Page 9

Chapter 8

Good thing I didn't take an Uber

Big Al

T he next morning, I wake with a sour stomach.

Although I can’t drink the way I did in my younger days, the malaise isn’t from a hangover. It isn’t something I ate either.

In fact, it isn’t quite my stomach that’s plaguing me. It’s slightly higher, a gnawing ache pressing at my sternum as emptiness takes hold of my chest.

For a decade, I’ve waited for her. Offered myself up to her again and again. She shoots me down every fucking time.

And yet I wait.

Well, I don’t want to wait anymore.

If I can’t have her, it’s time to move on. This is fucking pathetic.

I’m pathetic.

No wonder she doesn’t want me.

When I get home, I’ll start dating. There has to be someone out there who can help me forget her.

My secretary, Peggy, keeps asking to set me up with her younger friend. It’s time to stop declining that offer.

Fuck it.

I breeze out of the hotel, searching for my ride to the airport. With each step, I grow more confident in my decision. When I fly out today, I’m leaving Maddie behind in more ways than one.

Enough is enough.

Time to suck up the rejection and move on.

My eyes scan the horizon, not finding Sawyer. I check my watch and furrow my brows. It’s not like him to be late. He fucking knows better. Hasn’t been out of the service for that long.

As I remove my phone from my pocket to call him, an incoming text lights up my display.

Maddie:

On your right.

My head kicks back, and I sway my vision to the right.

And there she fucking is.

Gravity, rooting me to earth right when I decided to jump.

Fuck me.

She offers a tentative wave accompanied by a half smile, seemingly nervous about being here.

I blink three times, questioning if I’m hallucinating.

Nope. Not a mirage. Maddie’s fifty feet from me, leaning against the side of her car with her legs crossed at the ankles.

My feet stutter a single step before rapidly propelling me toward her.

Did I say she was gravity? I was dead wrong. She’s much more than that.

Gravity is a constant, steady pressure that you can’t feel. Logically, you know it’s there, but you don’t actively sense the weighty drag holding you down.

Maddie’s effect on me is more severe than that. Powerful. It’s a profound force on all my joints, vehemently shoving me toward her. It’s elastic bands surrounding me, cinching tighter until I erase the space between us. A vacuum that removes the air keeping us apart. There’s nothing subtle about her effect on me.

Who the hell was I kidding?

I could no sooner give her up than stop the tides with a wave of my hand.

She uncrosses her legs and straightens as I come to a stop a foot in front of her. “Hi.”

“Hi,” I answer back.

Just like when I saw her in her dining room yesterday, our stares might as well be bolted together.

Her shoulders lift with her sharp inhale, and she gestures toward her car. “Well, your ride to the airport awaits, sir.”

Facetiously, I narrow my eyes at her. “Maddie, I’ll allow you to call me Alan. Truth be told, I’ve grown to like it. But I draw the line at sir. That’s a no-go.”

With a flourish, she rolls her eyes and huffs. “Get in the car, Alan.” Turning on her heel, she saunters over to the driver’s side of the car.

I stand dumbstruck for only a few seconds before I sputter, “Yes, ma’am.”

At this point, I don’t give a fuck whether Sawyer’s on his way to pick me up or not. Maddie’s a far more appealing option.

If she asked me to stay in Maine, I’d move heaven and earth to stay for as long as possible.

And that fucking says a lot, considering how much Redleg means to me. I’m needed there. We’re building something special. My future is riding on that place. Redleg is my purpose. My responsibility. The people there are my family.

But Maddie is... she’s my home.

No clue how or why she came to mean this much to me. The only thing I know for sure is she is everything I need.

Once my bag is in the back, I eagerly slide into the passenger seat. I’m beyond curious to see this play out.

She starts the ignition, then tosses a bemused glance my way. “Aren’t you going to ask why I’m here?”

I just grin. “No.”

“No?” she parrots.

“Did I stutter?”

Her pink lips press into a thin line. “What if I were here to abduct you? Take you to the middle of nowhere and murder you?”

A guffaw bursts out of me, unrestrained and boisterous. My shoulders shake, and my body vibrates at the hilarity of that scenario.

Maddie couldn’t hurt a fly. And I’m... well, I’m a fucking Army Ranger. We killed for a living, trained by the best in the world.

She glowers at me, eyes bulging with irritation. But it’s a put-on. Her smile breaks through the facade two seconds later.

As my laughter dries up, I indulge her. “Fine, Maddie. Why are you here instead of Sawyer?”

She throws it in reverse, checking the rearview. “Too late, mister. I’m not telling you anything.”

“Let me guess. Sawyer’s sleeping off his hangover in your guest room.”

“Wrong.”

She embellishes her denial with a buzzing sound, making my laughter return, more subdued this time.

Without even trying, she’s so fucking adorable.

My vision catches on her delicate hands as she flicks on the turn signal.

What I wouldn’t give to feel them grasp my shoulders as I taste her lips. Feel them sneak around to my nape to hold me close. I want to see those hands running all over my fevered skin. I want to make them grip the bedsheets as ecstasy overtakes her. I want to feel those hands dig through my hair, tugging at the roots while I lick her to climax after climax.

Her honey-toned voice yanks me from increasingly X-rated thoughts. “Sawyer is likely sleeping off his hangover, but that’s only because he knew I was driving you this morning. It was arranged last night after you left the party.”

“So you’re driving me to the airport or somewhere else?”

She peeks at me briefly, an indulgent grin decorating her face. “To the airport, Alan. I have no nefarious intentions. Your life isn’t in danger with me.”

My heart, on the other hand, is in grave danger.

“That’s a relief, Maddie.” I mockingly wipe the sweat from my brow. “ Phew .”

After a minute of amicable silence, I say, “I’m curious what leverage Sawyer has over you. How did he force you to do his dirty work?”

“Dirty work?” She giggles softly, shaking her head. “Driving you to the airport isn’t work. And...” She nibbles on her lower lip like she’s trying to bite back her sentence.

I wait her out.

Right before my patience snaps, she finally continues. “I’m the one who did the bribing.”

My heart skips a clichéd-fucking-beat. “Bribed him with what? And why?”

Maddie steals another tiny glance at me, her cheeks tinged with pink. “I owe him a loaf of banana bread.”

“Oh, I’m sure he’s really broken up about it. He gets to sleep in and gets a whole fucking loaf of your heavenly bread. Poor Sawyer. Pass on my condolences when you get back home.”

She plays along. “Yeah, I really had to twist his arm. Breaks my heart to see him suffer this way.”

When our combined laughter fades, I prod her to explain. “Why, Maddie?”

My gaze catches on the bob of her throat as she forces down a swallow. “Um, I guess I wanted a chance to say goodbye.”

I don’t even need to look into her eyes to know she’s full of shit.

“You said goodbye to me last night.”

She lowers her chin in an overpronounced nod. “Yes, but I didn’t like how we left things.”

“Neither did I,” I confess, the truth freeing up some of the space under my ribs.

It wasn’t anything dramatic. We were cordial. By the fire, after she shot me down for the hundredth time, the conversation grew stilted. I made my excuses to leave not too long thereafter. We said goodbye at the front door. No hug or kiss on the cheek. No talk of future plans. No mentions of emails or phone calls.

Nothing.

Which is what we are, I suppose.

Yet she came to see me this morning. And I hate how much that means to me.

She releases a tight sigh. “I don’t know about you, but I certainly don’t need any more lingering regrets in my life.”

Hope threatens to escape the mental box I’ve locked it in, but I keep a firm grip on the metaphorical key. It’s too risky to think that maybe someday is here. She was clear last night.

Crystal fucking clear.

No chance she changed her mind this quickly.

Although I’m itching to speak, I don’t. I’m letting her lead this conversation. I’ve put myself out there enough. It’s her turn.

“Which airline?” she asks, pointing one finger at the sign with the airline logos on it.

“Maddie, there’s only one entrance to this tiny airport. I appreciate the attempt at delaying whatever you want to say.”

Exhaling forcefully, she flaps her lips with a flutter of air. “Fine. You caught me. Let me park first, okay?”

“Whatever you want. I’m just along for the ride.”

She pulls up to the passenger drop-off zone and throws it in park. I don’t move other than glancing over my shoulder to see if anyone is behind us. This place is practically a ghost town. Such a tiny airport. I have to take a puddle jumper to get to a bigger airport to get back to Tampa.

Worth the traveling hassle to see her, though. Even if it didn’t go how I wanted it to. From her body language, I don’t think it’ll end much better today than it did last night.

Her hands are cast into fists, and she’s closed her eyes tightly. There’s a click in her jaw too.

It’s eating me up to see her so conflicted.

After I take off my seat belt, I rub her shoulder. “Fuck, Maddie. Just say whatever you’re gonna say. I can take it.”

She starts and stops herself three times.

“I just...”

Pause.

“I mean...”

Another pause, longer and tenser this time.

“I don’t want you to...”

The seconds tick by, each one cutting deeper into my chest.

Attempting to salvage what’s left of my pride, I take the reins. “Maddie, it’s okay. You don’t have to say the words. I get it. I’ll stop asking for someday. It’s fine. Don’t beat yourself up over it. No hard feelings. We can still be friends. Or not. Whatever you want.”

She averts her eyes toward the windshield, dragging both palms over her face. “That’s not it.” A big shake of her head, then she repeats it louder and more emphatically. “That’s not it. That’s not what I want.”

Stay in the fucking box, hope.

“What do you want then?” I whisper, a slight tremble in my voice. “Hell, do you even know what you want?”

When her hands fall to her lap, her eyes burn into mine. “I know exactly what I want, but I also know I can’t have it. I’m not strong enough yet. Do you understand what I mean?”

I nod because even though she isn’t saying the words outright, I get her meaning.

No matter how much she wants me, she thinks she can’t have me. As if she needs to be a different version of herself to be worthy of my love.

What better foundation to build yourself upon than love?

Sadly, there’s not much I can do to overcome that type of barrier. It’s inside her mind. The same prison she’s been kept in for most of her adult life. The door to her cell is still closed, and she has no idea that it isn’t locked. I’m languishing on the outside, waiting for her to simply push it open. Just a tiny push is all it’d take. And she’d be free.

But she can’t. Or won’t.

My brother’s face flashes through my mind unprompted. The way he was trapped on the other side of the glass, calling for me to help him.

And I didn’t.

This time, I’m the one begging for Maddie to free herself. To join me. But she won’t.

And it’s exactly what I deserve.

When she doesn’t add anything else, I rub my hands over my jean-covered thighs and look toward the terminal entrance. “Well, I better get inside so I don’t miss my flight. Thanks for the ride.”

I reach for the door handle, but she stops me with a hand on my other forearm. “Wait, Alan.”

Heart in my throat, I whip my face toward her, my brows raised in silent question.

My lips stay fastened. I refuse to lead her where she doesn’t want to go. Because then she’ll resent me.

If she’s gonna choose me, she has to do it on her own.

Tearing her focus away from me, she reaches into the backseat. “Here. I brought you a goodbye gift.”

“I don’t need anything, Maddie.”

“Too bad.” She tosses something soft onto my lap. “I guilt-baked last night after the party.”

A grin starts on one side of my mouth, then quickly morphs into a sprawling smile when I see and smell what she’s given me. “Are you bribing me, Maddie?” I hold a plastic-wrapped banana bread loaf beside my face, wiggling it from side to side. “First Sawyer and now me.”

“I guess I wanted to see you smile.” She raises one shoulder in a tiny shrug. “And it worked.”

I beam a little brighter at her, giving her exactly what she wants. “It did.”

Her cheeks flush into an enchanting rosy hue. Ten fucking years of waiting for the gift of seeing it in person. And I saw it three beautiful times since yesterday. Maybe four.

Better than I could have ever imagined.

I only allow myself a few seconds to bask in her radiance. Any longer, and I’ll do something stupid. Something she clearly doesn’t want from me.

Not now, anyhow. Not until she’s strong enough. Whatever that means.

Silently, I exit the vehicle and retrieve my bag from the back seat. Before I close my door, I lean my face back in to see her smile one more time.

The last one was for her. This smile is for me.

“Thanks again, Maddie.”

“Goodbye, Alan.”

Without another word, I heft my bag over my shoulder and march onward. Part of me stays behind with her, though. And the twenty minutes alone with her this morning destroyed any chance I had of moving on.

I can’t quit her.

The icy Maine breeze whips past me, giving me a chill on the outside to rival the one spreading through my chest.

I’m two steps shy of the sliding glass door when Maddie calls out for me. “Alan, hang on.”

My feet lurch me to an abrupt stop, and I take a moment to fortify my resolve before turning around. I’m trying my fucking best to leave on terms that’ll allow me to look at myself in the mirror tomorrow.

But she’s fucking killing me.

When I face her, she’s running. Fucking running.

To me.

She freezes a foot in front of me, giving me a chance to look fully into her eyes. A hint of panic bleeding into desperation shines behind her irises. A little deeper beneath that is the grizzly.

“Ma’am, you can’t park there,” a male voice hollers from somewhere to my right.

I flip him off without breaking eye contact with Maddie.

Her mouth quirks into a tentative smile. “Just one more thing before you go.”

“Anything.”

She inhales briskly, closes the distance between us in a rush, and yanks my face down to hers.

My bag drops to the ground with a thud, and I fold her body against mine.

I might have also dropped the banana bread.

Tragic but still worth it.

Despite the momentary shock, I waste no time taking control of the kiss. This fucking kiss I’ve waited a damn decade for.

She’s perfection in my arms, fitting against me flawlessly. Soft to my hard. Exactly as I knew she’d be.

Our lips move hungrily against each other as her decadent scent assaults my senses. I inhale deeply because I want her in my lungs. And in my soul. Like she’s already in my heart and every waking thought.

Warmth fills me, driving away the frigid air surrounding us. As her velvet tongue delves past my lips, I drink her down, swallowing every sound she makes so I can take them with me when I fly out of here.

Because I know she’s saying goodbye with this kiss.

This is a gift. But I’m unsure whether it’s for her or me.

As heartbreaking as that may be, I don’t let it stop me from reveling in it. The feel of her body against mine is everything I’ve wanted. Dreams of this moment kept me sane when my hands were coated in the blood of our enemies. Or the blood of our own men.

I realized long ago that Maddie made me want things I’ve never wanted. She made me long for a future I can be proud of. A life of love and family.

I might never get it from her.

But I’ll always have this kiss.

As she pulls away, our heavy breaths mingle in the scant space between our lips.

“I needed to do that,” she simpers, still battling to fill her lungs.

“And I need to do this.”

I recapture her lips, squeezing her nape to thrust her back toward me.

Surprised, she gasps against my mouth. But her grip on my shoulders tightens, holding me to her. She wasn’t ready for it to end either.

When her lips part this time, I dive in, greedily taking what I want.

Well, as much as I can take in front of the damn airport with an impatient asshole clearing his throat a few feet away from us.

Regrettably, I end the kiss and release her. Before I pull away, I brush her hair to one side. My sight briefly catches on the scar on her face. On instinct, I drag my fingertips over it.

“I have no right to ask this,” she starts, her voice shaky.

“Ask it anyway.”

“Can you wait for me?”

Hope explodes from my mental box, shattering the lock into a million pieces.

I cup her cheek, my thumb tracing her scar. “Maddie, I’ve been waiting for you since the night we met.”

Her eyes glisten with pooling tears. “You have? It’s been, like, ten years.”

“And I’d wait another ten for one more kiss like that.”

She slowly eases out of my hold, her hand skimming from my neck down my arm until she reaches my hand. To prevent her from slipping away, I entwine our fingers.

I’m not ready to let her go.

“I won’t make you wait that long.”

Bringing our joined hands to my mouth, I kiss the back of her hand. “Then I’ll see you someday soon.”

She nods, backing toward the car. “Someday soon.”