Page 43 of Can’t Let You Go (Ivy Ridge #3)

FALLON

I sink to my knees at the sight of Jason at my front door. His eyes are full of so much anguish, so much worry, I lose it. He’s here. I don’t know how he knew I needed him, but he did. He’s here, and I finally break. The final piece that I’ve been trying to hold together for hours finally shatters.

“Shh,” Jason croons, opening the door further to let himself in. He kneels in front of me, wrapping his arms around my body and pulling me into him. “I’ve got you, sunshine. Let it out.”

I do. I let all the pain I’ve kept buried explode as he holds me in the entryway of my house. He closed the door at some point, giving us privacy from the leering eyes of my neighbors.

I let him hold me until some of my tears dry, and all the while, Jase is murmuring words of encouragement in my ears, telling me it’s okay to cry, to give him my pain. He doesn’t even know what’s wrong with me, and yet he’s here, taking care of me.

I pull away from him and work to stand. Jason helps me, holding me up and in his embrace.

I was trying so hard to keep my shit together today, but something finally made me snap.

I still don’t know what it was. I knew today was going to be hard, but I’d hoped the festivities would help keep my mind off things.

It did to an extent, but there is only so much I could do to keep myself present.

I lead Jason down the hall toward my bedroom, where I’ve been wallowing since I got home.

He follows, kicking off his shoes and holding my hand.

I’m still in my dress from earlier. When I got home, I was unable to even think about changing.

Now, I want it off. I need to get rid of the scratchy fabric and out of this fucking bra.

Tears are still silently streaming down my face, but having Jason here is sort of like a Band-Aid on the bullet wound. I’m not naive. I know I’ll need to give him some explanation, but for now, all I can do is change.

I dig in my dresser, sliding my dress off my shoulders and letting it fall onto the carpeted floor in a puddle of fabric.

I throw on a cotton shirt, and take my bra off underneath it, throwing that to the ground as well.

Jason stands close by me the entire time, his hand resting on my hips and moving to let my dress fall, and help me pull the shirt down.

His constant contact is helpful, something to ground me.

Once I’m ready, I head over to my bed, climbing in. I reach my hand out for Jason, and love that he doesn’t question it. He strips down to his boxers and climbs in behind me. His body molds into mine, and he pulls me against his chest.

“Thank you for coming,” I tell him through a shuddering breath.

“I’m sorry I wasn’t here sooner,” he replies. “I was trying to find you for like an hour. No one knew where you were, until finally Megan told me you weren’t okay and left.”

A watery laugh leaves my mouth. “Yeah, that’s putting it lightly. I kind of yelled at her when she tried to come home with me. I was so intent on being alone, but I know now I really didn’t want to be.” I gasp as I realize something. “Where’s Lennie?” I try to sit up, but Jason holds me down.

“Shh,” he calms me. “She’s at home, with Megan and Isaac. When I knew I needed to come here, Megan offered to take her home.”

“I owe Megan so much,” I say with resolve.

“She’s the best,” Jason responds. “I think everyone knows, or at least suspects, there is something going on between us, though.”

I shrug in his arms. “Oh well.”

“Oh well,” Jason repeats, squeezing me gently. His nonchalance toward everyone knowing gives me goosebumps. “Lennie wanted me to give you a hug from her. I told her I needed to check on you and give you a hug. She said I give good hugs.”

“You do give good hugs,” I respond. I turn around in his arms so I can look into his eyes. “I didn’t know how badly I needed one.”

“I’ve got you.” He squeezes me. I rest my cheek against his chest, letting him hold me and breathing in his scent. I let him hold me, building up the confidence to say the words out loud.

“Three years ago today, I lost my baby,” I say the words into the silence, letting the heaviness fill me again. “Three years ago, I went to the hospital to find out my husband took me off the health insurance, was filing for divorce, and waived his rights to be Presley’s dad.”

Jason sucks in a breath, holding me tighter to him as my tears fall again. “I don’t miss him, and I don’t want him back. That’s not why I’m crying,” I try to explain, but Jason stops me with a finger to my lips.

“I know, sunshine. You don’t have to explain it to me. Let me hold you while you get it out.”

His words break down another dam. Brad never held me while I cried.

He would give me a hug, and then send me off into our room to cry it out.

For a while, I was convinced that was for the best, that that’s what I needed.

But no, I needed someone to be my strong tower, the one to keep watch while I let myself endure this.

Something I have been avoiding for almost three years.

It was easy to put on the happy exterior, to shove everything down.

“Thank you,” I murmur, embracing the warmth of him around me. I let myself cry and rage and yell about how horrible Brad was for hours, and Jason lets me. He rages with me, he wipes away my tears, he even cries with me.

I was his strong tower the night he broke down about Talia, and now, it’s his turn to be mine. We can be this for each other, we can be what the other needs.

When I look at the clock, it’s nearing three a.m. I know that tomorrow is going to be a disaster.

My mom is dropping Pres off at nine-thirty, but I don’t want to close my eyes.

I don’t want to dream of a little baby I’ll never get to hold.

I don’t want to dream of the little life that will never be.

Jason’s barely keeping his eyes open, and I finally whisper, “You can go to sleep, Jase. I’m fine.”

He shakes his head hard, like he’s trying to shake off the sleep. “No, you’re not. I’m going to stay awake as long as you need me.”

I lift my head to press a gentle kiss to his lips. “You need to sleep. I need to sleep, but I can’t turn off my mind.”

“How can I help you?”

“I don’t know,” I say shakily. “I’m so tired, but every time I close my eyes, I start to dream.”

“Do you want me to read to you?” he asks out of the blue. “Sometimes, Lennie has nightmares, and the only thing that helps her is when I read to her. Can we try that?”

I nod into his chest. He rolls over, grabbing his phone from the nightstand.

I adjust so I’m laying on his chest, my ear pressed so I can hear the steady thump of his heart.

One arm wraps around my shoulder, and his thumb moves in soothing circles on my skin.

He opens up his Kindle app, and picks a book.

I don’t care what it is, as long as I get to hear his voice soothing me.

Without preamble or question, he reads. The words don’t mean anything to me. I’m not focused on the story, or what I’ve missed in the book thus far. I’m focused solely on his low, gravely, sleep deprived voice holding me captive.

He reads until my eyes grow heavy and finally fall shut.