Page 55

CHAPTER 54

LARA

Closing the bathroom door, I run the cold tap and splash water over my face.

Shit.

It’s almost like he knows.

I shouldn’t be shocked. That man knows me better than I know myself sometimes.

I don’t want to talk about it, let alone confront my demons.

How do I put into words that I hate myself? That everyday I find something new to despise?

I’m used to it.

I deal with it.

As long as I am in control, I survive.

Picking up my phone I notice my hands are shaking.

I open up my calorie log for the day and frantically jab in the food I’ve consumed.

Maybe, if I have the burger and no fries and work out first thing, it won’t make a difference?

After one bite, I’d just want more until I was sick. But I can’t do that in front of Alexei. He can’t save me from this. I don’t want him to see me broken, he already rescues me enough.

I want to smash my head against the wall. Why am I like this?

There’s a soft knock. I look in the mirror and I’m crying. I didn’t even realize it.

Tears over a simple dinner.

Pathetic.

“Are you okay, baby?” His voice is muffled through the wood.

I quickly wipe my face and lock my cell before opening the door.

“What’s wrong?” He stops me before I can walk past him with his hands on my shoulders.

“You can talk to me about anything, you know that right? No matter what, I love you and I am here for you.”

I swallow the lump forming in my throat.

Silence fills the air.

What if he thinks I’m too damaged? A lost cause?

How can he love me when I can’t stand any part of myself?

“Why don’t you want to eat? What were you doing in there?” He chews on his lip.

I want to throw up. I want to run. Especially seeing the worry on his face, I can’t be a burden to him.

“Just using the toilet.”

He nods.

“So I was speaking to Sofia, and she said she thinks that you may have an eating disorder.”

My stomach drops. The blood rushes out of my face. I want the floor to swallow me whole.

“Y-you spoke to her about me? Why?” I stumble back.

I can’t deal with this.

They all probably think I’m crazy.

I can’t even see through the tears erupting. It’s like the walls are closing in on me as my chest heaves.

“Lara?”

I push him out the way and run as fast as I can down the stairs, grabbing my keys and jumping in my BMW.

Slamming my foot on the gas, I peel out of the driveway. Letting the tears fall down my cheek, the road is blurry, the lights make my eyes sting.

I hate myself. They all deserve better.

I need to clear my head. I need space. I need control back.

But I always need Alexei.