Page 38 of Brandishing Balance (Devil’s Psychos MC #3)

I shake my head honestly. “No. I knew tonight was important for the club—for you guys. I just saw my sister last week, and I never told her or Luke I was going, so it’s not a big deal.”

“But you wanted to go and had to cancel because of us. That still means something.”

I shrugged.

“Don’t do that.” Jason stepped closer to me, shaking his head. “Don’t just disregard how you feel.”

I snort out a disbelieving laugh and shake my head. “Jason, it’s not the first time I’ve had to put aside my wants or needs because of the club. And with the way things are going, it won’t be the last time either.”

Jason hissed out a breath. “I don’t like that.”

I shrugged and looked away from his intense gaze. He could not like it all he wanted; the fact of the matter was, in this life, that was the luck of the draw.

Jason grabbed my hand and turned toward the beach. I went easily with him, wanting to move on from this argument and check out the water. “Shit, hold on.” He dropped my hand and headed back to the bike.

I waited, watching him pop his trunk and pull out a blanket and a cooler. Be still my aching heart . What the fuck was this man up to? Jason rarely did romantic gestures, but when he did, he did them in spades.

He handed me the blanket when he reached me, and I quickly tucked it under my other arm while reaching for his hand again. I fucking loved holding his hand.

“That truce didn’t last long,” I said.

“What do you mean? We’re still under a truce.” He shot me a smirk.

I rolled my eyes and a smile tugged at the corner of my lips. I refused to give him more than that though.

We walked for a little while, until we found an alcove in the grassy knoll that formed a u-shape cut out in a sand dune, giving us a sense of privacy. Jason set down the cooler before he reached for the blanket and unfolded it in a whipping flourish and laid it down on the sand.

Settling down, we both watched the waves in the moonlight, letting the quiet fall between us. It was so soothing, so fucking romantic, and the jerk with me always had one card up his sleeve, just waiting to spring on me.

“You told Luke we were together,” he murmured.

I nodded slowly, the knowledge that we were going to have this conversation weighed on me. It needed to happen, but I still felt like a lead weight settling onto my shoulders. “Yep.”

He turned his head to meet my gaze. “Why?”

“Why do you keep holding my hand?” I countered.

He huffed and reached for my hand again. I rolled my eyes and laced my fingers with his as we both looked back to the ocean. “I know shit is rocky right now between us, but holding your hand is the only way I know how to show you I still care, even if I can’t express the words.”

I knew that already, I did, but it was still nice to hear him say it.

“Truth is, I never stopped loving you and it tore me to pieces when you left us without a word.” His voice is low, sending shivers down my spine.

Tears welled in my eyes and I knew they’re only the first of many. I nodded, “I know, I never doubted that.”

“Yes, you did, I put that doubt in your head, just like you put the same doubt in ours.”

I nodded, a sob escaping me.

“I don’t know how we do this, how we move forward…

but I know I don’t want to live another day without you by my side.

I don’t want that doubt between us anymore.

” He reached over and wrapped his arms around my knees and waist and physically hauled my ass onto his lap.

I barely settled, straddling him, when he grabbed my chin between his thumb and forefinger, and jerked my face so I’d meet his gaze.

I fucking loved when they manhandled me. Looking him in the eye, I waited for his next move.

“I don’t think you understand how important you are to me.” His voice grew gravellier as it clogged with emotion. “I tried to erase you from my heart, tried to fuck you out of my system, but I couldn’t. None of them were ever you.”

I choked out a half laugh-sob, and felt oddly satisfied about that. “That’s not what it looked like at Kara’s party all those months ago.”

He at least looked contrite. “I couldn’t come after you left. In fact, I haven’t been able to come with anyone else since you came back in January.”

Shit, if that wasn’t romance, I didn’t know what was. Funny, how such a stupid thing could ease my jealousy. “That had to hurt your ego.”

“It did… and probably fueled my rage. I’m sorry again for wrapping my hand around your throat. That was uncalled for.”

I tried to looked away from him, but he still held my chin in his grip and immediately nudged me back when I moved. “I’ve never seen you look at me like that before—that rage and utter hatred for me—I’ve never been afraid of you before that moment.” My voice was soft as I admitted the truth.

He finally let go of my chin as horror washed over his face.

I could see the shame in his eyes. I reached up and put my hand on his cheek, needing to touch him.

“Maya…” Tears welled in his stormy gray eyes, and I rubbed my thumb over his chiseled cheek bone and waited, giving him the time to think out what he wanted to say.

“I’m so sorry. I never—fuck.” He cleared his throat.

“God, baby.” He groaned and his tears fell down his face.

I wiped his tears away, bringing my other hand up to his other cheek.

“I’m so fucking sorry, Maya.” Jason muttered, closing his eyes.

“I’m not going to say it’s ok , because it really isn’t,” I murmured.

“I will say that I know things have changed since then, and I know you feel worse about it than I’d ever want you to feel.

I can forgive it this one time, but Jason,” I shook my head sadly, “if you ever do something like that again, I’m gone.

Even if I’m still with Marcos and Nico, me and you would be done forever.

I won’t be another domestic abuse statistic. ”

A sob broke out of him and his eyes closed.

His body shook as he began sobbing in earnest. I dropped my hands from his and wrapped my arms around his back, leaning into him.

He buried his face in the crook of my neck and pulled me tighter against him.

We sat that way for a long while, my own tears trailed silently down my face as I rubbed his back.

Eventually he pulled back and wiped his own tears away. “I promise you, Maya. You don’t have to worry about that ever happening again—it won’t. And I’ll spend the rest of my life making it up to you.”

I nodded my head once, reaching up to brush his tears away again. “Ok.”

He nodded himself once, as if unsure of what else to say.

“Tell me about not being able to get off with the Devil’s Chasers.” I smirked up at him.

“Ah fuck.” He groaned and shook his head. “It happened on and off over the last ten years, any time I’d think about you, really. If I tried to erase your memory with another woman, it happened. And then when you moved back in January, it’s been since then.”

I laughed wryly. “Good.”

He grinned brightly, his white teeth sparkling despite the dim light of the moon.

“I wanted to bash that bitch’s face in, anyways.”

“Always my little brawler.” Jason chuckled.

I rolled my eyes.

“How do we do this?” Jason asked, changing the subject. “How do we both just forgive and forget?”

“We don’t forget.” I shook my head. “We can’t—the pain is too real.

We won’t ever forget it.” I sighed heavily, taking a moment to compose my thoughts.

“Honesty. Honesty is the only way forward. Both of us need to be open with each other, communicate our feelings constantly. I know that’s hard for both of us, but Jason, there’s no other way at this point.

We both need to work constantly, every single day going forward on our relationship if we want this to work.

I’ve said the same thing to the other two, being open and honest is the only way forward. ”

“Yeah,” he grunted.

“I need to be a priority. I hate that I even have to ask for that; I feel like it should be a given in a healthy relationsh—”

“You are a priority. You always were.”

“The club always came first. And I know it will again, and most of the time I will understand that…” I shook my head and trailed off.

I needed a minute to gather my thoughts again.

I swallow thickly as emotions choke me up again.

“My son will always be my number one priority,” I settled on.

“His happiness and safety will always come first, as will the happiness and safety of any more children we may have down the line.”

“You want more children?” Jason asked, his voice higher than normal.

I rolled my eyes, “Please, like I didn’t see the three of you salivating at the thought of it when you saw me with Lilah this morning.”

A sheepish smile pulled across Jason lips and I swear if I could see the color of his cheeks, I bet he’d be blushing.

He cleared his throat. “I know you think that we didn’t make you a priority last time, and maybe we could have tried harder back then.

But I promise you, Maya, things are different this time around. ”

“How so?” I questioned, raising an eyebrow.

“Marc’s pres now. He runs things differently than Buckley. We’re still cleaning up a lot of Buckley’s mess, but I promise you, all the bullshit and drama you had to go through back then, it’s not an issue now.” Jason sounded so sincere, so earnest, it was hard not to believe him.

I had to look away from him. I was baring my heart too much and I needed a minute.