Chapter 201 Hermit's Drunken Tales

Hermit's scrawny form sprawled limply, his eyes spinning like pinwheels, and imaginary stars circling above his head. It was as if he'd been hit with a bolt of lightning. The once-enthusiastic goblin was now a dazed and pitiable figure, the effects of the alcohol and Suzuka's whack over the head taking their toll.

David, who had also indulged in one too many tankards of beer, rose from his seat with the intention to come to Hermit's defense. But his drunken equilibrium betrayed him, causing him to stagger and nearly tumble to the ground. With slurred words and a wobbly demeanor, he tried to muster a spirited shout, "L-leave our buddy... Hic! Alone! You... b-bitch! Do not hit our b-buddy! Leave him be! We... we are... hic... we are friends! S-stop... or... or I will... will..." However, his words trailed off, and he tumbled back into his own chair before he could articulate his threat.

Suzuka, irritated, fixed her cold gaze on Hermit, who was still sprawled on his chair, now nursing a throbbing headache in addition to his drunken stupor.

The goblin, though disoriented and battered, managed to mutter a few incoherent words, his voice laden with confusion, "M-master... head-hurty... head-spinny... w-what happened!? Ouchie..."

Suzuka, having effectively punished Hermit with her punch for his disgusting antics, simply rolled her eyes and continued to sip her beer with an air of indifference. 

As Hermit shook his head repeatedly, trying to clear the spinning haze in his mind and struggling to focus his blurry vision, he made a valiant, wobbly, effort to stand. His meaty ears flapped around like a ship sails in a storm with each turn of his head. His spindly legs teetered on the edge of the chair, wobbling like a soggy nuddle, threatening to send him tumbling to the floor at any moment. 

With trembling fingers, Hermit extended his dirty hand toward Jacob's face and began to point his grungy finger in front of Jacob's eyes, waving it like a flag. His slurred, incoherent mumbling and disjointed words filled the air as he lamented a litany of the unfortunate events that had befallen him.

Hermit gesticulated wildly and wobbled on his unsteady feet, pointing his finger dramatically.

"Me... head hurt, it hurt bad!" he began, clutching his skull with one hand.

 "Master Helen, she... she is a meanie! She made me clean the dishes, even the ones with... with the sticky gunk, all alone in the dark! Hic! And then, the raccoon, ya see, it came at me, claws like... like sharp sticks, and... and I fought it... off with a broken spoon! Rac... raccoon... bad raccoon! Very bad! Teeth sharp, bit Hermit's... poor... foot! Ouchie!" He pointed to his foot, or at least tried to, as his finger wandered aimlessly in the air.

"David... meanie! Hit Hermit! Why? Noooo... Hermit sad... ouchie! And Helen... master... grr! Always scold Hermit! Hermit cries... boo-hoo! No snuggles, no cuddles, only scoldings!" He mimed being hit with exaggerated flinches and winces, his minuscule fists gently pounding on his head.

With his head spinning and his words slurred, Hermit continued, "Farm, farm, lots of farms! No food, no fun! Only feces! Whippy-whip, mean folks! Hermit no like! Hic! Oh, the breeding farms... Breeding farms... so scary! Dark, scary, smelly... yucky! Hermit was small... so small... they were... were worse than worse, I tell ya! Hic! Goblin rulers... breeding me, cuddling my meaty ears... Hic!" He crouched down as low as he could in his drunk state, imitating his former size and positions he was bred.

Suzuka rolled her eyes and muttered, "You've got to be kidding me..."

Hermit, with a sudden burst of enthusiasm, yelped, "And... and then I was caught by bandits, they made me do... do goblin tricks, I swear! You shoulda seen it! They... Hic! Made me squat on a burnin' torch! It sizzled, I swear it sizzled! Scorched goblin I was! Bandits! Bad bandits... meanie bandits... laugh at Hermit! Hermit run... run away" He mimicked running in place, his legs moving like he was performing some crazy tap dance.

Suzuka said while shaking her head, "You've officially lost your mind."

Hermit tearfully continued, "Barrel... oh barrel! Smelly, icky, bumpy! Hermit trapped... can't breathe! Hermit sneeze! Barrel roll! Dirty, dirty! Hermit squish, so yucky! An' I traveled in a filthy barrel for weeks, bumpin' and rollin' like a green bean in a feces stew... Hic!"

David, with a tipsy nod, added, "Rolling green bean, that's an image, all right. Hahaha!"

He paused and wagged his finger at David as if chastising him.

 "David, he nasty! Hit Hermit! Ouchy-ouch! No more hits! Pushed Hermit, pushed and pushed... and took my mushrooms too. No more mushrooms for Hermit." His lower lip quivered as he lamented the loss of his precious imaginary fungi.

Hermit, now fully immersed in his exaggerated storytelling, showed no signs of slowing down. He continued with a fresh burst of enthusiasm, gesticulating wildly and chanting in his brand of drunken goblin lament.

"Hermit's life, oh so sad! No tasty grub, no quencher! Squishy-squash, muddy mud!" Hermit's arms flailed as he mimicked the tragic elements of his narrative.

He looked around the inn, his eyes locking onto an empty tankard, which he picked up and waved like a flag of despair.

 "Empty drinky, Hermit thirsty! Glug-glug, no more chug!" His dramatic sips from the empty tankard drew chuckles from Jacob and David.

Suzuka, seemingly unfazed by Hermit's drunken confession, took another sip of her beer and said, "This goblin sure knows how to spin a ridiculous tale, I give him that."

Hermit then focused on Suzuka, extending a shaky finger in her direction.

 "Master... Hic! Helen is so beautiful... but... so stern! No hugs, no snuggles! Hermit needs warm hugs... hic! Warm hugs! Tiny goodnight kisses and smooches! Gentle pats on the head! Hic! Not... not smacks on the head!" He feigned a pitiful expression, lowering his ears and trembling dramatically.

"Hungry-hungry, belly rumbly," he moaned, clutching his scrawny stomach with one hand and extending the other toward Suzuka, reaching for an imaginary scrap of food. 

"No yummies for Hermit. Starvy-starve goblin will never grow glorious... Hic! Belly pillow! Belly pillow for tiny gobbie hatchlings to sleep on. Hermit wants noms! Crunchy-chomps, munchy-munch! No food, no tummy pillow, all gone."

He gesticulated dramatically as he acted out his desperation for a meal. 

"Meat-meat! Crunchy bones! Goblin tummy wants yummy bones!" he mumbled, his tongue lolling out as he pretended to chew on invisible morsels.

Jacob, drunk but still able to understand some of what Hermit was saying, listened with a mix of amusement and confusion. He couldn't help but chuckle at the absurdity of the goblin's tales, even if he didn't fully understand them. 

"Well, little man!" he slurred, "seems like you've had quite the adventure! I suppose we should call you 'Heroic Hermit' now."

David, who was equally intoxicated and unable to make much sense of Hermit's ramblings, took another swig of his beer and mumbled with a hiccup, "Hic! Yeah, yeah! We'll feed you, Hermit! No more grumbling tummy for our buddy! I need a pillow... hic... myself. Getting sleepy."

Hermit, in his drunk state, took their words to heart, "Weeee! Heroic Hermit?! Food?! Where?!" and with a goofy grin, he attempted to climb on the table, eager to partake in the promise of a meal.

Suzuka, despite her earlier show of irritation, now wore a small smile. Hermit's drunken monologue had transformed him into a bizarre and unintentional entertainer.

Hermit's grand performance, filled with exaggerated gestures, tales of woe, and comedic gibberish, had taken a toll on the drunken goblin. As his futile attempt to climb on top of the table came to an end, he flopped back into his chair, his spindly limbs hanging limply over the sides. His diminutive size and pitiful state, coupled with the effects of the alcohol, made him appear strangely adorable despite his pitiable condition.

His meaty ears drooped, and his eyes twitched beneath closed lids, as he journeyed through the landscape of his dreams. 

As Hermit's tiny body slumped in the chair, he emitted loud snores that were surprisingly endearing, given his pitiful state. His snores were a mix of grumbles, incoherent mumbles, and even the occasional whimper.

"Mmmm, roasted... raccoons... tasty... b-bones... Eeeek! David... meanie... Hic! Grub... yum-yum... belly full.." he mumbled, his lips curling into a contented smile.

Jacob, who had already been quite intoxicated when they began drinking, was the first to hit the deck. He slumped forward onto the table, his snores harmonizing with Hermit's, creating an odd duet of slumber.

David, still partially conscious but in no state to be coherent, gazed around the inn with a befuddled expression. His unsteady finger pointed toward a man seated at the bar, drawing Suzuka's attention.

With a slurred voice and a confused look in his eyes, David mumbled, "Ohwie! Wow... my head is spinning... but... ugh... I see the... the goblin fucker... hic! By the bar."

Suzuka's gaze followed David's shaky point, and she saw the man at the bar, accompanied by three equally burly companions. Her expression grew serious as she observed the group.

 Suzuka leaned in closer to David and whispered, "Witch one do you mean the 'goblin fucker'? There are four of them."

David, still swaying in his seat and unable to maintain his focus, replied, "N-not sure... but he... the tall one... he looks... familiar, hic!"