Page 52 of Burn Bag (Owens Protective Services #31)

“Hot lava that explodes out of the peak of the mountain and rushes down the side, killing thousands of people. Ooh, scary,” he said mockingly.

“Right? They make science fairs out of that shit. How much more is there really to study?”

“Well, they’re actually gaining new intel every day. Not that new intel gives her the right to walk out on me when I’m building a forest fire with her.”

“Yes, right there! A forest fire. She already has all the hot magma she could want. I mean, it’s not the same or even the same state of solids or whatever, but it’s nearly the same thing.”

“Yeah, she could be studying me,” Scottie argued. “I’m fucking amazing to look at. Who wouldn’t want to study me?”

“I mean, not me, but I’m a guy.”

“Right, well, I would expect that answer.”

“Not that you’re not amazing. You have a great body.”

He winced. “You think? I thought maybe I was getting a little lazy. My abs are feeling a little less pronounced than they used to be.”

“Let me see.”

He lifted his shirt and I checked out his taut stomach, not seeing much of a difference. “Nah, you’re crazy. Look at that. It’s like a cheese grater.”

“You think?”

“Totally.” I ran my hand over his stomach and nodded. “Not an ounce of fat. I think you’re just getting self-conscious.”

He scoffed at that. “Well, wouldn’t you if your wife was always running off at a ‘volcano emergency’?

I mean, what is that? How does a volcano suddenly have an emergency?

The rock has been sitting there for thousands of years.

They have sensors monitoring that shit. So, is it really a surprise when a volcano starts making more noise? ”

I had no fucking idea.

“No! Of course, it’s not. You’ve been watching the damn thing for years!”

I couldn’t argue with that. “Just like a mummy is no great surprise. Like, Hey, guys, we buried this dead guy thousands of years ago. You should really come see what he looks like now! ”

“And then they unwrap him and act shocked when they find a fucking dead guy!”

“Exactly! What were they expecting to find?”

“Beats me. He’s dead!”

“A fucking mummy! ”

“And they make movies about this shit. Can you believe it?” he snapped. “A volcano that’s going to suddenly explode and kill everyone. They were watching it for years, and—oh! Look at that! It’s about to blow!”

“At least the volcanoes in your movies don’t come to life and run around killing people. I mean, it’s more of a horror movie than anything.”

“That you’re very much afraid of,” he pointed out.

“Well, wouldn’t you be terrified if you were stuck next to a mummy?”

“It’s dead,” he said bluntly.

“Yeah, and what’s your point?”

“My point is that you’re afraid of something that’s dead. Daphne literally examines dead people. She’s more of a mortician than anything. At least Quinn is a scientist.”

“Yeah, but not a real scientist.”

He was about to take a drink, but paused with the bottle at his lips and turned to me. “What the fuck are you talking about?”

“Well, it’s not like she’s inventing the wheel or something. What does she actually do? Take readings and say, Oh, that sulfur is too high. ”

“Yes, because she knows that the sulfur is too fucking high and that means a volcano is about to explode!” he snapped.

I wiggled my fingers at him. “Ooh, she read a chart. Really fucking scientific.”

“Yeah? And what does Daphne do? She plays in the dirt. I could do that. Give me a backhoe and I could excavate the whole fucking field. Any dumbass with the ability to move a few gears could do that.”

“Are you calling my wife an idiot?”

“No,” he scoffed. “Not at all. I’m saying any idiot could do her job.”

“That’s the same fucking thing!”

“Is not!”

“Is too!”

“Is not!”

“Is too!”

“Whoa, whoa, fellas!” An arm came around my shoulder, tugging me closer to the man I definitely had no interest in conversing with. FNG grinned at both of us, tugging on us both. “What seems to be the problem?”

I glared at Scottie, refusing to say a thing.

However, Scottie didn’t have the same compulsion. “He thinks his wife is some brilliant person because she digs around in the ground.”

“Uh-huh. Uh-huh.” FNG nodded, signaling for a beer. “And?”

“Like Quinn is so fucking amazing? She studies rocks. Fucking rocks!”

“Yeah, I totally get it,” FNG said, pulling up a stool between us. “Hey, did I ever tell you about the time I was at the pyramids?”

“No,” I grumbled. “Were there mummies?”

He barked out a laugh, shaking his head. “Man, you crack me up with this mummy shit. I’m telling you, this story will blow your socks off. So, this was at some point over the year I was gone.”

“Was this before or after the last story you didn’t finish?”

He frowned, thinking seriously about the question. “Before. So, anyway, I was in Egypt, wandering around the pyramids after my plane crashed.”

“What plane?” Scottie asked curiously. “Was there tactical vomit involved?”

“Nope,” FNG shook his head. “Just good old plain vomit. So, there I was, wandering the desert for forty days without an ounce of water?—”

“You can’t live for forty days without water,” I snapped.

“Call it a miracle,” he said, raising his eyebrows as he pointed to the ceiling. When neither of us believed him, he rolled his eyes. “Okay, yes, there was water, but not a lot, and it makes my story a lot less cool when you ruin it with facts.”

“Yeah, those pesky facts get in the way.”

“So, I was wandering around when I came across this camel. Of course, he was also with a man. It’s not like this random camel was in the desert.”

“You know camels live in the desert, right?” Scottie asked.

“Well, yeah, but the point is, he was all alone. ”

“Did he have water?” I asked.

FNG sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose. “Yes, he fucking had water. Can I finish my story now?”

I grinned at him. “I don’t know. Can you? Have you ever finished a single fucking story you’ve told?”

“Fine,” he said, shoving back his stool, but I grabbed his sleeve, yanking him back down.

“Come on. Finish the story for us.”

He glared at me, but grudgingly continued. “So, anyway, I found this camel. I was exhausted and running really low on food. I was sure I was going to die. And then this camel appeared like a sign from Moses?—”

“Why Moses?” I asked.

“Well, because Moses led the people to the promised land.”

“Why wouldn’t you just say God?”

“Because God didn’t lead them!” FNG snapped. “Haven’t you been listening all those times Max has dragged us to church?”

“No, I pretty much use that as an opportunity to take a nap,” I grinned.

“Well, if you were listening, you would know that Moses led them across the desert.”

“Yeah, but he’s right,” Scottie said, scratching his beard. “It doesn’t sound right. You should have just said God.”

I agreed just to piss off FNG. “It sounds so much better.”

“Besides, I don’t think Moses gave signs.”

“Would you two fucking stop it!” FNG shouted, getting irritated with us.

“Sorry, are we making it difficult to tell your story?” I asked, biting back a laugh.

“You know, if you don’t want to hear it, you could just say so.”

“No, we really do,” Scottie said, snagging a beer that the bartender set down. “Continue.”

He was completely flustered and on the verge of losing it, but he pulled himself together and continued. “Alright, so this camel led me across the desert. It was dark as night and I could barely feel anything but the cold desert air.

I refrained from laughing at his wording. He would beat the shit out of me.

“I was about to give up on ever getting out of the desert at all when I saw the peak in the distance. It was like a beacon, guiding me to civilization.”

“The pyramid?” Scottie asked.

FNG nodded as if lost in a trance. “I swear to God, if that’s what the Egyptians saw when they crossed the desert, it would have been a beautiful thing. I nearly wept.”

My eyes met Scottie’s, and I curled my lips between my teeth, biting down hard.

“The camel carried me there over the next few hours, and as the dawn broke, something insane happened.”

“What?” I asked, a little more interested in the story now.

“Like a mirage, this whole ancient city appeared out of nowhere, as if guiding me to where I needed to go. I didn’t understand it, but something inside me told me to go there. That I would find treasure inside.”

“Isn’t this the storyline of The Mummy ?” Scottie asked.

“No,” FNG snapped.

“No, I think he’s right. That movie scared the shit out of me.”

“It’s not, okay?” FNG argued. “It’s similar, but it’s not the same.

So, anyway, I approached the city and heard these ancient voices calling to me.

In that moment, I did feel like I was in the movie.

Everything inside me begged me to leave, but it was like this tug inside my chest, refusing to let me go.

“I followed that tug until I appeared in front of this giant stone carving. It had to be three stories tall and scary as all shit. And in front was this door that was just standing open. That thumping in my chest grew stronger the closer I got to it. As I pushed the door open, a gust of wind blew out, nearly knocking me over.”

Okay, now I was wrapped up in the story, desperate to know what happened. FNG’s eyes were glazed over as he retold the story as if he was still there. I had chills on my arms as I pictured him walking through the door.

“It was so dark, but at the end of this tunnel was a single flickering torch. I didn’t understand it.

There wasn’t another soul around, yet the flame burned bright.

So, I took it from the sconce on the wall and continued into the darkness.

An overwhelming feeling of urgency rushed through me and I started running, desperate to find out what was calling me.

“I could hear a rhythmic thumping, almost like a drum. It was calling me, pleading with me to reach it. My feet were moving so fast that I felt like I was on a roller coaster. I could taste the sand in my throat and feel it coating my eyes as I wound my way deeper into the tunnel. But I pushed on, knowing whatever was calling to me couldn’t be explained.

“Sand filled my shoes, weighing down every step. The sweat coating my skin burned me, but that thumping was so loud that it was practically in my head. I ran and ran until suddenly, the ground fell out and I was falling into the darkness. My torch slipped from my fingers, and just when I thought for sure I was about to die?—”

“Hey, babe. Ready to go home?” Honey asked, running her hands down his body and gripping his cock.

“Uh…” FNG swallowed hard, stumbling off his stool as he followed her out the door.

“What about the story?” Scottie shouted after him.

I shook my head in disbelief. “Every fucking time.”