Page 43 of Brandishing Balance (Devil’s Psychos MC #3)

Jason

L aying in my bed, my head is a mess. All I can think about is Maya almost dying and it being my fault.

Our fault, but mine too. We fucked up back then.

I didn’t even feel comfortable calling myself a Dom anymore.

How could I hold that title when the number one responsibility of a Dom is to ensure their Sub’s safety? I clearly couldn’t do that right.

Nico was right all these years. He should have safe-worded. We both should have told Marcos enough was enough that night and one of us should have stayed with her in the morning. My mind raced as I heard Marcos’s Harley race away from the house.

Maya’s sobbing in the living room killed me. My dumbass had to run away. I couldn’t fucking face her. I was a fucking coward.

I couldn’t do it. Not like this.

I sat up abruptly and raced downstairs. I fell to my knees in front of her, still on Nico’s lap and buried my face into her lap. “I’m so sorry, Darlin’. So fucking sorry. I know it doesn’t change a damn thing.”

I felt her fingers slide through my hair to my nape and she pulled me up toward her. I looked up at her tearful face before she wrapped her arms around me and pulled me against her. Nico grunted as I pushed her into him, as I hugged her tight.

She pushed me away after her sobs subsided and stood up. I watched her walk over to the kitchen and get herself a bottle of water from the fridge, while I took a seat next to Nico on the couch. “Now what?” I asked.

Nico shrugged. “We’re not done talking…we still need to dissect that night, but not without Marcos.”

“Any idea where he went?” Maya asked, walking back into the living room. She’s not shy and squeezed between Nico and me on the couch. She snuggled in, getting comfortable before she looked around for the remote.

I grabbed it off the coffee table and hand it to her. She smiled in thanks and turned on the TV.

We sat there for half an hour, watching whatever she put on. I was mostly lost in my head, though, not paying attention.

When we heard a Harley come up the driveway, the three of us immediately turned to see Marcos ride past the picture window, to the garage. Maya slumped back on the couch. I hadn’t realized how tense she’d been until she finally relaxed.

“Did you want to keep talking?” I asked her.

She looked up at me, her beautiful amber eyes earnest and slightly puffy from all the crying. “I think we need to. When else would we get the time without Luke around? I don’t want him to see us all breaking down…and honestly, I think we all need this.”

I nodded.

“I agree,” Marcos said, as he walked into the living room.

“Where’d you go?” Maya asked.

“I got about 3 blocks down the road before I was sobbing too hard to see the road. I pulled over in front of Kara’s; Johnny and the guys came out to get me.”

I was a little shocked that he admitted that, but his gaze was intently on Maya’s.

Her little gasp was all I needed to know that she forgave him. She reached out to him and he went to her, falling to his knees between her spread legs. “I’m so sorry, Mi Vida. I’m so sorry.”

Maya slid her fingers through his hair and closed her eyes. I glanced at Nico and he shrugged. Both of us scooted down and rested our heads on Maya’s shoulders.

A happy smile tugged at her lips and she turned her attention back to the TV.

Nico

After we finished watching whatever action movie Maya had put on, she sighed and nudged Marcos to get him to move off her.

He slowly pulled away and I saw up close just how torn up he was. His eyes were puffy from crying, and he looked so broken.

Jason didn’t look much better either. His blond hair disheveled and sticking up randomly—he looked exhausted.

While Maya’s eyes were puffy from crying, she seemed lighter somehow, relaxed in a way that I haven’t seen her in years. It was breathtaking.

She was right. We needed this, despite how much it was hurting us. Maya deserved to get her truth heard, no matter how many years later it was. It was the only way forward for this relationship.

Marcos sat back on the coffee table and watched Maya.

Maya cleared her throat. “Look, I appreciate you guys apologizing, but that’s only the first step of this relationship moving forward.

If we ever want to have any kind of dynamic again—and trust me I do—we need to clear the air about what went wrong in that scene, objectively.

And not just that scene—there was a lot wrong with our relationship back then that was never addressed. ”

I nodded. “Break it down.”

“Yes.” Maya nodded and took a deep breath.

“I’ve spent the last eight years or so heavily involved in the kink community in Chicago.

I joined a dungeon there, made some really good friends, but most of all, I educated myself in a way I wasn’t back then.

I’ve learned a lot over the years, and I learned how badly the four of us—yes me included—screwed up back then. ”

“The unnegotiated twenty-four-seven relationship,” Marcos said, his voice thick.

Maya nodded. “Yeah. Yeah, that one is blazingly obvious.”

“You weren’t able to speak to us freely, not really,” Jason added.

Maya sighed. “Yes, though I don’t think I realized it back then.”

“You were young,” I murmured. “We were so much older than you.”

“Six years isn’t that much,” Maya said.

“It is when you’re only twenty-four,” I shot back.

She shrugged a shoulder. “I didn’t realize until years later how much that might have played a part in things.

Slipping into the full-time dynamic was easy and something I hadn’t realized until it was too late, but even then, I hadn’t minded at the time.

Not until I realized how much agency I felt I gave up.

I had to use my safe word during phone calls with you guys while I was at work.

Toward the end there, it became too much. ”

I swallowed, knowing she was right. Marcos and Jason looked contrite at least. It was mostly them she was talking about anyways. “The number one thing I learned though, was you never ever renegotiate during a scene.” Maya’s voice was steady and calm as she met Marcos’s gaze.

He gulped and held her stare, though I could see tears welling up in his eyes again.

“That was my biggest trigger during that scene and it sent me spiraling mentally. I thought you were breaking up with me. I should have called Red. I remember thinking if I called Red, and he really meant to break up with me, this is it. I told myself to finish the scene and you wouldn’t be so upset, that you wouldn’t break up with me if could just finish. ”

“Fuck, Maya.” Marcos’s body shuddered as he stifled a sob.

Maya wiped away her own tears and kept going.

“So yes. No renegotiating during scenes. The other aspect was communication. I hadn’t been honest with you about my mental state, or my physical state.

I wasn’t in the right headspace to have a scene.

” She turned to Jason. “I hadn’t eaten anything that day.

I tried, but I was too nauseous. At the time I thought I was too anxious, but looking back, I was probably already having morning sickness and didn’t realize. ”

Jason sighed and grabbed her hand. “I should have saw that. I should have known that you were so emotionally distressed that your nerves would have been shot. It’s not going to happen again; we’re going to check in before any scene we have in the future.”

Maya nodded. “It was also a very long scene, incorporating elements that we had briefly talked about, we never fully discussed.”

“Had I known you hadn’t eaten, or were pregnant, I never would have drugged you,” Marcos said immediately.

“I know, Marc. I know.” She took his hand and laced their fingers together.

Tears till poured down his face, but he was watching her with unflinching loyalty.

“From everything I’ve learned from being in the kink community, the scene we did that night was something that most people wouldn’t attempt unless they’ve been in the community a long time.

There were a lot of elements that, stacked together, just made things too long and maybe too much. ”

“I should have use my safe word that night.” I finally spoke up.

Maya’s eyes snapped to mine and she shook her head. “I should have myself. I know that now.”

“You shouldn’t have had to,” I insisted.

“It should not have gone that far.” I shot a look at my brothers, both of whom looked ashamed.

“As your Doms, it is our job to ensure your safety. It was our responsibility to look after you, protect you. It was our job to make sure you had everything you needed and were cherished. We failed you.”

“He’s absolutely right, Maya.” Jason agreed. “I failed you as a Dom. You deserved better.”

“You do deserve better.” Marcos spoke softly, his voice raspy. “I’m going to try to be a better man for you and Luke. It’s funny; I talked to him at Johnny’s - he told me I was a great father, but I needed to be a better boyfriend to you.”

Maya gasped and covered her mouth as she both smiled and tears welled in her eyes.

“He was right. I need to figure out how to be a better man for you. Johnny told me about a dungeon or sex club here. I guess it’s run by the Seratellis?” Marcos’s raised an eyebrow at me. “Sinister Desires?”

“I’ve heard of it,” Maya said. “I go to the sister club in Chicago, Delicate Desires.”

My mouth opened to speak, but I didn’t have anything to say. My cousin’s empire had expanded vastly in the last ten years. There was a lot I didn’t know anymore. I was shocked. I’d have to reach out to Leo about it.

“Anyways, Johnny told me I should go to a couple Dom classes there. Relearn some things,” Marcos continued.

“I’m down,” I said immediately.

“Me too,” Jason added.

Maya laughed lightly. “I’d definitely like to check things out.

Like I said, I frequented the Chicago location often.

It’s actually how I met my therapist - through a friend at the club.

She’s actually a sex therapist. She was able to help me break through some of the pain over the years and helped me deep dive into what went wrong back then. ”

“I’m glad you found a community you felt safe in, Little Dreamer.” I squeeze her hand before I bring it to my lips and kiss the back of it.

“Me too,” Jason said, resting his hand on her thigh. “I’ve been watching videos about things online, trying to relearn things as well. It’ll be nice to be able to ask questions.”

Maya smiled. “I’m glad you guys are open to learning more.”

“Of course, Little Dreamer. Sexy education, here we come!” I joked, trying to get her to laugh.

It worked. Her light laughter was a balm for my weary soul. “Why don’t we take a break? We can help you decorate the house, then maybe later we can do a nice dinner and talk about what our dynamic will be in the future?”

Maya smiled brightly. “Yeah, that sounds great. I think we all need a break.” She looked at Marcos and Jason.

Both men sighed heavily and nodded. “Yeah.”

Maya leaned in and hugged and kissed them both, before she turned to me with a bright smile. “You always know what to say,” she murmured.

I leaned forward and kissed her soundly. I held her jaw to angle her face and deepen the kiss. “I love you, Little Dreamer. You’re the strongest person I know.”

She was breathless as she pulled away, a blush covering her cheeks. “I love you too, Nic.”