Page 32 of Captivated (Salvation #3)

Chapter Twenty-Eight

I think I’ve missed something.

Nate hadn’t said much during breakfast. He’d eaten well, stirred his coffee, and listened.

Something had shifted. He could feel it, and he had an inkling it had nothing to do with him.

Teague plucked his hat from its hook. “I don’t know what you two have got planned for today, but I could use some help. Walt spotted some fences down near the south pasture last night. Think you could go fix ’em? There’s a coil of wire in the barn.”

Zeeb finished his coffee. “Sure, I can do that.” He glanced at Nate. “You okay if I desert you? I’m sure you must have some illustrations to do.”

Nate came to a rapid decision.

“If it’s okay with you, can I tag along? I might even be able to help.”

Zeeb’s eyes sparkled. “Works for me. Just remember to bring your hat.” His gaze dipped to Nate’s bare arms. “And maybe some sunscreen.” His lips twitched. “Don’t want you going back to Idaho burnt to a crisp.”

Paul came back into the bunkhouse. “I just had a call from Robert. We’re to expect a new arrival this afternoon.”

Teague arched his eyebrows. “Seeing that he called you and not me, I’m going to assume the arrival has four legs and hooves.”

Paul nodded. “Except it’s not a horse—it’s a pony.” Then his face tightened. “Someone’s treated him pretty bad.”

Zeeb scowled. “Then whoever did that needs to be strung up by his balls, assumin’ he has ’em.

” He pushed his chair back. “Okay then, time to earn my pay.” Another glance to Nate.

“We’ll collect the wire, hammer and nails, then we’ll take my truck.

” He gave a lopsided grin. “Right after I take that shower.” Nate blinked, and Zeeb snickered. “I kinda got distracted.”

“How far is the south pasture?”

He chuckled. “Far enough that we can’t get there on foot.”

Nate stood. “Give me ten minutes, and I’ll be right with you.

” Plenty of time to return to the cabin, brush his teeth—and find the sunscreen Dad had stuffed into his bag.

He’d been careful so far, but the prospect of being out in the open, with that hot sun beating down on Nate’s exposed flesh, told him extra precautions were called for.

Zeeb’s arms were tanned, as was the skin showing above the neckline of his tank top. Then Nate recalled the pallor of Zeeb’s ass as he’d plunged into the cool waters of the lake. “Not all of you gets the sun, does it?” He couldn’t resist a smile.

Zeeb blinked, and all of a sudden Nate got the impression Zeeb didn’t want Teague knowing Nate had seen him in all his glory.

It was pretty glorious too. Not overly long, but thick. Very thick.

Heat bloomed on Nate’s cheeks. He’d tried not to stare, but the sight had been mesmerizing, especially before the coolness of the water had gotten to it.

It took him a moment to realize that was the first time he’d thought about another man’s dick, and he hadn’t been overcome by shame and guilt.

Damn. It felt like a victory. An achievement.

They walked the fence line, Zeeb carrying a hammer and nails, Nate the coil of wire. The morning sun warmed their backs, and a breeze kicked dust up from the road running alongside the fence.

They hadn’t spoken much since leaving the barn, and Nate didn’t mind that one bit. It was a comfortable silence, and he was glad neither of them felt the need to fill it with chat.

Zeeb pointed to a loose rail. “We’ll start here.

” He knelt beside it. “Gimme the end of the wire.” Nate unrolled a little of it.

“Now hold it there. Use the pliers.” Nate did as instructed and Zeeb began hammering.

When he no longer needed to hold the wire, Nate leaned on a nearby post, his arms crossed, pretending not to stare as Zeeb’s arms and back flexed.

Something had shifted, all right. Nate had woken up to the realization that Zeeb was a good-looking man.

No, it was more than that. He might even stretch his description to say Zeeb was hot. The fifteen years or so that separated them apparently didn’t matter. Something in him called to Nate, and Nate didn’t have a clue what to do about that.

Who says I have to do anything? It was enough to admire the view.

Zeeb glanced at him, and grinned. “This is you helpin’, is it? You gonna stand there and watch?”

“You’re quieter than usual,” Nate observed. “Well, more than your usual quiet.”

Zeeb grunted and went back to his hammering. “That right?”

“Breakfast was... different,” Nate said carefully. “Everyone kept looking at you as if you’d grown wings, or confessed to being royalty.” It was the closest he could get to describing the atmosphere in the bunkhouse.

Zeeb gave a dry chuckle and stood, wiping his hands on his jeans. “Not quite royalty. Just told ’em I’m bi. Not that they didn’t already know, of course, but it was the first time I’d said it out loud.” He glanced at Nate. “To them, at least. You were my first.”

Nate blinked. “Oh.”

“Yeah.”

“Huh.”

Zeeb quirked an eyebrow. “That all you got?”

Nate laughed, rubbing the back of his neck. “No, I just… I thought maybe I’d missed something. I guess I did.”

“You didn’t miss much.” Zeeb leaned against the fence post, facing him. “Butch kinda… gave me a nudge. Said it was time I quit pretending it didn’t matter. So I told the boys right before you came in to breakfast. Figured they’d give me hell.”

“And did they?” Nate tried to read his expression.

“Oh yeah.” Zeeb gave a lopsided grin. “But the usual kind. Walt called me Loverboy. Teague threatened to punch anyone who gave me crap about it. Butch did too for that matter.” His eyes twinkled. “You know. Standard ranch love language.”

Nate’s lips curved into a slow smile. “Sounds about right.”

Zeeb’s eyes flicked to him. “I wasn’t gonna say anything more about it to you unless it came up.

You know, beyond what I already told you.

You got enough to deal with. You don’t need me babblin’ on about my sexual preferences.

” He snickered. “Except now they’re gonna be doin’ the babbling.

Nothing they love more than talkin’ ’bout sex.

Who’s getting laid, who isn’t.” He grinned.

“I just handed them a gift. This is all they’re gonna yak about for days . ”

“Thank you for trusting me with this.” And he meant it. Zeeb had never once pushed him. Never prodded at old scars or asked for stories he wasn’t ready to tell. He’d just sat with him. Talked. Listened.

Been there.

“I’m glad you felt you could tell me,” Nate said in a quiet voice. “And I’m glad the others took it how they did.”

Zeeb pointed to the wire. “Let out a little more, okay?” He swung his hammer at the nail securing the wire, and just like that, Nate was staring again. “They’re good men. Rough around the edges, sure, but their hearts are in the right place.”

Nate looked down at the grass, the sunlight glinting off the wire in his hand.

“About you spending nights at my cabin… You’re really okay with that?”

And is the only reason you stayed because I asked?

He knew what he wanted to ask—if Zeeb had noticed Nate the way Nate was starting to see Zeeb now. As an attractive man.

“’Course I am. I wouldn’t have stayed otherwise.” He met Nate’s gaze, his eyes warm. “Besides, I like bein’ around you.”

Nate nodded, his throat thick. “I like being around you too.”

They were back to that silence again, the kind that didn’t need filling. The fence stretched out like a spine across the land, and the dust danced in the sunlight.

Zeeb nudged his shoulder. “Come on, cowboy. Still got a few more fence posts to finish before lunch.”

Nate smiled. “Lead the way.”

The sun was at its highest, the fence posts were solid, the wire taut. Nate’s hands had grown familiar with the rhythm of it, and the soreness in his muscles felt good, steady.

His mind kept drifting back to Zeeb.

He said he’d told his fellow ranch hands so casually. I’m bi. As though it was simply a part of him, no different from the way his boots fit or how the weather smelled in the mornings. Zeeb didn’t apologize. He didn’t even seem to wrestle with it much. It was just... there.

Nate couldn’t stop turning it over and over in his head.

I spent years drowning in doubt.

His whole life had been measured by what he wasn’t supposed to feel. The therapy. The rejection. The voice that told him, every day, for years, that being who he was would burn his world to the ground, to say nothing of an eternity of pain, and all for wanting to love someone.

He’d lived with that shame, that fight to bury what his body and heart craved.

Zeeb stood there, steady and sure, as if it didn’t need any explanation at all. It confused the fuck out of Nate, but it was also something else. Something Nate didn’t know how to name.

He paused in the middle of tightening the wire, the pliers slipping from his hands as a thought rose unbidden.

What if I could have just been me, all along?

It was a simple question, but it crashed over him with all the force of a Dodge Ram.

“Zeeb?” Nate’s voice was quieter than he meant it to be, as though he was stepping into a room full of ghosts.

Zeeb looked up from where he was fixing a crooked post. “Yeah?”

Nate shifted on his feet, trying to collate his thoughts. “Can I ask you something?”

“Sure.” Zeeb straightened, wiping sweat from his brow with the back of his hand.

Nate’s heart pounded a little harder. “What was it like? For you… when you figured it out. You know, when you first realized?”

Zeeb gave him a sideways glance, then leaned on the post, his expression turning serious. “You mean being bi?”

Nate nodded. The air felt heavy all of a sudden, but he didn’t want to back down. He had to understand.

“I guess it was different for me than it was for you.” Zeeb’s voice was lower, with that thoughtful tone Nate had heard a few times.

“I know my dad thought I’d grown up wrong, but I didn’t have no one tryin’ to fix me.

” He snorted. “He just didn’t want me around.

” Another swipe of his hand across his brow.

“And like I told you, it took me years to figure out what I felt, what felt real. And when I did? It wasn’t some big revelation. It was just… me. Y’know?”

Nate shifted uncomfortably. “I don’t know what that’s like. I never got to just… be.”

Zeeb’s face softened. He set the hammer down on the ground and moved closer, his voice low but steady. “I can’t pretend I understand all the shit you’ve been through, Nate. But… you don’t have to carry that burden alone anymore. Not on this ranch. And definitely not with me.”

Nate swallowed hard, his eyes stinging. He couldn’t tell if the tightness in his throat was from relief or pain.

Maybe both.

“You know,” Zeeb continued, “I know why I didn’t tell the guys until now. Not ’cause I was ashamed, but because it was just part of me. But I get why it’s different for you. And for a lot of folks. It’s not always as simple as just sayin’ it out loud.”

Nate looked down at his own hands, which shook a little. The wire in his grip felt cold, foreign, as if he didn’t even know how to hold something without the weight of everything he’d been taught pulling on him.

Everything he’d been told to believe.

“I spent so many years…” Nate’s voice cracked, but he couldn’t stop it.

“So many years trying to make myself disappear. Trying to convince myself I was wrong. That I wasn’t allowed to want what I wanted.

Not because of what I felt, but because of what I’d been told.

All those years… It’s like I’ve never been allowed to exist without the guilt and the shame. ”

Zeeb’s gaze was warm, compassionate. He took another step closer, his voice lower still. “I’m sorry you had to go through that, Nate. No one should have to fight their own heart. And if there’s any part of me that can help you find some peace in that? I’m here for you.”

Nate swallowed again. The words he’d uttered were like rocks in his throat. He hadn’t meant to say that much, but it had come spilling out, the truth he hadn’t let himself touch in years.

The part of him still raw from the years of fighting it all.

“I guess I just don’t know what it means to be me. Not without the shame.”

Zeeb studied him for a long moment, then placed his hand on Nate’s shoulder and squeezed. “You’re already here, Nate. You don’t gotta figure it all out in one day.”

Nate blinked, the sudden warmth of the touch catching him off guard. He gazed at Zeeb, and his heart ached when he saw Zeeb’s eyes. They didn’t hold pity or judgment, but understanding.

In that moment, it seemed as though the weight of everything that had been pressing down on him changed its mass. It wasn’t gone. It wasn’t fixed either.

It was lighter.

Nate took a deep breath. “I think maybe I could get used to having people like you around.”

Zeeb smiled. “Good. ’Cause I’m stickin’ around whether you like it or not.”

Nate chuckled. “I think I can live with that.”

“Well, for as long as you’re here.” He cocked his head. “You know, once you go back home, that don’t mean we can’t still talk. I’m not going to walk away from you. We’re friends, and I want to be there for you as long as you need—or want—me.”

Something inside Nate unraveled the tiniest bit, leaving him feeling a little less constricted.

Then they went back to working side by side, Nate wrapped in his own thoughts, and Zeeb apparently in his. Nate couldn’t shake the feeling that, for the first time in his life, he might actually be able to start the process of healing. To stop pretending.

What Zeeb had been trying to tell him since he’d arrived at Salvation had finally found its mark.

I don’t have to carry it all alone.