Page 58

CHAPTER 57

ALEXEI

All this time I have been protecting her and this was happening inside her head?

Those doubts, those thoughts, I could have shown her a long time ago how wrong they are.

That she is the essence of beauty, not just on the outside, but on the inside, too.

I fight my own urge to cry, for the pain she’s been living with. This heartache I never saw. The nights of online searching has scared me, the thought of losing her to this is like a stab in the chest.

“You know, all these years, the only reason I’m still standing is because of you, Alexei. Without you, I’d be in pieces.”

“Don’t give me too much credit.”

“I mean it. You are my crazy sparkle of light, Alexei. No matter how dark it gets, you are always there to brighten my life. If I didn’t have that, I would have given up a long time ago. Your love keeps me alive.”

Her words pain me. I don’t want her trapped in the dark.

“So how does this link into food, to throwing it up? What makes you do that?”

It’s the part I can’t wrap my head around.

“When everything around me crumbles, my calorie counting, exercise, purging, it’s something I can take back control and maybe obsess over. Distracting me from the chaos outside. And when I hate what I see in the mirror, it drives me to do it more.”

I nod in understanding.

“I want to help you. I want to make sure you’re healthy. I just want you to be happy, pchelka.”

“You do make me happy. I promise.”

“So what about we start with a meal plan? I will do it with you, we can prep together, work out. You aren’t alone in this.”

Her brows furrow. “That could work.”

“What about speaking to Sofia?”

She shakes her head and goes to pull away. “I’m not ready to talk to anyone else yet.”

She looks down, but I tip her chin back up.

“Whatever you want, it’s on your terms.”

“Thank you. That wasn’t as bad as I thought it might be, you know, talking about it.”

I am her safe space and I will protect her, even from the demons in her head.

Except, how the hell do I do that when I’m leaving for Russia?