“I think you’re wrong.” Sofia tries to give me a smile, but it looks forced.

Squeezing my fist, my nails dig into my palm until the stabbing pain goes away.

Just one swallow at a time.

Before the bowl is empty, I feel a little perkier. Sofia chats nearly the entire time about her kids and her schooling.

I’m not sure why I forgot she was going into psychiatry.

“This year I have to pick my dissertation project,” she sighs, leaning back into the pillows of the couch.

“What does that mean?” How did I eat the entire container? Was I really that hungry?

“I have to choose what my topic is going to be. I think I want to go with something about men’s mental health and how depression affects them because of societal pressures.” She turns her ring and her eyes drift to the window. “I don’t think there’s enough talk about it.”

“That sounds very noble.” I think I might be sick. My belly hurts from being so full.

“It’s hard to see the people you care about suffer.” She turns and pins me with a hard stare.

Is she talking about me?