Page 11 of Captivated (Salvation #3)
Chapter Ten
The darkening sky was starting to ring alarm bells.
“Do you get many storms in the summer?”
Zeeb glanced at the horizon. “Yeah, sometimes we get a really good thunderstorm. And seein’ as today was hotter ‘n’ hell, looks like we’re in for a nasty one.” He stood. “Maybe we should leave now. Don’t wanna get caught in it.”
Nate nodded. He packed away his pencils, closed the sketch pad, and folded up the easel. They made their way hurriedly to the wagon, and Zeeb wasted no time hitting the trail back to Salvation.
“It’s scary,” Nate commented, staring at the heavy-looking clouds rolling in. The heat was oppressive, and while storms made him nervous, he couldn’t wait for it to break.
As long as it waited until he was someplace dry.
By the time they reached Salvation, the clouds were a mix of purple and black, and the rolls of thunder grew louder and more frequent.
Zeeb unhitched the horses, led them into the stable, then the two of them took Zeeb’s truck and headed for Nate’s cabin.
As they stepped onto the front porch, lightning snaked a path across the sky, brilliant against the darkness.
Nate hugged himself, shivering.
“You okay?”
He glanced at Zeeb. “Not a fan of storms.”
“Then what the fuck are we doin’ out here? Let’s get you inside.”
Nate opened the front door, and Zeeb followed him, carrying the art equipment.
“I know there’s hot chocolate in the kitchen. Want a cup?”
Nate gave a grateful nod and Zeeb went about his task. Lightning illuminated the cabin’s interior, and Nate curled up on the couch, his arms wrapped around his knees. The aroma of hot chocolate wafted from the kitchen.
Zeeb rejoined him, placing two cups on the coffee table. He gazed toward the window with a hint of a smile.
Nate frowned. “You like storms?”
Zeeb leaned back, his legs stretched out. “They don’t bother me none.” He sighed. “Matter of fact, it was during a storm like this one that something pretty momentous happened.” He fell silent for a moment, than glanced at Nate. “Something no one here knows about.”
The air was charged with electricity, and Nate was certain it had nothing to do with the storm.
“You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to.
It’s not as if I’m going to tell anyone, right?
You and Paul are the only people I’ve met here.
” He cocked his head. “You were smiling, so it wasn’t an unhappy memory. ”
Zeeb picked up his cup. “Nope, it wasn’t. And it could’ve been life-changing.” He scowled. “But what followed a while after it sure changed everything.”
Nate forgot about the thunder, the lightning, and focused on the lean man beside him.
“ Can you tell me?”
Zeeb studied the dark brown liquid in his cup, and goosebumps erupted on Nate’s arms.
“The storm had just hit, I was soaked to the skin, and I was behind my daddy’s barn.” He swallowed. “And I kissed my best friend.”
Nate couldn’t help feeling there was a lot more to Zeeb’s story than a simple kiss. Despite his roiling stomach, his nervous jumps every time the thunder rolled, Nate wanted to hear more.
Whatever this is, it’s important.
“Did this friend have a name?”
Zeeb said nothing, and the seconds ticked by. Finally, he raised his chin and looked Nate in the eye.
“Yeah. His name was Lucas.”
Just saying the name sent a shudder through him.
How many years has it been? Twenty-five years? Almost twenty-six?
Zeeb could still recall the pain that had speared through him when Lucas blanked him, crossed the street to avoid him, and in fact distanced himself altogether.
Nate’s breathing caught. “Oh.”
Zeeb peered through the window. “Storm’s passing. I should leave.”
“You don’t have to go,” Nate blurted. “I… I want to hear about Lucas.” He paused. “If you can talk about it.”
Zeeb forced a smile. “It was a long time ago. Lotta water under the bridge since then.”
“You said it changed everything. I want to hear how.”
He took a deep breath. “I guess it all started when I was about thirteen, maybe fourteen. I had this sense of bein’…
I dunno… different. My friends were dating girls, and my mom was always askin’ me if there was a girl I especially liked.
” Zeeb sipped his hot chocolate. “What I couldn’t tell her was that while there were a few girls I liked… there were also a few boys.”
There. I said it. Words he’d never uttered since the day he left his daddy’s farm.
Zeeb felt giddy as fuck.
“Why couldn’t you tell her?”
“At first I used that phrase I’d heard on TV—just a phase. I told myself those feelings wouldn’t last.”
“But they did, didn’t they?”
Zeeb took another sip. “Yeah, even though I fought like hell not to have them. I knew they wouldn’t sit well with my dad. He had very clear ideas on what it meant to be a man. And I knew that telling anyone how I felt about Lucas? That would only bring shame. It had to be a secret.”
“How old were you when you kissed Lucas behind the barn?”
Zeeb smiled. “Sixteen. Lord, we were both so freakin’ nervous, an’ it was only a kiss , for fuck’s sake.
” It had been tentative, and full of a longing Zeeb had never fully acknowledged.
For a while after that, Lucas and Zeeb shared similar stolen moments of intimacy, though neither of them was ready to confront what it truly meant.
“Was that all you did—kiss?”
Zeeb snorted. “You bet your ass. I was too damn scared to do anything more.” Too afraid to face what it might mean for his place in the world and in his family. Lucas was of the same mindset.
“What happened?” Nate’s voice was soft.
Zeeb put his cup down. “The summer after I turned eighteen was when everything came to a head. My dad had been pushing me harder to take on more responsibility at the farm.” His stomach clenched.
“He expected me to prove my worth as a man, as his heir. Kept saying one day the farm would be my responsibility. Except I didn’t want that.
” He huffed. “Lord, I was a mess. I didn’t know if I was comin’ or going.
” He glanced at Nate. “I was still unsure of who I was, and I knew if I was going to discover that, I’d need to leave and go explore a little, see life outside of Idaho.
” He’d wanted more than the rigid, small-town life his dad envisioned for him.
“Did you tell your dad that?”
Zeeb nodded. His dreams of getting away and finding out what Zeeb Nolan could be clashed with his dad’s expectations, and the tension between them became unbearable.
“Life got pretty uncomfortable after that. And then came the night we locked horns.” He swallowed.
“He’d found out about Lucas, and that was the last straw. ”
“How? How did he find out?”
“Only thing I can think of is that someone saw us, and hightailed it to my dad. Neither of us told a living soul. We were always so goddamn careful. And hell, compared to some of the stuff I see online these days, we were practically nuns.” Nate arched his eyebrows, and Zeeb coughed. “Okay, I’ve watched porn. Who hasn’t?”
He wasn’t about to admit his taste in porn was pretty diverse.
“What did your dad say?”
Zeeb could still hear his voice.
“He told me I wasn’t welcome back home if I couldn’t ‘be a real man.’” The words had stung, and in that moment, Zeeb had realized his father’s love and acceptance came with conditions he couldn’t meet.
His identity, his true self, was not something his father could ever accept.
The argument had escalated, with Zeeb shouting back, ‘I’m not your idea of a man, and I never will be. ’
“What happened after that?”
Zeeb’s face tightened. “Lucas backed off. It was like we’d never been friends. And then the day came that I saw him in the street with a girl on his arm. He saw me, turned to her and kissed her, then walked off in the opposite direction. That was the night I left Idaho.”
He’d packed a small bag and took off, hitchhiking to the nearest city, anxious to leave behind the suffocation of his hometown.
“I spent the next few years drifting from place to place. I worked odd jobs: construction, waiting on tables, anything that could help me survive. I lived in various cities, always on the move, as though I expected the shame and the fear of being discovered to follow me.”
It took until the age of twenty-two when he’d started working on a ranch in Wyoming that he began to feel a sense of purpose again, away from the clutches of his father’s expectations.
He loved the work—horseback riding, caring for the animals, the camaraderie—but he also began to feel something was missing in his life.
“Did you date guys?”
Zeeb shook his head. “I stuck with women, always keepin’ it casual.”
“But why? There’s nothing wrong in being bisexual.”
“I guess I was nervous.” He snorted. “No, that’s not true.
I was afraid of being seen as weak or less-than by the people around me.
” Another sigh rolled out of him. “I left Idaho because I knew I couldn’t stay in a place where I would constantly be fighting to hide who I was.
Dad’s rejection was the final push that forced me to face the truth about myself: I would never be able to live up to his ideal, an’ I didn’t want to.
Staying in Idaho meant living a lie, and I couldn’t do that anymore.
” He left to find a place where he could just exist, without the heavy burden of expectations.
The ranch in Wyoming represented a fresh start, even though he had to hide parts of himself there too.
Nate’s words sank in.
“Getting out from under my dad’s shadow did one thing. I began to accept I was bi. That didn’t mean I was ready to announce it to a world that might not understand.” He smiled. “And then when I was thirty, I arrived at Salvation.”
Watching Robert and Kevin, the ranch foreman and Robert’s lover, had helped Zeeb grow more comfortable with the idea that he could love whoever he wanted, regardless of gender. The ranch became a place where he could find peace and some form of community.
Nate’s breathing hitched. “Dad said the ranch hands were mainly gay and bi, but that one of them was a late developer.” He stared at Zeeb. “Was he talking about you?”
“How would I know?” Zeeb chuckled. “I just don’t talk about that kinda stuff. I’m not Zeeb Nolan, Bisexual. It don’t define who I am. It’s just a part of my life.” He sighed. “Everyone’s so keen to put people into little boxes an’ label ’em. Love ain’t about fitting into someone else’s mold.”
And one day he’d find the right person to share his life with.
He smiled. “It’s fun to keep ’em all guessin’, though.
I like to mess with their heads, lettin’ ’em try to put a label on me.
” Zeeb glanced at the window. “An’ that’s enough talk for tonight.
Storm’s over so I’d best be gettin’ back to the bunkhouse to fetch your supper.
” He stood. “One thing, though. How about tomorrow, we get you on a horse?” Zeeb stared at him. “Think you wanna give it a try?”
Nate bit his lip. “Can I say maybe, and see what tomorrow brings?”
He smiled. “Sure.” He paused. “And as for what I just said, I?—”
“I won’t tell a soul,” Nate assured him.
“Thank you.” Zeeb headed for the door. “I’ll be back shortly.” He stepped outside and walked around the cabin to where he’d left the truck.
Why the fuck did you share all that?
It was ancient history, sure, but Zeeb kept his life before Salvation a secret. It hadn’t been a spur-of-the-moment thing.
I want him to trust me.
And if sharing something deeply personal would make Nate feel comfortable enough to talk about his own story, then Zeeb would count that as a win.
What occupied his mind as he drove to the bunkhouse shocked him.
I wonder where Lucas is now?
Zeeb hoped he was happy, both in his work and in his life.
As happy as I am.
If he could find someone to share his days with and keep him warm at night, Zeeb would be happier still.
Then he grinned.
Imagine the faces of all those guys in the bunkhouse if that someone was a man.