Page 3 of Burn Bag (Owens Protective Services #31)

Slippers scuffled along the floor and FNG tossed his towel down on a nearby bench. “Sure, now the real trash-talking begins. After the fight. Do you guys even understand the purpose of having a fight like that? You’re not supposed to bond afterward and take a fucking bath together.”

The scowl on my face matched IKE’s. “We’re not taking a bath. This is a soak. There’s a difference.”

“Whatever,” FNG said, getting into the water. “You’re both sitting in a hot pool of water, closely confined by what appears to be a tub.”

“There are bubbles,” IKE said defensively.

“Yes, and in a bath, there are also bubbles,” FNG smirked. “Imagine that.”

“Is there a point to you coming in here and harassing us?”

“Why, yes, there is. I came to inquire about your plans for the feminine persuasion.”

“The what?” I snapped, already irritated with him.

“The opposite sex,” he sighed, rolling his eyes at me. “Geez, it’s not like I’m speaking a foreign tongue.”

“And why the fuck would you care about my future plans? ”

“Well, A, I’m wondering if this will repeat itself in another five months. I could sell tickets, if it does.” He watched me hopefully, but when I gave no signal in the affirmative, he continued. “B, I have this idea for you…”

“No,” I said instantly. There was no fucking way I was letting FNG set me up with anybody. “I’m not interested in dating. In fact, after the fucking horrible year I’ve had, I think a vacation is in order.”

“A vacation?” The horror on FNG’s face was comical.

“Hey, my old man was killed in front of me. I was shot in the fucking neck and fell into my father’s grave. I never heard the end of your fucking story. Oh, and some crazy mother fucking assassins came to murder me in my own bed. So, yes. I think I’ll take a fucking vacation.”

Silence descended as I glanced around. “Where the fuck is my beer?” I shouted, hoping someone would bring it to me.

“And you think a vacation is going to solve that?” IKE asked.

“Probably not, but I need it. You remember when Thumper headed out into the desert? I think that’s what I need.”

“The desert?” IKE snorted. “Sounds like a fucking nightmare.”

“Only because it would ruin your prissy three-piece suit,” I retorted, leaning my head back against the tub.

I let my eyes drift closed as I let the year play on repeat in my mind.

By far, the worst was burying my father.

Watching him get shot was…it was fucking horrible, but saying goodbye when I never made up with him was torment on my soul.

I wasn’t sure I would ever get over that.

“Well, if you go on vacation, you’re going to need backup,” FNG muttered.

“And why the fuck would I need that?” I asked, peeling one eye open to glare at him.

“Uh…isn’t it obvious?”

“No, Sherlock. It’s not obvious.”

“Well, obviously, on this vacation, you’re going to get into trouble and need your comrades to help you out.

Of course, you’ll meet the love of your life and go on the run to save hers.

I’ll have your back the whole time. If you’re lucky, we’ll get Dash to come along, too.

Now, I’m thinking we’ll need at least three or four…

dozen grenades. A few rifles and enough handguns to fill the Wild West. Of course, that’s just off the top of my head.

I’ll need to do some brainstorming with Thumper. ”

“Dude, it’s not going to be anything like when Thumper went out into the desert.”

“How can you be sure?”

“One, because I’m not going alone. I’m taking everyone with me. We’re going to get back to nature and enjoy the fuck out of it. Two, because I will not be meeting any women on the trip. That’s not what this is about. And three, you won’t be there.”

He frowned at me. “Wait, you just said everyone was going. Why would I not be there?”

“You want to know why? Because you would turn everything into some umbrella adventure. And because you never finished your fucking story just as I was about to die?—”

“I could finish it now?—”

“And mostly because you bring trouble with you wherever you go.”

He nodded. “I agree with that last part. Though I’m not sure it’s entirely my fault.”

“It is.”

“I’m not sure about that.”

“I am. You’re not going.”

“I’m not going either,” IKE huffed.

“You’re definitely going. If only so I can see you in something normal for three fucking days. I swear to God, if you pack suits on this trip, I will shred them with my bare hands, and then I’ll make you walk around in nothing the whole fucking time while prairie dogs try to eat your balls.”

I closed my eyes and leaned back again, listening only to the sound of the bubbles in the tub.

“Why prairie dogs?” FNG asked.

“What?” I sighed.

“I mean, there are a million different things out there that could eat your balls, yet you went with prairie dogs. ”

“Because they’re small, FNG. Because they’re small and they travel in big packs, that’s why.”

“You know they’re herbivores, right?”

“And they also eat nuts, which is why the whole fucking thing made sense.”

“I’m pretty sure they don’t. I think it’s just grass and roots and?—”

“Does it really fucking matter?” I shouted. “I was making a point! A point which you now ruined by having to explain every fucking detail of!”

“Only because you were wrong,” he pointed out.

“And this is the final reason why you aren’t coming. I would have to kill you in the first hour, and then it’d be really fucking hard to explain to Lock when I got back.”

“Not really,” IKE shrugged. “ He was bothering me, so I killed him . Seems pretty straightforward to me.”

“Hey! What did I ever do to you?”

“The point is, this is a trip for me, and I say you’re not going. And that’s final.”

Closing my eyes, I once again blocked everyone else out and started planning the trip in my head. It was going to be good. Really fucking good. And then I’d come back refreshed and ready to move on with life.

And then FNG opened his mouth again. “A woodpecker would have been a better choice.”