Page 43 of Captivated (Salvation #3)

Chapter Thirty-Seven

Nate finished loading the dishwasher, then made coffee.

I even miss Zeeb’s coffee. Especially first thing in the morning, when he’d only just woken up, and Zeeb brought it to him, wearing those shorts that were way too thin, because Nate could make out his?—

Don’t. Don’t go there.

Except that was the problem. He wanted to go there. At least, sometimes he did.

Not for the first time, rage bubbled up within him. There had been some ‘patients’ at the camp who’d ended up there when they’d been caught having sex. Nate had been subjected to the same programs, the same horrendous treatment, and yet he’d been a virgin.

I still am.

God, that burned him.

Conversion therapy had stolen precious years when he could have been exploring his sexuality, learning about himself.

It had robbed him of self-confidence. Dating?

Impossible. He’d felt physically sick when he’d even thought about starting a relationship, swamped by feelings that it was wrong.

Flooded with guilt for being gay, when he hadn’t done one damn thing to feel guilty about.

They told me I was unlovable. Unworthy of love. That God couldn’t bear who I was.

Nate forced himself to take a deep breath.

You’re better than this.

He braced his arms against the countertop, his head bowed. Memories washed over him, recollections of that morning in Montana when he’d decided enough was enough. When he’d taken that huge step.

Yeah, what he was experiencing right then was definitely a backwards one.

“Nate.”

He straightened. “Sorry. I was having a moment.” He glanced at Dad standing in the doorway. “Coffee’ll be right out.”

“Actually, that’s what I want to talk to you about—these moments of yours. Bring the coffee into the living room when it’s ready.” Then he turned and walked away.

There was something in Dad’s voice he couldn’t quantify, but it made the skin on Nate’s arms pebble and the hairs stand to attention.

As soon as the coffeepot finished beeping, he poured two cups, added creamer to his own, and carried them into the living room. The TV was silent, and that was enough to send a shiver through him.

That wasn’t the only indicator something was up. There had been the phone call earlier when Dad had shut the door. A very long call.

What’s going on?

Dad patted the seat cushion beside him on the couch. “Come sit.”

Nate joined him, clasping his hands in his lap because at least that kept them still. “You look so serious.” The butterflies in his stomach were having a square dance by the feel of it.

“I’ve been doing a lot of thinking since we spoke a few days ago.” Dad stared into his coffee. “You remember I said I’d try to help you?”

Nate pasted on a smile he didn’t feel. “You’ve found a magic lamp.”

Dad chuckled. “Not exactly.” He turned his head toward Nate, his eyes bright. “I think it’s time you left the nest.”

He stilled. “You… you want me to move out?”

Nate took shallow breaths, a tingling in his chest, adrenaline shooting through him.

I can’t. I’m not ready for that.

“Yes, but before you have a full-on meltdown, you need to realize I won’t be throwing you out onto the streets. In fact, I’ve already arranged a new home for you—if you like the idea.” He smiled. “And something tells me you’ll love it.”

Nate stared at him, a fluttering in his stomach, his chest tight.

He can’t mean…

“Okay, hear me out before you say anything.” Dad put his cup down and took Nate’s hand in his.

“I’ve been talking to Robert Thorston about the possibility of you moving to Salvation.

He’s discussed it with Toby and a couple of others, and they’ve agreed, with a few provisos.

You’d be one of the hands, but with a difference.

You’d work mostly with the horses.” Dad smiled.

“I thought you might like that part. But you’d also continue to do your illustrations. They’d like your illustrations too.”

Nate blinked. “Seriously?”

Dad nodded. “They want you to sketch and paint Salvation, then allow them to put them on the website. They’d pay you, of course, but they’d get unlimited use of the artwork to put on mailers, cards, their newsletter, things like that.

And they’d make sure you had a space to work in.

You’d receive food and lodging. That might be in the bunkhouse initially, but they’re working on that.

And it isn’t as if you wouldn’t see me.” His eyes twinkled.

“I’ll still be going there regularly to spend a week at the Leather Barn.

” He gave Nate’s hand a gentle squeeze. “I figure twenty-six is a good age to leave home.”

His pulse quickened, and it felt as though his whole body was vibrating.

“What about Dr. Lacey? My therapy?”

Dad sighed. “I spoke with him yesterday. We both agree that you’ve gone as far as he can take you.

He thinks this new perspective would help.

He would be available to speak with Sol, or with you, if you need to reach out to him.

And Sol would be there for you.” He bit his lip.

“It’s my personal opinion, however, that the best therapy for you is Montana’s open skies, horses—and a certain cowboy. ”

Nate’s heartbeat raced. “Does he know about this?”

“No one knows, apart from Robert, Toby, Teague, and Sol. They’re waiting to see what you think of the idea.” Dad tilted his head to one side. “So what do I tell them?”

“You… you’re really okay with this?”

Dad’s smile was tinged with sadness. “I’ll miss you, of course.

Life won’t be the same without you. But it feels like the right time.

” He gave Nate an earnest glance. “You don’t have to go along with any of it.

It is your choice. But we need to think about what’s best for you.

For your future happiness.” His face tightened.

“Lord knows, you’re overdue some of that. ”

Nate flung his arms around his dad and hugged him, warmth radiating through him. “Thank you,” he whispered.

Dad’s arms enfolded him. “He’d better treat you right, or he’ll have me to deal with.”

Nate chuckled, Dad’s cheek rough against his. Then he pulled back and looked Dad in the eye. “Aren’t you jumping the gun a bit?”

“A man can hope, can’t he?” Dad ruffled Nate’s hair. “You just need to give it a chance, see what develops.”

“And what about you?”

Dad frowned. “What about me?” He rolled his eyes. “I can take care of myself, you know. I’ve been living alone for almost as long as you’ve been alive.”

“That’s my point. Maybe it’s time you weren’t alone. You’re only fifty. There’s plenty of time for you to find someone.” Nate gazed at the face he’d grown to love. “And if you get a second chance, take it, and don’t let go of it this time.”

“I think that chance has already passed me by.” Dad smiled. “But thanks for giving me permission.” He leaned back. “So… I’ll call Robert to tell him you love the idea. He’ll want to know when you’ll be there. What should I tell him? When do you want to move?”

Nate grinned. “How long do you think it will take to pack up everything in my room?”

Dad smirked. “Considering how minimalistic it is? Maybe ten minutes.” He laughed. “You could be done before bedtime.”

There was a drumming in Nate’s chest, and if he put words to it, he knew exactly what they’d be.

I’m going to Zeeb.

I’m going to Zeeb.

I’m going to Zeeb.

August 12, 2024

Dad peered into the trunk. “I don’t think you could fit another thing in here.” He closed it, then opened the rear door to stare at the boxes on the seats, the bags stuffed into every crevice. “This can’t be all your stuff. Where were you hiding all this?”

“I packed all my clothes, my artist equipment, my books…” He gave Dad an apologetic smile. “I packed everything I thought I’d need.”

Dad closed the door. “I’ll see you at the end of the month. I’ve already booked my stay. You should be fairly settled by then.” He seized Nate in a tight hug. “Drive safe. Text me when you get there.” He kissed the top of Nate’s head. “Love you.”

“Love you too. I’ll stay in touch.”

Dad smiled. “I won’t worry about you if you don’t. Well, not too much.” He chuckled. “Lord, what I wouldn’t give to be a fly on the wall when Zeeb sees you.”

Nate was hoping to see the same elation he’d been experiencing ever since he’d made the decision to leave.

Dad cupped Nate’s chin. “Be prepared. This might not be as easy as you think.”

“Who says that’s what I think?” Nate let out a sigh.

“I’ve done my best to put the horrors of the camp behind me, but that still leaves me mistrusting my feelings, my desires.

Dr. Lacey helped rewire my reactions, but progress has been kind of one step forward, then backslide, then forward again.

” He tapped a finger against his temple.

“In here, I’ve moved on. How my body reacts in new situations? That’s something else.”

Dad placed his hands on Nate’s shoulders.

“If I could give you only one thought to bear in mind as you start this new journey, it would be this.” He smiled.

“It’s okay to want someone. I know intimacy scares you, but it shouldn’t.

Attraction isn’t deviant—it’s beautiful.

And your desires aren’t urges to be resisted.

They’re expressions of connection, joy—love. ”

Nate’s throat tightened. “That’s a good thought.”

He’d already imagined what he’d say to Zeeb, should the moment arrive.

I want you. Not because I’m broken, or healing, or proving something. I just want you. And that’s okay.

Nate prayed he’d get the chance to say those words.

Dad kissed his forehead. “And now you need to leave before I cry.”

He gave Dad one last hug, then got behind the wheel. He rolled the window down. “See you soon.” His chest was still tight.

Dad waved as Nate pulled onto the street and turned right.

He had a long drive ahead of him, but all those miles were taking him where he wanted to be, to start a very different life.

Taking him to Zeeb.