Page 41 of Brandishing Balance (Devil’s Psychos MC #3)

“I was so scared, I jumped at everything. I barely slept. I kept agonizing over when or how to tell you guys, but every time I tried, you guys were busy with the club and I just…thought it might be better—safer—to keep my mouth closed.” I looked down at the pillow, watching my fingers card through the tassels, unable to meet their eyes.

“Maya.” My name came out as a whisper on Jason’s lips.

I felt my face scrunch up as I fought the tears.

I took a shaky breath and Nico handed me a bottle of water.

Opening it, I took a quick sip. “After you guys were shot,” I glanced at Marcos and Jason quickly, “I tried everything I could to get you guys to stay home with me. You said you had too much going on at the club, especially because of the shooting, so you had to go.” I paused as more tears fell down my face.

“I couldn’t stay home alone. I was crawling out of my skin.

I was worried sick that something was going to happen.

I couldn’t be here anymore…not alone. So I called Karma to see if her and Arturo were having people over and sure enough, they were.

“A million thoughts went through my head. All I remember is thinking that I was going to get fucked up that night. I wanted to forget it all, so I ordered the rideshare. Yeah…I probably should have drove and spent the night, but I wasn’t thinking rationally at that point.

The stress and fear had torn at me all week.

” I shook my head and wiped away my tears.

“Mi Vida,” Marcos murmured.

I gave him a shaky smile as his hand landed on my knee as well.

Jason stood up and sat on the coffee table in front of me.

I was surrounded by my guys, and while it helped ease some of the pain, I knew it was only going to get worse as I continued.

“The disappointment on all your faces that night killed me. Walking into this room and seeing the three of you lined up waiting, knowing I broke one our rules—not even that I broke a rule—it was that I put myself in danger…and I knew it. That drive home, it was all I could think about.” I shook my head and took another sip of water.

The three of them waited silently, respecting my wishes to not interrupt, though I knew how much they wanted to.

“The next day, when I woke up and saw that you guys weren’t here and then the note…

I knew I fucked up. I was so anxious, I couldn’t eat that day.

My anxiety was through the roof. I was so scared that I ruined everything between us and was still kicking myself for not telling you guys about Dax.

” I took a shuddering breath as more tears poured down my face.

“I was shaky when we started the scene. I should have told you that I hadn’t eaten yet, but I couldn’t.

There was a lot I should have told you before then, but I didn’t know how to speak up at that point. My anxiety was killing me.”

“Jesus Christ, Mi Vida,” Marcos swore.

I couldn’t meet his gaze. I kept my hands on the pillow tassels, pulling and straightening them, smoothing them out. Anything I could do to keep my fingers busy while my mind freaked the fuck out. “So yeah, then we had the scene.”

“Fucking hell, Little Dreamer.” Nico groaned.

I took another sip of water, the paper wrapping fraying like my nerves and will to continue.

“Keep going Darlin’. Tell us the rest,” Jason said, his voice low and full of gravel.

I swallowed thickly. “I did mostly OK through it. Even with the drug use and being tied up outside…I was OK with it…until I wasn’t…”

“What was the tipping point?” Marcos voice was low and rough, but his hand squeezed my knee.

A sob broke out of me. My chest felt heavy as I tried to contain it, stifle it.

I took another sip of my water and Jason handed me a tissue.

I took a deep breath and tried to steady my breathing.

“During the scene, you said ‘ maybe we need to reevaluate our relationship? Maybe it’s time to renegotiate things? Because this isn’t working on our end’.

” I can’t look at him, even as I hear his intake of breath.

Another sob tore out of me and I let it. I curled up and buried my face in my knees and hugged them. I felt Nico’s hand rub down my back, but he didn’t say anything.

“Reevaluate and renegotiate. Red,” Marcos murmured, sounding dazed.

“Fucking hell,” Jason groaned.

“Little Dreamer.” Nico’s voice was almost a whine. I could hear the emotion in his voice, his own heartbreak over everything that happened.

I forced myself to calm down though, to uncurl my body.

I wasn’t done. We weren’t done. We had so much more to discuss and we desperately needed to.

It was time for it all to be all out in the open.

Past time. Calming my breathing, I wiped my eyes before I took a sip of my almost empty water bottle.

Jason stood up abruptly and headed to the kitchen while I gathered myself. I glanced up at Marcos to find him staring at the table in a daze. I squeezed his fingers on my knee and he turned to me, looking haunted.

“I was so heartbroken. I thought you were breaking up with me. I should have used my safe word. I should have stopped the scene so we could have talked it out right then and there, but I was so scared that if I did anything you didn’t want that night, that I would lose you forever. ” I took a shuddering breath.

Marcos watched me with wide eyes.

Jason sat back down on the table in front of me and opened a new water bottle before he handed it over.

Nico’s hand on my other knee was a solid comfort. He was watching me with a pained look on his face. I hated that we were all being torn apart right now, but God damn did we need to do this. We could never move forward, otherwise.

I stared at the pillow again. “After the scene, I must have gone into shock and the hypothermia set in…the next morning when I woke up alone, I was so upset. I didn’t know what to think, not after what you said.

You had texted me ‘duty calls’ and you were at the club.

You guys left me alone while I was dealing with post hypothermic symptoms. I could have died.

” The words came choked out on a sob and I quickly cleared my throat to stop it as the tears poured down my face.

“I could barely move; I was so dehydrated. I was barely functioning. I ended up getting sick—dry heaving—all I remember was needing to get to my bag. I needed IV fluids or to call 911.”

“Fucking Christ.” Nico’s sob broke out of him and he grabbed me, hauling me into his lap. “I’m sorry, Maya. I’m so, so, sorry.” His body shook as he held me tightly to his body.

Through my tears, I looked over at Marcos and Jason, and both of them looked like they saw a ghost. Regret and anguish shown on their faces. Marcos looked like he was on the verge of freaking out.

I couldn’t help him through this though.

He needed to hear it all. I hated that I was hurting them so deeply, but I was done keeping things from them to spare their feelings.

It might keep them safe, but it didn’t do us any good in the long run.

We were a team. They could share the burden, the weight of the feelings I’ve been carrying for the last ten years.

The truth.

“Somehow, I made it downstairs to my bag. Once I had the IV fluids, I felt better. Then I was pissed.” I laughed ruefully.

“I went to make myself something to eat, knowing I needed nutrients, and the fucking refrigerator was empty. I had spent a week on nights and no one else in this house had gone grocery shopping. I was so fucking pissed when I dragged myself out of the house. My heart was broken that my Doms hadn’t thought about aftercare, hadn’t thought to even check on me or stay with me when it was clear that you knew I was hypothermic.

” I shook my head, unable to look at them.

The pain and heart break resurfacing. “All I kept thinking about was reevaluate and renegotiate .”

“Maya,” Marcos gasped. He covered his face with his hands and hunched over as his shoulders shook.

Jason looked sick, pale and green, and wide-eyed as he stared at me.

“When I was at the grocery store, Dax found me. He cornered me against the freezers and told me to leave town.” I looked Jason in the eye as I spoke.

Nico squeezed me tighter.

“He said that if I didn’t leave town, then he was going to kill the three of you.” I took another shuddering breath and then looked away from Jason and took a sip of water.

Nico rocked me gently as he sniffled into the crook of my neck. “Fucking hell, Maya,” Nico breathed.

Marcos’s fingers gripped his short hair—hair that he was finally growing out for me.

I swallowed the cool water and took a deep breath.

“I was more angry, than I was scared after encountering Dax. I had told him to fuck off, and vowed to myself that I would tell you guys immediately. I went home and got ready for the party at the club. I still didn’t feel that well, I was nauseas all day.

I tried to call you guys and tell you that I wasn’t coming, but none of you answered your phones. ”

“Darlin’.”

I shook my head, cutting him off. I stared at Marcos instead. “I went down to the clubhouse then. My heart was already broken, I didn’t know what to think, those fucking words were on repeat in my fucking head all day: reevaluate and renegotiate .”

Marcos finally raised his head to meet my gaze, as if he could sense my stare. He looked a wreck. His face blotchy and his eyes puffy. My heart hurt to see it.

I spoke to him as I continued. “I went down to the clubhouse then. I saw Trish touching you, hanging off your arm. I saw you allowing it. And I fucking snapped.” I huffed a laugh and shook my head.

“The whole time during our fight, she kept spouting off shit about Dax and how he was going to kill the three of you and share me with his crew. I was going to kill her. I wasn’t going to stop until she was dead.

” My voice had grown hoarse as I spoke, a soft gravely rasp.

I stared at Marcos with disappointment in my eyes.

“All I could think about was how you allowed her to touch you, after leaving me for dead at home.”

He flinched as if he’d been slapped.

“And then you pulled me off her and were yelling at me, like I was the one in the wrong. I realized that we had gotten so far off course in our relationship, I didn’t even know if I wanted to save it.” I let out a small sob and looked away from him.

“Baby,” Nico whimpered and held me tighter. I curled up in his arms and rested my head against his chest, turning so I was tucked in the fetal position, facing Marcos and Jason.

“I got sick when I got home. I hadn’t been able to keep anything down all day, despite the IV. Then after that you guys came home, Nico was arrested, and you guys left me alone—again.”

Jason hung his head into his hands as he hunched over and rested his elbows on his knees. “Maya,” he groaned my name, like he was in pain.

“The next morning when all I had was another text message from Marcos, stating that Dax had framed Nico, I knew I couldn’t do it anymore.

He was too powerful. He could get to us anywhere.

My work, the clubhouse, on the street. I knew the only way to protect you guys, was to leave.

So, I packed up everything I could…and left.

” My voice was dead by the time I finished. My heart is broken all over again.

The guys look utterly defeated.

“After I’d been at Jenna’s a week and had been sick the entire time, she made me take a test. I didn’t know what to do, and I was so fucking scared of Hillcrest…so I stayed away.”

Marcos let out a deep, heart wrenching sob that tore at my soul.

I wanted to go to him, but I couldn’t. I didn’t know what to do.

He stood up abruptly and swiftly left the room. I heard the back door slam as he left the house.

I sighed and tried to get up from Nico’s lap.

“Let him go,” Nico muttered. “He needs space right now.”

“I think we all do,” Jason rasped. He looked up at me with tears pouring down his face. “Darlin’, I need to go too. I’m sorry. I just need…I don’t…I can’t—” his voice choked off on a sob of his own, before he got up and walked away too. Thankfully, he headed upstairs.

“Nic,” I muttered, my heart pounding in my chest as I heard Marcos’s Harley start up on the driveway.

“I’m here, baby. I’ve got you.” His voice was thick with emotions and he held me tighter.