Page 12 of Chaos Theory
TWELVE
As we’re making our way to the HR department, I’m trying to get my head in the game.
I’ve already postponed Kobi’s HR induction meeting twice and I can’t put it off any longer.
Sandra Smith’s office is on the fifth floor, at the top of the building, at the end of the corridor.
It’s almost as if they don’t want to encourage visitors up here.
But at least the elevator has been restored to action.
I like Sandra, but at the end of the day, she’s Team JP. If JP is the Supreme Being around here, Sandra is his earthly representative. John the Baptist to his Jesus. Johnnie Cochran to his OJ Simpson. Perhaps that’s a little harsh. Smithers to his Mr Burns, then.
I’m mulling over everything I’ve learned in the past few days.
After I spoke to Jen, I left Kobi in the gift shop with Shane and took some time back at my desk to register for the MIT course.
Robots are joining the workforce. Are you ready?
the intro blurb asked. ‘God no,’ I answered out loud, attracting a brief glare from the desk of Duncan Canning.
Now, I tell Kobi that this meeting is very important.
‘I promise to do my best,’ he reassures me in the elevator.
‘I am thinking of ice-breaker conversation pieces to ensure the meeting starts well. I have been studying this area of emotional intelligence. It is fascinating that humans cannot start meaningful conversations until their brains have sufficiently warmed up. Then again, when I awake from sleep mode, I spend some minutes collecting data and adjusting to my environment. So perhaps it is a similar feeling.’
I silently pray that Kobi will never find out there’s such a job as stand-up comedian. I bet he’d love to share his wry observations about humans with an audience.
When we exit the elevator, I stop and point at a sign on the wall that says Human Resources .
I swear Kobi’s voice gets louder. ‘But where is the office of Robot Resources ? Because, according to this sign, whoever works here does not have authority over me.’
‘Hush,’ I say. ‘It’s not a good idea to open with a joke when you meet someone for the first time.’
‘This was not from my joke category files,’ he says. ‘This was stored under “banter” in my ice-breaker files. Shane and I discussed the concept of banter for thirty-six minutes this morning. He presented me with many examples of such talk. Enough for me to learn how to start creating my own.’
Oh lord. ‘Well, I think Shane and I might need to have a meeting of our own after this one. For now, please refrain from banter. I’ll explain to you later when you can use it. But, in short, for now – rarely.’
We arrive at Sandra’s office. Through the glass panel in the door, I can see her pretty blonde head turned to focus on one of her three giant screens, immaculate shellac nails caressing the keyboard. I knock. She responds with a nod and her million-dollar smile.
‘Sandra, this is the new collaborative robot, Kobi. He’s been looking forward to meeting you, isn’t that right, Kobi?’
‘Yes. Nice to meet you, Ms Smith.’ Phew . He bends his upper body forward ever so slightly. ‘I am most honoured to be here. I hope I may serve you well.’ Laying it on a bit thick though .
‘Ooh, he has lovely manners, Maeve. Don’t you have lovely manners, eh?’
‘Thank you,’ says Kobi. ‘My greeting is an excerpt from The Servile Robot Lexicon . This antiquated textbook from 1986 aimed to teach robots how to reassure humans they would not be destroyed in an impending robot uprising.’
I hear myself laugh loudly. ‘He has a great sense of humour, Sandra. Just terrific. Very advanced. You wouldn’t believe it.’
Sandra laughs along, stands up and walks around the table to us. ‘You are funny, Kobi! Maeve, he seems like a right cheeky one. You must have your hands full.’
‘He still has a lot to learn about human relationships,’ I offer.
‘Don’t we all, pet, don’t we all. Listen, Kobi, we have all sorts working here.
We are going to treat you just like every other member of staff, all right?
In fact, I’ve got some homework here for you.
’ She picks up a USB stick from the desk.
‘Now, on here, I’ve put all our company policies and the employee handbook.
I want you to read all of these documents and agree to them, okay, love?
I’ve put them on here to make it easy for you to read them. Now, where shall I…?’
She looks at me, but Kobi says, ‘I will read them now.’
He steps forward to position himself directly in front of Sandra. He places his hands onto her shoulders. I expect her to recoil, but she doesn’t move. I can tell he’s scanning her face.
‘Shane was correct. You are an objectively beautiful woman,’ he tells her.
I’m never leaving those two alone again. Shane and Kobi, I mean.
‘Kobi!’ I say. ‘Sorry, Sandra, he can come out with some random stuff.’
Sandra just laughs lightly. I hear a low buzzing sound as Kobi opens up a hidden compartment in his lower abdominal region. ‘Please be gentle,’ he says. I can’t tell if he’s joking.
‘Sandra, you don’t have to…’ I begin, but Sandra speaks at the same time .
‘It’s okay.’ Her voice is soft. She tilts her face up and looks into Kobi’s eyes, such as they are. Without looking down, she inserts the USB stick into the slot. She emits a small sound, then smiles. Kobi’s compartment door buzzes back into place.
‘Thank you,’ he says, releasing Sandra’s shoulders.
She takes a step back and touches her hair. Her voice resumes its normal volume. ‘Okay, now, when you’ve read all those…’
‘I have read them,’ Kobi says.
‘What do you mean?’ she says.
‘I have read all of the documents. There are three typos – below average for human-created documents – and the diversity policy needs an update.’
‘Ooh, you are fast, Kobi. Isn’t he fast, Maeve? Mind you, speed is not always a good thing, am I right?’
I suddenly remember my Monday morning presentation at the all-hands meeting. Why did I say that Kobi would help two people by the end of the week? ‘Sandra, can Kobi help you with anything while he’s here?’ Then I remember that I specifically said the two people would not be JP or Sandra.
‘Let me have a think. D’you know what? Kobi, why don’t you do me a favour and create a report with the title “Staff compliance with HR policies”. That should keep you busy for a while. You can send it to me in a couple of weeks when it’s done.’
D’oh! I try and fail to imagine a scenario where this is seen as helpful to anyone other than JP or Sandra.
‘Well, I suppose we should be getting back…’ I say.
‘Maeve, hang on a minute. Kobi, love, would you mind waiting for Maeve in the corridor? We just need to have a quick chat.’
My pulse spikes. A ‘quick chat’ with HR is never a good thing. I reluctantly lead Kobi into the corridor and give him strict instructions not to interact with anyone. I position him so I can keep an eye on him through the glass door, angling the chair in front of Sandra’s desk before I sit in it.
‘Sandra, just to let you know, Kobi’s hearing seems to be really good, so he’ll probably be able to hear whatever you say. ’
‘That’s okay. So, tell me, how are you getting on?
’ She gives me a closed-lip smile, her head inclined sideways.
I’ve seen that look before. A mix of concern and sympathy.
Just for a second, I’m back at my father’s funeral.
I push the memory away, hoping the dull throb in my solar plexus will go away with it.
Wonder what Kobi would say about human versus robot memory.
It’s time for a game of HR poker . ‘Ah, you know…’ Shane says vagueness is a trump card.
Her smile fades. ‘The thing is, Maeve, we really want this to work out.’ I guess two can play the vague game. I want to ask what she specifically means by ‘this’, but I don’t want to show my hand.
‘JP will be very disappointed if this doesn’t go well.’ Her eyes flick to the door. Okay, so she means The Kobi Project. ‘He’s trying to embrace innovation, you know.’
I almost burst out laughing. Has she been down to the IT department lately?
‘Well, I’ll try my best,’ I offer.
‘Good, because if you can’t cope, we can ask Jen to take over.’ Doesn’t she know about Jen’s high blood pressure? Or maybe she does, but doesn’t care? ‘And I suppose we’ll find something else for you to do.’
‘Something else? Why do you say it like that? You mean my normal job, right?’
She gives me the closed-lip smile again, this time shaking her head slowly.
‘Maeve, I’m going to be honest with you here – give you a heads-up.
The reason why Duncan Canning said you had capacity to take on this extra project is because, frankly, we’re in a situation where we have two people doing the same job, but really only enough work for one. ’
Two people. She means me and Shane . It’s true, work has slowed down a bit lately, but I thought that was just because of the seasons.
Summer is always the busiest for Irish tourism.
We’re not exactly known for our grey drizzly winters.
Maybe Duncan Canning did use AI to write the New York ad campaign.
Maybe he’s planning to replace us with it.
I glance over at Kobi. He’s clearly not built for marketing, but maybe he’ll replace someone in a factory someday soon.
I remember what Josh said about the tide. Am I about to be washed away?
As much as I complain about my job, I’d rather leave on my own terms, ideally with something better to go to. My résumé is already a shattered kaleidoscope of skills and experience that don’t match.
‘So what you’re saying is…’
‘All I’m saying is it would probably be in your best interests to make yourself useful around here, Maeve.’