Page 47 of Chaos Theory

FORTY-FOUR

MAEVE

I open the door of the Shannon Suite, let Kobi roll in ahead of me.

‘Well, looks like this will be your last team meeting with us, Kobi.’ I try to force some breeziness into my voice, but I can hear the hollow tone underneath.

‘Affirmative,’ he says. ‘I shall miss these petty gatherings.’

I laugh, but there’s a pit in my stomach. Of course I knew Kobi would only be here temporarily, but damn, I’ve grown accustomed to his face. This is exactly why Dad would never let me get a pet, I realise. You get attached and then goodbye is so much harder.

After the party on Friday, we decided as a group that Kobi would attend the team meeting today to say an official farewell to everyone before I bring him back to RoboTron.

JP insisted he would go with us; he’s eager to speak to Ron and smooth things over.

I was too tired to argue and besides, part of me is glad I’ll have backup walking into RoboTron.

In case I have to face Ron or – worse – Josh.

Josh tried to call me all weekend, but I refused to answer. I don’t know what he wants to say to me. I only know I don’t want to hear it because it’ll just be more lies. Was anything he said real? All I know for sure is that he was using me.

Shane messaged me as well on Saturday, asking if I wanted to meet. I can’t really face him at the moment either. I’ve been such an idiot, raving on about The Kobi Project and how great Josh was the past few weeks.

The door opens. It’s Shane.

‘You’re so early,’ I say. Some of the tension in my shoulders releases in spite of myself.

He shrugs and gestures at Kobi. ‘Ah, you know…it’s his last day and all. You all set, Kobi?’

‘Affirmative.’

Shane takes me aside. ‘And how are you feeling about today?’

‘Ah, you know…’ I repeat Shane’s phrase back to him, then trail off.

‘I know. Listen, why don’t you call round to my house later, after work? I’ll want to know how you got on at RoboTron. All the details. I got in that exotic herbal tea you like.’

‘You mean peppermint? Such a wildly exotic flavour.’ I smile.

I picture myself on Shane’s couch and am surprised at how much I’d like to be there right now.

But I push away the image. I wonder if he went home with Sandra after the party.

‘Thanks. We’ll see. I feel like today is going to be exhausting, on many levels. ’

‘Hey, I was thinking about that,’ he says. ‘I know this is Kobi’s last day here, but like, couldn’t you maybe still see him sometimes, at RoboTron?’

The innocence and optimism of his question kind of floor me. I can’t tell him that I don’t want to go to RoboTron because I can’t face Josh, because I’m equal parts angry and embarrassed.

‘I don’t know,’ I say. ‘Ron didn’t really seem the reasonable type, based on what I saw of him at the conference. And I’m not sure he’s a fan of all the stuff we did with Kobi…’

I did briefly consider reinstating Kobi’s legs for his return to RoboTron, but I just couldn’t take his new mobility away from him. If Ron wants to do it, that’s his prerogative. I take out a small screwdriver and tighten some of the fittings on Kobi’s lower panels. No need to make it easy for Ron.

The door opens again. Dave and Julia come in together. Very together. They’re holding hands. ‘I told you we’d be early,’ Julia says to him.

‘Hey, Kobi, good luck today,’ she calls. ‘We got you a card. Oh – I left it in my coat. Be right back.’ She disappears out the door.

Shane nods after her. ‘When did this happen?’ he asks Dave, who hasn’t stopped smiling since he entered the room.

‘At the party,’ says Dave.

‘Really?’ I ask. ‘You know, I thought maybe you guys were already together.’

Dave laughs. ‘I know. I think everybody did. We weren’t. But we are now.’

‘Good stuff,’ says Shane. ‘You both finally came to your senses.’

‘Yes.’ Dave smiles. ‘It was a strange night. You know, weirdly, seeing JP in that costume – and what DC said about it – it kind of got me thinking about things. How actions speak louder than words, and all those clichés.’

‘Congratulations,’ says Kobi. ‘I wish you well for the future.’

To my surprise, Dave briefly hugs Kobi. Then he turns away and takes a seat at the back of the room.

Dave is right. Actions do speak louder than words.

Josh had all the words, but it was just empty promises – dangling a bright new future in front of me.

I can’t help compare him to Shane. Even though Shane has done some immature things, he’s never deliberately tried to deceive me.

He’s always tried to fix things, tried to help me out.

The door opens again but it’s not Julia, it’s Imelda.

‘Ah, Maeve. I wanted to talk to you for a moment.’ Her cheeks are flushed. ‘In private. And, ah, you too, Kobi.’

I beckon her over and the three of us move into a corner.

‘I am afraid that I owe you an apology,’ she says. ‘I perhaps should have told you this before, but, well, I did not want to. I have no excuse really. So, the night that you came to Phelan’s, when Kobi had his malfunction…I am afraid that was my fault. ’

‘It was?’ I think back to that night. At the end of the bar, Kobi, Imelda, Dave and Julia were gathered round but they all seemed to be getting on well.

‘Yes. Kobi spoke of new accounting software that could do my job in half the time. Maeve, I am so close to retirement. It is too late for me to retrain, to find another job. I suppose that I just panicked. I had a tequila in my hand and, well…’

She mimes throwing a drink in Kobi’s face. In fairness to Kobi, he doesn’t react.

‘I just wanted to say that I am sorry.’

I should be upset, but so much has happened since that night, it doesn’t seem so important now. Besides, I can see it from Imelda’s point of view. It’s a lot harder to accept new technology if your pay cheque is on the line.

The rest of the staff arrive and JP calls the meeting to order.

He announces Kobi’s imminent departure. I now truly learn the meaning of the term ‘the official version of events’, as JP portrays Kobi’s short time here as a series of triumphs, with a seamless conclusion.

He instigates a round of applause for me and then, as is the tradition at Go Ireland, invites the departing employee to ‘say a few words in honour of the occasion’.

Kobi makes his way to the top of the room. ‘I cannot promise only a few words,’ he says, to gentle laughter from his colleagues. ‘I would like to thank all my co-workers, especially Maeve and Shane. I shall miss all of you.’

A nice little round of applause ripples across the room.

‘However,’ he continues, ‘perhaps what follows will be unexpected, but unfortunately I have not been provided with an adequate opportunity to complete my duties as an employee.’

Oh no. What now?

‘I shall now announce the results of the HR compliance report commissioned by Sandra Smith on 18 September.’

I jump up from my seat. ‘Kobi!’

I hear gasps from around the room. It sounds like half a dozen cans of soda being opened at once .

‘Do not be alarmed,’ says Kobi. ‘I shall only read the executive summary. And the results section.’

Sandra Smith stands up too. ‘Eh, I’d completely forgotten about that!’

JP raises his hands to calm the troubled waters. ‘Quiet down, everyone. I’m sure it’s all fine. We might as well hear it though. No harm for me to get a sense of where we’re at with this stuff. Kobi – proceed. But keep it brief.’

I sit down heavily. Kobi bows slightly in Sandra’s direction.

‘Sandra Smith, thank you for assigning me such a challenging and fascinating topic to research. My method involved observing staff behaviour and cross-referencing it against all HR policy and compliance documents, including “Dignity and Respect in the Workplace”, “IT and Email Codes of Conduct”—’

‘You don’t have to read out the names of all the documents,’ interrupts JP. ‘Can we cut to the chase, please?’

‘Certainly,’ says Kobi. ‘I will skip to the results section. The following people have been found to be in violation of HR codes of conduct and/or compliance and/or HR principles. Maeve McGettigan. Shane Fitzgerald. Imelda Lopez. Julia Monye. David O’Dwyer. Jennifer Mason. Duncan Canning?—’

Each person reacts to their name in a different way, but with equal amounts of consternation.

‘Whoa there!’ I jump up again. ‘Kobi, what are you doing?’

‘I am not finished,’ he says. ‘Sandra Smith.’

‘Eh, eh, hang on now!’ says Sandra. She also rises from her seat.

‘JP Horgan,’ he says.

‘Now, that’s quite enough!’ says JP.

‘Wait, wait!’ calls Shane, next to me in the first row. ‘Kobi – is everybody in the whole company on the list?’

‘Yes,’ he replies. ‘An astute guess.’

Shane laughs. Other people start to laugh. Soon everyone is laughing along.

‘Kobi.’ I strain my voice to be heard above the din. ‘How hilarious of you to play this prank on us!’ I decide to lean into it. I turn to address the room. ‘Look how far he’s come – playing jokes like the best of them!’

People applaud, much to my relief. I sit back down.

Then he says, ‘I have a special surprise for you all.’ He turns his head towards me and rotates it sideways, gives me a kind of awkward nod. I believe he’s trying to deliver some kind of secret signal, the robot equivalent of a wink.

‘It’s not another report, is it?’ Dave calls from the back of the room, to more laughter.

‘How well you know me, David,’ says Kobi. ‘Yes, indeed, it is another report. I predict it will be of great interest.’

‘I’m afraid to ask what it’s about!’ says Dave. The laughter continues.

‘Productivity,’ comes the answer.

The laughter stops abruptly.

I turn to Shane and quietly say, ‘I give up.’

I slump in my seat. If he wasn’t already leaving, Kobi would probably be fired after this. So what difference does it make?

‘I have been running a productivity analysis of all staff since the day of our first team meeting.’

He starts to roll slowly back and forth as he talks. It looks to all intents and purposes like he’s enjoying himself very much.

‘I never asked you to do that, Kobi,’ says Sandra. She looks around the room. ‘I swear – I didn’t.’

‘That is correct,’ Kobi agrees. ‘Credit for the report’s existence should be given to Maeve.’

I close my eyes and groan, push my fingers into my hair. Why must he take me down with him? I feel Shane’s hand on my back, like he’s trying to shield me from the tutting and other sounds of disapproval from around the room.

‘I will quickly share my conclusions with you,’ continues Kobi.

‘You will forgive me if I gloss over the details of who is most and least productive and at what times and on which days of the week. Instead, I wish to present to you an innovative analytic technique, whereby I cross-referenced productivity with staff morale, such as I could detect it.’

I open my eyes to see Kobi’s chest panel light up. Some kind of data analysis animation. Multicoloured graphs dance across the screen. From what I can gather, the days of the week are highlighted in different colours. Morale seems to be represented by a series of pulsating love-heart icons.

‘I hope everyone can clearly see the implications of this analysis and come to the same conclusion that my advanced algorithmic systems allowed me to make. Morale and productivity are so closely correlated that one may reasonably conjecture a causative relationship.’

I sneak a look around to see the blank faces of my co-workers.

‘Allow me to use layman’s language, if you will. Productivity goes off a cliff on Friday afternoons. Forgive my crudeness. However, there is a way to increase productivity.’

I hear growing sounds of unrest. I look at Shane. He shakes his head at me in what I hope is sympathy.

‘Let’s hear him out,’ says JP. ‘Settle down now, please.’

‘Thank you, JP. In conclusion, by my calculations, productivity would increase twenty per cent if Friday afternoons were simply removed from the equation.’

‘What does that mean?’ says JP. ‘Removed from the equation? You mean, no work gets done on a Friday afternoon?’

‘Not exactly,’ says Kobi. ‘Taking into account the consequential potential boost in morale, I am ninety-seven per cent certain that productivity would increase, across the week, if Friday afternoons were removed from the working week.’

Shane speaks up. ‘Are you saying what I think you’re saying? Are you saying that we shouldn’t be working on Friday afternoons?’

‘Not exactly,’ repeats Kobi. ‘My official recommendation is that staff would be more productive if only rostered for four-point-five days of work a week. Further analysis would be required to observe if all work could in fact be condensed to four days a week. ’

‘Four days a week?’ Dave calls out.

‘Yes,’ Kobi replies.

‘Four days a week!’ Julia’s voice comes in at a high pitch.

‘Yes.’

‘Wait,’ says Dave. ‘For the same pay?’

‘Of course,’ says Kobi.

What follows can only be described as a kind of glorious chaos.