Page 42 of Brandishing Balance (Devil’s Psychos MC #3)

Marcos

I drove away from the house with tears still pouring down my face, knowing in my heart I was making the wrong decision. I was making a monumentally stupid decision.

I screamed at the top of my lungs and pulled the fuck over three blocks from the house. I couldn’t see straight, I couldn’t fucking think.

Pulling over along the side of the road, I slumped over my bike and sobbed. Fucking Christ. This was all my fucking fault. I almost killed the love of my life with my own fucking selfishness.

“Marcos man, what happened?” Johnny’s voice grabbed my attention.

Lifting my head, I found the leather clad biker standing on the side of the street…barefoot. Something about the sight jolted me out my anguish. “Fuck.” I wiped my face with both hands and tried to calm my breathing.

“Dude, what happened?” Johnny asked.

“Me. I fucking happened.”

The sound of boots stomping on the pavement made me jerk my head to the right.

Kevin and Derrick ran down their long driveway toward me.

In the front yard, I see Kara with a baby monitor clipped to her thigh and one hand on Luke’s shoulder as they stood there watching me breakdown on the side of the street.

“You OK, man?” Kevin asked.

I shook my head. “Not really.”

Johnny nodded. “Come on, we’ll grab a beer in the garage. But you gotta say something to Luke first.”

I nodded, feeling utterly defeated. I was probably scaring the shit out of my sister and son.

I needed to be strong…but I was so fucking tired.

How could someone be strong, when they were the cause of the turmoil and heartbreak around them?

When they were the reason people had suffered for the last ten years?

So much could have been different, had I not fucked up back then.

Slowly, I turn my bike around and make my way up the driveway. As I shut off my bike, Luke comes running over. I stand from my bike quickly, making sure the kickstand is down before I grab Luke to me and hold him tight.

“Are you OK, dad? Did something happen to mom? Why are you crying?” Luke squeezed me as I lifted him from his feet and buried my face in his neck.

“I’m OK, buddy. Just a little sad. Mom’s OK too. We were talking about the past and why she had to leave here before she had you. I just realized how much I missed out on, how much of it I could have prevented. It was my fault buddy. I should have been a better man. I’m so sorry, Luke.”

Luke stiffened in my arms. “Did you leave her alone again?”

“What? No!” I pulled back to look him in the eye. His little face was so serious as he stared me back, so determined. “No. Nico and Jason are with her. I promise you.”

“Then why aren’t you?”

My mouth dropped open in shock. I found myself utterly speechless. He was right. With four words, my nine-year-old son knocked me on my ass. “I—uh.”

“Luke honey, sometimes after hard conversations, people need their space. Sometimes it’s easier to breakdown without anyone watching,” Kara said softly as she walked over.

I glanced at my sister, grateful and slowly set Luke back on the pavement. “She’s right. I didn’t want your mom to see me like this. I didn’t want you to see me like this.”

Luke frowned. “Hiding your feelings won’t help. Secrets are what started this. It’s not good to keep your pain secret from your family.”

How the fuck was this little boy so fucking wise? “You’re absolutely right, son. The truth is…I’m scared. I don’t know how to fix things, or how to be the kind of man your mother deserves.”

“Only Maya can decide what she deserves,” Kara said softly. “You can only choose to do better, be better.”

“Yeah, dad. You’re a great dad, now you gotta be a great boyfriend.”

I can’t help but chuckle at Luke’s logic. “Yeah buddy.”

“Are you going to go home?” Luke asked, as Johnny, Kevin, and Derrick walked up.

I nod slowly. “I will. I just need to talk to your uncles for a bit.”

“Alright. I love you dad. Go home to mom, soon.” Luke wrapped his arms around my waist and I had to close my eyes as another sob threatened to escape.

“Yeah, bud. Love you too.”

Kara gave me a reassuring smile as she wrapped an arm around Luke’s shoulders and led him away.

“Come on, man,” Johnny grunted, squeezing my shoulder.

He steered me toward their garage and through the side door.

Inside, besides the tools and bikes, was a designated man cave set up in the back corner with leather couches facing a big screen TV.

They had fridge stocked full of beer and a bar full of liquor.

“Want a beer, or something stronger?” Derrick asked, as he walked over to the bar.

I eyed my sister’s Macallan for a second before I shook my head. “Just a beer. I need to go back soon.”

Once the beer was in my hand, and Derrick and Kevin left the garage, I sat down and sighed heavily. Resting my head in my hands, I ran my fingers through my short hair. It still felt weird to me, but Maya liked it, so I would do whatever I could to keep her happy.

“What happened?” Johnny asked, taking a seat on the other couch to my right.

I popped the tab on the can and took a long pull before I answered. “We sat down and dug into the past. What happened ten years ago…what really happened.”

“Learned some hard truths, then,” Johnny surmised.

I nodded and took another pull from the can. “Yeah.”

“Some things we can only learn from and move on. Try to be better.”

“What do you know about BDSM?” I asked.

Johnny barked out a laugh. “Oh brother, you really don’t want to ask me that question.”

I looked up confused, and he shot me a look that said I really didn’t want to know . “Alright, not talking about my sister, but then you get the principle.”

“Yeah.”

“Back then… we were in a twenty-four-seven relationship. It wasn’t negotiated, but it happened.

In fact, during negotiations we had explicitly stated that we would never expect her to be in a twenty-four-seven dynamic, but like I said, living together for two years, we just kind of fell into that. ” I paused to take a sip of my beer.

“Shit.”

“Yeah.” I sighed. “Things got out of hand. By the end, I think it was hard for Maya to speak up, to come to us. I think the three of us steamrolled over her sometimes. And we definitely didn’t take care of her the way we should have.

Put her first more.” I shook my head. “Things with Buckley and the club were never easy and more times than not, she was left home alone to fend for herself.”

“What was the deciding factor, then?” Johnny asked, cutting right to the chase.

I took a deep breath and stared off at the black TV screen, unable to meet my brother’s gaze.

“Our last scene…I took things too far. It was a punishment, but I should have cooled off more. I should have waited until I was level-headed and cooled down. Maya wasn’t in the right headspace either—hadn’t eaten all day, was way too anxious to do a scene and I…

I took things too far. I strung her up, in the woods out back,” I motioned toward the back wall of the garage, indicating the woods we shared in our backyards.

“She handled the scene well, but she ended up getting hypothermia.”

“Fuck.” Johnny grunted.

I looked down and nodded. “I didn’t realize how bad it was at the time…

” I choked up but forced myself to continue.

“She told us how she almost died that night. The next morning, she had to give herself IV fluids because she was so dehydrated. And I left her alone after the scene. No aftercare. Short of warming up her body with ours…we left her alone the next morning.”

“Jesus Christ, dude,” Johnny growled.

A sob tore out of me, hearing his disappointment. I don’t know why I was looking at him as my moral compass, but something about the man—my younger brother—that just made me want to be a better person.

He didn’t comfort me while I cried, but he sat in silence while I got it out of my system. Johnny had a calm magnetism about him.

When I calmed down again, Johnny spoke. “Look man. You can’t change the past. Yeah, it was completely fucked up what you did—but you did it. All three of you did it, that doesn’t just land on you. Neither Jason nor Nico stayed back to take care of her that morning.”

“I didn’t give them the chance. I was VP then. I ordered them out of the house.”

Johnny sighed heavily and rubbed his bearded jaw with his knuckles.

“Either way, they could have told you to fuck off. Her safety should have been the most important thing. The club could have waited a couple hours.” He held up a hand before I could open my mouth.

“Your sub’s safety is the only thing that should have mattered that morning.

As a Dom, she was your responsibility. If you couldn’t give her the care that she deserved and needed , then you have no place being a fucking Dom, you hear me? ”

I nodded, tears sliding down my face.

“You can’t do anything like that ever again. I would just take all punishment scenes out of your dynamic completely if you guys ever go down that road again.”

Again, I nodded. Dropping my head, I rest my elbows on my knees and stare at the floor as tears silently slid down my face. “Yeah.”

“Look man, we’re human. We all fuck up from time to time. You can’t let it eat you up too much.” I looked up to meet his gaze as he continued speaking. “You gotta learn from it, though. Marcos man, you can’t ever fuck up that badly again.” Johnny shook his head. “Have you ever been to Sinister?”

I shook my head. “Never heard of it. What is it?”

Johnny gaped at me, looking surprised. “Dude, we need to educate you. Sinister Desires. It’s owned by the Seratellis—it’s a sex club or BDSM dungeon. Whatever you want to call it.”

“What the fuck?”

“Yeah, how did you not know about this? I thought Nico was a Seratelli by blood?”

I shrugged. “He’s been estranged from the family for a while.”

“Either way dude. I suggest you go and take some classes on aftercare and etiquette. It’s clear you need some retraining in the ways of being a Dom.”

“Yeah.” I pulled out my phone and immediately looked up the club. It looked sexy as fuck and it was right in The Edges. No wonder I never paid it any attention.

“Go home, Marcos. Talk to Maya. She needs you right now.”

I nod and stand up. “Yeah.” I turn to face Johnny. “Thank you…for everything.”

Johnny gives me a wry grin. “Go read Dad’s journal while you’re at it. You might find something useful in there.”