Page 6 of Burn Bag (Owens Protective Services #31)

KAVANAUGH

“So, is this vacation everything you hoped for?” Red asked, leaning back against the log as the fire crackled in front of us.

I scowled at him, pulling my jacket tighter as I tried to get comfortable on the hard ground.

“I told you they wouldn’t let us near those yurts,” Thumper muttered.

I glanced around the desert at the other fire that was lit not too far away. Some of the other guys were taking the first watch with Fox while those of us who had to deal with him earlier took a break.

“All I wanted was some time to reevaluate life. Is that really too much to ask?”

“No, but then again, none of us are normal,” Dash retorted. “I’m not sure what you thought you’d actually accomplish.”

Fuck, I wasn’t sure anymore either. I rolled to my back and stared up at the stars twinkling in the sky. It was beautiful, but none of this felt right. I was supposed to be in a different place right now. Isla was supposed to be by my side and I was supposed to be happy.

“It’s all IKE’s fault,” I muttered, ignoring the snort coming from the man I pretended to despise.

“It is not,” he grumbled, taking a seat on the other side of the fire. “You fucked up. Admit that. ”

I grunted, hating that he was right. “She loved me.”

“Did she?”

I sighed, “No. Not the way she loves you.”

“So, what the fuck are you bitching about?” IKE snapped. “Stop acting like a pussy.”

I couldn’t even be mad at the dressy fucker. He was right. My failed relationship with Isla was all on me, and he actually was the better man for her. I just hated that he knew it, too.

“I think I need to stop looking.”

“Dude, don’t give up,” Dash snorted. “It didn’t work out, so you’re just never going to look for another woman again? That’s fucking stupid.”

“No, I didn’t say that,” I said, sitting up as a thought formed in my head. “I’m not giving up, but here’s the thing. Every one of you met the woman you wanted to marry by accident. Well, instead of waiting for that accident, I’m going to do it on purpose.”

Red sighed, tossing a stick into the fire. “Stalking women is not the way to go. I think we all saw that when Fox brought home Anna.”

“I’m not talking about stalking. I’m going to meet a woman and make a plan.”

“Just like that,” Eli laughed. “I like it.”

“It’s fucking stupid,” IKE muttered.

“Well, no shit,” Eli snapped, “but don’t kick a man while he’s down.”

They didn’t get what I was saying. “I’m going to create a profile of the type of woman I’m looking for, and then I’m going to conduct interviews.”

They all sat there staring at me like I was an idiot, but this was foolproof. In fact, more people should be doing it.

“Sorry, you want to do what?” Dash asked.

“I’m going to make sure I get a woman I want.

See, I thought Isla was perfect for me, but in reality, we never would have worked out.

So, I need a certain set of guidelines—rules even—that will help me find the woman who’s perfect for me.

Then, I’ll meet with her, discuss our options, and we’ll get married.

Of course, she’ll have to want the same things as me, but I don’t see how it can fail. ”

“Yeah,” Red nodded. “I know many women who want to fill out a survey to find the man who will propose a relationship arrangement with them. Fucking romantic as hell.”

I rolled my eyes at his sarcasm. “She’ll want the same thing. See, I bet there’s a woman out there just like me who is dying to find a man who will just skip the bullshit and get on with life.”

“Yeah, they’re called desperate and alone,” IKE muttered.

“And ugly,” Eli added. I glared at him, but he just shrugged. “Hey, we were all thinking it.”

“This is gonna work. I can feel it in my bones.”

“Kavanaugh, I hate to point this out to you, but you’re reaching,” Red said carefully. “I get it. It’s been a shit year, but you do not want to hitch yourself to a woman based on a profile. You’re gonna end up miserable.”

“More miserable than I am now?” I asked. “Guys, come on. My old man was shot right in front of me. I saw his brains scattered on the ground. And then I was shot and literally fell into the ground with him. I mean, how much more fucked up can you get?”

They were all quiet because they didn’t have an answer.

They knew as much as I did that it could be years before I was in any state of mind to truly want another woman in my bed permanently, but this was a good solution.

I could chase happiness or I could harness it and make it happen. I chose the latter.

“So, how exactly are you gonna build this profile?” Red asked.

I glanced at Dash and grinned.

He shook his head, getting to his feet. “No, I’m not getting involved in this shit plan. I will not be responsible for setting you up with some nut job.”

“You’re not going to be responsible. The whole idea is to build the perfect woman. You can help me with that.”

“And risk my own balls? Do you have any fucking idea what Laura would do if she found out I was creating something like this? ”

“She wouldn’t think anything because you would tell her this was all my idea and you were just doing it to keep me from falling off the ledge.”

“Ain’t that the fucking truth,” Red muttered.

“Hey, I don’t want to hear any crap from any of you. All of you found your woman. It’s about fucking time I found mine.”

“Kavanaugh—” Eli started, but I wasn’t listening to it. I had a plan and I was sticking with it. I just wanted some fucking happiness in my life. Was that really so much to ask?

“We’ll head home tomorrow and get started on it.”

“But we’ve only been here a day,” IKE reminded me.

“Right, and I’m sure you won’t mind leaving all this shit behind to return to your pregnant woman,” I gritted out.

He held up his hands in acquiescence.

“We can start on the way home. Dash can build a program and we’ll start weeding out the women who are clearly too good for a system like this.”

“Right,” Red snorted. “You wouldn’t want any good women. Just the lonely and desperate.”

“And ugly,” Eli tacked on.

“There are going to be no ugly women. Trust me, somewhere out there, there’s a woman who is wishing she had this exact system in place so she can get it over with and find the perfect man.

I’m going to harness that power and bring us together once and for all.

You’ll see. This is going to be fucking magical. ”

“Okay, so the system is pretty damn sophisticated, if I do say so myself,” Dash grinned, pulling up the mainframe on the screen in the conference room.

“As you can see, I’ve sorted through dating websites and online profiles, pulling the most likely women to fit your needs.

Now, there’s a degree of variation here that I can’t control.

You’ll just have to weed through them. ”

I nodded, studying the first woman he pulled up. “As you can see, I haven’t sorted them any more than the basic stipulations you gave. If you want to narrow it down further, we can do that.”

“Narrow down how?”

“Hair, eye color, build, IQ…pick your flaws.”

I snorted in amusement at that. “I think when my potential wife finds out that I chose her out of a lineup of women through a program designed to weed out bad candidates, she’ll wonder what my flaws are.”

“I’m just saying, you can literally design your woman with my program. Hell, you could even go to China if you wanted.”

“I don’t think I’m that desperate yet,” I huffed, but the look he shot me said he wasn’t so sure about that. I cleared my throat and went back to studying the charts he’d made. “So, what do I do? I just pick the ones I like and we send them a message?”

“Something like that. Although, I would narrow it down a little further. We have thousands of candidates to weed through.”

“Alright, so…let’s start with hair. I want a blonde.”

“Blonde it is,” he said, typing in the requirements. “What else?”

“Um…” I thought it over, wondering what the most important attributes, other than what I had already listed, were. “How about height. I don’t want a woman who’s too tall.”

“Right,” he snorted. “All those women walking around in high heels can be intimidating.”

I had the feeling he was mocking me, but I ignored it as I watched the pack decrease just a little. This was going to be harder than I thought. “How about a woman who likes nature. Goes hiking and likes the outdoors. That sort of thing.”

“Maybe sporty,” he suggested.

“Sure.”

He put in a few more filters, but the list was still humongous. It was going to be impossible to really find the woman of my dreams without a larger way to narrow the field.

“What about eye color? ”

I shook my head. “That’s not something I care about.”

“Shoe size.”

“Don’t you think that’s a bit ridiculous? Eliminating a woman because of her shoe size?”

He leaned forward, narrowing his eyes at me. “You’re choosing a wife from a list of women who have their profiles already online. I’d say we’re far beyond ridiculous.”

I glared at him, but he was right. I’d already crossed the crazy line. “Fine, feet no larger than size eight.”

The pool hardly moved at all. “I guess there aren’t a lot of big feet out there,” he joked.

“This is impossible,” I sighed. “I’m never going to find the right woman.”

“You need to look on a deeper level. What do you really want out of this woman?”

I shrugged, not even sure. “I guess…a woman who is home every night and makes me dinner. She’ll keep the house clean and organized while I’m at work.

Maybe she loves to bake, and every morning I’ll have fresh donuts or scones.

” He snorted, but I kept going. “A good driver who is conscientious about safety. Good with money and won’t waste mine on frivolous shit.

Oh, and she should be interested in my job, but not enough to want to learn how to use a weapon.

And uh…I guess I don’t want makeup and shit all over the counter.

Oh, and all that bath shit. The last thing I want is the house smelling like perfume or girly shit. ”

“Is that it?”