Page 22 of Brandishing Balance (Devil’s Psychos MC #3)

Maya

B y Monday, I was chomping at the bit to get the fuck out of the hospital.

Jenna and my mother were driving me nuts.

Nico—bless his heart—was also driving me fucking nuts.

Sunday Jason and Marcos had left for most of the day, taking Luke with them, leaving me with the three of them hovering over me.

By the time Marcos and Jason came back that night, I was ready to lock myself in the bedroom suite.

Jason took one look at my face and had kicked everyone out. Thankfully Luke had been fine to go with Jenna and my mother. When Nico finally left, Jason had climbed into the bed with me and pulled me into his chest.

Monday morning was different though. Nico hated being away, so he was being clingy again.

Marco and Jason had to leave for a job for the day, so my mother and Jenna had swooped in again.

“I love you all, but I can’t take you guys anymore,” I finally said, putting my hands on my head.

“I need quiet. All of you need to leave.”

“But—” Nico said, looking hurt.

“Nicolai, I love you, but you gotta go. For a couple hours, at least, please,” I said, exasperated.

Nico gasped in a fake outrage, holding his hand to his heart acting a fool. “You’re kicking me out? What about—”

“Please!” I shouted, my fingers wrapped around my hair, pulling at the roots. I was getting overwhelmed and over stimulated; I was about to freak out on all of them soon if they didn’t leave me the fuck alone.

“Alright, Little Dreamer. I hear you,” Nico finally relented. He held his hands up in surrender and stood from his recliner.

When I was finally alone, I took a deep breath and fell back against the bed.

I wanted a shower, a real shower, and I wanted my own damn bed, with no nurses coming in the middle of the night to check my vitals despite the damn computer I was hooked up to telling them everything they need to know.

Darla had been fantastic, but on the nights she was off, the other nurse, the younger one, was a little less tactful.

I had already complained to Griff several times.

I had also begun to text Griffin frequently, complaining about still being in the hospital.

I needed peace and quiet, I needed my normal routine again—and Luke NEEDED to be in school.

He was throwing more and more of a fit every time he had to leave me.

While it broke my heart, it was getting out of hand.

We needed our fucking normal back.

I would fight tooth and nail to get my ass back home.

“How you doing?” Darla asked.

I slowly opened my eyes to meet the gaze of the older woman standing in the doorway and gave her an exasperated look that said it all.

Darla laughed and walked closer. “They mean well, at least.”

“I know. I know they do. It fucking sucks though. I haven’t time to fucking process everything yet and they’re watching me to see if I’m gonna fucking break down. Like they’re waiting for it.”

“Yeah, meeting other’s expectations of grieving is hard. Everyone processes pain and grief in their own way.” Darla took a seat in the hard plastic chair to my right that Jason usually sat in.

“I haven’t even had a chance to think of what happened, I’ve been refusing to let myself think about it, to be honest. Not while they’re all here and watching—waiting,” I grumbled.

Darla chuckled. “Have you thought about a therapist?”

“Yeah, I’ve thought that I’ll probably need one when I finally let myself think about the week of hell I went through. That’s about as far as I’ve gotten with that line of thinking though,” I admitted.

“That is honestly way more emotionally cognizant than anyone could expect after what you endured,” Darla nodded.

I shrugged. “It’s more of an avoidance than coping method, if I’m being honest. Anytime I start to think of what happened, I keep telling myself that now is not the time. I’m not ready to unpack all that yet—if I’ll ever be ready.”

“No,” Darla shook her head. “I don’t think anyone would ever ready to unpack that.”

I chuckled sardonically. “I’m gonna need therapy just dealing with my family.”

Darla barked a laugh. “They do seem a little much , at some points.”

I grinned widely. “Met my sister, have you?”

“Oh, Doc Jen is great.” Darla grinned. “Your mother on the other hand?”

I laughed and slapped my thigh. “I know. Tell me about it.”

“She was going off on another nurse for the size of the ice cubes. I mean, you were unconscious still. Ice wasn’t a worry.” Darla shook her head.

Again, I found myself laughing. “You don’t know Elaine Henderson. Everything has to be perfect. It’s all about appearances.”

Darla shook her head, a knowing look in her eye. “That had to be tough growing up.”

Nodding, I wondered how much to reveal. In the end, Darla had already seen all of me, so why not bear the ugly truths.

“She was never a good mom to me. Jenna was the favorite, and that was that. Jenna always tried to include me, always tried to make mom see reason, but it didn’t matter when Elaine got what Elaine wanted. ”

“I can see that about her,” Darla admitted.

“I will say in the last five years or so, she’s turned things around.

She is actively trying, and she really is great with Luke, but it doesn’t change much for me.

That relationship was already strained. I think with my dad’s passing recently, and my…

kidnapping… she’s seeing how short life is and is trying harder this time around.

But it’s almost like, too little, too late, you know? ” I asked.

Darla nodded her head, a thoughtful expression on her face.

“I get that. That’s totally acceptable to feel that way—valid even.

But what about letting go of the past? I’m not saying to forgive and forget—never that—but to let go of the pain you felt over the past and start anew.

You can hold her at an arm’s length if makes you feel better, but you could also give her a chance again. ”

I sat silently, mulling over Darla’s words. “I’m not saying I won’t try, but I’m tired of always having to.”

“Tell her that. Spell that out to her. She has more to lose now.”

“Jenna said the same thing years ago. When Luke was two, my mother showed up in Chicago on Jenna’s doorstep one night.

Jenna hadn’t spoken to her in a couple years, not since my mother had kicked me out of the house after college.

I hadn’t been dating the guys very long then, barely a couple weeks, and she kicked me out because I got home later than I thought.

Though I had told her when to expect me.

She was so set in her ways back then, and so fricking rigid in her thinking. Unreasonable, honestly.

“But yeah, she showed up at Jenna’s house and saw me with a baby and just started bawling.

She apologized for everything and went on all these tangents, and I just let her.

I kinda just let everything go in one ear and out the other.

Over the years, I kept things cordial, but always at a distance.

Then they got in their accident last year and needed someone to take care of them.

I volunteered because Luke had been asking about his father, so I figured two birds with one stone… ” I shook my head, trailing off.

“Things go back to the way they were before?” Darla asked.

“Not really? But kinda? Like it was weird being back in that house again. She was great with Luke, but kinda cold and standoffish with me? I know she was stressed, taking care of my father—seeing him that way was hard—but I dunno.”

“It still hurt?” Darla supplied.

“Yeah, yeah it did.” I nodded, then shook my head. “I don’t know what to do about it now. And I keep getting on Griff to let me out of here, but realistically heading back to her house doesn’t sound all that great either.”

“Why not? Wouldn’t somewhere familiar be better than not, right now?”

I thought about it for a moment. “Sure, but it’s a small three-bedroom house and my sister is in town, Luke has his own space, and Nico and the guys…”

“Are very clingy?” Darla chuckled.

“Yes. Is it too much to ask for some space?”

“No. Not at all. You need to set boundaries with them. Communicate.”

I laughed and shook my head again. “We used to be so good at that—or so I thought.”

“What do you mean?”

I played with the Band-Aid from where my IV needles had pierced my skin, debating my words. “What do you know about BDSM?”

“Quite a bit, you’d be surprised.” Darla winked at me.

I let out a started laugh and nodded appreciatively. “Alright, Darla!”

Darla just smiled and waited for me to continue.

Looking down and toying with my bandage, I explained.

“When we started dating, we negotiated everything. Full out kink lists, likes and dislikes, hard and soft limits, the whole nine yards. And we would check in with each other weekly, see if things weren’t working any more or if there was something new that we wanted to try.

It worked well for so long… then eventually the lines began to blur, and we fell into this twenty-four/seven relationship that we never negotiated.

At the time it felt natural. But looking back, I realize that it had gotten harder for me to speak up, to speak my mind.

I didn’t want to upset the status quo, I guess. ”

“How old were you then?”

“I was twenty-four when I left. We were together for two years.”

“You were still really, really young,” Darla said. “You gotta give yourself some grace. Being in full-time, D & S relationship is hard for anyone, let alone a twenty-year-old kid still figuring out how the world works. They’re older than you?”

“Yeah. They’re all forty now.”

“And you’re thirty-four?”

“Yep.” I nodded.

“Yeah, you gotta cut yourself some slack. You were in over your head and probably managed well. Maybe you did great, but lines were blurred and things happen. Add in the outside forces you were dealing with and of course you felt overwhelmed. I think you should kick those boys’ asses for letting things escalate the way they had.

They were your Doms and there were three of them.

They had a say in how things progressed as well.

They should have either backed off or initiated the conversation themselves regarding the relationship.

Had you felt comfortable enough to bring things up back then, maybe you would have gone to them about the stalker thing. ”

I frowned as I contemplated what Darla had just said.

It wasn’t the first time I had heard something along those lines.

I’d gone searching for answers in the local BDSM community when I was in Chicago and online forums. There had been too much left up in the air, and that last night I’d shared with my guys in the forest hadn’t sat right with me for years after.

It was how I found my therapist—a friend from the BDSM club I frequented had recommended her.

Sighing, I nodded. I had a lot to think about and not enough time to figure it out. Everyone was gone, so I was going to take advantage of the quiet to take a shower. “Can I shower?” I asked, changing the subject.

Darla smiled easily and nodded. She stood up and patted me on the hand. “Sure, can, kiddo.”