Page 23 of Burn Bag (Owens Protective Services #31)

KAVANAUGH

“Dash. I need you!” I said, popping my head into the office where he sat with Lock, Rae, and Eva.

“We’re in the middle of something.”

Scowling at Lock, he immediately backed down. “Do you really think I would interrupt if it wasn’t important?”

Sighing, he waved Dash out. “Go. I’ll fill you in later.”

I was out the door before Dash even caught up to me. I was determined to make sure this shit never happened again, and he was my ticket.

“So, what are we doing?” Dash asked as he climbed into the truck beside me.

“I need your expertise. It’s very important we don’t fuck this up.”

“Okay,” he nodded, getting out his computer. “Is this about Daphne?”

I chuckled at that. “Oh, you bet your ass it is.”

“What did she do this time?”

“What didn’t she do? Seriously, that woman is going to give me a fucking heart attack. Do you know I walked in on her trying to cut the bandage off her hand?”

“Why did she have a bandage on her hand? ”

“From burning herself with oil. I spent the better part of the morning in the hospital with her.”

“I’m no expert, but this marriage seems to be off to a rocky start.”

“You think?” I snapped. “Fuck, I don’t know how much of this I can take. Between the murder cats, her passing out randomly, and taking scissors to her hand, it’s like walking around landmines.”

“Yeah, I looked into the whole randomly passing out thing. Kind of weird. You’d think there’d be a reason for it.”

“She said there is. Random cut off of blood flow.” I scoffed at that. “She acted like it was all fine, as if it was totally normal for blood to just stop flowing to one part of your body. You have veins. That’s their job is to carry the blood from one part of your body to another!”

He reached over and rubbed my shoulder, trying to cool me down. “Relax, man. You’re gonna give yourself a heart attack.”

“I just…fuck, I had no clue what I was getting into. I thought I was marrying this normal woman, and I ended up with some crazy chick!”

“Yeah, normal. You met her online.”

“You did the analysis,” I pointed out.

“Right, and I’m pretty sure I told you then that it was batshit crazy. You don’t meet the woman of your dreams through a dating website. It just doesn’t work.”

“It’ll work,” I scowled. “I refuse for it not to work. I just have to figure out a way to keep her upright and prevent her from burning her hand or any other part of her body.”

“Seems simple enough. Remove all the appliances and push her around in a wheelchair.”

That did not sound like a good option. I pulled into the parking lot and got out, but it took Dash a moment to follow.

“Come on. We don’t have all day.”

“Wait,” he called, running to catch up to me as I hurried into the store. “What are we doing? I thought you needed my help!”

“Do you want me to stop and explain or do you want to get this shit over with?”

“I’d like you to stop and explain!”

But I didn’t. I kept walking, because the sooner I got this shit taken care of, the faster I could be on my way. I quickly found the aisle and waved my hand at the items in front of us on the shelves.

Dash looked at them, then shot me an irritated look. “What are we doing?”

“Buying a better fucking litter box.”

Dash frowned at me. “And why did I need to come along for that?”

“Because you’re the research guy. You do this shit.”

Crossing his arms, he turned to me in the middle of the aisle and scowled. “I do what shit?”

“This!” I pointed at the many boxes in front of me. “Research. That’s what I just fucking said.”

“I work in the IT department.”

I pinched the bridge of my nose, already tired of this shit. “Doing research.”

“On bad people,” he clarified. “You want names, dates, secret information— I’m your guy. I do not research cat litter boxes!”

“What’s the difference?”

“Uh…about a million different things. You dragged me out of a meeting for this?”

“Yeah, but it wasn’t really important,” I retorted.

“Right,” he snorted. “Only a meeting about the direction of the company. Nothing too big.”

“See?”

“Kavanaugh, what the fuck is your problem? Since you met this woman, you’re acting like a crazy man!”

“Well, that’s because she’s crazy!”

He stalked forward and grabbed me by the shoulders, giving me a good shake. “You’ve got to stop this shit! You married a woman you met the moment she walked down the aisle. You had me file backdated paperwork to make the marriage legal! Do you have any idea what you’re doing?”

“Yes! I’m buying a new fucking litter box.” Then I thought about it. “Preferably two.”

“This is Fox talk. Do you realize that? You’re making about as much sense as he does. Have you gotten into his Funyuns stash? ”

“Look, she’s injured. She has burns on her arm, and she can’t take care of the litter box. The dust might get up under the gauze and then it could get infected…it’s just not a good idea.”

“So, you take it over.”

“I did!” I snapped. “Do you have any idea how fucking disgusting that shit is? I need a fucking hazmat suit to clean that out. But I’m not donning one every single day, multiple times a day just to clean out shit. It’s not happening!”

“It’s only until she gets better.”

“Yeah? And what happens when she gets herself injured again? What if she passes out and hits her head? What if I’m out of town and can’t help her?”

He rolled his eyes. “You know, you’re awfully worked up over these cats. Why don’t you just get rid of them? You don’t even like cats.”

“But she does. And when I talked about declawing them, she was in fucking tears. And then, in my anger, I said I was going to kill one. I’m pretty sure she was about to sacrifice herself in order to save the damn kitten’s life.”

“A slight overreaction,” he muttered.

“I know, right?”

“No, I meant you. Not her.”

“You don’t know what it’s like to have your balls clawed apart by one of the demons.”

“It’s just a fucking cat,” he snapped. “Get your head out of your ass.”

“Take one home and you’ll see what I’m talking about.”

“Oh, no,” he chuckled. “I’m not taking one of those cats off your hands. I don’t do animals in the house.”

“You’d do it for Laura.”

“I would, which is exactly why I won’t do it. Because then she’d have me cleaning out the litter box just like you are.”

“And I’m not doing that anymore, which is why I’m here.” I pointed at the shelves. “To make my life easier, and you’re going to help me.”

There was absolutely nothing about this that he wanted to do, but he pulled out his phone and got to work. “You know, you could do this just as easily. I’m not sure why you called me to read Reddit reviews.”

“Because you’re faster at weeding out the necessary information.”

“If you tell Rae you put me on this, I will kill you. The last thing I need is some bullshit commentary about how I’m finally doing a task more up my alley.”

“I swear to God, I won’t say a word.”

“Good. Alright, this one,” he pointed to the one on the far right. “Best reviews, easy set up, and after the initial cost, it doesn’t appear to be too expensive.”

I was about to grab it when I saw the cost. “Eight hundred dollars? Are you fucking kidding me?”

“Hey, you wanted the research. You didn’t tell me to take cost into consideration.”

“It’s a given.”

“Fine, go with this one. It breaks down all the time and users complain about terrible customer service. But at least you’ll save a few hundred dollars.”

I glowered at him, but grabbed the first box. “Get another. I’m not scooping poop ever again.”

“You know, they have delivery services for this shit.”

“Quit your bitching. I needed it today.”

He hoisted his own box off the shelf, grumbling about how big it was. “You know, we could have grabbed a fucking cart. Why the hell do I have to drag this around?”

“Oh my God! Would you quit your whining? You’re just carrying a box! I’m pretty sure they taught you to carry heavy shit in the military!”

“They did, but I got out of the military so I didn’t have to do that anymore. You don’t see me digging latrines!”

“Maybe that would make you a little less cranky,” I argued. “Maybe Fox should work that into your training. You’ve spent too much time on your fucking ass.”

“Fuck off.” He dropped his box to the ground.

“You fuck off,” I snapped, doing the same .

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw a woman standing in front of me with her two little kids. One of them was staring up at us in shock, and the other was grinning mischievously.

Clearing my throat, I shifted uncomfortably. “Ma’am.”

The kid’s smile grew, and I just knew we were screwed. “Fuck off.”

I stalked back and forth in jail—the store’s version of jail, glaring at Dash every chance I got. The fucker was lounging on the plastic bench seat without a care in the world.

“I can’t believe you got me into this.”

He snorted, resting his head back against the wall. “Me? You dragged me down here. I was perfectly content in that meeting.”

“You were bored and you know it.”

“Maybe, but I did not see myself sitting in jail for the rest of the day.”

Yet, he sat there, practically sleeping on the bench. All I could think about was all the shit Daphne was getting up to at home. “I can’t believe they took our phones. That’s some kind of privacy violation or something, right?”

“You would think they would have just kicked us out of the store.”

“And they would have if you hadn’t started a fight with that kid,” I snapped.

His eyes flew open and he snarled at me. “That fucker kicked me in the shin when his mother wasn’t looking.”

“That does not give you the right to call him a little twat.”

“But he is a little twat!”

“Doesn’t fucking matter! He’s a kid. He couldn’t be any older than seven!”

Clearly, that didn’t matter to Dash. “Hey, if you want to bring your kids out in public, you make them behave. She’s lucky I didn’t give back as good as I got.”

“Do you even hear yourself? You’re going to kick a kid in the shin because he did it to you? ”

“And?”

“And that’s wrong. How do you not know that?”

He shoved to his feet and got in my face. “Hey, if the kid can’t take it, he shouldn’t dish it out. We’re playing by schoolyard rules.”

“Did he know that?” I snapped. “You’re a fucking adult!”

“And he’s a kid who just got knocked down a peg.”

“They call that child abuse!”

“Oh, relax. I didn’t hit the kid.”

“But you would have.”

“If he was my kid, I would have spanked his ass in the middle of the aisle. That mom needs a lesson on bringing her kids to heel.”

“They’re not fucking dogs.”

“No, but she’s letting them run wild. Why is it that only adults have to behave themselves? Why aren’t more parents making sure their kids don’t turn out to be selfish pricks?”

I didn’t have the mental capacity for an argument like this in a room so small. I could feel the tension building in my shoulders, and the longer I stayed in this room, the more I felt like knocking out my teammate. I figured that would be frowned upon.

The door opened and the snooty manager walked inside, glaring at both of us. “Your ride is here.”

“Can I have my shit back?”

She pursed her lips and reached out into the hall, grabbing a small box. “Your phones.”

“You’re lucky that’s all you took,” Dash muttered.

I elbowed him in the side, warning him to shut up. “Where can I pay for my litter boxes?”

“I’m sorry, we won’t be selling those to you today.”

“Why not? My money is still good.”

“Sir, you started a fight in the middle of the store.” She stared at me pointedly. “With a child.”

I pointed at Dash. “He did it.”

“Be that as it may, you can take your business elsewhere.”

“I can’t fucking believe this. It’s not like I took out my gun and started waving it at people! ”

“You have a gun?” she gasped.

I quickly shut my mouth and shook my head. “Just a saying.”

Dash nudged me from behind and we quickly exited the room before she could decide to lock us back inside. Red and Laura were waiting for us at the entrance, both of them holding back their laughter.

“Shut up,” I muttered.

“Seriously?” Red laughed. “You let a store employee lock you up?”

“Do you have any idea how hard it is to fight with a civilian? A choke hold was not exactly an option, and I’m pretty sure I would have ended up in jail if I punched the woman. Besides, it’s not my fault. Dash started it.”

“You were the one swearing.”

“You were bitching about carrying a box! A fucking box!” I snapped.

“Hey, I work with my fingers all day.” He held out his hands for me to see.

“If I damage even one of these bad boys, it could shave seconds or even minutes off the time I get you intel. Is that what you want? To be on a job, waiting for the answers because I damaged my precious digits getting you a litter box?”

“I’ll break one of those precious digits now, and I won’t even think twice about it,” I snarled.

“Okay, okay,” Laura sighed, stepping between the two of us. “Clearly, the battle of the ages has commenced. You’re both amazing. You’re both great at lifting heavy things, and the company would cease to exist without the magic that is you.”

I glowered at Dash, and he shot me an equally scathing look.

“I swear, it’s like dealing with toddlers,” Laura sighed. “You know, I always imagined getting called to the school to pick up my kid because he was misbehaving. I never thought I’d have to drag your ass out of jail.”

Red snorted. “It wasn’t even real jail. It was like baby jail.”

“Oh, come on now, Red,” Laura smirked. “Let’s not be too hard on the boys. I’m sure it was really traumatizing.”

“Hey, we were locked in a room,” Dash argued .

“And you could have broken out if you really wanted,” Laura pointed out.

Red grimaced. “I don’t know. It took him quite a while to break out of that room under the mountain.”

“Hey, that was different! I was battling layers and layers of security! I was on the outside, breaking in. You have no idea what that was like!”

“And none of this is important because I still don’t have my litter boxes!” I shouted, drawing the attention back to the big problem. “Someone has to go back in there and get me those litter boxes. I am not returning home without them!”

“You know you could have just ordered them online, right?”

“And wait days for them to arrive? Are you fucking kidding?”

Red clapped me on the shoulder, squeezing me tight. “Relax. It’s a couple of fucking days. You’ll survive.”

“Easy for you to say!” I called after him. “You don’t have to smell that shit!” I turned to Laura, pleading to her with my eyes. “You know what it’s like. You live with him,” I said, jerking my thumb at Dash.

“Sorry. I didn’t bring any credit cards with me. Better luck next time.”

She walked away, getting back in the vehicle.

“She lives with me?” Dash scowled. “What the fuck does that even mean?”

“I was desperate.”

He shook his head in disgust. “And to think, I gave up hours of my life to help you. I hope you choke on the smell.”

“That’s very likely,” I grumbled as I followed him to the truck.